The Real Housewives of OC: Everyone's An Asshole (from 5/1)

Peggy and Micah are preparing for their "exclusive" dinner party. They are having a five course meal with wine pairings...whatever that means.


Gretchen is getting her hair done for the occasion and I guess her hair dresser knows all about everyone. He asks if Tamra will be there with Ugly Eddie. Well...he didn't say "ugly"...but he would if he'd seen him.

Gretchen (in interview) says how she can't imagine someone wanting to date Tamra and why don't they just light themselves on fire instead. I'm going to have to agree with her.

Slade Slimey can't attend the dinner party because he has his sons. Gretchen basically says that she doesn't think she should marry him because if she had a kid with him people would have a lot to say about that. What a great reason not to marry someone!


Tamra and Ugly Eddie are headed to Vicki's before the party and Tamra is blabbing on and on trying to prepare him for meeting her. Donn meets them at the door and I think he's already drunk. I love Donn, though. I don't know WHY he was with Vicki.

Vicki comes in the room and it is very uncomfortable but I'm sure it is the editing. Suddenly Ugly Eddie breaks into his Big Ugly Smile and I'm a little nauseated and embarrassed.

They begin gossiping about Slade and his child support issues. I really hate Tamra. Slade is gross but I would hang out with him before Tamra any day!

In the limo Tamra and Vicki move to gossiping about Alexis and her financial troubles. They say that no one knows what Alexis' husband Jim does for work - you mean, he's not a model?

Why does it look like there are mini marshmallows in the wine???

Alexis shows up without Jim and Peggy seems to be quite offended by this. We don't really know where Jim is, maybe he just decided not to come? Alexis runs off to either text or call him.

There are WAY too many blonde people here, my eyes hurt. Maybe it is the bitchy words coming out of their mouths that is making my head hurt. Or a combination.  After watching these shows I am really grateful for my life the way it is.

Peggy has a microphone at her dinner party and she introduces a friend of hers who is going to sing.

Ugly Eddie and Tamra start dancing and making out like 3 inches from the singing woman. How awkward and SO gross because Eddie keeps turning his head back and forth as if they are having sex in a movie. He's rubbing her back and I'm ready to throw up.

Gretchen's friend is joking that Eddie is an escort and she found him at 999-SALSA.  Tamara overhears it and tells Eddie. For a second I like him because he says "who cares"? Maybe he's going to see what the rest of us see and that she acts like a really bitchy 15 year old girl.

Donn asks Gretchen where her other half is and she answers that he's with his boys. Donn starts laughing and it is very Vicki-like.

Poop. The only person I liked on the show just made a dick move.  Then a little while later he whispers to Vicki that Gretchen looks like the lady from the Munsters. Because she has dark lipstick on? Then Vicki and Tamra cackle and laugh like children.

What a bunch of hateful, awful people? Why do I watch this shit? My head is pounding. Peggy is pissed.

Alexis starts looking at her phone because she misses Jim. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom because I think she's going to cry. She is either texting or calling Jim. Gretchen goes to check on her.

The boy with the bowtie that Alexis came with (?) mentions that she was upset that he had to work. Vicki of all people exclaims "He's working on a SATURDAY NIGHT?" Is she fucking kidding? Vicki...who works all the time and makes fun of people for not working all the time is questioning someone working on a weekend.

Kill me now.

Micah makes a joke about the bowtie boy and Tamra suddenly becomes a clapping seal. 

Alexis is crying in the bathroom because she just doesn't know what to do without Jim around. Tamra wants to start trouble and eavesdrop so she asks Vicki to come to the bathroom with her.  She's got her ear up against the door and I'm so disgusted.

Head...pounding...

Peggy gets up to search for the women and she catches Tamra with her ear against the door and sort of shoos her off. 

Alexis tells us (in interview) that she had to lie because Jim just didn't want to be around those group of people. Wow, I never thought I would think Jim had a good idea.

Peggy tells Alexis that she either needs to compose herself or leave. What a lovely host and awesome friend!

OH NO! Tamra just said "Slade Slimey". I'm not going to use it anymore. Please tell me that I'm much funnier than Tamra. Tamra isn't funny at all so please, please let me not be even close to her.

Vicki talks about how she wanted to have kids with Donn but he didn't. He says it was because she is so full of herself. HA! For a minute I'm going to like Donn again. He calls Vicki a bitch! Woo hoo!

It seems like hours later and Alexis is still not outside. Bowtie boy says he's going to "powder her up" and Vicki has a ball making fun of that. She and Tamra are loud and obnoxious. Nothing new.

Alexis comes out and apologizes for being emotional while Tamra and Vicki make fun of her with their eyes.

Peggy and Alexis discuss their issue. Peggy questions why they haven't had any play dates and Alexis says "Between her husband, her kids and working out...she has like two minutes for friends." WOW.

The woman starts singing again and I'm afraid that Eddie and Tamra are going to have sex with their eyes again. Alexis and Gretchen are suddenly drunk 18 year olds on the "dance floor".

Donn, Vicki, Tamra and Eddie leave and they bitch and gossip in the limo.  All of the sudden Vicki is tired and has a headache - she basically hates her husband.

I hate them all.