The Real Housewives of OC (from 4/17)

Vicki goes to Tamra's new house for a visit. She tells Tamra how cute it is while she's staring at the floor. They exchange religious gifts - Vicki gives Tamra a cross in a frame and Tamra gives Vicki some rosary beads from Spain. Vicki loves them and will keep them in her car. Maybe hang them from her rear view mirror along with a graduation tassel?

While Tamra was out of town, Simon stalked Peggy to ask about where she was. She told him and Simon supposedly started texting Tamra like a psycho and then went to Tamra's house while she was gone and hung out there with Tamra's mom and their children.

Vicki is going to her 30 year high school reunion and Donn is not going, of course. I mean, why would he...it isn't like they're married or anything. Oh wait, they are.

Tamra shares some text messages that she had with Alexis and she uses the "R" word. Seriously Tamra? Can someone PLEASE shove that bedazzled phone up her ass?  Then she tries to cover it up by saying it with the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble. <---about 1:39. (Apparently that's how it was said in the movie The Hangover which I was bored to death with and it doesn't matter - you still don't use the R word...and you're 40-something...stop quoting stupid "bromance" movies).

They gossip about Alexis' house maybe being in foreclosure or short sale.


Slade Slimey is looking particularly greasy today.

Gretchen and her ex-husband share custody of their two dogs and Gretchen thinks when they come back from his house the dogs are fat 'tards. Seriously? What is WRONG with people in the OC?

She also thinks that Slade is fat. He's 6'2" and weighs 211. Gretchen thinks he's fat/overweight and should be 190 lbs. She's a moron. I hate Slade but what a double standard. Can you imagine if he said that to her?  Someone needs to shove that Gretchen Christine makeup up her ass.


Vicki and Donn go to a spa to spend time together. Vicki is annoyed with him right away. She tells the camera how she has trouble finding the time to spend with him because she works all the time.  I'm not sure why she thinks they will spend time together at the spa because they go get massages in separate rooms.


Peggy, her new boobs and her husband go out to dinner with Gretchen and Slimey. They talk about having children and it is awkward because apparently Slade has gotten some bad press about being a deadbeat dad. I didn't even remember that he WAS a dad so yeah...sounds about right.

Peggy wants to try Gretchen's lip glosses. She says her husband Micah is very allergic to some lip glosses so she has to do a "muscle test" on him.  They claim that if he clutches the tube of lip gloss in one hand and she can pull his fingers out from a tight fist, that means he's allergic. What? Wait....what??

Micah is trying to show them that it works by grabbing onto things like tabasco and other bottles. Gretchen and Slade both ask how they can tell through the plastic (or glass) which is exactly what the rest of us are thinking...right?

I love how Gretchen and Slade both take a sip of their drinks at the same time...like "these two are nuts."

Peggy has a "daytime engagement/wedding ring" and we find out Alexis has a "workout engagement/wedding ring". WTF?


Gretchen brings her dogs into the vet because they are overweight. She only feeds them 1/4 cup of dry food twice a day. I feel like she's starving them but the vet says they are obese! She wants a doctor's note to give her ex that says they are fat. Gretchen basically lets one of the dogs fall off the table but blames Slade. She hates him as much as I do I think.


Peggy, her boobs and Tamra are out to eat/drink. Peggy assumes she's going to be good friend with Tamra because she's a virgo.

They gossip about Gretchen and Alexis. Tamra basically says that the adult thing to do about hers and Gretchen's situation is to move on...which is why she brought mace to Alexis' party? As a joke to help them move on? Idiot.

Tamra thinks it is so wonderful that her gay boyfriend is younger than her.


Holy shit Vicki and Donn are out to eat together. I can't believe they are near each other more than one time during this episode.  Vicki seems embarrassed that Donn ordered white wine even though he's going to eat meat because apparently you're supposed to drink red wine with meat.  She's also embarrassed that he's reading the menu. When you live in the OC I guess you need to know the menus by heart.

Also, you're meal consists of just a small piece of meat and nothing else. I bet this was like $60.

Vicki doesn't know how old her husband is. She says "you're almost 60, right?" He says he is 57. They talk about when each of them want to retire. Vicki wants to sell insurance until she's 105. She thinks that work is her hobby and that she wouldn't change a thing in her life. She's basically telling Donn that she wants a divorce. I like Donn - I don't know how he stayed with Vicki for so long.


Holy old-lady-Barbie-dropped-in-a-pool. I just saw a commercial for Watch What Happens Live and what the fuck is going on with Tamra's legs? Did Andy just spill champagne down them? Did Ugly Eddie just lick them? Are her boobs bigger? Why is she wearing a purple napkin as a dress? Way too many questions that I will not get answered because I did not DVR Watch What Happens Live. Hopefully I will find a repeat.

No one shoved anything up Gretchen's ass because she's out in a field with the two dogs and Slade, calling them all fat. Again, as much as I hate Slade he is not fat. Gretchen is really annoying and she keeps calling him Tubba Wubba.

He finally tells her that he doesn't want her to call him Tubba Wubba anymore. I'm more annoyed with the actual words Tubba Wubba than I am with her calling him fat. No I'm not...but I think those words are totally annoying. She thinks she's being cute.

She says she won't say it publicly anymore and asks if he's upset because he knows she's right. I hope the tree branch falls on her head.

He is going to run home and meet her there instead of riding in the car with her. She is now turning this on him and making him feel bad for making her feel like a jerk. Bitch.


Tamra goes over to Alexis' house to resolve their issues while wearing a romper. She's too fucking old.

Alexis gives her a tour of the house and we see that there is a scary framed picture of a topless Jim. Gross. But hilarious.

Tamra asks Alexis if the rumors were true (about her being in foreclosure) and Alexis says that they are doing a loan modification. Tamra (who is supposedly in real estate) says that loan modification is the new word (um...words!!) for "foreclosure in Orange County". She's a fucking moron.

Tamra still thinks that the mace thing is a funny joke. She really needs to go to a comedy show to find out what humor is. They start arguing about it. Tamra thinks Alexis doesn't have a sense of humor. I'm pretty sure none of them do, actually. Maybe Donn.

I like Alexis' lipstick but it probably costs about $250 for one tube. I wonder if she clutched it in the store and had Peggy to pry open her fist.

Next week Jeana and Lynn are back! However, this time Jeana is the one who looks stoned.