STOP SAYING WINNING

I never watched Two & a Half Men. Doesn't seem funny to me. I have seen Major League and Hot Shots. Also, Charlie was a guest on Friends and he played Phoebe's friend from the Navy who was only in NYC for the weekend - when Phoebe had chicken pox. 

So I have never actually been a Charlie Sheen FAN. After his marriage ended with Denise Richards (of whom I'm also not a fan) I began to dislike him. He's pretty gross.

I haven't followed the interviews but I've certainly seen and heard some quotes and it is enough to know that he sounds like he is losing his mind.

I also listened to Howard Stern (love him!) today and heard a rerun of the Porn Star Pageant today. One of the women - and believe me, I use that term very loosely - was the one who became pregnant when sleeping with Charlie. She talked about how this was her FOURTH abortion. Has this girl not heard of birth control or condoms? I wanted to throw up all over myself in the car but I was going in public so I didn't. I still feel quite sick about it.

Of course, like everyone else in the world, I'm slowing down to view the car crash and can't look away.  So tonight I decided to DVR Dateline NBC since it was all about Charlie. Let's see how this goes.

I don't dislike Charlie because he seems to be an out of control pig, I dislike him because he's a public figure with FIVE CHILDREN who are going to see and hear things.  He even released the video of authorities removing his twin boys from his home. He's been accused of domestic violence and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault.

Charlie claims that his TV show is the most valuable sitcom in the history of television. Seriously Charlie? Have you never seen Punky Brewster? The episode when Cherie gets trapped in the refrigerator was chilling! And who can forget this terrifying episode?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRf6hjm9hvU&feature=player_embedded#at=16

I digress...

Charlie cannot understand why they would cancel his show. In any other profession besides the entertainment world if someone was blatantly doing drugs and living it up with ugly hookers while his kids are taken away from him they would be fired from their job.  

Who gives a shit if you show up on time and do your work if you're putting a negative and crazy face on the company?

He wants $3 mil an episode. He was making $2 mil or so prior to this and says that he is underpaid.  Teachers, nurses - THEY are underpaid. Not you Charlie. Not you.

He's clean according to him. He was able to quit just by closing his eyes and making it so. Did somebody say WISH???? Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho!

(from www.thetvnet.com)

Pee Wee's Playhouse rocked.

Anyway...he's just making random sentences...not even sentences...just words. The tiger blood and Adonis DNA comments?

HOLD UP. Now he is right up there with Tom Cruise on my celebrity shit-list. He just said "Depression is a choice." My choice right now would be to punch you in the balls several times.

He's not embarrassed that his children will see this, in fact he thinks that it will be wonderful education for them. He has all the answers. Winning! STOP SAYING WINNING!

The interviewer is showing him some "Tweets" from after the Today Show interview he did. People said they feel bad for his kids, that he looked manic. He said he feels bad for those people who write this and they should "get a job" and that he's sad that people who have the time to write this might not ever have kids.

I'm not sure how long he thinks it takes to watch an interview on the Today Show and then type a sentence in under 140 characters but I don't think people were calling in sick or quitting their jobs to do it. And who is he to talk? He's unemployed right now!

I have a kid. I'm a mom 24/7 without any nannies - but I have time to write my blog because I'm not out snorting coke and paying porn stars to hang out with me!

The two girls that live with him are talking to the camera. One of them, who is a "model" for a marijuana magazine has a fidgety jaw.

They talk about how they hang out with the kids and my immediate reaction as a mother is pure adrenaline pumped rage. If my kids were in that situation around those type of people I would probably have left the country with them by now.

Even if he's sober and those two girls are sober - he's paying two women who have sex for money to live with him. I don't care of those two women looked like Mary Poppins when the kids are there - they're fucking hookers.  Um...porn stars...hookers...same thing.

UGH.

Jersey Shore: Cheese and Poop (from 3/3)

Aw crap. I forgot Sammi came back at the end of last week. Greeeaaaat.  Ronnie is pissed about her coming back too.

I think the guys are having some sort of Sock Hop because they are all walking around the living room in their socks and all you see is a bunch of high top sneakers around the room. I did see a spray bottle so maybe they are shining them up.

They are making fun of Sammi by guessing what she's asking...Did Ron go to the club? Did he dance? Did he talk to girls? Did Pauly and Vinny talk to girls? Did Ron talk to the waitress?

The sad thing is - she probably did ask all of these questions.

Everyone gets ready to go out, Sammi in a purple dress with her bra showing in the back, JWoww in a pink corset-type top with her boob KABLOW popping out, hairspray all around and Mike in 80s looking black jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray vest. Do people really look like this out at clubs nowadays? I'm not all up in here with Mom Jeans or anything but I suppose I'm out of the loop.

At the club, Ron is acting like Sam...stalking her. Snooki is having feelings for Vinny. She's worried that Vinny is going to take someone home.

Meanwhile, Vinny is talking to a Dominican girl named Laura who tells him she wants to have ten of his babies right now. How is that any kind of pick up line? Yes, having babies means you have to have sex but why hit on someone by talking about having his babies?

"Oooohh yeah, I can't wait to get stretch marks from growing your baby inside me."

"You are so hot, I won't even complain when I get hemorrhoids when I'm pregnant with your baby."

"Please take me home tonight and knock me up so I can throw up for a few months, gain 50 lbs. and then sue you for child support."

Awesome.

Vinny and Pauly take home Laura and some other girl. They don't go to the smoosh room so they each are in their twin size beds hooking up with these girls in the same room. Classy!

Sam and Snooki head home. I can see more of Sam's dress and I'm beginning to think she borrowed it from one of those Bratz dolls because it is THAT small.

The two girls run to Vinny & Pauly's room to see if they brought chicks home and you can clearly see Vinny banging the girl in the bed. GROSS. Ronnie carries Snooki and Sammi out of the room. He tries to talk Snooki out of caring and he's actually making sense. Sammi tells him he's acting like a drunk fuck. She apparently doesn't like reasonable human beings. Not that Ron is reasonable at any other point in time...I think she's just trying way too hard to sound like a badass.

In a quick shot of the bedroom you see the girl holding her underwear above her head trying to straighten them out to put back on. Why bother? It isn't like you have anything to hide after hooking up with a guy you just met on national television.  Shortly after sexing it up the guys call a cab for the unpaid hookers.

JWoww and Deena are walking...er...stumbling home from the club. JWoww has to pee so she's going between two cars. Deena says she has a napkin in her purse so she follows her and stands very close to her as she's squatting. Of course, pee gets on her foot. Why the hell are you standing in the line of her pee puddle? Any girl knows there is a certain distance you must stand when another girl is peeing outside.

The next day everyone besides Snooki are going bowling. Deena drives one of the vehicles and I think I'm fearing for the passengers lives. She takes a sharp turn and a Red Bull spills under JWoww's butt so she is forced to lift it up in the air on the ride. Deena hands JWoww her purse and says "Check in here, I might have a napkin." I hope she doesn't have a napkin in there because if she does, it's probably full of JWoww's pee.

Awesome, the toilet is clogged again. You'd think with all the drinking they do that they wouldn't have such solid poops. Ron is heading in to check it out so he stuffs toilet paper in his nostrils. Apparently simply breathing through his mouth is out of the question.

He also puts ziplock baggies on his hands to lift up the toilet seat. It is a frightening sight. Mike is standing in the hallway cowering behind Vinny as if there is a rabid raccoon in the bathroom and he's afraid it is going to jump on him. Pauly D (love him!) yells, "The water's green bro!" and they think it might be algae growing on the poop.

I'm having the same problem I did with watching Survivor last night when they went underwater and I held my breath. I'm breathing through my nose as if I might be able to smell the green poop through the television.

The plumbers arrive and if they can't unclog it they may have to take the entire toilet out. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING? One of the plumbers is surprised that there are no maggots.

I'm officially gagging.

Someone flushed a pair of underwear, announces the plumber. However, the Jersey Shore roommates are calling it something else...*BEEP*-tee.

I'm going to google it...ok lots of people apparently didn't know what was said because it was already all over the web. I guess it was a wife beater but they call it a "Guinea-tee". I've never heard that expression in my life. Oh what the Jersey Shore teaches me!  I think ribbed white undershirt tanks are the only articles of clothing that are named with offensive terms.

I'm afraid of what that wife beater was used for to get it flushed down the toilet. Seriously afraid.
Everyone except Snooki, Ron and Sam go to the bar. Mike is talking to a girl who I think doesn't own a brush. She says she's 21 but he doesn't believe her so she shows him her ID. People are getting carded to hook up with The Situation now.

Back home, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi decide to put a bunch of different cheese in Mike's bed. Slices of American cheese, grated Parmesan and cream cheese. I'm still breathing through my mouth.

Sam says "schmear" and Ron says "schmorgasbord". My ears are bleeding. Someone needs to schtrangle or schlap them. Now.

Mike takes the uncombed girl home and they climb into bed of cheese. Snooki worries that they'll get pinkeye from hooking up with the cheese so nearby.

Days later they are out on the porch talking about how dirty and smelly it is out there (there are flies everywhere). If it stinks on the porch which is OUTSIDE with ocean air, imagine what it must smell like inside.

Anyway Mike says "Speaking of smell...I had the chick over the other night. I had to kick her out." He says she smelled like grated cheese. The thing is, I know there was cheese under the sheets but I'm pretty sure the uncombed girl smelled like cheese too.

Mike thinks that you can't get an STD from getting a hummer.  JWoww calls a health clinic to confirm to Mike that you CAN get herpes and she also tells the man answering the phone that they had a girl there that smelled like grated cheese. He tells them she probably had a yeast infection.

I'm going to throw up and I don't think I'm eating cheese for a long time.

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 3/2)

Starting off with chills down the back of my neck. Giant fuzzy spiders with night vision cameras. I think I might have peed a little.

Matt is on Redemption Island with Franchesca. He had been so confident that he didn't even bring his things with him to Tribal Council so hopefully he's wearing his underwear.

Back at orange camp, Boston Rob is telling crazy Phillip that he can be in the alliance with himself, Grant, Ashley and Natalie (I think that's her name). I'm not sure if he's just stringing him along because he's clearly easily manipulated (which is frightening since he was a federal agent) or if he just knows he could win against him in the end.

Great, after the commercial there is a bright yellow snake on the TV. Why don't I just watch this show from the bathroom?

At purple camp, two members are able to go to Redemption Island to watch the duel between Franchesca and Matt.  Two guys are going - I don't know their names well yet - they need to be crazy for me to remember them. At orange camp, Andrea (Matt's tribe girlfriend) and Ashley are going.

Whoever wins the duel stays on Redemption Island until the next person gets voted out and the loser goes home. We have no idea when the Redemption Island person will return to camp, but I'm sure it will be after the merge or they will go back to the other tribe as some sort of twist.

Matt and Franchesca have to tie together sticks to reach three keys and pull them back without dropping them. Well, Matt sucked at first on this, Franchesca had two keys before he had one but on her third key, her stick broke a bit. So now they are tied. Jeff's play-by-play is irritating and is probably making them so nervous.  It is making me want to punch him or throw poop at him like a monkey does.

Matt ends up winning and Jeff announces "MATT STAYS ALIVE!" and everything is quiet. I guess I expected there to be clapping, but this is not Three's Company and it is not filmed in front of a live studio audience.

When Matt is told to go back to Redemption Island he scoffs a bit and Jeff asks him why. He says that it is nothing like the camp back at Ometepe (aka orange) and it is tough being alone. That wus just got there the night before and he wasn't alone, he was with Franchesca who has been out there with all the frogs, snakes, cameramen and spiders.

The purple guys get back to their tribe and lie to Russell about who won at Redemption Island. Not sure why that matters.

Russell and his two chicks are looking for the Immunity idol. They decide to make a fake one to throw everyone off. Seems kind of silly but the young pawn, Stephanie is excited about it.

Russell has lots of pus filled red bumps under his armpits. Gross.

The other six purples talk about maybe throwing the next immunity challenge just so they can vote Russell out.

The challenge involves three people strapped to a big wheel. The wheel turns and the people are forced underwater where they need to fill up their mouths with water and spit it in a tube. After that I didn't pay attention to what was needed to win, as I was holding my breath as if I was underwater. I hate that I do that. I almost passed out watching The Abyss.

After the water vomiting wheel of death, it is a puzzle. Purple team is clearly throwing the challenge.  I actually feel bad when orange team wins and they are excited as if they earned it. But, they did get a couple of chairs, blankets and tarps and as an added bonus they get crazy Phillip for a few more days.

Russell suspects that they threw the challenge but you'd have to be a complete moron to not realize it.  He figures out immediately what the others' plan is - to have 3 votes for Russell and 3 votes for another. Then with the tie, revote would be for Russell.

Stephanie is super pumped because she talked to Julie who is part of the other six and she thinks they are all set now and Julie is with them. Sure, the child convinced the "old lady" to join her.  I'm hoping Julie is not turning and joining the puss armpit league.

Russell knows how to play but he somehow manipulates the ladies because Stephanie is swinging from his balls right now. At Tribal Council she's making an ass of herself and I'm embarrassed. I think even Russell is embarrassed for her.  She can't keep her mouth shut, I feel like maybe she has been licking frogs or drinking vodka.

The first vote goes as planned...3 votes Russell, 3 votes Crazy Stephanie and 3 votes hairy Ralph. Of course the revote is against Russell so he is headed to Redemption Island. I think I smell Stephanie shitting in her string bikini bottom.

The Real Housewives of Miami (from 3/1)

Episode two of Fashion Nightmares!

Adriana tells her long haired fiance that the other girls "double dog dared" her to walk the catwalk at the fashion show the other night. Um no, they were mortified by you, they did not double dog dare you, that was the kid in A Christmas Story daring the other kid to stick his tongue to the frozen pole.

I'll blame the language barrier but Adriana's impression of someone stabbing you in the back ("chu chung") sounded like a slot machine, not the "reeee reeee reeee" that you would normally hear when someone makes the stabbing motion. 

She believes that Larsa and Cristy are jealous of her and she tries to explain how she doesn't feel that way about women friends, her fiance is not listening, he's staring at her boobs. His response to her statement is "You look so beautiful, I love this top on you."


Lea is planning some sort of charity event she's calling a "gala". Her hair looks like someone just rubbed a balloon on it and she clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the word BLEND in reference to eyeshadow. Anyway, a ticket to get in is $500. That better mean they have mini-quiches or I want my money back.

Lea is to this show as Vicki is to the OC show. She works ever so hard, not many people can keep up her pace and to take time out for a luncheon is unheard of!  She claims that for three months during the planning of this gala she works from 6am until about 2 or 3am.  I guess this is why she doesn't have time to browse fashion magazines because she's the worst dressed of them all.


Alexia is an executive editor of Venue, a Spanish magazine.  That's all I got from her segment.


Cristy, the super proud Latino Cuban girl, is hosting this week's cooking/drinking/eating event at her place. I hope she talks about where she got those bracelets because I want them. Anyway, she has some crazy Chef Pepin there who is supposedly well known and on TV. However, Larsa points out - he's using a crock pot to make the food. WHAT'S WRONG WITH A CROCK POT? That helps stuff to really soak up the flavor, no?  (I wrote that with a Spanish accent).

Adriana also thinks it is a joke because some of the food is in cans, it isn't fresh. I feel more white trash every day watching these shows - but I'm happy about that. My friends don't judge me for using crock pots or having Ellios pizza (right?).

When the ladies are eating their Cuban meal outside, Adriana takes a phone call from her fiance who ends up hanging up on her "in her face". No, Adriana...if he hung up on you in your face that would mean he would have to be standing right there in your face...hence the term "in your face".  Anyway, she knew about her son getting out of school early so she called the school and asked them to keep her son there anyway until she was done with her luncheon. WHAT? When she asked her fiance to pick him up in some parking lot, he hung up on her. I sort of don't blame him - get off your ass, put the drink down and pick up your fucking kid!

I like Alexia right now because she's agreeing with Adriana's fiance. She tells Adriana - you're not working, he is. Holy shit, a real housewife that makes sense!

Cristy and Larsa tell Adriana to put the guy on lockdown for the rest of the week and he should be kissing her ass. I believe the exact opposite. This guy left work to pick up HER son while she sits around drinking and eating with her friends.  Ugh, these women are self centered. The difference between their self-centeredness and the other franchises is the Miami women are not only snobby about their money - they think they are gifts to the world and everyone should bow to them.


On some sweaty rooftop, Larsa says that it is so hot that she just wants to wear her bikini all the time. Her friend Mary who looks like JLo says "And you do, considering how short the shorts are that you're wearing."  Larsa says they are LONG and stands up to show this. I shit you not I have underwear bigger than these shorts...and no they aren't granny panties either.

Larsa just used the "R" word to describe one of her nannies. I don't like her.  Now we're in her closet which is the size of my entire house.


I really feel like the women on this show are acting too much. I'm not saying the other Real Housewives are all that "real" either, but all of the Miami women seem like they are putting on a show for the cameras.



Back to Lea and her gala planning. Joe Francis, the sweaty ballsack of celebrities is attending. (For those who don't know, he's the disgusting man who created "Girls Gone Wild". He's gross.) Apparently Lea's husband is his lawyer.

Marysol is getting ready for the gala and she tells her makeup artist that she wants eyeliner inside the bottom...he tells her this is not in fashion anymore. Who knew? I told you I was white trash.  I will say that her dress is somewhat pretty - especially considering what I've seen so far.


Lea is wearing a necklace that I think is used to hook tractor trailers up to the cab. It is enormous and hideous.  Her dress is ugly, her hair is terrible. I'm so confused.

IT'S GLORIA ESTEFAN!!!! I was wondering when she would show up. I wonder if she has The Miami Sound Machine with her! I'm so excited...1,2,3,4 come on baby say you love me...5,6,7 times! Maybe there will be a Conga line later!

Cristy, blaming a flat tire, is tardy for the party . (Ok Kim Zolciak IS attending this event so someone should get her to sing.)  I'm pretty sure Cristy is late because she didn't pay for a ticket.  She also brings two friends! I'm embarrassed for her.  One of Lea's "crew" tells her about the crashing and Lea plans to invoice them. I suddenly like her despite her awful clothes.  Cristy thinks she's just stopping by to show support but she didn't buy a ticket - FOR CHARITY!! She knows that her being there makes it look to everyone else, all the celebs, Gloria Estefan and all like she DID pay and give to the charity.

Cristy is LAME.

I don't know how this season is going to go yet. The whole "acting" that is going on by them is annoying. In one of the last scenes Cristy even looked at the camera to make sure that it was filming her kiss some people on the cheek. Blech. We'll see.

Teen Mom: Coonskin Park (from 3/1)

Oh goody goody gumdrops we're starting the episode off with Miserablyn (Kailyn).  She's working a lot and going to school so we see Jo bathing Isaac and unlike the girls, he doesn't walk away from him while in the tub. Score one point for the boys' team.

Jordan, the awkward guy that Kailyn dated recently asks her to hang out again. They go to an arcade in their Sports Authority uniforms. Rad.

Jo's mom, Janet pulls Kailyn aside to talk about her relationship Jo. Can we have a big party for Janet because she's the most level headed person on Teen Mom ever.  Actually, probably on all of MTV. She reiterates her feelings about Kailyn seeing someone else while living in their house. GO TEAM JANET!

Not caring about this at all, Kailyn leaves Isaac with Jo so she can go rock climbing with Jordan. She texts Jo to tell him she's working late. He'll never find out the truth.

Kailyn is sneaking around with Jordan. Jo is smart enough to know that Kailyn is lying to him.  Next week he calls her a whore. Whore.


Jenelle is getting "serious" in her apartment search. She's still wearing the weird club/concert paper bracelets and I'm also now seeing she has a dirty hemp bracelet in addition to a dirty hemp necklace. WHAT YEAR IS THIS????

Reefer still hasn't found a job, he's just hanging out in a Surf shop with a hood on. He and Jenelle realize they will soon not have any place to live. I realize that while Jenelle's eyebrows are normal length, each of them are half dark and half light/somewhat bald. They look like a small worms leaving entrails.
She needs to fill that shit in.


Jenelle has the wonderful idea to ask her mom if her and Reefer can live there. This should be good.

She thinks that her mom has been happy with her lately because she's in school and working...however when she walks in the house Barbara doesn't say hi, she says "What are YOU doing here?"

The first thing Jenelle does is hand Jace a bottle of prescription pills to play with.

Barbara is okay with Jenelle and Reefer moving in. The countdown begins to a blowup.

They have to do some chores if they want to stay there so while Reefer watches Jenelle is sweeping the driveway.


She then proceeds to unflinchingly video her son as he falls on the hardwood floor and his toy lands on top of him.  She says "oooohhh!" as if she just saw a friend of hers wipeout on a skateboard. When Barbara goes to the store, she lets Jace play around the glass coffee table.


So - Reefer also has one of those club/concert paper bracelet things and I think his says FUCK. No wonder you can't get a job you moron.

I'm unclear as to what happened but there is some sort of liquid on the couch. Neither Jenelle nor Reefer make any attempt to clean it.

Jenelle pretends she has never seen it before when Barbara notices it.  Barbara complains as she cleans it up that they've only been there a week and Jenelle says "I knew she'd blame that on me, told you Kiefer." She forgot the lie she told just moments before.

Jenelle blames the spill on Jace. Someone please submit her name for mother of the year.

Here we go. Jenelle and Reefer need to take the edge off living with Barbara. While she's inside with Jace, they go out in the yard to get baked. Barbara comes outside with Jace and yells "You're smoking weed in front of my house!" Reefer giggles. Wrong move "hustler!" (That's what Barbara calls him).

Barbara is flaming pissed, and rightly so. Jenelle just quietly rocks back and forth, not a care in the world. Barbara says that Reefer doesn't have a job and does nothing and Reefer's rebuttal is "Whatchu mean, I get money."

After this confrontation, Reefer and Jenelle's conversation is about how they are going to make lots of money and have a bigger house and a nicer car than her someday. I'm seriously nauseated and genuinely sad that this poor baby Jace has a mother like this.

Since leaving Barbara's house, Jenelle and Reefer basically break into the house they were staying in previously because the guy's parents' will not be there for another week. Jenelle cries about the fact that he'll have to move back to New Jersey because they have no place to live. No one to tell her that they love her everyday. This is her main concern.





Chelsea and her dad take Aubree to the park. They discuss Adam again. Chelsea's reasoning behind being happy with him now is that before she used to have to "beg him to hang out" and now she likes that he's just always there.  Time to raise your standards Chelsea. This girl is very pretty and while not the sharpest tool in the shed, she seems like a nice girl. She deserves a lot better than Adam.

Chelsea's dad only wants $300 a month from Adam. I'm really beginning to see where Chelsea gets her pushover nature.  One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

It's a new day and I think Chelsea is wearing Aubree's bedding.

Adam applies for a couple of jobs.  Amazing what people will do to stay on TV these days. Ambition.

Chelsea is letting Aubree play with her curling iron. I know it isn't plugged in at the moment but it will be at some point - am I nuts to think she shouldn't be letting her hold it even when it's not on? Its like "Hey go play in the middle of the street right now because there are no cars."

When Adam gets home she asks him to fill Aubree's bottle with juice, and it isn't watered down. I think dentists in her town are hearing CHA CHING in their heads right now because they can see the cavities coming from miles away.

Chelsea is "glad" Adam is looking for a job and he's clearly overjoyed to have to work for a living but now her concern is that he won't have any time for her and Aubree. Also, he has cheated on her in the past when he worked nights at a restaurant so now she's paranoid he'll cheat again. I guess where they live assholes with part time waiter jobs get a lot of tail.




Leah and Corey are hanging out at her mom's house. Not only is Corey wearing his too tightly curled brim hat, he has a neon green T-shirt that says "Corey" on it.  Leah's hair looks so pretty when it is all straight, I'm glad she doesn't scrunch anymore.

I have to hand it to these two - not many people could handle having twins, nevermind as teenagers and on top of that they have these health problems with Ali.

Thanks to my awesome friend Carrie Sinwelski, I was on the lookout for Coonskin Park. This is where Leah and Corey want to get married. They enter a building named "C. Richard Foutche Clubhouse". I wonder if they offer a camoflauge theme?

I feel like an awful person for making fun of them because they really are cute together and are decent parents!

Oh my goodness, Leah's mother's hair is straight for a day! I guess she finally went to Leah's hairdresser! Also, MTV has used more subtitles in this episode so I can understand a third of what Corey is saying. Progress all around.

The day has come for Ali's MRI.  I feel nervous for all of them and damn, now I'm crying. I truly wish them the best and hope that everything turns out ok.

I can't even give a sarcastic sign off because this episode's ending was so emotional.

I'm just kidding.

Until next week, tell your baby daddies to cut the sleeves off t-shirts and stop shaving!

Bethenny Ever After: Season Premiere (from 2/28)

I loved Bethenny so much during the RH of NY because of her quick wit and her one-liners. She cracked me up. I think she and Jason are such a cute couple and holy crap does Bryn look like her dad?

I wasn't sure if I was going to recap this because typically my recaps are to make fun of the show (even though I love it). I don't want to make fun of Bethenny...but we'll see how this goes!


The first thing I notice is how skinny she looks. I know she just did an interview with US Weekly about being obsessed with being thin (umm...yeah, you're "brand" is "Skinny Girl"). She also had her baby around the same time I had mine - so of course I compare bodies. BAD IDEA. She was teeny tiny within just a few weeks. So in this premiere, she looks frighteningly thin, maybe because her boobs look gigantic? 

She's talking about how she doesn't know about things like when she's supposed to have a will or a life insurance policy. Yeah, that's me.  She's glad that if something happened to her, her money would go to Bryn and not Jason to spend on his new 'ho and her pink cardigan.

So Bethenny and her friend Lauren go to a bra store. Now I've been to NYC several times but I never noticed things on awnings like this bra store. It says "Linda's" (as in the name of the store) and next to it in block letters "BRAS FROM 32AA - 42G".  Is that necessary? I would think that a bra store would need to announce if it has sizes OTHER than those. I mean, if I had a bra store and we sold 48HHH I'd advertise that.

Bethenny's never been properly fitted for a bra - me neither. Probably because prior to having a baby I was always just 34-A. I probably should go and get measured now. Do they have sizes called Saggy-B's?

Ok...she comes out in a bra and I see her stomach and I want to go and throw up everything I've eaten for the last year and a half.

Bethenny, Jason, Bryn and Cookie are headed to Jason's parents' house in Pennsylvania. Once in the car, Bethenny asks "Did Cookie just shit in the car?" and Jason's response was "It wasn't me." That cracked me up for some reason.

They stop to pick up a cake for Jason's mom and Jason needs to find the shit smell in the car. They discover it is on the floor mat in the driver's seat. Bethenny goes to get the cake and Jason lets Cookie out of the car, off her leash - right in NYC! The poor dog runs into an open store and Jason can't go after her because Bryn is in the car. I'd be like "Dude...camera guy...help me out" but he doesn't and Cookie comes running out darting into the street. Luckily, people have stopped their cars to watch what TV show is being filmed so she's not hit.

Jason's mom is Jason's twin sister I think.

A friend of Jason's stops by and he looks like he's trying to look 19 and wearing a shirt that says "I (heart) HOT MOMS". WTF? He knew he was going to be on TV and this is what he chose to wear? His hair looks like a toupee and a bad one. It is kind of like a mullet wig and he says he drives 120 miles to get his hair done. Holy shit.

The next day they take a walk "downtown" which is basically nothing...and looks exactly like my "downtown" except we have hookers, homeless and drug dealers there. But the empty storefronts are the same! Bethenny would be mortified coming to my city of about 40,000 people...the armpit of the state.

They go to a coffee shop and I think they are in my city. There are even people peeking over the walls and around corners to see the "TV people" just like when Fox 25 does their zip trip to my city.

Oh I'm so embarrassed that this girl went up and asked for her autograph. What am I saying, that'd probably be me except I'd be sweating profusely.

At dinner that night everyone is staring. It is so uncomfortable I want to fast forward. To make things worse, Jason brings up possibly moving to California. Jason's parents look like they are going to drop dead.

Why is Jason suddenly using Jersey Shore grease in his hair?

Oh my...lots of discomfort about visiting his parents. I know she's had huge family problems and so it is weird for her that Jason is so close to his family.

(I'm sick of typing Bethenny, its an awkward name to type, so from now on, she's B).

Thank goodness, its the next day. However, Jason's dad is talking about Bryn coming to visit all the time. So they are talking about it again. I do feel a little bit for his parents, they lost their other son and this is their first (and possibly only) grandchild. B is a bit too blunt with them so I just wish this weekend were over!

Jason's mom mentions Thanksgiving, jokingly and B gives her dagger eyes. She laughs it off and says "First we have to get through Halloween." I think I did see some sharp objects fly out of B's pupils. She says that they HAVE to do things on their own as a family, have some holidays on their own.

I'm so torn here because Jason and his family are just so sweet but I understand the smothering feeling B must be getting. She isn't used to this good old fashioned family honky tonk.

I don't know what that means.

B & Jason head to Partner's Pub (sorry if you don't live near me that joke is lost).  Drinks are in plastic cups and the shots are blue.  I feel like such white trash because B would totally think I'm white trash. HA!

B says that she has no roots and Jason's friend says something like "you have roots here now" and I almost cried.

And again I almost cried watching Jason's parents stand on the lawn, smiling as they watch B & Jason drive away.  I'm not even drinking.

The Real Housewives of Miami: Series Premiere (from 2/22)

The episode hasn't started yet but I must say that I could never live in Miami because I hate how people dress there. It is like Miami Vice, seriously. Well - of course I'm going off what I see on TV.
Dexter is based in Miami and too many people wear white pants and silly hats. Just during the intro to this RH episode, I saw the ugliest bathing suit I've ever seen.  I could rest my case right now.

First we meet Lea. I enter into evidence a hideous blouse and ugly gold jewelry. A few scenes of her and I can't keep up with describing the ugly clothes.

(from www.starcasm.net)

Lea is somehow involved with celebrities like Dennis Rodman. I'm too distracted by her ugly outfits to understand what she does for a living, but I'm sure we'll find out as the season goes on.



Larsa is married to Scottie Pippen. They have three sons and one daughter. So far the kids dress better than any of the adults.

(from www.accesshollywood.com)



Larsa goes out shopping and is wearing what I can only assume is a silky pajama romper. She holds up something that looks like a scarf with a belt and asks "Is this for the bedroom or to go out to dinner?" Ummm, I think it's some kind of scuba gear but I don't know.

Larsa is heading to a gun range to learn to shoot a gun. She screams after every shot. Afterwards, they walk out onto the field to pick up their targets. I am not walking onto a gun range field, ever.

Surprisingly, no one gets shot and Larsa takes her target home. Out of let's say 60 or so shots, she hit it three times.


Adriana, an art dealer, IS wearing pajamas outside in her first scene. She's having breakfast by the water with her fiance and her son. Her son is eating an egg out of its shell in an egg cup. I've never seen such a thing.



Now, I would never eat an egg this way, but now that I've looked up pictures of egg cups, I SO want to collect gaudy egg cups.

 

 

(from www.7gadgets.com, www.applesundermybed.blogspot.com, www.oneinchpunch.net, www.germancarblog.com)

Back to the show.

(from www.poptower.com)

One of Adriana's tops has little mirrors on it. She's the one who was wearing the worst bathing suit ever in the opening scene.

Cristy is Cuban American, was married to an ex-NBA player, is wearing blue nail polish and talks WAY too fast. She seems like the drinker of the group. 

(from www.poptower.com)



Adriana, Larsa and Cristy go to a fashion show. Adriana is embarrassed that they are very early to the show and are the first ones in the front row. I'm wondering if they aren't actually early and no one goes to fashion shows in Miami because all the clothes are ugly. But we'll see. 

Adriana likes the men wearing speedos in the fashion show. In New England when you see a guy in a speedo at the beach, he's usually a pale Canadian and a little pudgy.  We don't see men up here like that and I'm glad. I like regular 'board shorts' on guys, not banana hammocks.  

The three girls go out to a club after the fashion show. They awkwardly get up and dance. A boy wearing a buttoned up vest like he's in a wedding comes up to dance with Cristy. Larsa, feeling uncomfortable with guys around sits down and Adriana calls her a stick in the mud. I'm with Larsa here...she's married. No need for anyone to be rubbing their banana hammock on her.

A guy who is wearing a scarf - yes a scarf...the AC must be blasting or something - tells Larsa that it is weird that she's happily married. Yup, time to go home.

Alexia is blonde with brown eyebrows. From far away she could pass for Beth Stern (Howard's wife) but Beth is prettier. Alexia looks young but she has a 17 year old son who doesn't know what "grass fed filet mignon" means on the menu.  Oh my.

(from www.poptower.com)



Alexia's husband has the unfortunate name of Herman. He looks like he could be her father.

When Alexia talks, her sounds like my friend Melissa pretending to have an accent. 

Her son Peter is going on a cruise with his girlfriend and she's nervous about it because she knows he'll be stuffing his face. Umm...I'd probably be more nervous that he's a teenager going on a cruise with his girlfriend but hey, my son is only 9 months old so how can I talk.

Marysol has had some work done on her lips. She owns a PR firm. Her lips are awful. In the little staff meeting she asks her employees how their weekend was and one responds that it is Friday. Her lips are awful.

(from www.survivorsucks.yuku.com)



At a lunch with two guys, one wearing a silly white hat (see, I told you!), Marysol says she's anti-plastic surgery. Ok so maybe I'm wrong about her lips and she's just wearing one of those Barbie masks for Halloween - remember those, when your face sweat underneath it? Hmmm...I'll look for the white elastic.

Marysol's mother is scary looking. I think she is also wearing a Barbie mask but this one is Grandma-Cat-Woman-Barbie. She looks like a less scary version of Jocelyn Wildenstein. If you don't know who that is, just Google "bad plastic surgery"...you'll see.

Marysol looks much more natural and pretty when next to her mother.

Lea is having a girls night that involves cooking, eating and drinking. She's wearing a peace sign necklace, a white button down with stripes on the inside, mom jeans and a pinky ring that could knock someone out. Seriously, I'm not making this stuff up.

Holy shit, I see something I like on one of the women! Cristy is wearing  like 5 inches of beaded bracelets and I am in love with the look. After this I'm going on a hunt for a bunch of colored beaded bracelets. 

You can sort of see them in this photo but she has even more on in the scene I'm talking about. 

(from www.realityredone.com)

I guess I needed to put the picture up to prove that they aren't hideous like the rest of the clothes and accessories on this show.

The women drink from huge wine glasses that are probably sold in the home & garden section of the store because they can be used to grow plants. 

Well, the previews for this season look great. I'm looking forward to recapping the fighting, the gossip and the hideous clothes!

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 2/23)

Well, we left off last week with "Fransessqua" being voted off and sent to Redemption Island. She's there by herself in the dark and I'm scared.  But wait, she's not really alone, there are camera men. So if she needs a snake or a frog to be killed I'm sure they'd do it for her.

Back in the orange tribe, crazy pink underwear man Phillip pulls Boston Rob aside to babble on about meaningless nonsense. Boston Rob knows this former federal agent is not all there and makes a true statement "Government jobs? Stressful."

Its daytime now and Phillip is walking around in his pink undies again. Now he's trying to catch a tiny crab with a javelin. Ok it's a stick shaped into a spear but doesn't it sound more exciting if it were a javelin?

During his interview behind a tree he's basically crying while talking about the good old U.S. of A. and himself.

Over on purple, Russell is trying to gather up some of the gullible girls to be on his alliance.  So, the young one and the blonde one. If I were on this team I would take it as such a compliment if he didn't approach me to be on his alliance.

Ralph, the hairy man in overalls who Russell believes is the dumbest man on the planet is picking up rocks for some reason. He drops them all when an ant crawls on his hand and discovers the immunity idol. That was easy.

Ok, there are red frogs with black legs where they are. I'm freaking out.

On the orange tribe, blonde boy (Matt) and blonde girl (Andrea) are flirting openly. I can practically smell the B.O. through the screen. Animals.

Time for an immunity challenge. Phillip announces in some strange accent that he will outlast any man over there (Redemption Island). Where did this accent come from? Isn't there some frog that you lick and trip your balls off? I think he was licking those frogs.

The reward that will be won along with the immunity idol is fishing gear. I'd totally be screwed on Survivor because I hate fish. I'd need some kind of kit to make Big Macs to get me moving.

Now, in this challenge, part of it is diving in some water, swimming a bit and then climbing up a ladder. All of the girls have to pick up their bikini bottoms as they climb the ladder.  Yes, you look lovely in your string bikini but thanks for losing the challenge for us because your ass crack was hanging out and you had to pull it up. Common sense would tell them to wear one piece bathing suits...but then some guys wouldn't watch the show and the girls wouldn't get offers from Playboy afterwards...so I guess the bikinis are necessary.

Purple team wins immunity and the reward. Boston Rob is PISSED. He's even more pissed that blondie Matt goes over to shake the other team's hands.

Russell carries the reward back to camp because he knows the clue for the hidden immunity idol is in it. He sneaks it into his pocket and supposed "dummy" Ralph sees him.  When Russell goes off with his two followers, Ralph tells the rest of the tribe about what he saw. 

Of course, Ralph HAS the immunity idol. Right now, he looks like the smartest one on the tribe. Don't judge a hairy book by its overalls.

Orange tribe - Phillip is making his little speech to the tribe as if he's some kind of leader. No one responds and it is embarrassing.

Boston Rob is much smarter at this game than anyone else. He's putting on a big to-do with Phillip and telling him that he'll put his hand on the shoulder of the person he wants him to vote for.  However, this is just a test to see if Phillip will blab this all at tribal council.

Here we are and so far Phillip isn't blabbing about what Boston Rob told him, he's going on and on about his tattoos, animals and his country. He's making no sense. I think the effects of licking that frog are still lingering. People are giggling at him, including myself.

He's looking forward to meeting his nemesis on Redemption Island. Franchesca. Hilarious that this former federal agent's arch nemesis is a woman he just met. And he still pronounces is Fransessqua.

Big Boobs Kristina plays her immunity idol, although it was unnecessary. Matt and Andrea are completely shocked that Matt was voted out.

I'm still wondering what Phillip did with that crab he stuck with the javelin.