The Real Housewives of New Jersey (from 5/30)

Kathy is telling her husband Rich about what happened at the fashion show. She doesn't think she did anything wrong by confronting Teresa.  Well of course not, no one thinks they are wrong on this show.  She wants to speak with Caroline about it...maybe she's afraid.

She sets a date and goes to Caroline's house with a godawful basket and giant bouquet flowers. She begins to basically apologize and explain herself. Caroline clearly doesn't give a shit but she does back Teresa up a little bit and says that she felt bad for Teresa when she heard what was going on (when Kathy attacked Teresa's parenting).

Kathy grows some balls right before our eyes and says that she was upset with Caroline with the way she came in and made a judgement call. Hello??? It was Caroline's family's place of business. Of course she is going to tell people to calm down and take it elsewhere.

In interview Kathy is saying that she is a grown woman and she doesn't need anyone's approval or to win a friendship. The giant bouquet of flowers says differently.

At home, Rich feels bad for the way that Teresa treated his wife so he buys her a brand new car.




Caroline's sons are moving into their new apartment. Jacqueline has given them a couch for their new place and also...a stripper pole. Why did Jacqueline have a stripper pole??

Caroline is carrying the pole into the apartment and she says "This thing is going to make me throw up, that's all I know. It's choking me and it's itchy."

TOTALLY thought she was talking about the pole...but it's the feather boa around her neck.



Teresa is writing her second cook book and is having photos taken of the food. She's talking to a couple of people at the shoot and asking how they like the recipes. One says she likes it because there aren't any fancy ingredients. This is when Teresa says that in lots of cookbooks she read there were so many "ingredientses".

Yeah, we know what's going in their heads here.

For some reason at the photo shoot Teresa talks to her husband on speakerphone. He ran into her brother at the gym and the two of them talk about it, making everyone in the room uncomfortable. The photographer is thinking "Get the fuck off the phone and pay attention!"

Another day, Teresa, Caroline (with strangely slicked back wet hair) and Jacqueline go to a friend of Kim D's (the Posche owner) place to look at her clothes and see what they want before the new season's stuff comes out. Teresa tells the friend (Cynthia) that she used to be in the fashion industry too. She worked at Macy's.  Oooh oooh...I used to be an opthamologist. I was a receptionist at an eye doctor's office.

Kim points out that now Teresa's job is taking care of four kids and Teresa throws in "And I'm an author."  Oooh oooh...I used to be a journalist. I wrote a letter to the editor once.

Kim says "That's right. Writing her lil' recipes." Where did this condescention come from? Maybe she's becoming BFFs with Melissa.

Caroline and her wet head also becomes condescending with Teresa when she brings up Kathy visiting her. I sort of don't blame her because Teresa won't let Caroline finish a thought and she keeps throwing out there what "happened" at the fashion show.  Caroline just wants her to listen. She gets through one complete sentence and Teresa starts yapping again.

Teresa explains that she has tried to get in touch with her brother via his best friend but that she has four kids, she doesn't have TIME to be chasing her brother around. She says this as she's standing in a store with a glass of champagne in the afternoon with friends gossiping.

Caroline suggests that Teresa write a letter  because there is obviously an issue with communication. Teresa says "Not on my end." She's not listening again. If anyone has an issue with communication it's Teresa. Caroline looks like she's ready to strangle her.

At the Gorga household Joe comes home and isn't really talking to Melissa because she hasn't given him sex for a few days. She was tired from the fashion show and Joe thinks she needs to wake up to have sex with him. After she cooks, cleans and irons his clothes.

As they are eating together (just the two of them), their daughter comes in the room to tell them that Gino (her brother) spilled some water. Are they not eating in the same room? The kids have to eat separately?

Joe calls their daughter a cock block - well, Melissa says "blocker" but we all know that's what he says.  He says that not having sex basically builds up "poison" in his system. Great. Now all I can hear is the guy on Howard Stern saying "Release the poison" to the girl on the Sybian.



Jacqueline is visiting a psychic.  The psychic tells her that Ashley is very emotional right now and it is like she has constant PMS. Well, damn...I watched last season too so can you call me a psychic?  I predict that Ashley will act like a spoiled brat who wants everything handed to her.  That will be $400.

She also brings up Teresa and her family issues. She's clearly in the NJ gossip ring.


Another day, Teresa goes to Jacqueline's house to go through the letter that she's written to her brother per Caroline's advice. She "wrote" a rough draft on her bedazzled phone. If Solid Gold was still on the air, the dancers would have that phone.

She doesn't mention Melissa at all in the letter. Teresa feels that she's up to this point with them BECAUSE of Melissa. Jacqueline thinks she needs to mention her and take some responsibility but we all know Teresa isn't going to do that. She isn't listening to Jacqueline, in fact - she's rummaging through her purse as Jacqueline tries to give her advice.

Oh...she's looking for her phone because apparently it was ringing. She doesn't say anything to Jacqueline and just answers it. Ironically enough, as she was looking for her phone Jacqueline had been saying something about Teresa being self absorbed.

Teresa says that none of this is her fault and that it is hard to write this letter with Jacqueline because it has nothing to do with her. Oh Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. There is nothing going on in that little head of yours, is there?

Eventually Jacqueline lays on the couch with her son and Teresa frantically writes on shitloads of paper on the table.

It seems like it has taken all day and I feel bad for Jacqueline. She tells her that she's made the same point several times but Teresa just keeps writing, ending her note with the ever so passive aggressive "Your only sister, Teresa."

On the way to deliver the letter she says "I hope my brother changes...yada yada yada...he can't try to change me. I don't want to change him." When Jacqueline points this out she just gets a dirty look.

She leaves the letter on the door.

When Melissa and Joe get home, Joe makes Melissa read the letter out loud to him. Melissa wants him to talk to her and work things out.  Joe doesn't want to make peace with the "new Teresa".


Next week is Thanksgiving. Mmm...turkey...and apparently lasagna with not fancy ingredientses like "come-in".

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Maturity Goes Backwards in NJ (from 5/23)

The name Monday should officially be changed to Craz-o during the RHofNJ season. Sunday, Craz-o, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.

This says it all:

Caroline, Jacqueline, Teresa and some others are carving pumpkins because it is near Halloween. A family friend, Dolores, has heard rumors about the christening and wants to know what really happened. Not sure why she's asking Teresa, though.

Inside the men are gossiping about it too and Joe calls Joe Gorga (Melissa's Joe) a "little midget". Pot meet kettle!

Caroline thinks Teresa needs to talk to her brother to smooth things out, especially because there is a fashion show coming up and they will all be there. She's trying to give Teresa adult advice but you know Teresa isn't going to listen.

Teresa tells us in interview that she's the matriarch of her family. I actually scoffed at that...and I've never used the word "scoffed" in reference to myself before.


Melissa and Joe are going to Kathy and Rich's house for dinner to talk about the fiasco.

Is it cold in the house?

Melissa and Joe were upset that Teresa and Joe were acting fake at the christening by dancing with the baby on the dance floor, looking like they were a great and caring aunt and uncle. Normal human beings with a maturity level past the age of 18 would have just smiled and faked it too since this was a religious celebration and there were children around. But then how would they get on TV? They MUST pound on the tables, threaten to fight each other, swear and throw fits if they want to be famous.

While telling the story Joe says about Teresa: "I looked at her. I looked at her with my eyes..." That should have settled everything. If someone looks at you with their eyes you better back the fuck up! If they look with their elbows, you're safe.

Kathy and Rich hit the nail on the head (or the fist on the table...whatever analogy you're more comfortable with..lamb and tunafish?) when they said that Teresa used to put her brother Joe on this pedestal and just bragged about everything he did. Teresa's husband Joe obviously felt inferior and has since (in the last 9 years) felt like he had to tear Joe Gorga down. For some reason he does this via Teresa and Joe's father.  Why does the father listen to his brother-in-law bad mouth his own son?



Apparently all of the RH of NJ are contractually obligated to shop at Posche, Kim D's teeny tiny boutique.  This is the fashion show that Caroline mentioned earlier. Teresa and Jacqueline are walking in the show and now in a strangely bad voice over edit, Kim D asks Melissa to also walk in the show.

While at the shop, Kim G comes by because she would never miss out on an opportunity to be on the show even though she wasn't chosen to be a housewife. She meets Melissa for the first time and immediately asks her about what happened at the christening. Balls, Kim G...you got balls. Rude ones.

Kim G bad mouths Teresa and calls her an old lady. Isn't Kim G old enough to be Teresa's mom?



Caroline's daughter Lauren started a little makeup line/beauty bar type thing.  She's doing the makeup for the Posche fashion show. Last year's Posche show was when Ashley pulled Danielle's hair out. 



Its Halloween and Teresa is running around her bedroom in some kind of costume calling herself "Super T". This is the bedroom of someone who filed bankruptcy in the last year:

I think that mirror probably costs more than my entire house.

Three of her girls are dressing up as rock stars and Audriana is a lesbian.

Melissa thinks she's dressed as a cat but she's really just wearing tight black leather and some ears. Joe is dressing up as Teresa.

Ok maybe it is Snooki.

They arrive at Kathy and Rich's house before going to a party and they've also invited Kim D. Kim D has a blonde wig on and she announces that her costume is a "half a hooker". Ok what half?  Kim G is tagging along (surprise, surprise) and she also thinks she's dressed as a cat except she has a tank top on and has drawn whiskers on her face.

They go to a club and I really feel like most of them are way too old to be at a club. *cough Kathy, Kim G cough*. WHAT is Kathy dressed as?

Teresa is talking to Jacqueline about how she's going to say hi to Melissa at the fashion show. As if she's the "bigger person". Neither of them are the bigger person.


Melissa is talking to Kathy about it and saying that Teresa ruined her child's party. How insane is that statement? Teresa was being fake nice - yes that sucks but Melissa and Joe's reaction to it was what ruined the party. Come on now.


Fashion show time. Melissa is getting her makeup done and as soon as Teresa walks in she goes over to her and says hi and kisses her on the cheek. Come on now.

While Caroline is making small talk with Melissa and Kathy, Teresa starts whining "CAROLIIINNE!" How is it that I used to not hate Teresa?


Kim G shows up and Teresa cannot stop staring at her while she talks to Melissa, Kathy and Melissa's sisters.  She knows that the NJ Chapter of Teresa Haters has just been created. Teresa makes a comment that Kim G is like 77 years old. If that is the case, I've changed my mind on getting plastic surgery someday because she does NOT look 77.   Of course - she's not 77, she's 54.

Kim D stands up to kick off the show. Is it still Halloween? Because I think she's still half a hooker.

When it is time for Melissa to walk the runway, she has all of her "fans" standing up, whistling, taking pictures. It looks like pervert row at a strip club.

Kim D has Melissa walk twice down the runway.  Trying to get someone to make it rain?

When Teresa is introduced Kim G who is so mature for a 54 year old asks her new friends the Teresa Haters if they should boo Teresa. Does anyone else think that maturity goes backwards in NJ? I think Teresa's daughters are more mature than Kim G.

The show is over and Kathy pulls Teresa aside to talk to her.  She asks her what is up with her, what happened at the christening. Teresa says she didn't do anything, her brother did. Kathy is obviously on Melissa's side in this whole thing so she's basically trying to convince Teresa that she needs to apologize.

Kathy says that she was worried about the children (I'm sure her 14 year old was find with his knife collection) and tells Teresa that she found Audriana alone in a stroller and pushed the stroller out of the room. I don't remember seeing this happen last week but Kathy seems to be pushing this fact over and over again.

Teresa starts pointing in her face "DO NOT go there with me!" I don't blame her...you don't "go there" to a mother about her kids/parenting skills.

Caroline is trying to corral the crazy.  She confronts Kathy and said that the conversation shouldn't have happened now and they can kill each other in their own homes, not at the Brownstone.

Next week Teresa is talking about her cookbook and she says "ingrediences" and "cumin" (but pronounces is "come-in". She wrote a cookbook...and says ingrediences and come-in.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season Premiere: Competition & Hypocrisy (from 5/16)

We open the season with Teresa and the family attending her brother's son's christening. Teresa tells us that she doesn't get along with her brother's wife, Melissa. Good thing because she's one of the new cast members.

Teresa goes up to her brother and SIL and says congratulations. They ask her "Why are you saying it now?" I'm guessing because this is the party to celebrate the christening...but whatever.

Her brother says "Teresa do what you do every day, just walk the fuck away."  Teresa doesn't understand what is going on - none of us do, I think. She asks why they even invited her and Melissa's sister says that it was a technicality.

Inappropriate arguing ensues and Teresa's brother bangs on the table with his fist several times. What is up with their family and restaurant tables?

Little children are turning around to see what the yelling is all about and someone says "don't get it twisted". Hold the phone. When did that phrase become an adult phrase?

Never.

The men start fighting and we cut to a screen that says "One week earlier..." Ok good because I thought I was losing my mind.


I guess Teresa and her husband own a pizzeria now that they have gone through bankruptcy. Teresa has written a cookbook and is doing book signings at her restaurant.  People come and tell her that they are praying for her and they hope she'll be fine.  Huh? Why would anyone give a shit about a "real housewife" who just last season spent ridiculous amounts of money on frivolous things like boobs and an enormous home made of marble?

Jacqueline is visiting Teresa and she's explaining about the drama she has with her brother. Teresa says that she wanted Melissa to be like her sister and she called her a lot, etc. but Melissa kept blowing her off so she stopped calling as much.

Yeah - something is missing here.

Neither of them came to any of her book signings and the rumor is that they thought they needed to be invited. I'm kind of with the brother and SIL on this - did she expect them to come and wait in line like some RHofNJ fans?  There is a lot more to this story.



Jacqueline looks great in her opening scene - she lost all the baby weight.  Her daughter, Ashley is wearing a teeny tiny dress.

Ashley is interning at Lizzie Grubman PR. Jacqueline goes to visit her and they talk with Lizzie herself. I think she's the one who ran over a bunch of people with her SUV? Anyway, Lizzie says that Jacqueline has an amazing daughter but that she has to come to work everyday. Ashley says that it is really hard.

I just vomited a little bit. Ashley drops a bomb that she wants to talk to her mom about moving into the city. Jacqueline wonders how she will do this since her internship is unpaid. Ashley starts to cry. More vomit.  Lizzie has to comfort her.

Jacqueline, Ashley and Chris (Jacqueline's husband) go out to lunch. Ashley still cries because she says that the whole process of working in the city is annoying because she has to get up early.  Chris tells her that when he was her age he did whatever he had to do to get to work. She says that she has been doing that and sometimes she's late.

I may lose like 10 lbs tonight from all this vomit. I hate Ashley right now.

Chris says that if she does well at the job and tries hard he will pay for her commuting into the city. You can see in Ashley's face that this is not what she wanted to hear. She was expecting them to buy her an apartment.



The Manzos are walking through an empty apartment. Albee and Christopher are moving into an apartment they leased together. Caroline is crying because her kids are leaving.

Caroline is the best Real Housewife of them all.  She's strong, smart, a great mom, has great boobs and didn't pay for them.  But this also means her segments might be a bit boring because she doesn't have drama. Now that Danielle is gone...but who knows, maybe she'll get involved in the Teresa/Melissa/Joe/Kathy fiasco.

I feel bad but in her next segment I almost want to fast forward because I know nothing is going to happen. They are just cooking and eating. Well, Caroline says that they have maple-glazed butter and Jacqueline thinks she said nipple-glazed butter.   Oooohhh, risque!



It is time to meet the infamous SIL Melissa.  Joe, her husband (Teresa's brother) is massaging her feet and kissing them.  Seriously I lost at LEAST 5 lbs already and we're only 22 minutes in.

Melissa is so happy that Joe surprised her with the plans for this 15,000 square foot home for Christmas! I'm beginning to see why Teresa is fighting with them - COMPETITION.

Melissa is the type of wife that has to be "a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom." Lovely.

When their son makes a mess with some Styrofoam on the floor Joe tells him to come play football. The son says that he's helping to clean up and Joe says "Forget cleaning up, that's for the women!"

Ah, this is looking to be a good season where I hate everyone! YEAH!

Kathy (the other new castmate) is Joe's cousin and she comes by for lunch - she's good friends with Melissa.  They talk about Teresa and Joe.  Kathy says if she was going through what Teresa did, she wouldn't want to leave the house.  Way to be supportive.

What the fuck is Melissa wearing?

Joe makes a comment that Teresa says how her family is Jacqueline and Caroline...but of course we know that isn't true as far as blood relation. Melissa says that even when they are invited to be with Teresa and her "friends" they act like they aren't even there anyway.

Sounds to me like a bunch of snobs who are all jealous of each other.



Kathy is married to a Lebanese man, Rich. He is so cheesy looking that I'm questioning whether or not these people were cast and costumed by Bravo. People can't really look like this in real life, right?

Kathy loves to cook because "what you put in your mouth? It's important." Come on. She's riding around on a bicycle to pick up groceries. These people aren't real. 

They have two children - Victoria who is 16 and Joseph who is 14. Kathy says how Joseph has so many friends...SO many friends. As she is saying this we see Joseph playing with a knife in his bed.  Kathy is upset that he's playing with knives on his bed because it isn't a hard surface.

Come on. The jokes on us right? Come on.



It is the morning of the christening party.  Melissa's sisters are looking for a fight with Teresa.


Speaking of Teresa - are they still living in their giant marble mansion? All these people "praying" for her and her family - I bet their entire house would fit in the Guidice's entryway.

While getting the kids ready for the christening, Teresa has lost Audriana - the baby - who is crawling around the house.  Luckily Teresa's makeup artist was on the stairs because he caught the baby as she started to crawl down them. Lovely.

Teresa's hairstylist is cheating on her with Melissa.  It is a giant conspiracy - Melissa and her sisters are taking up the hairstylists time so that Teresa will be late.

Teresa is freaking out because they will be late but Joe is in shorts pulling a wheelbarrow out of the garage. He's not getting ready. He has diarrhea. And evidently he's carting it out in the wheelbarrow?


Melissa is scaring her baby I think...telling him that he's going to Jesus' kingdom. Maybe it is just me...but that would scare me. "You're bringing me WHERE?" Of course, I know the baby is too young to understand.

At the church, Melissa notices that Teresa isn't there (she's late). Of course she did, why wouldn't she? There are only a thousand people there.

I guess this is what Danielle was talking about in the reunion show last year when she said that Teresa didn't acknowledge her nephew.

Teresa DOES show up at the church and she clearly says congratulations to her brother and her nephew.  Melissa still wonders if she showed up late or afterwards (who cares?) and then says that they should have pulled Gia out of whatever she was doing so she could attend her cousin's christening.

According to Teresa, Gia had a gymnastics competition and if she missed it she would be kicked out of gymnastics.  Even if that weren't true and it was a giant lie (although we saw Gia leave for gymnastics with her coach) who gives a fuck if one 7 year old girl isn't in attendance!??? (Sorry...she might not be 7 but I can't remember).

Melissa is pissed that Joe (Teresa's husband) didn't come to the church. She obviously doesn't care about the wheelbarrows of diarrhea. When he does come to the reception and Melissa's Joe asks Teresa's Joe if he wants a shot, he of course declines since he hasn't eaten anything and he's been shoveling watery poop all morning. Melissa takes this as an insult.  Does she want him squirting at the party?

She also takes this opportunity to tell us (in interview) that Teresa thinks she throws better parties than her but she does NOT. 

Teresa then tells us (in interview) that there weren't a lot of people at the christening...that she had like 200 people at her last one but there wasn't even 200 at this one.

Competition will ruin relationships. GROW THE FUCK UP!

Melissa, Joe, Kathy and Rich are talking about Teresa. Joe says that he is ignoring her just like she ignores him at parties. I don't doubt this because Teresa seems very scatterbrained and into her money (or lack of), her husband and her kids much more than anyone else.


Melissa's Joe is livid that Teresa was dancing with the baby that just got christened.  Melissa brings up the fact that she (Melissa) was holding Audriana at her christening and Teresa came up and ripped her right out of her arms.  Obviously we didn't see this.

Now were back to the place where the show started leading up to the fight. I really don't understand why Joe is so angry at this moment. He's SO angry. He calls her garbage.


Teresa's Joe (I think) comes up and says something like "you sons of bitches" and that is when the actual brawl started.

HOW HYPOCRITICAL ARE THESE PEOPLE? You're celebrating a religious event...and now you're drunk and you're physically fighting and saying fuck every other word in front of all these people, including children.

At one point the camera is behind Teresa and she's telling her husband "It's a christening!" so basically to calm down. All of the sudden the camera guy either got tackled or someone pushed him out of the way and we don't see anything but someone yells "I'll fucking kill every one of yous!"

The camera goes to this shot:

just as someone is saying "You wanna fuck with me?".  I love that Bravo pointed out the hypocrisy with that one little scene.

Melissa's Joe is telling everyone to get his sister and his BIL out of there.  Suddenly there is screaming and someone is on the ground. I have no idea who it is.  Someone is yelling "Get the cops!"

Other people are fighting because it isn't Joe Guidice...he and Teresa are not in the center of the brawl. If I were Teresa the FIRST FUCKING THOUGHT IN MY HEAD would have been "Where are my four children and let me get them out of here, they do NOT need to experience this."

Nope, not these people!

Somehow and for some reason people are starting shit with Teresa & Joe's father? He's an old man who has had two open heart surgeries? WTF is going on?

Someone has said "I'll fucking crack their skulls." (I assume it was Joe Guidice). Someone tries to take Melissa's Joe to the bar to calm down. Yes, add more alcohol, that will do the trick! Might as well start looking for pens so someone can stab someone else in the neck a la Goodfellas.