Jersey Shore: Cheese and Poop (from 3/3)

Aw crap. I forgot Sammi came back at the end of last week. Greeeaaaat.  Ronnie is pissed about her coming back too.

I think the guys are having some sort of Sock Hop because they are all walking around the living room in their socks and all you see is a bunch of high top sneakers around the room. I did see a spray bottle so maybe they are shining them up.

They are making fun of Sammi by guessing what she's asking...Did Ron go to the club? Did he dance? Did he talk to girls? Did Pauly and Vinny talk to girls? Did Ron talk to the waitress?

The sad thing is - she probably did ask all of these questions.

Everyone gets ready to go out, Sammi in a purple dress with her bra showing in the back, JWoww in a pink corset-type top with her boob KABLOW popping out, hairspray all around and Mike in 80s looking black jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray vest. Do people really look like this out at clubs nowadays? I'm not all up in here with Mom Jeans or anything but I suppose I'm out of the loop.

At the club, Ron is acting like Sam...stalking her. Snooki is having feelings for Vinny. She's worried that Vinny is going to take someone home.

Meanwhile, Vinny is talking to a Dominican girl named Laura who tells him she wants to have ten of his babies right now. How is that any kind of pick up line? Yes, having babies means you have to have sex but why hit on someone by talking about having his babies?

"Oooohh yeah, I can't wait to get stretch marks from growing your baby inside me."

"You are so hot, I won't even complain when I get hemorrhoids when I'm pregnant with your baby."

"Please take me home tonight and knock me up so I can throw up for a few months, gain 50 lbs. and then sue you for child support."

Awesome.

Vinny and Pauly take home Laura and some other girl. They don't go to the smoosh room so they each are in their twin size beds hooking up with these girls in the same room. Classy!

Sam and Snooki head home. I can see more of Sam's dress and I'm beginning to think she borrowed it from one of those Bratz dolls because it is THAT small.

The two girls run to Vinny & Pauly's room to see if they brought chicks home and you can clearly see Vinny banging the girl in the bed. GROSS. Ronnie carries Snooki and Sammi out of the room. He tries to talk Snooki out of caring and he's actually making sense. Sammi tells him he's acting like a drunk fuck. She apparently doesn't like reasonable human beings. Not that Ron is reasonable at any other point in time...I think she's just trying way too hard to sound like a badass.

In a quick shot of the bedroom you see the girl holding her underwear above her head trying to straighten them out to put back on. Why bother? It isn't like you have anything to hide after hooking up with a guy you just met on national television.  Shortly after sexing it up the guys call a cab for the unpaid hookers.

JWoww and Deena are walking...er...stumbling home from the club. JWoww has to pee so she's going between two cars. Deena says she has a napkin in her purse so she follows her and stands very close to her as she's squatting. Of course, pee gets on her foot. Why the hell are you standing in the line of her pee puddle? Any girl knows there is a certain distance you must stand when another girl is peeing outside.

The next day everyone besides Snooki are going bowling. Deena drives one of the vehicles and I think I'm fearing for the passengers lives. She takes a sharp turn and a Red Bull spills under JWoww's butt so she is forced to lift it up in the air on the ride. Deena hands JWoww her purse and says "Check in here, I might have a napkin." I hope she doesn't have a napkin in there because if she does, it's probably full of JWoww's pee.

Awesome, the toilet is clogged again. You'd think with all the drinking they do that they wouldn't have such solid poops. Ron is heading in to check it out so he stuffs toilet paper in his nostrils. Apparently simply breathing through his mouth is out of the question.

He also puts ziplock baggies on his hands to lift up the toilet seat. It is a frightening sight. Mike is standing in the hallway cowering behind Vinny as if there is a rabid raccoon in the bathroom and he's afraid it is going to jump on him. Pauly D (love him!) yells, "The water's green bro!" and they think it might be algae growing on the poop.

I'm having the same problem I did with watching Survivor last night when they went underwater and I held my breath. I'm breathing through my nose as if I might be able to smell the green poop through the television.

The plumbers arrive and if they can't unclog it they may have to take the entire toilet out. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING? One of the plumbers is surprised that there are no maggots.

I'm officially gagging.

Someone flushed a pair of underwear, announces the plumber. However, the Jersey Shore roommates are calling it something else...*BEEP*-tee.

I'm going to google it...ok lots of people apparently didn't know what was said because it was already all over the web. I guess it was a wife beater but they call it a "Guinea-tee". I've never heard that expression in my life. Oh what the Jersey Shore teaches me!  I think ribbed white undershirt tanks are the only articles of clothing that are named with offensive terms.

I'm afraid of what that wife beater was used for to get it flushed down the toilet. Seriously afraid.
Everyone except Snooki, Ron and Sam go to the bar. Mike is talking to a girl who I think doesn't own a brush. She says she's 21 but he doesn't believe her so she shows him her ID. People are getting carded to hook up with The Situation now.

Back home, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi decide to put a bunch of different cheese in Mike's bed. Slices of American cheese, grated Parmesan and cream cheese. I'm still breathing through my mouth.

Sam says "schmear" and Ron says "schmorgasbord". My ears are bleeding. Someone needs to schtrangle or schlap them. Now.

Mike takes the uncombed girl home and they climb into bed of cheese. Snooki worries that they'll get pinkeye from hooking up with the cheese so nearby.

Days later they are out on the porch talking about how dirty and smelly it is out there (there are flies everywhere). If it stinks on the porch which is OUTSIDE with ocean air, imagine what it must smell like inside.

Anyway Mike says "Speaking of smell...I had the chick over the other night. I had to kick her out." He says she smelled like grated cheese. The thing is, I know there was cheese under the sheets but I'm pretty sure the uncombed girl smelled like cheese too.

Mike thinks that you can't get an STD from getting a hummer.  JWoww calls a health clinic to confirm to Mike that you CAN get herpes and she also tells the man answering the phone that they had a girl there that smelled like grated cheese. He tells them she probably had a yeast infection.

I'm going to throw up and I don't think I'm eating cheese for a long time.