The Real Housewives of NYC (from 4/21)

LuMann and Kelly go get manicures/pedicures together and the Countess is wearing a hideous vest and awful necklace.

Kelly is laughing WAY too much - there is no way that LuMann is that funny. Maybe she's laughing at her furry vest. No that can't be because Kelly dresses terribly as well.

Kelly wants a boyfriend/husband. Someone may have to be quite sedated to be interested. We'll see.


Alex and Sonja go out to lunch to discuss their issues they had last week. Sonja has a giant winter hat on. Am I that out of touch that this stuff looks good and I think it just looks crazy?

It seems like everyone on the Real Housewives go out to eat with their enemies and people with whom they have just had a big argument. Anyway, Alex keeps talking, talking, talking and Sonja is just eating in her giant hat. Alex is getting hives and Sonja is chewing.

Sonja says she was afraid that Simon was going to pop up from behind Alex at her art show. You can see Alex imagining a knife going into Sonja's chest.


Cindy and Kelly go out to eat and Cindy is all upset when she walks in. She's shaking. She had to fire one of the nannies. Oh my goodness. Come to find out - she didn't even do it, she had her brother fire her. I think Cindy's lacking on the storylines. She isn't crazy enough.

Kelly is having a hard time typing out an email on her phone to Ramona that she can't attend some event. Then they watch each other bite into lettuce. This is the most boring dinner in NYC.

Ramona and Sonja go to David Meister's place - he is a designer who Ramona will be modeling in a runway show. We are reminded about her scary eyes from the last show.

Ramona tells Sonja about Kelly's well thought out email and tells us that her response was "Kelly, if you can't support me, don't expect me to support you." Ugh.


LuMann is out with her boyfriend Jacques about this "Wine Connection" event for singles. I guess it is like speed dating but at each table they try a different wine. I imagine this ending in some vomit.

Sonja, Kelly and Cindy are the singles who attend.  Kelly doesn't drink wine so she's hunched over asking her first "date" why they swirl the wine around.  Sonja is talking about how much makeup she wears (or doesn't wear) as her "date" stares at her cleavage. The best thing about Sonja is that she acknowledges his gaze instead of ignoring it or getting angry.  Cindy's first "date" is 23 years old and he agrees with her that she could've given birth to him. 

When the 23 year old has Kelly as a date he tells her that he attends Juilliard and she assumes he's a dancer. No...he's an actor, he tells her.  She then asks what instrument he plays. He says that he's an actor. She then tells him a scenario to act out - tell her that he has cancer and to ask her to marry him. It is quite awkward.

Cindy is with the boob man now and asking if he likes kids. But I'm pretty sure he is one.


Although I see no bikes around, Alex's son is wearing a bike helmet as he walks around. Talk about overprotective.

It's Alex's birthday party on Governor's Island and everyone is freezing.  After Simon toasts Alex, their son jumps up and knocks her champagne glass right onto his head.

Alex thinks it is the most wonderful birthday party ever...but it looks boring and cold.


It is time for the fashion show and Ramona is practicing so as to not bug her eyes out on the runway again. Backstage no one knows when Ramona is supposed to go out. When she does, her eyes weren't as big as last year but she still looks like a weirdo.


LuMann and Sonja go to Cindy's spa and they close it down just for them. Kelly comes late of course. LuMann is apalled to be talking about hair removal. I think she's worried that they are going to find her penis.


Alex is at a photo shoot. This is what she looks like pre-makeup/hair. I think Kelly is right - being a model doesn't necessarily mean that you're pretty. 

She's quite scary even after the makeup.


There's another event. All these people do is have events and go to lunch. This one is about women in business and Ramona was asked to be a guest speaker.

I think my favorite NYC Housewife is Sonja. How cute is she?

Oh no...Alex shows up and she kept her hair and makeup from the photo shoot. What is she doing? I'm so embarrassed. I think she just did this so that she could say "I literally just came from a shoot."  She is in the biz now so she can call it a "shoot" and not a photo shoot.

There are about 8,000 glasses at the table. I think someone is going to play music with them.

During Ramona's speech, Sonja just keeps talking and nodding. I think all of those glasses may be hers.

Next week Kelly falls off a horse. I can't wait!!!

COMING SOON

Sorry - I've had a lot going on this week so I'm a little behind.

Upcoming recaps: They will be done in this order


The Real Housewives of New York City from 4/21

The Bad Girls Club from 4/18

The Real Housewives of OC from 4/24

Mob Wives from 4/24

Bethenny Ever After from 4/25

The Bad Girls Club from 4/25

16 & Pregnant from 4/26

Pregnant in Heels from 4/26

Survivor: Redemption Island from 4/27

The Real Housewives of NYC from 4/28

Survivor: Redemption Island: Crazy Does Have a Color: It's Pink (from 4/20)

Matt is praying and telling his god that he wants out of the game but if "Lord" wants him to stay, he will. Yes, I'm sure if there is a higher power he's up there wanting you to play games in the jungle to win a million dollars. That's your life mission. That's what you were born to do.

I really dislike it when people "pray" about winning games, Grammy Awards, Oscars, etc. How about praying for sick people, for peace or for people to stop driving around with their music as loud as it can possibly go.  I mean, those things help everyone.

Back at camp, Phillip is chanting or something. Maybe his mind has really started to turn into mush and he can't get a real word out.

Oh ok, he's meditation and it is Buddhism.

The old Zapatera tribe (Hairy Ralph, Julie and Steve) have a lot of food leftover since most of their tribe members are gone. So they are happily eating up their rice in front of the others.  I now think that Phillip MIGHT be stealing some of their rice because now that they are one tribe, the rice is for all of them. Sure. That would only work if they were voting as one tribe instead of as the old tribes.

Onto the duel at Raw Sewage Island. Matt, Mike, and David are fighting for their lives by building a house of cards (not actual cards, they are like tiles). The first two who reach their deck to 8 feet will stay alive and the last will be out but will be the first jury member.

Mike gets his the tallest first but putting his last set on the top makes the tower lean a bit. He's shaking.

Mike is able to finish, then Matt.  David is going home and will be on the jury.

Matt keeps talking about the lord. Maybe because he's starting to look like pictures of what Jesus may have looked like he's feeling closer to him.  Either that or Kid Rock.

Back at camp Andrea opens the rice and sees that there are maggots in there. You can't tell in this picture but trust me...some of these things were moving. Gross.

They dump the rice out onto a blanket and separate the maggots. They now have nowhere to put their good rice so they ask Steve if they can put their rice into their container. Steve says "I don't think so" and I don't blame him. Why should he? So they can eat some of their rice before the kick them off one by one? Nope. All set.

It is quite unfortunate that Phillip looks naked in this scene.

Thankfully, he lifted up his arm and I saw his tightie-pinkies. I never thought I would be happy to see those things. But I do NOT want to see Phillip naked.

Phillip starts arguing with Steve and saying that they are being unreasonable. The minute their can of rice is left alone, he's going to take it and hide it. Smooth Phillip. You are such a secret agent.

Steve calls Phillip a lunatic, rightfully so. Phillip suddenly says "Anytime someone of my color gets up in your face you call them a lunatic." Oh cheeseandrice.

Now Phillip says that he's the Chief of Counterintelligence. If this is in any way true, we Americans should be afraid...very afraid.

He keeps pointing out his status of being a federal agent and even though only one person is on camera (Steve who does a great salute) I know that ALL of them were rolling their eyes. Even the cameramen.

Phillip is CRAZY...and it isn't because he's black. He's just fucking crazy. I was going to title this recap "Crazy Has No Color" but I had to change it. Crazy Does Have a Color: It's Pink.

Since he's losing weight on the island, his tightie-pinkes are now loose and baggy. Ew. He has also resorted to using the "n" word so now I hate him even more.

Challenge time! The first six who finish the puzzle first move onto a second puzzle. The winner gets immunity.

First six: Rob, Julie, Ralph, Andrea, Steve and Grant.

Second round: Rob wins immunity. He's the puzzle master apparently.

The only shot Steve, Julie and Ralph have is if two of the others join them in voting out Phillip.

Julie hides Phillip's shorts as they are hanging on the clothesline. So now we are all going to be forced to see him in his loosie-pinkies forever.  PLEASE vote him out because I can't watch this.

Phillip is of course going nuts. Threatening people and now wearing his "buff" over his pink bulge.

At tribal council Phillip says that he can tell that Steve was the one who stole his "trunks" and Jeff says "And you could tell...this goes back to your former training."  Phillip says "Absolutely." I laughed out loud. And I will repeat...we as Americans should be very afraid if he really was a former agent.

                                                       

Phillip thinks that when Steve calls him 'crazy' he's really calling him the "n" word. He's losing his mind.

Jeff wonders how he has jumped to that conclusion and in response Phillip says "Do you know what it's like to be a woman?"

Of course Jeff says no.

Phillip "You don't. You don't know what it's like to be an African American."

Jeff: "Ok...Phillip...."

Phillip: "Let me finish! You asked me a question I'm gonna go there. When I worked for the government as a federal agent in the department that I worked in, I was the only one of 67. I can't sum it up in words, but I know it when I see it." 

He then compares it to how a woman knows when a guy makes an inappropriate remark. Ummm...how on earth is knowing that crazy = "n" word and a woman understanding when a guy is a pig the same thing. Not even related, what the hell is he talking about?

Somehow Jeff makes some sense of it all - kind of. Julie admits that she was the one who hid the shorts. Nice super secret agent intelligence Phil.

Votes: Phillip, Phillip, Phillip, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie...Julie is voted out. Ugh. Now we have to see more loosie-pinkie. Great.

Pregnant in Heels (from 4/19)

A very pregnant woman Robyn, walks into Rosie's store and says she's 4 or 5 weeks way from giving birth - but she wants to get married first so she needs Rosie's help with her wedding dress.

She was going to do this "LA Style" which is to her, having the baby before you get married - I'm sure she just insulted a lot of people in LA. Plus, LA is most certainly not the only place that people have babies outside of marriage!  Anyway, Rosie is going to design her dress for her.

At Robyn's apartment she's introducing us to her husband Mark and she needs his help to put a shoe on. Not only is the shoe really ugly but there is no way her giant foot is getting in there. When you're 9 months pregnant just wear flip flops for fuck's sake!

Her husband says that her pregnant belly is like a hot air balloon and that her ass is like the Good Year Blimp.  Nice.

Rosie shows up at the house thinking she'll just need to make her dress but she has a feeling she is going to ask for more help.

Robyn says she's been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes - wait...just now? And she's just been using common sense as far as what to eat but has gained 80 lbs.  When I was diagnosed with GD I was about 6 months along and was on a strict eating regimen.

She says that a lot of the weight is from fertility drugs...obviously not knowing that Rosie is currently using IVF to get pregnant and she's clearly not enormous. I'm embarrassed for this woman. They walk into the kitchen and there's candy and cupcakes there. Rosie points out that Robyn seems to be making a lot of excuses.

Days later Rosie goes to Robyn's house as an intervention to get control over her weight. She started off at 100 lbs and is now 180 lbs.  She must be like 4 feet tall because she looks much bigger than 180.

Robyn says that her doctors have told her that for some reason her body is holding onto all of this weight and there is some chemical reason for it. Umm...I think eating cupcakes and other crap is the reason for it.

She says that there are certain things that she has in her cabinet because she likes the way it looks...she won't eat it, but it looks cute. Who the fuck says shit like that? Yeah, I have that package of Ramen in my cabinet because it is so darling next to the Cocoa Puffs. 

Rosie says she thinks she IS eating this stuff so they need to take it out.

Robyn allows the nutritionist Marissa who came with Rosie to go through her kitchen. To the camera Robyn tells us that she was upset that Rosie accused her of eating the food because it was coming from someone who is this skinny and probably has her own weight disorder.  OMG. I'm glad she has a pair of those ugly red sandals because one is going up her ass and one is going up her husband's ass.

Marissa comes out of the kitchen with ice cream, cupcakes, and a ton of other junk. Basically the trash is full with what was in her kitchen and it is all sugary junk. This lady is starting to piss me off. When you have GD you need to put your BABY FIRST, not your sugar cravings. This is harmful to both her and the baby.

The food lady leaves and Rosie tells Robyn and her gender neutral friend...let's call it Pat...that they are going to the park for some exercise. Robyn tells the camera that she hasn't exercised in over a year.  Hmmm...that doesn't sound like a "chemical thing holding onto your fat" to me.

Holy...shit. "Pat" is actually not gender neutral - that's MARK...ROBYN'S HUSBAND! I totally thought it was a friend. I wasn't paying attention when he introduced himself to the nutritionist except for the fact that he had small boobs. That's why I assumed maybe it was a manly girl. Wow. That is crazy.




Some Small A Cups I thought...


Robyn and Mark go to the park to work out. When Robyn is trying to stretch she says she can't reach to stretch. When she's told to lay flat on a mat she says she's not allowed to lay flat at this stage in her pregnancy. Does she think Rosie and this fitness woman are morons? You can't sleep on your back when you're that pregnant but you can lay on your back for a minute or so - what has she done while getting ultrasounds? Oh man, I really want to punch her.  I've never heard more excuses.

"I can't. I can't." I hate her.

On another day, Robyn takes her mom Sandy (who already seems like a bitch from what we've seen outside) and Ashley, Robyn's sister.

She tries on the dress which Rosie made big so that they can just take it in as necessary and isn't done yet since this is just a fitting. Robyn aka Bitch complains the whole time. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten a thousand cupcakes and ice cream and stopped working out? Or maybe get married before you get pregnant - or after! JEEZ!

Rosie says how they will fix it, hike up the top part so Bitch's boobs are up higher and Bitch asks her if she's going to do it RIGHT NOW.

No. She's not. Good.

A day or a few days later Rosie is happy that the wedding is the next day so she can finally spend some time with her so.  Queue cell phone ringing. It's Bitch.

Robyn: "...the dress is horrific, it's absolutely horrible."

She took it to her own tailor for some reason. He has ruined it. I hate her even more.

Rosie is running to where Robyn is getting married with three dresses. Robyn is bitching about how hot she is and that she needs her dress NOW.

She likes the first dress thankfully so Rosie hasn't been stabbed or anything.

However, some other lady who is trying to fix Robyn's mom's hair may get sliced up because Robyn thinks she's trying to make her mom look ugly. She's screaming for everyone to get out. If I were Rosie I would run far, far away from this crazy loon.

Then...a dog that is in the wedding pees on the gown. Surprisingly this doesn't bother her as much as someone fixing her mom's hair.

They are getting married outside and there is some kind of sidewalk very close to them so random people are walking by and staring in the background.

During their first dance Mark is asking if he should lead. Maybe he really is a woman dressed like a man. She had IVF so we don't know for sure if it was his sperm.

Rosie goes to Robyn and Mark's house because Robyn is in labor and is going to have an emergency C-section because the baby is breech.  Robyn is wearing the dress that Rosie initially made her for her wedding and the tailor botched. She thinks it is the perfect dress to have a baby in. Nice..."You made me this dress and I can't wait to sweat in it, get it bloody and damp with fluids.




Rosie's next client is Michelle who is on her second baby. She needs help because she wants to ask her boss to be the godfather of her new baby. Her boss is "Lord Wedgewood". He's the ambassador for her company.

She's asking Rosie for help because she's British and was a baroness. Whatever that means.

Apparently this really is a big deal and she did need Rosie's help because there are rules when asking someone of "royalty" to be a godfather. It has to be over "tea" and there has to be scones (pronounced scawns) and spotted dick.  Michelle and her "day husband" (who may or may not be gay) have homework to do to prepare.

Some of the rules:
           Do not pay compliments - British people are uncomfortable with compliments (ok!?)
           Don't talk about anything personal until they get to the actual question
           Don't turn your back on him
           When he stops eating, you must stop eating as well
           Certain desserts go on certain plates - the scawns and spotted dicks
           One scoop of tea per person and one for the pot

Michelle and Steven (the 'day husband') have to learn how to make scawns and spotted dick. Who the hell wants to eat this?

Rosie has Michelle and Steven come to the store to get a dress for her and Steven doesn't think that a man in a track suit is able to pick out her clothes.

Today is the day of the fancy event. There is a lot of stuff on the table and Rosie says it is too much. Also - the crusts MUST be cut off the bread for the sandwiches. What the fuck? I'm sorry but this is all too hoity toity to me. Eat the fucking crust.

Rosie tries the spotted dick that they made and it is obviously terrible. She says that they should wait to serve it to him until AFTER they've asked the question. 

In the meantime Michelle (in interview) says all of the reasons that she wants him to say yes and be her child's godfather and the last one is the only one that I assumed the whole time - he has access to Buckingham Palace so maybe she'll get a trip someday.  I mean, really...she's asking this guy to be her kid's godfather for the money.

The Lord arrives and Steven is confused about how he can't turn his back to him. He basically tip toes backwards which seems like a bigger insult because it is like he's making fun of the situation.

Lord Wedgewood eats some of the spotted dick and it didn't look like he enjoyed it. After a sandwich Michelle pops the question and he says yes. Cha-ching!!!! $$$$

Michelle has the baby - Elle - and they head to the park with the 'day husband' and Rosie to meet up with Lord Wedgewood.

I find the day/night husband thing really annoying. That is all on this episode.

16 & Pregnant Season Premiere: Jordan (from 4/19)

Jordan is from St. Louis. She has an identical twin Jessica but Jordan is 6 minutes more mature. I guess that's why she's the one who got knocked up.

Their father left (recurring theme much?) and their grandparents adopted and raised them since their mother couldn't handle it. When the twins were 15 they left high school to become models.

Aleta is the grandmother and she's still lecturing Jordan 7 months into the pregnancy. Well, she's probably just doing it for the show. "Having sex...that's basically what it's for...to reproduce."

Jessica - the creepy clingy twin - wants Jordan to go into labor when Brian (the baby daddy) is not around. She thinks that he'll understand when he has a niece or nephew. WHAT? He's the dad. I think he's a little closer to the baby than an aunt.

Jordan was on the pill but she found out too late that she wasn't on it long enough for it to start working. I'm assuming she popped the pill and then Brian popped his penis into her.  This is what happens when there is no sex ed. But damn, girl...pick up a Cosmo or something. Every other month they have facts and myths about birth control.

It's Jordan's baby shower and since they are so young, most of the attendees are their friends...you know...children with braces and stuff.

I think at some point they may have even played pin the tail on the donkey.

Grandma Aleta points out to everyone that Creepy Twin is feeling left out. Way to make everyone feel comfortable Gram.

Brian seems to be somewhat normal in comparison to the other teen dads. Aleta is allowing him to move in with them despite her concern that Creepy will flip out.

Once he moves in and Creepy is eating Swedish Fish for dinner, Aleta asks how she's feeling since Brian moved in. She says that it will "probably never going to be the same." Yeah, probably.

The twins go to a place called "Glazed & Confused" to paint plates and mugs. Nothing important happens here but I like the name of the place.

Brian tells Jordan that he only wants it to be the two of them in the room when she gives birth - and that he doesn't want Creepy to be there. He better run and hide because Creepy is going to scratch his eyes out when she hears this.

Jessica (Creepy) doesn't slit Brian's throat in his sleep so they all discuss the delivery room situation with Aleta as the mediator. We don't know what the decision is yet so Brian's fate is still not sealed.

On the way to her doctor's appointment, Jordan throws up sour cream on the side of the road. Well, it isn't actual sour cream...it's because she's drinking a lot of milk and apparently milk+stomach acid=sour cream. I would have thought it would be more like a tangy cheese.

Thankfully, Jordan says Jessica can be in the delivery room.  A week or so later she goes into labor and at the hospital she's 3cm. For some reason they put her on pitocin right away. This annoys me. They have not said anything about her bag of water breaking so I assume she's just still in early labor - WHY give her drugs? They don't explain this and I have a feeling Jordan doesn't know any better than to just go along with it but who knows.

Jessica asks how many people poop when they are in labor and the nurse says quite a bit. (I didn't!)

The pitocin really sends her along because 6 hours into labor she's ready to push. She's in pain and Brian tears up a little - finally...a baby daddy that feels bad.

An hour later little Noah must be crowning because Jessica's face says it all.

It is very sweet that Brian starts crying and as soon as they put him on Jordan's stomach she says "I love you!" to the baby and I want to cry too. And Noah is so cute.

The first night home the baby wakes up every 45 minutes or so. No matter what they do for editing on the show it will never express the sheer exhaustion that those first few nights cause.

Jessica wants to learn how to change the baby's diaper so Jordan starts to show her. However, this appears to be too big of a task and she needs Brian's help so Jessica turns into Creepy again, lurks behind them and then leaves the room.

Creepy's eyes are all puffy and she looks even more tired than Jordan - but hers are puffy from curling up in a ball crying that her sister doesn't need her anymore. I just can't feel bad for her because most people don't get to live with their sister and baby nephew - she should be happy.

Jordan is feeling guilty because Noah is constantly crying and she doesn't feel like he's getting enough breastmilk. I think this is the first time they've shown a teen mom feel that helplessness of not being able to comfort her own baby.

When the baby is up in the middle of the night and the camera guy is in the room I wonder for the first time if they sleep or take shifts just sit there waiting with the camera.

Poor Noah has severe acid reflux which is why he's been crying for 6 weeks straight. I kind of feel like since MTV has been criticized for "glamorizing" teen pregnancy that they are showing a lot more stressful moments with a newborn than they have in the past. But maybe I'm just paying attention more since I'm recapping.

Jessica is less creepy by the end of the episode but at one point she does (jokingly?) ask for a knife so she can stab Brian.


Just as a final note: Does EVERY COMMERCIAL have the Katy Perry song Firework? I'm going to shove a firework in my ear so I don't have to hear it anymore.

Bethenny Ever After (from 4/18)

I can't believe we're starting the episode with the "filler" therapist stuff.  However, a few seconds in I realize that this is just a little preface to the actual episode. Flashback to one week before Thanksgiving.

B is preparing to go to LA to do the first Skating with the Stars episode.

Is it just me or is it annoying that she wears Skinnygirl clothes? I mean, that would be like me walking around with a shirt that says Aimless Small Potatoes. Oh my god. I should walk around wearing a shirt that says Aimless Small Potatoes!

Although, that might direct people's attention to my boobs since "small potatoes" across the chest might imply I'm talking about the little ladies. I'll have to get a hat or a fanny pack. How great would a fanny pack be? Fanny packs should really be less taboo because they just seem so convenient.

Sorry...back to the show.

Gina has some bad news about her health. She needs to have surgery Friday so she's leaving. It has something to do with "women problems" so it has to be something with her breasts or uterus. I hope she's ok. Everyone is crying, including Jason who chokes up a bit.


The Hoppy family arrives in LA and take a walk down Rodeo Drive. B points out that LA has a lot of douchebags with small penises driving Ferraris.  I've never been there but that's what I imagine as well.

Since B wants to move there, Jason asks whereabouts they would live. He doesn't want to live anywhere near where O.J. lived.

B is practicing her skating. She really is a lot better than I would have expected. I guess I'm just in awe because I truly can't stand up on ice. I live in New England. I can make it to my car on the icy driveway but that's about it. And sometimes not even then.

Later on they drive around Beverly Hills and see a house they like so they roam through the yard and hop the gate. They get to the backyard and Jason says "Oh shit, there's a pool?" I don't think I've ever heard Jason swear before.

They start to panic and not want to leave fingerprints anywhere. They hop the gate again and as they are sitting in the car in the driveway discussing whether or not Jason broke his thumb when he was helping B over the gate he notices a woman across the street so they speed away. I love it.

At dinner they discuss maybe moving out to LA. Jason is such a sweetheart and he says he'll be happy where ever they live as long as he's with Bethenny, Bryn and Cookie. I love that he included Cookie.

Here we go again about the relationship with Jason's parents. I can't even type about it.

It is the Skating with the Stars performance and I feel embarrassed for her. She's good but I feel like it is super cheesy.  She gets some bad comments from the judges and bad scores. I didn't watch the show so I have no idea how the other people did but I thought she did pretty well.

Gina obviously watched the episode on TV and since her surgery went well she's full steam Gina again. She leaves B a message about how great she did in the skating but how she wants to *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*. I assume something terrible about the judges.

They travel home for Thanksgiving. The turkey is a disaster - the oven stops working and the turkey is raw. B is freaking out. She seems to be blaming Julie because she was supposed to get the oven taken care of beforehand.

Thanksgiving will be without turkey because even if the oven is fixed it will be 95 hours before it is ready according to B.

Back to the therapist - he asks her about Thanksgivings when she was a child and she explains a Thanksgiving scenario where her mother would freak out if something went wrong and everyone was walking on eggshells. B sees a connection and I can't believe that the therapist actually did some therapy in this episode.

It always goes back to the parents, I guess. Should I start saving for my son's future therapy already?

The Real Housewives of OC (from 4/17)

Vicki goes to Tamra's new house for a visit. She tells Tamra how cute it is while she's staring at the floor. They exchange religious gifts - Vicki gives Tamra a cross in a frame and Tamra gives Vicki some rosary beads from Spain. Vicki loves them and will keep them in her car. Maybe hang them from her rear view mirror along with a graduation tassel?

While Tamra was out of town, Simon stalked Peggy to ask about where she was. She told him and Simon supposedly started texting Tamra like a psycho and then went to Tamra's house while she was gone and hung out there with Tamra's mom and their children.

Vicki is going to her 30 year high school reunion and Donn is not going, of course. I mean, why would he...it isn't like they're married or anything. Oh wait, they are.

Tamra shares some text messages that she had with Alexis and she uses the "R" word. Seriously Tamra? Can someone PLEASE shove that bedazzled phone up her ass?  Then she tries to cover it up by saying it with the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble. <---about 1:39. (Apparently that's how it was said in the movie The Hangover which I was bored to death with and it doesn't matter - you still don't use the R word...and you're 40-something...stop quoting stupid "bromance" movies).

They gossip about Alexis' house maybe being in foreclosure or short sale.


Slade Slimey is looking particularly greasy today.

Gretchen and her ex-husband share custody of their two dogs and Gretchen thinks when they come back from his house the dogs are fat 'tards. Seriously? What is WRONG with people in the OC?

She also thinks that Slade is fat. He's 6'2" and weighs 211. Gretchen thinks he's fat/overweight and should be 190 lbs. She's a moron. I hate Slade but what a double standard. Can you imagine if he said that to her?  Someone needs to shove that Gretchen Christine makeup up her ass.


Vicki and Donn go to a spa to spend time together. Vicki is annoyed with him right away. She tells the camera how she has trouble finding the time to spend with him because she works all the time.  I'm not sure why she thinks they will spend time together at the spa because they go get massages in separate rooms.


Peggy, her new boobs and her husband go out to dinner with Gretchen and Slimey. They talk about having children and it is awkward because apparently Slade has gotten some bad press about being a deadbeat dad. I didn't even remember that he WAS a dad so yeah...sounds about right.

Peggy wants to try Gretchen's lip glosses. She says her husband Micah is very allergic to some lip glosses so she has to do a "muscle test" on him.  They claim that if he clutches the tube of lip gloss in one hand and she can pull his fingers out from a tight fist, that means he's allergic. What? Wait....what??

Micah is trying to show them that it works by grabbing onto things like tabasco and other bottles. Gretchen and Slade both ask how they can tell through the plastic (or glass) which is exactly what the rest of us are thinking...right?

I love how Gretchen and Slade both take a sip of their drinks at the same time...like "these two are nuts."

Peggy has a "daytime engagement/wedding ring" and we find out Alexis has a "workout engagement/wedding ring". WTF?


Gretchen brings her dogs into the vet because they are overweight. She only feeds them 1/4 cup of dry food twice a day. I feel like she's starving them but the vet says they are obese! She wants a doctor's note to give her ex that says they are fat. Gretchen basically lets one of the dogs fall off the table but blames Slade. She hates him as much as I do I think.


Peggy, her boobs and Tamra are out to eat/drink. Peggy assumes she's going to be good friend with Tamra because she's a virgo.

They gossip about Gretchen and Alexis. Tamra basically says that the adult thing to do about hers and Gretchen's situation is to move on...which is why she brought mace to Alexis' party? As a joke to help them move on? Idiot.

Tamra thinks it is so wonderful that her gay boyfriend is younger than her.


Holy shit Vicki and Donn are out to eat together. I can't believe they are near each other more than one time during this episode.  Vicki seems embarrassed that Donn ordered white wine even though he's going to eat meat because apparently you're supposed to drink red wine with meat.  She's also embarrassed that he's reading the menu. When you live in the OC I guess you need to know the menus by heart.

Also, you're meal consists of just a small piece of meat and nothing else. I bet this was like $60.

Vicki doesn't know how old her husband is. She says "you're almost 60, right?" He says he is 57. They talk about when each of them want to retire. Vicki wants to sell insurance until she's 105. She thinks that work is her hobby and that she wouldn't change a thing in her life. She's basically telling Donn that she wants a divorce. I like Donn - I don't know how he stayed with Vicki for so long.


Holy old-lady-Barbie-dropped-in-a-pool. I just saw a commercial for Watch What Happens Live and what the fuck is going on with Tamra's legs? Did Andy just spill champagne down them? Did Ugly Eddie just lick them? Are her boobs bigger? Why is she wearing a purple napkin as a dress? Way too many questions that I will not get answered because I did not DVR Watch What Happens Live. Hopefully I will find a repeat.

No one shoved anything up Gretchen's ass because she's out in a field with the two dogs and Slade, calling them all fat. Again, as much as I hate Slade he is not fat. Gretchen is really annoying and she keeps calling him Tubba Wubba.

He finally tells her that he doesn't want her to call him Tubba Wubba anymore. I'm more annoyed with the actual words Tubba Wubba than I am with her calling him fat. No I'm not...but I think those words are totally annoying. She thinks she's being cute.

She says she won't say it publicly anymore and asks if he's upset because he knows she's right. I hope the tree branch falls on her head.

He is going to run home and meet her there instead of riding in the car with her. She is now turning this on him and making him feel bad for making her feel like a jerk. Bitch.


Tamra goes over to Alexis' house to resolve their issues while wearing a romper. She's too fucking old.

Alexis gives her a tour of the house and we see that there is a scary framed picture of a topless Jim. Gross. But hilarious.

Tamra asks Alexis if the rumors were true (about her being in foreclosure) and Alexis says that they are doing a loan modification. Tamra (who is supposedly in real estate) says that loan modification is the new word (um...words!!) for "foreclosure in Orange County". She's a fucking moron.

Tamra still thinks that the mace thing is a funny joke. She really needs to go to a comedy show to find out what humor is. They start arguing about it. Tamra thinks Alexis doesn't have a sense of humor. I'm pretty sure none of them do, actually. Maybe Donn.

I like Alexis' lipstick but it probably costs about $250 for one tube. I wonder if she clutched it in the store and had Peggy to pry open her fist.

Next week Jeana and Lynn are back! However, this time Jeana is the one who looks stoned.