The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills REUNION Part 1 (from 1/27)

WHAT is Kyle wearing? I have it paused at the moment and it looks like the same shape when Buffalo Bill cut sections out of the women’s backs but instead it is on Kyle’s shoulders and instead of blood diamonds are showing. Yes, I see later that closer up they are in the shape of some sort of feather. But still. It puts the lotion on its skin.

(from wetpaint.com)

The first letter Andy reads is from someone who tells the ladies that their plastic surgery doesn’t make them look younger, it makes them look deformed. Lovely choice for the first letter. Don’t they all look like that out there in Beverly Hills? We don’t get a lot of people getting plastic surgery in MA.
I was going to say that Taylor’s the only deformed-ish one with the giant duck lips but then suddenly Adrienne was on screen and she looks remarkably like Latoya Jackson.

I LOVE Lisa Vanderpump. I love her, love her, love her.

Andy brings up Camille’s comments about how tiny 3500 square feet was in the New York apartment – we all remember her saying “How can we live here? It’s so small.” But now she says that it was “Kelsey’s issue”. Sure. Then why the fuck did you say it 36 times during that episode? I think she watched the season and planned out all of her excuses ahead of time.

Camille says we haven’t seen the “real” her on the show and that she was villainized.  Andy reads off a list of adjectives that viewers have used to describe her and I agree with every single one of them.

(from wetpaint.com)

Conniving, passive aggressive, narcissist, insecure, catty, jealous, cruel, hypocritical, self absorbed, manipulative, fake, insincere, delusional.

Then Taylor jumps in and says that people sit behind their computers (that’s me!) and say all these things without knowing her – that pisses me off to no end. WE SAW HER SAY THESE THINGS AND ACT THIS WAY. They were not taken out of context and if they were I don’t believe there is a context in which her actions were not self absorbed!

Taylor also says that we (those of us behind our computers) say these things about people who seem to have perfect lives. I just about choked on my Cristal right there.

(from hellobeautiful.com)

(Who am I kidding, I’m drinking tap water). However, I would never trade my life for Camille Grammer’s or any of the women on this show. Taylor is acting like people who say hateful things are automatically jealous.

Do I hear anyone wanting to have Camille Grammer’s life? She seems like a very sad person and she has IBS. Nope. All set. And Kelsey Grammer? Ew. Worst character on Cheers.

Now it is clear why Kelsey wanted Camille to do this show…kept her occupied while he was boinking the girl in New York. Smooth move Frasier.

Did they show the clips of the marriage ending so early in the show so we would feel bad for her and forget how much we hated her? We shall see.

Onto Taylor and Kim. Taylor looks like she has too many teeth. And then “pulling Oklahoma on your ass” sounds to me like she’s pulling her out to the alley to make her have sex with an animal or a family member, no?

(from thegloss.com)

Kim is being an idiot saying she can’t believe Taylor would say that knowing how strongly she feels about domestic violence. Someone stuff something down Kim’s throat now so she can’t speak anymore. Where is that neckbrace…uhh…choker she was wearing in the finale. Tighten that up.

Taylor has a lip IMPLANT, not just collagen. That must feel weird.

I LOVE Lisa Vanderpump. I love her, love her, love her.

What’s with all this fluffy talk? Oh wait, after the next commercial it is Camille vs Kyle! Woot!

Adrienne and Paul are the best couple because they bicker like normal people. Well, maybe they bicker like me and my husband. Is that normal?

Camille claimed she was 30% busier than the rest of the housewives. Huh? Busier doing what? Pooping, I think.

Here we go with the “Why would anybody be interested in you without Kelsey there?” fight.  Camille is a loon. A loooooooooon.

“This whole season was set up to make me look bad.” Camille. ha ha ha ha ha

You can tell she’s insecure and lying because her neck and chest are bright red with hives. She’s claiming Kyle invited her to the show so she had a target…which makes no sense because Camille was the one who started all of the arguments.

Thank goodness there is a part 2 because not a lot has happened in this reunion.

I’m disappointed in the episode and in my recap tonight. Poops. Sorry.

Teen Mom 2 ( from 1/25)

Previously on Teen Mom 2, Chelsea wants to take back the guy who called her a fat stretch marked bitch and asked what papers he needed to sign away his rights to their daughter. What a guy, why WOULDN’T she want him back? Maybe he pays for her tanning sessions and she is feeling less orange lately…I don’t know.

Jenelle screamed and swore at her mother in front of her son, told her lawyer that she smokes weed but she would quit if she got custody and generally made an ass of herself.

Kailyn went on a date with Mr. Goofy No Personality Guy and then decided to announce it to her baby daddy’s family by changing her Facebook status to “in a relationship”. What a mature mother Isaac has! Understandably, baby daddy (Jo) and his family are none to happy about it since she’s living at THEIR house. There is no reason she should be dating anyone so soon. Seriously, get a fucking vibrator Kailyn. It has more personality than Goofy tall man you went to the park with.

Leah and too-tightly-rolled-brim-hat Corey had to deal with some serious issues with one of their daughters. She isn’t putting any weight on her legs and doesn’t grasp things like her twin sister. How this wasn’t picked up at the girls’ monthly wellness appointments is beyond me. At my son’s 4 month appointment the pediatrician was checking how much weight he could bear on his legs. Either way – at least they are doing something about it now and I truly do feel awful for Leah and Corey and the girls.  Very difficult things to deal with for anyone, never mind teenagers. But I am still going to make fun of the brim of Corey’s hat…


Now…this week’s episode:

We start off with Chelsea talking about how great it is living in her “own” house with her daughter and her friend all while her dad pays the rent so she can go to school and her roommate can look for a job. So daddy is also buying their food and must be paying their cell phone bills too because neither of them are working. 

Also, Chelsea is hiding the fact that she’s starting to see Adam again from her dad. He’ll NEVER find out.

Why do all the teen mom’s feed their babies’ the bottles while they are laying down? Am I the only one who thought this can cause ear infections? Or is that a “sanctimommy” thing to say?

I would say that Chelsea’s roommate Megan is smart for telling her she shouldn’t take Adam back because he’s an asshole…but I think I’ve heard that Megan is pregnant now too.




Chelsea is leaving Aubrey with Adam for the first time alone. His main concern isn’t “What time should she eat, where are the bottles, when is her nap?” It is “Where is the Xbox channel?” and plugging in the internet.

Oh and now he’s on the phone while his daughter is crawling away, probably towards some wires, an open flame or knives.







Chelsea says that “with everything that has been going on, I’ve been falling behind in my schoolwork.” 

Funny, she doesn’t have a job and we always see her laying around either in bed or on the couch. I guess that’s a lot to deal with, along with deciding on chicken or beef flavored Ramen noodles.

Oh, there’s pork flavor too…so much to do!


Upon returning home, Adam is feeding the baby while shirtless on the front porch with friends and Chelsea is so happy she wants to cry. 



He then sets off a firework about 6 feet from them.

















Leah and Corey’s twins are adorable. They have to wait a few months for Ali to get the MRI because she’s too young. I would need piles and piles of anxiety meds to get through those couple of months.

I really didn’t like Leah during 16 & Pregnant but on Teen Mom she seems to think a lot more about her daughters than herself. She is wrongly blaming herself for Ali’s issues, thinking that maybe she wasn’t big enough to carry the twins and she was squished in there. :-(  I can’t imagine her pain right now. Wondering if her daughter will be able to walk one day?

Leah and Too Tightly curled Brim Hat Corey go bowling and they made me smile…until Leah said “I believe in you” (referring to bowling) “just like I believe in us.” Did she write that beforehand or was someone holding up a cue card? Because no one says that.

But I’m glad they are getting back together because of all the teen dads…Corey is the one who seems to make the most sense – except for his hats…and the fact that he needs subtitles sometimes.

Kayla, Leah’s friend decides to burst Leah’s happy bubble by calling Corey a doucehbag. However, I am pretty sure Leah was the douchebag, no? She went out on a date with her ex while Corey was crying and saying how much he loved her and the girls?  Did she not watch Leah’s episode of 16 & Pregnant?

Leah puts baby powder on the baby’s armpit.  That is all.


Jenelle’s mom let her move back in because Jenelle realized she “has no food, no job, our pets heads are falling off!!” Sorry, Dumb & Dumber jumped in there.

Back to Jenelle…she has no job, no money and no place to live. She also certainly couldn’t afford a lawyer to fight for custody (which she’s surely lose anyway).  Of course, her mom is still fighting her for custody – THANK GOODNESS.

Jenelle is looking for a job because apparently lip synching Ke$ha songs on youtube doesn’t pay the bills.  Anyone who interviews her has to make a big decision…hire someone who has cameras on them all the time gives them some publicity.

However, that someone is Jenelle. Tough call.


It irritates me (and I’m sure every single other mother who is reading this) to no end that Jenelle says she has to “babysit” Jace. Babysitting is something you do to someone ELSE’S child. Being a mother is what you do to your own.

Now, did she just say a name of the college was Cape Fear? Is that where you learn how to hide under someone’s car while they drive to their boat so you can kill them?


Somehow Jenelle thinks that Jace understands English at this age. She obviously never read “What To Expect The First Year.”

She has decided to sign over temporary custody to Barbara. She doesn’t want to be like her own father who just walked out on her.


Barbara is wearing a spiffy bright green shirt with flowers on the shoulder and some blue and green capris for the special occasion of signing over custody. Does anyone else see a smirk on her face the whole time? Kind of like “I knew I would win!”

Jenelle signed custody over to her mother, but instead of feeding him and taking responsibility, she’s hanging out in the backyard with her friend while Barbara takes care of him.

Jenelle “landed” a waitressing job. Imagine having Jenelle as your waitress?  She then heads to the store to buy herself a $3 skirt, a dress and apparently some shit for Jace.

Barbara doesn’t want Jenelle to take Jace to the fireworks because she isn’t allowed to take Jace alone. Jenelle takes this as her mother trying to keep her from Jace. Hmm the mom isn’t keeping Jenelle from the house or Jace so…STAY THE FUCK HOME IDIOT.  BE with your son instead of your friends! How hard is this to understand?


Kailyn is worried she’ll get kicked out of Jo’s family’s house since she’s dating Goofy. But I’m unsure what Jo is whining about because he acts as though he’s paying for things and supporting her and the baby but I don’t remember him working. His parents clearly support them and they have a nice big house. Jo isn’t paying the mortgage on that.

Oh, Goofy’s name is Jordan. Sorry.

I’m unsure how Kailyn is going to pay for school, pay for daycare and even get herself to school and her son to daycare when she doesn’t have a car. I mean, I applaud her “efforts” but how is this going to work without help from Jo’s family? She needs to get rid of Jordan ASAP unless he’s willing to take her in but I have this feeling he lives with his parents.





UGH – Kim, Kailyn’s friend says to Isaac “Daddy’s being mean to mommy. So is grandma and grandpa.” Can we all say it in unison “Shut the fuck up!” No one should bad mouth the baby’s father around the baby, especially some random friend. Yes, I know, Isaac doesn’t understand English yet. I did read What to Expect the First Year.

Kailyn’s mom gave her a car because she felt bad for not going to her college orientation with her. Damn! How about buying her a house because you tried to let Isaac chomp on a jelly packet that had been sitting on a diner table for who knows how long? I think that was worse.


Kailyn still doesn’t understand that it is NOT the time to be dating. She has a baby and is working and going to school. WHY throw a dick in the mix?  And a goofy one at that?

It is the Fourth of July and Kailyn can’t go to a party because she can’t find a babysitter.  However, her and Jo’s cousin leave the house to go find fireworks without the baby.



Fireworks wrap up this week’s episode of Teen Mom 2. Real fireworks, no fights. Tune in next week when Adam wants to move in with Chelsea in her rent-free house. Who saw that one coming??

The Bad Girls Club aka Drunk Angry Skanks (from 1/24)

We’re only on episode 3 of this season so I’m still learning the girls’ names. I’m sure one of them is named Amber, right? There’s always an Amber.

Previously on The BGC, Jem of Jem and the Holograms aka Sydney cheated on her boyfriend with some random guy with those big ugly holes in his ears. The strange thing is, she didn’t have sex with him – she gave him a hummer and she was all excited about “getting some”. Ummm, Jem I think the only thing you got was oral herpes.


Her boyfriend comes to visit and Nikki told him that Jem cheated on him. Nikki also accidentally sliced up Blondie’s (Kori) hand with a purse. Evidently a purse made of razor blades.

Everyone hates Nikki and wants her to go home. They have a house meeting about it but Nikki claims “I run this house” and she is not leaving. The other girls scribble on her picture like a TRUE bad girl in hopes she’ll leave. Surprisingly, the markers don’t change Nikki’s mind.

Lauren, who doesn’t look like a bad girl at all, puts bright red lipstick around her mouth as if she just has one long lip instead of an upper and a lower lip. Why? She looks like Bozo the Clown. She just needs Jem’s hair color and some big shoes.


Since one girl went home in the very first episode, a new one is coming in to replace her. The new girl’s name is Ashley. She keeps using “is” instead of “are” so I hate her already. She also looks like she’s about to turn 14 but with a body of a short stripper.

Ashley shows up at the house while all of the girls except Nikki are gone. So of course, those two go out to eat at the Pink Taco. I thought that was a strip club because isn’t a pink taco another word for a vagina? However, they are actually eating tacos and there are no visible vaginas.


Later that night, Ashley is going out with the rest of the girls. She tells the girls that back home she doesn’t really have friends that are females. She’s one of THOSE types…”people don’t like me because they are jealous.”  The girls’ plan is to get Ashley really drunk but then when she falls down they make fun of her and say she can’t hold her liquor.

The camera guys aren’t playing around in this episode, for half of the conversation in the limo the girls’ heads were cut off and we just saw boobs and legs.







Commercials…I of course fast forward through them but I stopped forwarding on the one right before the show came back on and it happens to be for Vagisil. Marketing at its best!







Char announces another house meeting. Since Nikki won’t get out of bed they will bring the meeting to her. This involves carrying Ashley’s drunk ass as if she were a dead body. Jessica didn’t want to leave her passed out because “she’s part of this house, she gotta roll”. At least I think that’s what she says. However, they don’t roll her, they carry her and flop her on a bed so she can be at the important meeting.

The meeting is only to tell Nikki that she should leave. Char doesn’t look 14 but she acts like she is. She’s throwing all of Nikki’s clothes, shoes, wallet, etc. out over the balcony into the pool. She hit Nikki in the head with a pillow and started a staring contest. Their faces are about 2 inches away from each other.

I don’t know who won the staring contest but Char needs to shave her armpits so she loses automatically. She also loses because in some of her “confessional interviews” she’s wearing a turtleneck with a big necklace stuck to it.

The next morning all of the girls are sleeping on the floor instead of in beds. Are they just used to passing out on the floor so they don’t even attempt to get in bed?

Nikki files a police report about the damage that Char has done to her property. She makes sure that her “crocheted Uggs” are on the list. Check.

The cops are there taking Nikki’s statement and Lauren Lips is just sitting there with a bottle in her mouth as if her tongue was stuck inside it. Not tipping it back, not drinking it…just putting her lips around it. Advertising, I guess. I’m sure there was a dark red ring of lipstick around that bottle too.

The next day Jem gets some information online that her “uncle has been bombed in Afghanistan” and she must go home. Of course Char thinks that there are other reasons she’s leaving because she’s just a bitch. Yup, that’s right I said it. But who am I to say…maybe the Holograms need Jem back home to shoot a truly outrageous video?

That night, all the girls quickly get ready – which means snapping hair in for Kori and side braids, a romper and red lips for Lauren.

Ashley announces to the girls that she’s better than all of the girls but they all hear “prettier” so they are angry. All fired up already, they are heading out to the limo and some blonde bystander says “Bad Girls my ass!” This starts a whole lot of finger pointing in the face and smacking themselves in the chest. What a letdown.

Nikki’s clothes are still all over the yard and in the pool. It looks like the biggest white trash house west of Jersey Shore. Char basically apologizes to Nikki and now she’s diving down in the pool and getting Nikki’s clothes out. No surprise, Kori, Jess and Lauren Lips follow suit and turn against Ashley instead. I just think that now they realize that Nikki is ugly so she’s better to go to the club with than Ashley.

Ashley stays home tonight because her one friend is coming to visit. The friend walks in and her name on the screen is “Ta’lor”. I wonder if she did that just for the show. Ta-apostrophe-lor brought some friends and they write some bad words on the other girls’ pictures. Damn these people are HARDCORE.

The girls come home to Ashley’s guests and they are not happy. One of Ashley’s friends says to Nikki that she’s gonna “sleep a bitch”. Huh? I think she might be friends with Brandi from the Miami season who says “Brandi been sleep!”

They are really clueless as to what the word sleep means. Either that or I’m not up on the fighting lingo.
Lauren Lips is angry at Ashley for bringing these guests in and confronts her. They push each other because that is allowed in the BGC. Lauren Lips is up against the counter and now Ashley is dirty dancing with her just to fuck with her. Manly Nikki comes in to separate them and Ashley kind of pushes her in the face and then grabs hold of her dress.

One of the male friends is in the middle of it and I can see him panicking, it is hilarious.

Suddenly Ashley has Lauren Lips by the neck and the hair and there are lots of people (including the crew) breaking it up. The episode ends with a big pile up in the corner.

Looks like Ashley’s going to end up having to go home already but we won’t know until next week!

Until then, I be sleep! Me is sleep. I’m’a sleep a bitch.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta from 1/23

I love that the ‘previously on’ clips had a quick one of Kim screeching “whooaa whooaa whooaa” at her performance at the strip mall in Florida.

We start off with the continuation of Nene and Kim’s fight. Nene threatens to toss Kim out the winda’. They are arguing about the fact that Kim wants her assistant “Sweetie” and Kandi’s tour manager “Don Juan” to stay with them for the weekend. Nene thought it was just a girls weekend for Cynthia. Insert many, many voices talking over each other here.

I want to say I feel bad for Kandi but what the fuck was she thinking going on a bus tour with Smokey Smokerson?

The girls are all meeting up in Miami for a little “bachelorette weekend” for Cynthia before she marries her old man.  If that is even going to happen. They seem to be fighting a lot lately. He might ground her so the wedding might be off.

They are staying at some friend of Kim’s estate and I was surprised to see a dinosaur out front. Maybe it’s like a Jurassic Park themed weekend?! I can’t wait.

Arriving at Dino Land, Nene gets off the bus walking like a giraffe or an elephant…must’ve been a long ride. She and Kim continue their argument as Kim and Sweetie smoke away.

Is it just me or are you all clearing your throats constantly while watching Kim and Sweetie smoke like chimneys? I feel like I smoked a pack just watching them.

Kandi’s hair has got to go. It’s like one of those bristle brooms that just got bent from overuse.

Back to the “estate”. It is really strange. Was that a random old man sitting on a bench or was that a statue? There are stuffed dogs and pigs sitting on toilets? I guess it isn’t Jurassic Park.
Oh and there’s a giraffe!!! LOL.

P Diddy, Gloria Estefan and Rosie O’Donnell are neighbors of the taxidermy man. Barbeque time!!
After the commercial Kim and Sweetie are smoking again. My throat hurts, they need to quit. Even worse I think they are Newports. Now my chest hurts.

Is Cynthia modeling astronaut-wear? No…those are just her sunglasses.

After an awkward dinner in Maniac Mansion we have made it to the day of performances.

Nene keeps saying “I thought it was a girls weekend but everyone’s here so I called Diana”…is Diana a man? Her reasoning behind inviting Diana is that other people invited men so she can.

The taxidermy guy is licking his lips at Kim in her little yellow romper as she’s smoking butts. Sexy.
Cough…cough…phlegm.

Off to the last show on the bus tour…where is this one, at a 7/11? Kandi brushed out her broom bristles for this one so it must be somewhere fancier. Oh yes, it is on a boat dock.

Smokin’ more butts…cough cough.

Kim “performs” ‘Tardy for the Party’ in her yellow romper and Phaedra thinks she did well because she shook her “little” boobs. Not sure where she was looking. 

Is the DJ continually playing the sound of breaking glass on purpose? I thought so during Kim’s performance but he kept doing it during Kandi’s. It makes sense to ME with the breaking glass because Kandi’s voice is very screechy…but you’d think she would have been insulted.

Back to the house of horrors, statues and dead animals.

Diana has arrived and I think she is a woman…but I’m not 100% sure yet. I don’t remember her at all but Kim has called her The Hulk. 

I don’t like Diana already. He is claiming that he doesn’t like drama but he’s laughing and pointing and talking down to Kim. He doesn’t fit in with the ladies.

more butts…cough cough

Who works out on a vacation weekend? Not Kim…she’s busy smoking butts and having her period.

Now we’re off to Cynthia’s bathing suit runway show. I hope she’s not having her period.

I was as surprised as Nene at how much of a butt Cynthia had!! She looks better than I expected!

But here are Sheree and Phaedra saying she’s fat. Sheree said that Cynthia could never model her line because her samples are size 4 and 6 and that butt is clearly a 12.

Phaedra said she looked like a pretzel dunked in cottage cheese. I’m not sure on that analogy…it makes a big difference if she means small pretzel sticks or big rods or a big soft pretzel? Insults shouldn’t be so difficult to understand. 

If they think she’s a size 12 and cottage cheesy, they really need to look at my body even 8 months after having a baby. Its like cottage cheese dunked in cottage cheese with purple lines.

Smokin’ butts!

Back to the museum of wax and taxidermy for another meal.

Cynthia is now remembering all the stress she has about the expensive wedding and I’m continually getting annoyed. When you don’t have money, you don’t spend it on a giant party to show everyone that you’re marrying your father.

There are people living on the streets and starving…here is Cynthia crying because she probably won’t be going on a honeymoon with Daddy Peter and she needs to pay for 200 guests to attend her wedding. Boo fucking hoo.

I’m glad Kandi got rid of the broom bristles but now she has a two toned mullet. Kim needs to pass some wigs on.

Phaedra “We’ve got strippers on deck”! Best line of the night!

Man, after this depressing day I can’t imagine the party being any kind of fun. Oh wait, Lawrence is going to do imitations and he is perfect at ALL of them!!!!

Uh oh, sex talk time. Blow jobs. Bad breath. Stripper time!

Phaedra is an entertainment lawyer…so she represents “entertainers of the night” aka gross male strippers. Do strippers often need representation? 

Ew and they are sweaty too. Can I sue Phaedra for bringing sweaty strippers?

Season finale next week…Cynthia’s wedding drama. Daddy’s drunk and Kandi’s bristles are back.

Whoomp there it is!!!

Jersey Shore from 1/20/11

The Martin Luther King Jr. Day special episode of Jersey Shore ended with Snooki’s arrest for being completely wasted on the beach. JWoww is on the phone calling Snooki’s dad and she’s asking Deena what it was she was arrested for:

Jenni “What is it called, drunken indecency?”

Deena “Intoxication in the public?”

Jenni “Drunken public intoxication?”

Then apparently Snooki’s father picks and she says “Hi is this Snook’s dad?” When he says yes she’s suddenly formal with him “Hi Mr. Palozzi.” She tells Mr. Snooki Palozzi about the arrest for public intoxication. I wish she would’ve said “the public” like Deena suggested.

Totally off topic but JWoww has a nice body but she walks with a waddle like I did when I was 9 months pregnant. I wonder if those jean shorts are giving her chub rub?


The boys return home with lots of laundry. Do Ed Hardy shirts really need to be dry cleaned, pressed and hung under plastic as if they are wedding attire? And it was clearly laundry day because Pauly is wearing a laundry day outfit - fluorescent green shorts and a black tank top with a giant matching fluorescent green star on it. I’ve never seen anything like it, even in 1986. I hope he doesn’t wear that again.

So some woman calls the house from the police station and says that they can come pick “her up”. Obviously the phone call was re-enacted and the caller didn’t feel like playing along.

Now, I’ve never been arrested but I think if I spent any kind of time in a jail setting, the first thing I would do upon returning home is shower. Not sit on my bed eating eggs while the sand is creating some sort of coral reef in my cleavage.

Snooki calls her father and says that jail was a phenomenon. Oh wait, scratch that…a train wreck. Technically a phenomenon is defined as “an observable occurrence” and her arrest was clearly observed by everyone on the beach that had gathered around and now the nation of MTV viewers. However, I found this definition that seemed more fitting:


phenomenon phe·nom·e·non (fĭ-nŏm'ə-nŏn', -nən)
n. pl. phe·nom·e·na (-nə)

1. An occurrence, a circumstance, or a fact that is perceptible by the senses, especially one in relation to a disease.

Not really sure where I’m going with that but disease & Jersey Shore seem to just go hand in hand, no?

Another observation: Deena walks like JWoww too. Maybe its a “shore” thing or they just need to get shorts that do not require walking with legs apart so the denim doesn’t irritate the vag.

These clubs they go into are like my worst nightmares. Awful music, STDs flying about and tons of people. Mike, Vinnie and Pauly have gone out with Deena. So they are now MVPD.

MVPD = Most Venomous Penis Disease
MVPD = Many Vigorous People Dancing
MVPD = Musky Vapors Preserve Dead

Ok I give up. I thought I would be able to come up with something with “venereal”. I’m still new at this blogging thing. Give me time.

Oh my god Ronnie’s doppelganger Dean aka scrubby Ronnie. Now, that’s not really fair because the real Ronnie is scrubby too. But he’s famous. So Dean is just Scrubbier Ronnie. His hair in the back looks like a clipped dog’s tail.  And I think Deena just got pregnant from the way they were dancing.
Scrubbier Ronnie also has a girlfriend named Sam. But he’s telling Deena that he’s as single as they come which is really making him more like the real Ronnie. I’m just waiting for him to look at the camera and say he uses Xenadrine.

Vinnie and Pauly are talking about Scrubbier Ronnie hooking up with Deena in the hot tub and that they should write a “politically correct” letter to Sam to let her know, so bring the thesaurus!

“Dear Sam, Ronnie hooked up with Deena in the hot tub, in lieu of, resulting in, ending up in the bed with you for the most part to the third party. You know what I mean.”

The hypothetical letter was funny but I’m really wondering if Pauly & Vinnie know that “politically correct” is different than “grammatically correct”. 

How is fist pumping a dance? What happened to actual dancing like the Running Man or the Roger Rabbit? They actually required some effort and learning.

Speaking of Roger, the girl last week thought that Roger (JWoww’s friend, not Rabbit) had a girlfriend came back saying she was mistaken and it was someone who looks just like him.

I wonder how many girls get phone calls telling them their man is cheating on them at da club at da shore but it ends up just being someone who had the same orangey-brown glow, sticky hair, wet armpits and steroidy muscles?

Snooki says doesn’t want to drink anymore. What? Cancel the show. Oh wait, she can have Pinot because pregnant people do. Wine doesn’t count I guess.

Snooki just said she was going to “double panty it” on her date with the tan Irish guy, Nick who she thinks is SO hot. I think I know what that means but I’m so grossed out by it that I can’t even type it. Also, in reference to a different hole, Snooki says she shits her pants when she’s excited. “I just had a baby in the toilet”. Fist pump that!!!

I wonder if they - “they” being New Jersey - hire someone who’s main job is to clean up puke on the Jersey Shore. All that drinking, tanning, fried food, fist pumping and rollercoasters? There’s got to be a whole lot of vomit there.

Back from her date with Roger, JWoww talks to her boyfriend Tom on the phone.  For someone who likes beefy guys, Tom sure sounds a little like he is a makeup artist in Beverly Hills.  In fact, I think he sounds like the guy last night who did Kim’s makeup with the strange toupee looking hair on The Real Housewives.

Somehow JWoww’s tears go down her face and meet up in the center of her chin and make a line straight down her neck and chest in between her boobs. I thought she was wearing one of those lariat necklaces for a second.

Note to criminals in Jersey: if you want to break into someone’s home, check under the mailbox and in the grill for the keys.

In JWoww’s case back at home, no one needed to break-in…her live-in boyfriend stole her graduation watch, hard drive and her bed. That must’ve been an awkward getaway. 

It also looks like he paid himself money from JWoww’s Paypal. Good thinking, Tom…there will never be a trail, no one will ever figure out who stole JWoww’s money. Especially if your username is JWowwfromtheJerseyShoresboyfriendTom because you know that's it.

No physical fights in this episode so that really grinds my gears. Two recaps in a row without any punching or bleeding. We do have next week’s episode to look forward to when Sammi punches Ronnie in the head but I’m looking forward to the Bad Girls Club on Monday. There will surely be some hair pulling, kicking, punching, bleeding, etc. The BGC doesn’t let me down.

As a side note – I usually forward through the commercials during Jersey Shore but since I was typing this I let it go.  Someone at MTV took marketing 101.  These are the commercials I remember

• Trailer for a horrible Ashton Kutcher movie about friends with benefits
• A TV show called Skins which is a remake of a British show of the same name.  If you are older than 20 and watch it you just might be a pedophile.
• The morning after pill
• Basically every commercial revolves around sex.

Side note 2 - When is Jennifer Aniston going to stop making stupid shitty movies and realize that the only thing she was good at was playing Rachael Greene? Brad Pitt’s women sure pick awful movies to star in because all of Angelina’s are crap except Girl Interrupted. Maybe Brad’s next partner will be Hugh Grant because he makes shitty movies too.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Season Finale

We’ve come to the end of the Beverly Hills series. I have to admit that I was expecting more from the finale. I’m also pissed that my very first reality show recap was of an episode that normally wouldn’t even make it to the water cooler. Well, since I’m unemployed I never make it to the water cooler. I think it wouldn’t have even made it to my Facebook status. Lame.

We start off with a scene from last week in which Camille is in New York for the Tony Awards. Everyone is toasting and Camille is acting so awkward with Kelsey, I felt my face getting red for her. She keeps making it worse and then it was just SAD when she in her big red dress and Kelsey exit the limo in separate doors and the camera stayed on the empty seats as if to portray some kind of metaphor about their deteriorated marriage.



I’ve hated Camille since the first episode – four nannies, bragging endlessly, claiming she needed a surrogate because she has the shits? Ugh. But I totally felt bad for her when she was talking to her friend about Kelsey. And the doorman basically “carding” her?  Ugh. I would have puked right there. Well, I guess in Camille’s case, diarrhead right there.

She then talked to the camera about how Kelsey he kept her basically “caged”, didn’t want her to have friends, go out and do anything, work, etc. This actually could explain a lot. No wonder she acts the way she does. She’s CRAVING attention.


What an asshole the woman is to whom Kelsey is now engaged! I hope she gets IBS, too.

The thing that actually made me genuinely feel bad for her is that she didn’t go to Taylor's birthday party. She seems like she really is hurt. Had she gone to the party and argued or cried – I would have called bullshit on her sadness.


I hope she’s back for next season because once she’s over her devastation, surely she’ll be back to the cuntwaffle she was during rest of the season.

Is it just me or should grown women not have birthday parties unless they are turning 30 or 40 or have six months to live? Bass-Mouth Taylor’s nerdy husband Russell is throwing her a party on a rooftop with a raffle and stuff.  We never end up seeing said raffle which made me sad because I wanted to see what kind of raffle rich people have. My kind of raffle is where you can win a 30 pack of Coors Light.


Russell has a stick up his ass. She obviously married for money because they do not seem compatible. What a terrible, awkward speech he gave her at her birthday. “Its been a wonderful year…um….I really look forward to the next year….and um…happy birthday.” I feel bad for Bass-Mouth in some ways but then I remember she spent like $2.5 million on her daughter’s fourth birthday party and then I don’t feel bad.

I wish Lisa Vanderpump were president. Or my neighbor. Or my therapist. I also love Adrienne and her fabulous sparkly heels! She was definitely not involved enough in this season.  And who the fuck likes raviolis with mushrooms and duck? I don’t blame Adrienne for not wanting any of that food. Maybe she had their limo stop at Burger King on the way home. I would have.  No, I’m lying. It would have been McDonald’s. Big Macs are so tasty after a night of drinking.


Kyle & Kim…the whole season built up to an argument between sisters??? SO DISAPPOINTING.
Days prior to the party, Kyle visits her psychic/medium who is not Allison Dubois. Evidently psychic/mediums are the “norm” in Beverly Hills.  Oh, by the way, how old is too old to wear those giant Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen bug sunglasses? Probably if you’re older than Mary Kate and Ashley…Kyle pay attention.



An even better question, why is Kyle carrying her mother’s ashes and a lock of her hair in her purse?  Yes, yes I know she brought them FOR the psychic but it just felt like she emptied some Cheezits out of a ziploc baggie and put a chunk of her dead mother’s hair in it.

Early in the episode, Kim went up a few points in my book because she’s wearing Converse All Stars, then minus one point for wearing white jeans. You’re too old, Kim…too old.  What is wrong with this family?



And now she’s back in the negative because she just entered the grown adult birthday party wearing a neck brace.  Ok it is a choker but a choker, like it’s 1993. Her dress does not require a necklace because it has one shoulder. I live in a shitty city in Massachusetts and shop at Old Navy and even I know that.  Oh and there’s a matching wristband!

She’s apparently drunk, maybe that’s why she’s dressed that way. She constantly looks like she has to pee. Not just this episode either, her face always looks pained like she’s standing in a line for the bathroom at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Sisters fighting, pointing fingers in each others faces over and over again. THIS was the big finale?

“You better watch your step.”
“No you better watch YOUR step.”

“No YOU watch YOUR step.”

“I’ve been a great sister to you.”

“No, I’VE been a great sister to YOU".

“I’m the Mary!”

“No I’m the Mary!!”

Oh, that last one is from Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion but it felt right.


Kyle, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR FUCKING HAIR! It’s too long!!!!!!! You’re too old for that hair. Demi Moore is too.

Apparently Kim is an alcoholic so I now feel bad for making fun of her neck brace.  How sad was the shot Bravo used of her to tell her “where is she now” story was her sitting way deep in the limo alone crying?


All in all, I rate this season finale as exciting as a trip to the shitter when you don’t have a magazine and you have to read the back of the Tampon box. I blame Camille.

However, in absolutely tremendously wonderful news, Krazy Kiloren-Bensimmon is back with the New York Housewives (minus Bethenney) on February 15th!!

DVR is the Best Invention EVER

I would never see any of my favorite shows if it weren't for DVR. I'm going to list the shows that I watch and will probably talk about and you're going to think "How the hell does she have time to watch all of these?"

The answer is my DVR, insomnia and the fact that my son sleeps from 7pm to 8am. 

It also helps that new seasons do not all begin at the same time!

Ones most likely to be discussed and re-capped:

The Real Housewives of ________ (fill in the blank) - I watch all of them! Currently Atlanta and Beverly Hills are coming to an end but the reunion shows are sure to be a shit show! Yipee!!!  The DC Housewives were awful but I feel like I'm going to miss something if I don't watch. Its like I'm back in high school and even if I was deathly ill I had to go to the Friday night football games and to the keg parties because if I didn't, I would miss a buttload of drama.

The Bad Girls Club - I actually didn't start watching this until about 6 months ago. I've caught reruns of the older seasons but have only been watching full seasons since the Miami one. So far the newest season is ok...we'll see the crazy develop and everyone will "pop off!!!" Already Bozo-haired girl has skanked it up and Dude-girl has managed to piss everyone off and we've only seen two episodes!

Teen Mom (& Teen Mom 2) - This is one of my favorites to talk about because I get so fired up and I can make fun of SO MUCH. I do feel bad for the babies but hopefully they'll get some money from their moms for exploiting them and I assume MTV will pay for their therapy.

Jersey Shore - "Cabs ah heeaah!!" Drunk orange people fighting and skanking it up by the sea? DING! DING! DING! What more could I ask for?

16 & Pregnant - The most recent season was BORING! I hope the next round of knocked up teens have studied up on what good reality TV should be...




Now these are the non-reality shows I watch:

True Blood
Dexter
Big Love
The Walking Dead
Law & Order Special Victims Unit
90210
Breaking Bad (although I'm only on season 2)
Medium (series finale is this Friday! Not happy)
The Office
Parks & Recreation