Pregnant in Heels (from 5/10)

Tonight Rosie's first client is Cindi. This is her first baby with her husband of 11 years Michael and is terrified of giving birth.

She says she's terrified of needles and is worried mostly about the IV "because in the hospital when you give birth you have to have an IV."  Umm...no you don't. 

Rosie jumps right into the tour of the house. The only thing they've purchased for the baby is a lamp. The "baby's room" is basically the guest room with a big bed, cords everywhere and an exercise bike.

Mommy IQ test time. Well..."Mummy IQ" test since Rosie is British.  Cindi doesn't know why one would swaddle a baby.  Cripes...does anyone do any kind of research anymore? She also thinks that when you wipe the baby girl you go from back to front. Yes, that's right. Smear poop into her vagina. Good choice.

Cindi is so terrified of needles and birth that she actually thought she would adopt instead of having a child of her own. I always thought I was terrified of giving birth and I had moments of panic during my pregnancy but it ended up being the most amazing experience of my life.

She doesn't want to breastfeed so Rosie is taking her to a breastfeeding class in order to change her mind.  Cindi is mortified by the women breastfeeding right in the room with her. Another woman pumps right there in front of her and then plops her boob right back in her shirt. Like it actually plops.  I only wish I had video of it plopping back into her shirt. "PLOP!"

Now Cindi is off to a birthing class. Seeing a doll come out of a knitted uterus and a plastic pelvic bone is still freaking her out. She's starting to feel like she's going to faint.

She is terrified of needles but obviously plans to get an epidural...and that's when she'll need the IV.

Next Cindi is meeting with a doula.  The doula is trying to help her learn to relax and Cindi just wants none of it because it feels weird. She really needs to learn how to relax. She's annoying.

Now her doctor has arrived and is going to take blood. Of course every time the doula tells her to breathe in through her nose and breathe out, I'm doing the same thing. Since I'm drinking beer, now I need to pee. Does that even make sense? Why should breathing in and out deeply make me have to pee? My bladder relaxed?

Anyway...moving on. Cindi admits that the breathing helped her during the blood draw.

Suddenly we jump forward to after Cindi has the baby. She's alive despite having to get an IV. Also, she's breastfeeding!




The second client is Nicole who works at the Central Park Zoo. She wants to surprise her husband with something and we know from the previews that it is a topless painting of her while riding on a horse. Awkward! Plus, of all the pregnant women so far on this show she might be the one I would least like to see topless.  Not that I want to see any of them topless but you know what I mean.

She also wants the big reveal of the picture to be around her husband and friends. Oh my. I would kill one of my friends if they did that to me.

Nicole is also scared of becoming a mother. Her own mother died when she was 10 so she's never really had a female to look up to or talk to about motherhood.  She also fears that she will get sick or something will happen where she'll die and leave her son without a mother. Now I feel bad making fun of her.

Well...no...I still don't want to see her boobies. I know we won't because this isn't Skinemax but again, you know what I mean.

Later on, Nicole is in the hospital and she calls Rosie to come to her. She has pre-eclampsia so she's going to have to deliver early by 5 weeks. I guess her naked pregnant painting is out of the question now. It will be a post-natal photo.

The baby, Griffin, is so cute and small and thankfully he's healthy.

It is time for the paining. LT, Rosie and someone else are heading out onto a farm or something and LT is wearing leather pants and a leather tube top thingy as if he has boobs.

The "someone else" is the painter.

Ummmm...I officially hate Nicole because just weeks after giving birth her stomach is as flat as Cameron Diaz's ass. 

AAAHHHH Griffin is so tiny, he looks like the doll that the woman used to push through the knitted uterus and plastic pelvis. But much cuter of course.

Oh and I forgot to say that LT also has one of those shirts that are basically just sleeves? Yeah.

I don't know why anyone would want to be topless on a horse. I mean, my boobs aren't huge but when I go running they hurt a little when they bounce even WITH a supportive bra. Imagine galloping on a horse topless? So she's not galloping, she's posing. But just imagine for the hell of it. Ouch.

Fast forward to the reveal of the painting. 

This is the husband:

The painting looks a little bit like a cartoon so her head looks large.  The husband ends up loving it because he knows that his wife is a bit critical of herself and now she's embracing who she is. Aww...still a weird painting.

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 5/11)

How is it that I'm just noticing for the first time Rob's ugly moustache??

He's talking with Natalie about how Ashley thinks that she and Natalie are an alliance together. Natalie says she is probably going to stick with Rob. After hearing Ashley say how exciting it was to see Andrea get blindsided I don't blame Natalie.  Rob tells Natalie that he thinks Ashley's sneaky.  Pot meet kettle.


Andrea shows up on Raw Sewage Island to join Jesus, Ralph and Mike. She argues with Jesus a little bit and the guys make her sleep on the ground next to their little cot. Ha!

Time for the duel. A little maze and then a puzzle. Ralph gets to his puzzle first. Andrea looks like she's having a mini siezure and Jesus is walking through the motions as if he just smoked a joint in the woods before the duel. Mike finishes his puzzle first, Jesus and then Andrea.  Ralph is going home.

Jeff points out to them right at the end of the challenge that the loser of this duel will be on the jury and "that blows".


Back at camp Rob and Grant discuss getting rid of Ashley at the next immunity challenge...it makes it sound like he's going to trip her or set a boobie trap at the challenge. He obviously meant to say "at the next tribal council."

Food is low and Ashley wants to conserve it so they have enough until the end...as if she'll be there. She's not taking into account that someone leaves every day or so. Crazy Phillip points out that Grant needs to eat more because he's big and strong.  Basically the girls don't need to eat as much because they are girls. Sorry to tell you Phil...but you're pretty much a girl too, Tighty-Pinkies.

He says that the girls only need 1700 calories a day and someone like Grant needs 3600. The reason he knows this is because he's a well-read person.

Phillip starts yelling and flipping out on the girls, calling them princesses and they should go and do a little pageant...go on Miss USA. Weirdo!

Rob meets up with Natalie in the woods to talk about it. Two little monkeys are snooping on them from the tree.  I wonder if Special Secret Agent Phillip trained them to spy. Now THAT would be cool.

Ashley tells Rob that they should get rid of Grant next and Rob tells Grant about it. He calls her a snake...since he was JUST talking about getting rid of Ashley, pot meet kettle.

Immunity challenge time. The winner also gets a three course meal delivered to them at the camp. They have to do this challenge with one arm tied behind their back.

Jeff announces that Natalie is inexplicably still working on her first section of the puzzle. He's just not holding back in this episode. I'm waiting for him to yell "You suck!" He ends up telling Natalie that she might as well sit down and watch.

Holy shit, Ashley won immunity. I should have known because it seemed like they were talking about voting her out way too much in the first half of the episode. Ashley picks Natalie to eat the meal with her.

The food reward arrives and Ashley and Natalie stuff their faces. I imagine there will be a lot of painful pooping in the woods in their near future.  They end their afternoon with Ashley smelling Natalie's armpit.

Rob tells Ashley, Natalie and Phillip that they are voting Grant out and he tells Grant that they are voting Natalie out.

Grant is the one voted to Raw Sewage Island. The two-hour season finale is on Sunday!

Pregnant in Heels (from 5/3)

Melissa is a former model and needs Rosie's help for throwing herself a big baby shower. No one should throw themselves a shower. Ever. Especially someone who has a house like this:

Her husband shows us a picture of them at their wedding when Melissa was 105 lbs and said "We need to get her back to looking and feeling that way."  Someone hit him, please.

Melissa tells her giant staff that because of the prenatal yoga, the baby's head is down. Yeah, that's not from yoga...it is something that normally naturally happens.

Rosie arrives at the house and doesn't even say hi to anyone except Melissa and asks to see the house. It was a little weird. Anyway, they go to the baby's room and he is going to have two closets. The first closet has clothes that will fit him from 0-6 months. Rosie says that she could change the baby's clothes every 4 hours and never wear the same thing twice. He has four pairs of sunglasses.

She does NOT need a baby shower.

Rosie is now introduced to all of the staff...a house manager, a baby nurse, a prenatal educator, personal traier/nutrionist and a doula.  What the fuck does she need Rosie for??

Ok she said that she's not having a baby shower it is a charity event. Thank goodness. Melissa has an event planner as well and she needs Rosie because she's well known. I'm not even pregnant and I feel like throwing up.

For the charity event they are having a pregnancy fashion show and they are doing it at their giant house.

The runway isn't done yet and Rosie is flipping out. Melissa is freaking out because she looks enormous in her red silky dress. Why didn't she try this on beforehand?? Luckily Rosie has a black one that looks much better but Melissa feels like she is going to a funeral in it.

Rosie goes downstairs to make sure things are going well and waits at the bottom of the stairs with everyone for Melissa's grand entrance.  Melissa comes down the stairs in a different dress - it is not a "Rosie Pope" design...according to Rosie it is a "Jersey Mumu". She's pissed. I kind of don't really blame her - she donated a bunch of her designs for the fashion show and here the hostess isn't wearing her design.

However...I don't feel bad for Ms. Snobby Pope (you'll see why in the second half of this recap).

Holy nipples!

When Rosie goes to visit Melissa after she had the baby I get that twinge of newborn baby envy...but that doesn't last long.




Lisa is Rosie's assistant's sister's friend. Got that? She's not a millionaire client like Melissa but she needs help.

All of us regular people have babies and get our houses ready on our own...I just can't see paying Rosie to help.

Lisa is a musician and she sings in an all girl rock band. Unfortunately Lisa sings a lyric from a song and it doesn't sound good. People just shouldn't break out into song unless they are Celine Dion or something.

Ok Lisa really does need help because her and her husband's place is decorated with weapons basically.  The husband is pissed off because his He-Man sword collection is being disrespected. They also have records hanging on the wall with push pins. Might as well pour rat poison all over the floor and instead of a mattress in the crib, fill it with peanuts and sugar.

They have absolutely nothing for the baby. Lisa is 31 weeks along. I'm annoyed at them too but Rosie turns into a bitchy snob and says "Everywhere I look there's hazards, there's like knives on the wall, knives down here I can pick up and stab myself with. You have to think of what a baby needs first and this place is not ready for a baby. You guys need to grow up."

Ok Rosie - maybe you should use proper grammar and say "there are hazards...there are knives" not "there is."

They begin cleaning immediately. The guitar on the wall has a sticker that says "Fuck you, you fuckin fuck" and Rosie wants to take it down. The husband thinks that because the baby can't read yet, it's ok.

Lisa doesn't realize that a giant shelf of CDs could fall down on the baby. Seriously? Ok - maybe not everyone can do this on their own. I am scared at the lack of common sense in this world. I'm a little bit scared for this baby.

The husband thinks that Rosie is trying to take away their identity. Holy shit you fucking idiot. You can't have swords and rickety shelves around when a baby is coming.

Rosie and her team go into Lisa and Steve's apartment while they are out and they redecorate and babyproof. I'm scared of Steve's reaction because the "nursery" is their bedroom and Rosie has painted it for a baby.

I'm just going to start calling Rosie Snobby Pope because she keeps pointing out how these two are not her typical clients (aka poor) and she's not used to working with such a small space (aka shitty apartments).

They like the living room and they seem to genuinely like the bedroom as well. I didn't notice that the mural on the wall had one of the little bunnies was playing a guitar. However, I swear Lisa just called it a pony. I'm not rewinding it to find out.

The Real Housewives of OC (from 5/9)

Tamra is out with Lynne. She confronts Tamra about the kiss with Fernanda and Lynne asks if they are an item. Where has she been that she doesn't know about Ugly Eddie?

Tamra explains that the night they kissed she was so incredibly drunk that she could barely walk.  She’s in her fucking 40’s and she’s still getting fall-down drunk and having lesbian experiences. Ugh. I want to push her off the chair she’s sitting on and kick her ass.  I'm not sure why I had to say push her off the chair first because that would be implied if I was kicking her ass. I think I just like to picture someone (me) pushing her off her chair onto the floor.

Peggy and her boobs go over to Alexis’ house to drink and discuss the drama from the dinner party. I think it must be in the Real Housewives’ contract that they must meet up to discuss previous events over drinks and/or food at least once an episode.

Alexis tells Peggy the truth about why Jim wasn’t at the party – he just didn’t want to hang out with that crowd. Alexis tells the camera that lying isn’t right but that her god will forgive her because that’s what he does.  Right…you can do anything bad you want and ask for forgiveness or confess your sins and you’ll be ALL SET! Convenient.

I guess one of the issues was Micah and Jim discussing Lamborghinis. Oh the problems rich people have!

Vicki is making dinner and when Donn asks if he can help, she completely ignores him and just sighs a few times. She seriously hates him.  Awkward!

Gretchen is going to Texas to be on a TV show to show her makeup and handbags. Is QVC in Texas?

Slade is trying to figure out how they will be getting all the items to Texas. He doesn’t want to spend extra money to bring all the stuff so he thinks maybe Alexis can put some of the makeup in her bag.  (Alexis, Peggy and Fernanda are also going to Texas). Classy.

Slade's mom Liz comes to visit and actually says that Gretchen needs to work harder to pay all of Slade's bills (back child support). HA! When Gretchen goes to the store Slade and his mom talk about his income and he tries to say that he's getting income somewhere other than from marketing Gretchen.

Maybe someone is paying him to use greasy oil in his hair, otherwise why would he look like that?

Liz then thinks that maybe Gretchen's father retires he will give Slade his business. HA HA! Liz is funny.

Ok, Gretchen is in Texas to do the "San Antonio Living" show. Gretchen is really hoping she can have the success that Bethenny had with her "brand". Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

Peggy, her boobs, Tamra and Vicki are going on a wine tasting crawl. Peggy tells the girls about the reason behind Jim not attending the dinner party. They seem shocked that someone doesn't want to hang out with them.

Tamra is wearing white jeans, a furry vest and screams "woo hoo" when they walk into the winery. You're TOO OLD TAMRA!!!

Peggy and her boobs says "I would like to cheer..." Unless she has pom-poms under the table, I think she means "toast".

The "ladies" ask the guy at the winery to guess their tastes. Somehow this prompts Tamra to say "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere." I hate her.

At the second place, the guy pouring the wine gives them white first and then asks if they are ready to go to the dark side (red).  Tamra says "I went to the dark side a long time ago, baby."  I vomited.

Vicki is horrified because she assumes Tamra is making a sexual reference about Eddie being Latino. She says that the guy (wine guy) is obviously Mexican and he interuppts and says he's Puerto Rican. I'm so embarrassed for everyone involved.



Tamra is having dinner with Fernanda to look at their naked photo shoot pictures. Tamra confronts her about telling Lynne about their kiss. I'm again distracted at how awful Tamra looks. I think maybe Simon used to pay for her plastic surgery and now she doesn't have enough money for upkeep.

She looks especially bad next to Fernanda who looks about 20 years younger than her right now.

Alexis is at her photo shoot for her dress line at a hotel. She wants a photo of her on every single label. Her assistant guy (bowtie boy) does her makeup. We see her without eyeliner and eyeshadow and she looks SO MUCH YOUNGER!

Alexis tells us "I'm impressed with myself!" Oh my.

Jim shows up wearing a butt ugly shirt. He starts telling Alexis exactly how to stand for the photos. He looks like an old pervert.

Alexis (in interview) tells us how the bible says the man's role is to be the decision maker (vomit) but that this is "my baby". If she calls her dress line her "baby" one more time I'm going to send my vomit to her in an envelope.

16 & Pregnant: Danielle (from 5/10): Zzzzzzz

Danielle had big ambitions when she was younger – she wanted to be a lawyer. Then she started hanging out with a group of girls who stick out their tongues for photos all the time.

She started skipping school and failing classes. Danielle’s grandmother figured she could help straighten Danielle out by having her live with her. That is where Danielle met her super-non-loser boyfriend who works at a fast food restaurant and has lost his license.

Grandma failed because Danielle got knocked up staying there. So, she’s back with her mom.

For some reason when I look at Danielle and her boyfriend (Jamie) I think they smell like shit. However, I just realized that our dog farted in the other room and it has made its way to the living room.  But, these two are now going to remind me of shit. Great, the whole episode is going to make me gag.

I think having some sort of ugly facial piercing is a requirement to get on this show.

Danielle explains to her friends that they were not using any protection. Well…she says what the hick teen moms say “We didn’t have no protection or nothing.”

We find out how Danielle’s mom had her when she was 16 so I don’t know why her mom thought it was such a good idea to send her to her grandmother’s house since she got pregnant under her roof too.

I’m distracted by the giant wall length couch and the fake wood paneling on the walls.

Danielle goes to a fair or something with her friend Sierra. Sierra has ugly sunglasses and a mini-backpack. She just keeps saying “That’s weird.” and “That’s just weird.”

Danielle and her mom (Casey) go shopping at a store that has their baby carriages displayed in a giant pile on the sidewalk.

She mentions to Casey that she wants to move out on her own with Jamie and asks how much she’ll need monthly to live. She says Jamie makes $300 in his paycheck and her mom assumes she means every week…but of course, that’s every two weeks. She’s shocked. Did she really think he made that much working at a fast food restaurant?

Casey says the word “financially” like “financually”.

Later Danielle and Jamie talk about finances and they obviously aren’t mature or smart enough to figure this out.

The plan for now is to live with Casey for a week and a half after the baby is born and then move to Jamie’s dad’s house. Casey wants Danielle to stay at home until she’s 18.

One day later on, Danielle’s friends stop by and one of them has a shirt that says “Jesus is my BFF!” She better hope Alexis from the Real Housewives of Orange County doesn’t see that…she’ll scratch her eyes right out. Jesus is hers.

She’s having contractions so she’s heading to the hospital. Jamie starts playing around with some clippers on the counter and then gets grossed out that there is hair on it. What did he think they were for?  In an OBGYN’s office hair clippers can only be for one area.

Danielle and Casey are both texting on their phones. This is when I realize that I’m probably older than Casey. She had Danielle at 16 and Danielle is now 16…so that makes her 32. Yeah, I’ll be 33 in July. So had I gotten knocked up at 16 I could be a grandmother right now.

Of course, the doctor says that she wants to induce her because no one knows any better than to say no. They start pitocin.  Hours later she’s in pain and decides she wants “that crap”.   That crap = epidural.

Alarms start sounding because the baby has stopped breathing.  They don’t show any of it on TV but they used the vacuum thing to suck the baby out. Luckily, he’s fine.

After they take the baby home we find out that Jamie has missed a few shifts at work. When he goes to talk to his boss they’ve suspended him and told him that when he comes back to work he can only have about 10 hours a week.  Why didn’t he call his boss to tell him his son was being born?

He says he doesn’t even want to go back because they have a grudge against him now.  How grown up?

The couple follows through with their plan and they move to Jamie’s dad’s house. Jamie gets a construction job with his father.

Casey stops by to give Danielle her grades – she has two F’s.  She’s realizing that because Jamie can’t help her when he gets home from work that she will be unable to keep up with her school work.  

Jamie’s father complains to Jamie and Danielle that no one is cleaning. Blah blah blah.

Danielle wants to put the baby (Jamie Jr.) in day care so that she can do homework. Jamie is completely against it even though he won’t help her take care of the baby so she can study.

She decides that moving to her mother’s house will be the best because she will have a lot of help.  As long as Casey isn’t drawing on her eyebrows, she will have lots of time to help out with the baby.

This episode was reminiscent of last season – BORING.

The Real Housewives of NYC from 5/5: Stop Saying Pinot Grigio

Ding dong, Jill is back from Australia. Oh how I have not missed her.

She’s joining Sonja, Kelly and LuMann for lunch to catch up. Jill hands the ladies a gift she bought them in Australia. Or maybe at the airport. Or in a junk store on the way to lunch. They are stupid little koala clips and she thinks they are going to put them on their purse.

She says she’s had a lot of time to think and that she’s done with the gossiping. Sure. And I’m done making fun of reality TV. She didn’t last 5 minutes of no gossip, they are already talking about Cindy/Ramona and Kelly/Ramona/drunk text.


Over in Brooklyn, Alex and Simon come home with their two sons and there is piano music coming from inside the apartment. I guess it is one of the boys’ birthday and Alex and Simon have surprised the boys with a strange man playing the piano in the house. Francois even says “Who is that guy?”

Weird.

Ok well apparently the piano is the gift, the guy playing it was just an extra surprise to scare the boys because some strange man was in their apartment. Francois couldn’t care less about this piano but Alex thinks he’s going to be a great pianist.

Kelly asks Sonja to come with her to confront Ramona at a restaurant. Ramona shows up wearing a pleated leather skirt. No one should ever wear that. Ever.

Kelly mentions for the 800th time that she has tons of acquaintances and she’s not interested in anymore acquaintances. She doesn’t want to fight with Ramona anymore.

BORING.



Sonja’s place. She has Cindy over and Cindy is wearing a white long sleeved shirt, brown shorts, gray thigh high socks and black knee high boots. WTF?

Apparently Sonja’s “butler” is a Latin dancer so Cindy starts dancing with her and Sonja seems mortified.

Sonja is confronting Cindy about her telling Kelly about her evil plan about getting Ramona and Kelly in the same place. Cindy denies that she ever mentioned to Kelly that Ramona was invited to the cooking party. Bravo is the best when they throw in the clip to prove that she is in fact lying. She DID tell Kelly that Ramona was going to the cooking party.

Sonja then tells Cindy that Ramona mentioned to her that she got all the way to her party in Quogue and she didn’t have Pinot Grigio for her. Holy shit Ramona…self absorbed much?? But for some reason Sonja is trying to convince Cindy that Ramona is a “star”. I’m so confused. Ramona's a star? In what universe?  There is some sort of pecking order in the group of friends and Ramona is on top.


Ramona has apparently turned her jewelry business into like a Tuppware/Pampered Chef/Mary Kay type thing. She’s having a party at her house to show some new jewelry.

LuMann tells the camera that Ramona’s jewelry is very nice, it’s just not for her. As she’s wearing a GIGANTIC gold butterfly around her neck. At least it isn’t a moccasin or a teepee on a chain but damn…can you really make fun of someone’s jewelry when you’re wearing something like that?

Now Ramona is talking to LuMann about Cindy not having Pinot Grigio at her party for her.



Kelly and Cindy are taking a walk and they run into Jill walking her dog. Strike two Jill…gossiping again. But I’m bored. Please let something happen.



Oh, it’s the Toaster Oven Party. And Sonja’s toaster oven is from 1984. She claims to have cooked for royalty out of this toaster oven. I guess they like Stouffer’s French bread pizza?

It involves tinfoil. LuMann is shitting her pants. She’s not used to this kind of ghetto service.

And this isn’t a party – it is Sonja, Kelly and LuMann. What a disappointment.


Jill wants to make amends with Alex so she goes to her place in Brooklyn. Alex is wearing a shitload of makeup. She must’ve applied it herself though because she doesn’t say “I just came from a shoot.”

Alex brings up Bethenny and says that she was starting to see Jill treat her like she did Bethenny. She tried to ruin Simon’s business by saying he drank too much. Alex says that Jill called her kids animals. Jill denies it. No flashback by Bravo. Boo.


Cindy and Ramona are meeting for lunch – all these women do is eat, drink and gossip. Ramona’s wearing sunglasses inside like she’s going incognito or something. Oh wait, she's a "star".

Ramona orders….drumroll….Pinot Grigio. Cindy orders a martini – she needs vodka to deal with Ramona.

Holy shit they are actually talking about Cindy’s party and how she didn’t have Pinot there for her. She was disappointed in Cindy’s party because she had time with her husband, away from her daughter and she wanted to do adult things – not attend a “kiddy” party like Cindy’s was. I guess if there is no Pinot, it’s a child’s party. Ramona is so full of herself this season.


What a boring fucking episode!!