The Real Housewives of NYC: Santa Does Henna (from 6/9)

We begin where we left off - Jill and Ramona's "fight" with both of them crying.  LuMann and Kelly join Jill to discuss what happened.

Cindy pokes in and tells her it isn't worth it.  Not sure why people thought it was worth being her friend before this.

Downstairs Ramona is crying with Alex comforting her. Sonja stands there with a leopard scarf around her neck that drags on the floor - someone could choke her if they stepped on it.  When LuMann comes in she asks Ramona why she's causing trouble and Alex shoos her away to get Ramona some Pino Grigiot.  There must be some in a box under Ramona's bed.

Everyone feels the need to come in and talk to Ramona about the situation. Just mind your own fucking business everyone! Ugh.

Everyone goes out to dinner. A belly dancer is flinging herself around the restaurant.  For some reason Ramona is treating her like a stripper and putting money in the dancer's waistband.  This whole thing is embarrassing.  Now Alex and Ramona get up and dance with one of the belly dancers. Oh my goodness I would leave.

The next day Jill, Alex, Sonja, Cindy and Kelly go somewhere to get some historical tour. Jill asks a million questions. This is boring.


Later on Alex checks in with Ramona to see how she is doing after the fight with Jill. Ramona is "crying" on a chaise lounge outside. Alex promises to be Ramona's wingman tonight.


LuMann, Kelly and Cindy get henna tattoos. Ramona and Sonja are upstairs in their rooms.

Well - because we had some thunderstorms tonight, my Direct TV obviously got a little messed up because suddenly I was on a commercial and now we are back and Kelly is telling Alex that she's being weird.  Alex has the worst timing ever.

It looks like Alex came downstairs to defend Ramona.  She says that Ramona asked her to protect her from LuMann. Holy cripes. If Ramona really said that - Alex isn't supposed to repeat it. What an idiot.

Kelly keeps telling her to stop and to just stay out of it but for some reason Alex thinks that during this Moroccan vacation while the ladies are getting henna done is the perfect time to discuss drama.

Kelly walks away talking to herself calling Alex an idiot and she's stupid.  She says something about Alex's scarf. It's equally as weird as Alex's ranting.  Somehow Kelly's tattoo is ruined and she blames it on Alex.  She comes back in and tells Alex that this is not normal behavior.  (I think there is a mirror over there Kelly...take a look.)  At one point she exclaims to herself "Who's going to fix my tattoo? Santa?"

They go outside and Kelly just shhsshhs Alex over and over again. Alex is shouting and has hives all over her neck and chest.  Kelly actually calms her down and tells her that sometimes it is better to observe and not participate in chaotic situations.  When the fuck did Kelly become the voice of reason??? If she hadn't said Santa would fix her henna tattoo and would just stop saying the word "weird" in every single sentence I would almost consider her borderline somewhat a teeny bit normal.


Sonja tells Ramona that she snuck a peek at the dresses that were made by the designer for them.  Ramona wants to sneak and look at it too. Ramona actually tries hers on over her clothes. She doesn't seem to like it so she tries on another. None of this seems like a good idea.  They run back to their room, Alex joins them and they discuss the events.


Downstairs, Jill, LuMann, Cindy and Kelly are sitting down for dinner.   Apparently Alex and Ramona asked for dinner to be sent to their rooms instead but they told the kitchen this and not the ladies.  LuMann and Kelly again say that Alex was acting weird and dark.  Damn - I can't believe Direct TV cut off Demon Alex.  Can anyone tell me what happened? I will watch "Watch What  Happens Live" after this so maybe Andy will show a clip.

Alex suddenly shows up looking shocked that dinner is happening. LuMann says the kitchen is closed so Alex can just have the salad that is already on the table.  Alex says she wasn't told about the 8:00 dinner but LuMann thinks she did and says that because she has an education, she should know that telling LuMann that she wasn't coming to dinner was the right thing to do.  Oh yes, I learned about that in my Dinner Etiquette in Morocco with Annoying Bitches 101 class.

Apparently LuMann got her Masters Degree at Condescending University.  She says to Alex "You started it, not me." Did I just see her stick her tongue out?  Alex continues to talk on and on and Kelly leads her out of the room telling her that she's saving her.  Kelly has a Bachelor's Degree from CU.

Kim Zolciak should step in and start singing "Tardy for the Party."

Ramona and Sonja burst into the room later (I don't know how much later than 8pm) and Ramona asks what is for dinner.  LuMann says "What dinner?" It's already done and they had their sent to their room. Or they had wine sent to their room - I guess that is the same thing to Ramona and Sonja...dinner=wine.

Ramona said that the wine was a 5:00 snack and everyone keeps calling each other "darling."  For those who didn't graduate from Condescending U, they must be taking evening courses.

Sonja walks away quietly and Ramona seems to wander around trying to find the exit.  LuMann gets up to storm off.   Oh wait, Ramona comes back with plates full of the "snacks" she was talking about.

It seems as though no one knew when dinner was except LuMann, Kelly and Cindy.  Jill had shown up earlier but was gone the whole time finding Diet Coke? She comes in the room at the end and says that she's starving. Where has she been?

Ramona pulls the apology "I'm sorry you feel hurt."  That's not an apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you" is an apology.

Oh - it's 9:30pm. Why didn't someone just call up to their room or go and get them? They waited an hour and a half because maybe some food was sent to their rooms earlier in the day?


The next day is packing day.  Jill and Ramona talk again. It is a much calmer situation. They say they will let bygones by bygones and try to be more sensitive to each other's feelings. We'll see.



Back in NYC Mario and Simon are out playing pool. Some woman joins them and Simon takes a picture of Mario posing with her.  Bad timing there, probably.


Belly dancing. Ramona in a bikini top. Enough said.

It is the night for the ladies to wear their designer dresses. They get their makeup done. They actually all look really great.

LuMann wants to everyone to say their favorite part of the trip and Alex starts going on and on about feelings. For some reason LuMann keeps saying "yahabibi".

Jersey Shore: Cheese and Poop (from 3/3)

Aw crap. I forgot Sammi came back at the end of last week. Greeeaaaat.  Ronnie is pissed about her coming back too.

I think the guys are having some sort of Sock Hop because they are all walking around the living room in their socks and all you see is a bunch of high top sneakers around the room. I did see a spray bottle so maybe they are shining them up.

They are making fun of Sammi by guessing what she's asking...Did Ron go to the club? Did he dance? Did he talk to girls? Did Pauly and Vinny talk to girls? Did Ron talk to the waitress?

The sad thing is - she probably did ask all of these questions.

Everyone gets ready to go out, Sammi in a purple dress with her bra showing in the back, JWoww in a pink corset-type top with her boob KABLOW popping out, hairspray all around and Mike in 80s looking black jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray vest. Do people really look like this out at clubs nowadays? I'm not all up in here with Mom Jeans or anything but I suppose I'm out of the loop.

At the club, Ron is acting like Sam...stalking her. Snooki is having feelings for Vinny. She's worried that Vinny is going to take someone home.

Meanwhile, Vinny is talking to a Dominican girl named Laura who tells him she wants to have ten of his babies right now. How is that any kind of pick up line? Yes, having babies means you have to have sex but why hit on someone by talking about having his babies?

"Oooohh yeah, I can't wait to get stretch marks from growing your baby inside me."

"You are so hot, I won't even complain when I get hemorrhoids when I'm pregnant with your baby."

"Please take me home tonight and knock me up so I can throw up for a few months, gain 50 lbs. and then sue you for child support."

Awesome.

Vinny and Pauly take home Laura and some other girl. They don't go to the smoosh room so they each are in their twin size beds hooking up with these girls in the same room. Classy!

Sam and Snooki head home. I can see more of Sam's dress and I'm beginning to think she borrowed it from one of those Bratz dolls because it is THAT small.

The two girls run to Vinny & Pauly's room to see if they brought chicks home and you can clearly see Vinny banging the girl in the bed. GROSS. Ronnie carries Snooki and Sammi out of the room. He tries to talk Snooki out of caring and he's actually making sense. Sammi tells him he's acting like a drunk fuck. She apparently doesn't like reasonable human beings. Not that Ron is reasonable at any other point in time...I think she's just trying way too hard to sound like a badass.

In a quick shot of the bedroom you see the girl holding her underwear above her head trying to straighten them out to put back on. Why bother? It isn't like you have anything to hide after hooking up with a guy you just met on national television.  Shortly after sexing it up the guys call a cab for the unpaid hookers.

JWoww and Deena are walking...er...stumbling home from the club. JWoww has to pee so she's going between two cars. Deena says she has a napkin in her purse so she follows her and stands very close to her as she's squatting. Of course, pee gets on her foot. Why the hell are you standing in the line of her pee puddle? Any girl knows there is a certain distance you must stand when another girl is peeing outside.

The next day everyone besides Snooki are going bowling. Deena drives one of the vehicles and I think I'm fearing for the passengers lives. She takes a sharp turn and a Red Bull spills under JWoww's butt so she is forced to lift it up in the air on the ride. Deena hands JWoww her purse and says "Check in here, I might have a napkin." I hope she doesn't have a napkin in there because if she does, it's probably full of JWoww's pee.

Awesome, the toilet is clogged again. You'd think with all the drinking they do that they wouldn't have such solid poops. Ron is heading in to check it out so he stuffs toilet paper in his nostrils. Apparently simply breathing through his mouth is out of the question.

He also puts ziplock baggies on his hands to lift up the toilet seat. It is a frightening sight. Mike is standing in the hallway cowering behind Vinny as if there is a rabid raccoon in the bathroom and he's afraid it is going to jump on him. Pauly D (love him!) yells, "The water's green bro!" and they think it might be algae growing on the poop.

I'm having the same problem I did with watching Survivor last night when they went underwater and I held my breath. I'm breathing through my nose as if I might be able to smell the green poop through the television.

The plumbers arrive and if they can't unclog it they may have to take the entire toilet out. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING? One of the plumbers is surprised that there are no maggots.

I'm officially gagging.

Someone flushed a pair of underwear, announces the plumber. However, the Jersey Shore roommates are calling it something else...*BEEP*-tee.

I'm going to google it...ok lots of people apparently didn't know what was said because it was already all over the web. I guess it was a wife beater but they call it a "Guinea-tee". I've never heard that expression in my life. Oh what the Jersey Shore teaches me!  I think ribbed white undershirt tanks are the only articles of clothing that are named with offensive terms.

I'm afraid of what that wife beater was used for to get it flushed down the toilet. Seriously afraid.
Everyone except Snooki, Ron and Sam go to the bar. Mike is talking to a girl who I think doesn't own a brush. She says she's 21 but he doesn't believe her so she shows him her ID. People are getting carded to hook up with The Situation now.

Back home, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi decide to put a bunch of different cheese in Mike's bed. Slices of American cheese, grated Parmesan and cream cheese. I'm still breathing through my mouth.

Sam says "schmear" and Ron says "schmorgasbord". My ears are bleeding. Someone needs to schtrangle or schlap them. Now.

Mike takes the uncombed girl home and they climb into bed of cheese. Snooki worries that they'll get pinkeye from hooking up with the cheese so nearby.

Days later they are out on the porch talking about how dirty and smelly it is out there (there are flies everywhere). If it stinks on the porch which is OUTSIDE with ocean air, imagine what it must smell like inside.

Anyway Mike says "Speaking of smell...I had the chick over the other night. I had to kick her out." He says she smelled like grated cheese. The thing is, I know there was cheese under the sheets but I'm pretty sure the uncombed girl smelled like cheese too.

Mike thinks that you can't get an STD from getting a hummer.  JWoww calls a health clinic to confirm to Mike that you CAN get herpes and she also tells the man answering the phone that they had a girl there that smelled like grated cheese. He tells them she probably had a yeast infection.

I'm going to throw up and I don't think I'm eating cheese for a long time.

The Real Housewives of Miami (from 3/1)

Episode two of Fashion Nightmares!

Adriana tells her long haired fiance that the other girls "double dog dared" her to walk the catwalk at the fashion show the other night. Um no, they were mortified by you, they did not double dog dare you, that was the kid in A Christmas Story daring the other kid to stick his tongue to the frozen pole.

I'll blame the language barrier but Adriana's impression of someone stabbing you in the back ("chu chung") sounded like a slot machine, not the "reeee reeee reeee" that you would normally hear when someone makes the stabbing motion. 

She believes that Larsa and Cristy are jealous of her and she tries to explain how she doesn't feel that way about women friends, her fiance is not listening, he's staring at her boobs. His response to her statement is "You look so beautiful, I love this top on you."


Lea is planning some sort of charity event she's calling a "gala". Her hair looks like someone just rubbed a balloon on it and she clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the word BLEND in reference to eyeshadow. Anyway, a ticket to get in is $500. That better mean they have mini-quiches or I want my money back.

Lea is to this show as Vicki is to the OC show. She works ever so hard, not many people can keep up her pace and to take time out for a luncheon is unheard of!  She claims that for three months during the planning of this gala she works from 6am until about 2 or 3am.  I guess this is why she doesn't have time to browse fashion magazines because she's the worst dressed of them all.


Alexia is an executive editor of Venue, a Spanish magazine.  That's all I got from her segment.


Cristy, the super proud Latino Cuban girl, is hosting this week's cooking/drinking/eating event at her place. I hope she talks about where she got those bracelets because I want them. Anyway, she has some crazy Chef Pepin there who is supposedly well known and on TV. However, Larsa points out - he's using a crock pot to make the food. WHAT'S WRONG WITH A CROCK POT? That helps stuff to really soak up the flavor, no?  (I wrote that with a Spanish accent).

Adriana also thinks it is a joke because some of the food is in cans, it isn't fresh. I feel more white trash every day watching these shows - but I'm happy about that. My friends don't judge me for using crock pots or having Ellios pizza (right?).

When the ladies are eating their Cuban meal outside, Adriana takes a phone call from her fiance who ends up hanging up on her "in her face". No, Adriana...if he hung up on you in your face that would mean he would have to be standing right there in your face...hence the term "in your face".  Anyway, she knew about her son getting out of school early so she called the school and asked them to keep her son there anyway until she was done with her luncheon. WHAT? When she asked her fiance to pick him up in some parking lot, he hung up on her. I sort of don't blame him - get off your ass, put the drink down and pick up your fucking kid!

I like Alexia right now because she's agreeing with Adriana's fiance. She tells Adriana - you're not working, he is. Holy shit, a real housewife that makes sense!

Cristy and Larsa tell Adriana to put the guy on lockdown for the rest of the week and he should be kissing her ass. I believe the exact opposite. This guy left work to pick up HER son while she sits around drinking and eating with her friends.  Ugh, these women are self centered. The difference between their self-centeredness and the other franchises is the Miami women are not only snobby about their money - they think they are gifts to the world and everyone should bow to them.


On some sweaty rooftop, Larsa says that it is so hot that she just wants to wear her bikini all the time. Her friend Mary who looks like JLo says "And you do, considering how short the shorts are that you're wearing."  Larsa says they are LONG and stands up to show this. I shit you not I have underwear bigger than these shorts...and no they aren't granny panties either.

Larsa just used the "R" word to describe one of her nannies. I don't like her.  Now we're in her closet which is the size of my entire house.


I really feel like the women on this show are acting too much. I'm not saying the other Real Housewives are all that "real" either, but all of the Miami women seem like they are putting on a show for the cameras.



Back to Lea and her gala planning. Joe Francis, the sweaty ballsack of celebrities is attending. (For those who don't know, he's the disgusting man who created "Girls Gone Wild". He's gross.) Apparently Lea's husband is his lawyer.

Marysol is getting ready for the gala and she tells her makeup artist that she wants eyeliner inside the bottom...he tells her this is not in fashion anymore. Who knew? I told you I was white trash.  I will say that her dress is somewhat pretty - especially considering what I've seen so far.


Lea is wearing a necklace that I think is used to hook tractor trailers up to the cab. It is enormous and hideous.  Her dress is ugly, her hair is terrible. I'm so confused.

IT'S GLORIA ESTEFAN!!!! I was wondering when she would show up. I wonder if she has The Miami Sound Machine with her! I'm so excited...1,2,3,4 come on baby say you love me...5,6,7 times! Maybe there will be a Conga line later!

Cristy, blaming a flat tire, is tardy for the party . (Ok Kim Zolciak IS attending this event so someone should get her to sing.)  I'm pretty sure Cristy is late because she didn't pay for a ticket.  She also brings two friends! I'm embarrassed for her.  One of Lea's "crew" tells her about the crashing and Lea plans to invoice them. I suddenly like her despite her awful clothes.  Cristy thinks she's just stopping by to show support but she didn't buy a ticket - FOR CHARITY!! She knows that her being there makes it look to everyone else, all the celebs, Gloria Estefan and all like she DID pay and give to the charity.

Cristy is LAME.

I don't know how this season is going to go yet. The whole "acting" that is going on by them is annoying. In one of the last scenes Cristy even looked at the camera to make sure that it was filming her kiss some people on the cheek. Blech. We'll see.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Parts 1 & 2 (from 2/13 and 2/20)

To quote Andy Cohen “Hold onto your wigs!!”

Hooray!!! Kandi’s hair is great, no bent broom look!!! Maybe she read my blog. he he  Now, her outfit and her necklace are another story…but at least the broom is gone for now.

The first clip is about the housewives’ bodies. I’m just realizing now that the Atlanta Housewives have the most normal bodies of all the franchises. Well, I wouldn’t say normal since lots of it was paid for, but at least they all have some shape to them instead of thin, thin, thin like Camille, Gretchen, Bethenny, Kelly or the White House crasher lady.

Clarification on Kim’s “boob job” from the season finale. Apparently she switched from saline to silicone and moved her “nipple up a little bit”. Hmm.

She is still claiming to be 32 years old. Andy told her that she looks younger with no/minimal makeup on and Kim says she’s heard that a lot. So Andy (love him sometimes) says “Then why do you cake it?”

This isn’t the greatest example but I think she looks a lot better and younger when she’s not “all done up”. If you saw the episode when they all went to the spa, you’ll probably agree with me.

Kandi admitted to getting liposuction in her waist and stomach area. She then claims that she didn’t know she had to diet to maintain it. So wait, she thought they sucked the fat out of you once and you are immune to fat? If that were the case, I’d be saving up for some lip right now.

Nene has some real hatred for Kim, it seems more so than in the past. I see a big blowup coming! Let’s hope so. After the disappointing Beverly Hills Reunion I need some drama.

Onto Cynthia and her lack of enthusiasm for her wedding. We find out that her mother and sister didn’t tell her about the fact that they hid her marriage license until she saw the show! I can’t believe they didn’t tell her, how awful to find out your mom and sister tried to sabotage your wedding day by seeing it on television many months later.

YEAH! Onto clips of Phaedra. I love the way she talks and the random things she comes up with. “Penis ointment?”

Well that was disappointing, they didn’t even show her talking about the belly button on the baby?

Somehow Nene and Phaedra are arguing and it involves Bobby Brown.

What the hell, I have been saying how I want to be friends with Nene Leakes but so far on this reunion I really don’t like her. She’s not being funny and she’s being snotty and mean. Isn’t is usually the other way around? At the reunion they are all nice and claim the show edited them to make them look bad? It seems the opposite with Nene.

Talking about Sweetie now, Kim’s assistant. I think it is hilarious that Kim’s daughter was more sad that Sweetie was going to be gone during Kim’s bus tour. 

We hear from Kim that she’s coming out with a book that tells people “how to land a Big Poppa”…so how to be a gold digging mistress. Lovely. I think her daughters should be looking up to Sweetie instead.

For some reason people think it is racist for Kim to talk to Sweetie the way she does. However, Sweetie probably makes more than most people I know from being her assistant and I 100% believe that Kim would talk to Sweetie that way if she were white.

The show is almost over and Nene and Kim are just starting to argue. I think I will continue this recap with Part 2 and post it only if part 2 is juicier than this one.

***

Ok here I am reviewing part 2 from last night (2/20).

Here we are flashing back to the conversation about putting sugar in your vagina to make it sticky. I don’t get that…isn’t the point to make it NOT sticky?

Plus, any time someone talks about food and sex together, I just picture the disgusting scene in Don’t Be a Menace…and that’s just wrong.

EVERYONE: Stop saying va-jay-jay. Seriously.  Stop.

Next, embarrassing flashbacks of Sheree’s dates with the “doctor” who supposedly got his PhD online.

Now some clips on the housewives as moms. It seems as though most of the kids are doomed, except maybe Kandi’s daughter.  This talk about kids and their missing fathers is way too deep for a Real Housewives Reunion.

Of course, I just want crazy drama – not this real life stuff that affects the children. Lets move on! I almost want to fast forward through it but I’m worried I’ll miss something.

Is it awful that I want to buy some Christian Louboutins just so everyone knows by their red bottoms? I’ll take these. Size 8. Thanks.

Now, we’re onto Phaedra’s pregnancy. During the season she claimed that she didn’t really know when her due date was. She claimed around 7 months that the baby already weighed 8 lbs so she was further along.

Of course, when she went in to have her C-section, the doctor said that she was FULL TERM. Phaedra still tried to play it off like other doctors have different theories. This is all because she wasn’t married when she got pregnant. Allegedly.

For some reason Phaedra thinks that asking when your due date is, it is all about gossiping.  She also claims she didn’t know the due date because she had fertility issues. She’s so full of shit.

Another controversy surrounding Phaedra is that her husband is an ex-convict, while Phaedra is a lawyer. Apollo was in prison for racketeering, organized crime. I thought it had something to do with stealing cars. I’m still confused. He’s out now, I guess that’s all that matters.

“The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” hasn’t been released yet by Kim or Kandi because they have not come to an agreement.

Someone wrote in and asked why none of the housewives will admit that Kim can’t sing. No one will either confirm nor deny except Phaedra who says that they all know Kim is not a vocalist but she has some “curb appeal”. Take that as you wish.

Kandi estimates that “Tardy for the Party” has made between $80,000  and $100,000.  She reveals that all she has received is about $3,000 for it. To quote Nene, “That’s just CRAZY.”

This season started off with Kim and Nene as friends again and all was right with the world. When Nene did an interview with Jermaine Dupris, she slammed Kim a little bit. Kim took that as Nene being jealous. So when Nene joined Kim and Kandi on the bus tour, Nene let Kim have it. This was the beginning of the end.

Nene seemed so incredibly angry that there must have been more going on. Even now, during the reunion, Nene is not the funny lady that I want to be friends with. It makes me a little teary eyed.

Nene is stone faced and says she has no soft spot in her heart for Kim.

What’s next for the ladies? Andy Cohen wants to know.

Sheree is revamping her “She By Sheree” clothing line (she’s been working on this clothing line for a while now – it might be time to give up).

Kandi’s CD is doing well and she’s thinking about coming out with her own line of sex toys.

Cynthia is thinking of opening a modeling school.

Kim is having a baby in four months or so and working on her wig line.

Nene is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice (which means I’ll have to blog about that!).

Phaedra is in the process of buying a funeral home.

Silence.

The end. Blah! All in all this reunion pretty much blew it was even difficult to make it entertaining to write about.

Well, onto the next franchise – Miami!

The Real Housewives of Atlanta from 1/23

I love that the ‘previously on’ clips had a quick one of Kim screeching “whooaa whooaa whooaa” at her performance at the strip mall in Florida.

We start off with the continuation of Nene and Kim’s fight. Nene threatens to toss Kim out the winda’. They are arguing about the fact that Kim wants her assistant “Sweetie” and Kandi’s tour manager “Don Juan” to stay with them for the weekend. Nene thought it was just a girls weekend for Cynthia. Insert many, many voices talking over each other here.

I want to say I feel bad for Kandi but what the fuck was she thinking going on a bus tour with Smokey Smokerson?

The girls are all meeting up in Miami for a little “bachelorette weekend” for Cynthia before she marries her old man.  If that is even going to happen. They seem to be fighting a lot lately. He might ground her so the wedding might be off.

They are staying at some friend of Kim’s estate and I was surprised to see a dinosaur out front. Maybe it’s like a Jurassic Park themed weekend?! I can’t wait.

Arriving at Dino Land, Nene gets off the bus walking like a giraffe or an elephant…must’ve been a long ride. She and Kim continue their argument as Kim and Sweetie smoke away.

Is it just me or are you all clearing your throats constantly while watching Kim and Sweetie smoke like chimneys? I feel like I smoked a pack just watching them.

Kandi’s hair has got to go. It’s like one of those bristle brooms that just got bent from overuse.

Back to the “estate”. It is really strange. Was that a random old man sitting on a bench or was that a statue? There are stuffed dogs and pigs sitting on toilets? I guess it isn’t Jurassic Park.
Oh and there’s a giraffe!!! LOL.

P Diddy, Gloria Estefan and Rosie O’Donnell are neighbors of the taxidermy man. Barbeque time!!
After the commercial Kim and Sweetie are smoking again. My throat hurts, they need to quit. Even worse I think they are Newports. Now my chest hurts.

Is Cynthia modeling astronaut-wear? No…those are just her sunglasses.

After an awkward dinner in Maniac Mansion we have made it to the day of performances.

Nene keeps saying “I thought it was a girls weekend but everyone’s here so I called Diana”…is Diana a man? Her reasoning behind inviting Diana is that other people invited men so she can.

The taxidermy guy is licking his lips at Kim in her little yellow romper as she’s smoking butts. Sexy.
Cough…cough…phlegm.

Off to the last show on the bus tour…where is this one, at a 7/11? Kandi brushed out her broom bristles for this one so it must be somewhere fancier. Oh yes, it is on a boat dock.

Smokin’ more butts…cough cough.

Kim “performs” ‘Tardy for the Party’ in her yellow romper and Phaedra thinks she did well because she shook her “little” boobs. Not sure where she was looking. 

Is the DJ continually playing the sound of breaking glass on purpose? I thought so during Kim’s performance but he kept doing it during Kandi’s. It makes sense to ME with the breaking glass because Kandi’s voice is very screechy…but you’d think she would have been insulted.

Back to the house of horrors, statues and dead animals.

Diana has arrived and I think she is a woman…but I’m not 100% sure yet. I don’t remember her at all but Kim has called her The Hulk. 

I don’t like Diana already. He is claiming that he doesn’t like drama but he’s laughing and pointing and talking down to Kim. He doesn’t fit in with the ladies.

more butts…cough cough

Who works out on a vacation weekend? Not Kim…she’s busy smoking butts and having her period.

Now we’re off to Cynthia’s bathing suit runway show. I hope she’s not having her period.

I was as surprised as Nene at how much of a butt Cynthia had!! She looks better than I expected!

But here are Sheree and Phaedra saying she’s fat. Sheree said that Cynthia could never model her line because her samples are size 4 and 6 and that butt is clearly a 12.

Phaedra said she looked like a pretzel dunked in cottage cheese. I’m not sure on that analogy…it makes a big difference if she means small pretzel sticks or big rods or a big soft pretzel? Insults shouldn’t be so difficult to understand. 

If they think she’s a size 12 and cottage cheesy, they really need to look at my body even 8 months after having a baby. Its like cottage cheese dunked in cottage cheese with purple lines.

Smokin’ butts!

Back to the museum of wax and taxidermy for another meal.

Cynthia is now remembering all the stress she has about the expensive wedding and I’m continually getting annoyed. When you don’t have money, you don’t spend it on a giant party to show everyone that you’re marrying your father.

There are people living on the streets and starving…here is Cynthia crying because she probably won’t be going on a honeymoon with Daddy Peter and she needs to pay for 200 guests to attend her wedding. Boo fucking hoo.

I’m glad Kandi got rid of the broom bristles but now she has a two toned mullet. Kim needs to pass some wigs on.

Phaedra “We’ve got strippers on deck”! Best line of the night!

Man, after this depressing day I can’t imagine the party being any kind of fun. Oh wait, Lawrence is going to do imitations and he is perfect at ALL of them!!!!

Uh oh, sex talk time. Blow jobs. Bad breath. Stripper time!

Phaedra is an entertainment lawyer…so she represents “entertainers of the night” aka gross male strippers. Do strippers often need representation? 

Ew and they are sweaty too. Can I sue Phaedra for bringing sweaty strippers?

Season finale next week…Cynthia’s wedding drama. Daddy’s drunk and Kandi’s bristles are back.

Whoomp there it is!!!