Jersey Shore: GTB...Gym, Tan, Boring (from 3/10)

Vinny is wearing all white today. For a second I thought he even had white gloves on but I am not that lucky. He and Pauly D. are headed to Staten Island to visit Vinny's family.  Pauly D. did not realize that the word Island in the name "Staten Island" actually meant...you guessed it...an island.

Everyone takes off for the day and they abandon The Situation so he hangs out with JWoww's dogs and basically lets them eat any food they have in the house. Pizza out of the trash, peanut butter, Fluff. They start peeing and pooping all over the house and Mike is very excited about this. 

At Vinny's house it looks like Thanksgiving without the turkey. It makes me so incredibly hungry...except when they cut back to the shore house and the dogs are pooping all over the house. Diet still on track. Dog poop will do that to me every time.

JWoww smells the poop immediately when they return home. I'm surprised they can actually smell it because doesn't it always smell like poop in there?

Deena is a better special agent than Phillip from Survivor. She smells Mike's cologne on one of the dogs. Why is he wearing cologne while laying in bed all day? Oh, it is probably from his bed since we know he doesn't wash his sheets - just sprays them with Axe.  That cheese must be growing mold under there by now.

Anyway, nothing is said any further about the dogs being out smelling like poop and Mike.

Time to go out for the night. Snooki dances with a guy and asks him his name and his last name. She needs to make sure it has a vowel at the end of it just in case she wants to have babies with him.

Ronnie suddenly starts making out with Sammi. I smell a fight coming on.

Everyone is walking home either with roommates or their sex partners. Snooki falls down and cuts up her knee. The guy helps her with bandaids so she decides to let him have sex with her. He didn't even pay for the bandaids.  Why buy the bandaids when you can get the STDs for free?

The next day Vinny gets spray tanned. While getting sprayed down he's just in his underwear. His feet are HUGE. So I guess Snooki wasn't exaggerating. 

On the way home JWoww's boyfriend Roger is in the car in front of them. He doesn't acknowledge her beeping the horn and even goes through a red light to get away. He did "the dip". The guys say that he probably has a girl in the car with him. As soon as she gets home she leaves a message on Roger's voicemail basically breaking up with him for what she thinks might have happened. Overreact much? Later on Roger calls and tells JWoww that he was on his way to get his hair cut and there was no girl in the car with him.

The guys are playing out on the big porch with little toy helicopters and kites. The girls decide that this is the perfect time to bomb them with water balloons. They go up on the deck from a room upstairs and proceed to throw only 2 water balloons, one of which breaks in Deena's hand prior to letting it go.

Am I the only one who didn't realize the porches were next to each other? I thought they were on opposite sides of the house.  I guess I never pay attention to the arial shots of the house so I can't picture the set up.  Must pay attention next time. 

What am I saying? Why do I care? I'm writing this later than usual so maybe I'm tired. I really don't need to know the layout of the house of whores.

The guys plan to lock the girls out on the porch but suddenly change their mind and start running down the stairs. Pauly D. is yelling "Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!"  They get up to the other porch and hit the girls back with some water ballons. 

Everyone is making tshirts out of garbage bags and the war is on. It ends with the guys throwing Snooki and Sammi into the hot tub and Pauly D. yells "O'Doyle Rules!"  I <3 him more every week!

Ronnie is trying to get back with Sammi. Sammi tells him that she does want to work it out but she's scared. So he says that he will prove it to her that he's changed. I don't think there is a person on earth besides Ronnie that thinks they can work on their relationship.

At a zoo or something, Ronnie, Sammi and Sammi's friend get to meet a penguin. The woman asks everyone what kind of animal a penguin is and the three look at each other and whisper, "Mammal?" A child who is probably 7 years old answers instead and is correct when he/she says that a penguin is a bird. 

The wings are a dead giveaway so the kid didn't cheat but when you have tanning oil and alcohol running through your veins you don't really notice the obvious. You know, that birds have wings, toilets are not hampers, flushing is super important and that sheets should be cleaned every once in a while - especially when you bring home various trash from the club.

Imagine what those sheets and mattresses must be like. Sweat, maybe some pee, sexual secretions, makeup, spray tan and probably some pasta. Plus the cheese factory under Mike's.

Back at home, Mike gives Snooki a facial. Get your mind out of the gutter...an actual facial cleansing mask.

"It takes me 25 minutes to do my haihhh!" I <3 Pauly D.

Everyone is out at Karma. A friend of Mike's who has the unfortunate name of Arvin, asks Mike where Sam is and tells him that she texted him a week ago to ask him to meet her there. Arvin proves it to Mike by showing him the texts she sent him.

Mike is very excited about this juicy gossip because apparently catching Sam texting a guy is much, much worse than when Ronnie tripled kissed. Which, by the way, is NOT kissing...it's just three people touching tongues and getting spit all over their faces. Their faces must STINK after that. Seriously - lick the back of your hand and smell it. Now imagine someone else who has been drinking, smoking butts and doing who knows what with their mouths licking your hand and you smelling it. Gross.

Mike tells JWoww and she asks to see the texts as well. Both of them spread the information to all of the roommates. Snooki and Deena tell Sammi about the situation. Sam denies it and JWoww says that she saw the messages in the BBM (Blackberry Messenger). Ronnie is pissed and starts fighting with Sam all over again. Sam yells at Mike for starting drama and he says "You got caught!"

I wish they would show us the BBMs.

The guys are back at home.

Pauly: "GTF...gym, tanning, find out who Sam is texting behind Ronnie's back...helloooo???"

Someone mentions that she claims Arvin is her friend.

Pauly: "GTI...gym, tanning, I'm not buying it!"

The girls get home from the club and Sam confronts Mike again. More arguing between Sam and Ron. I'm so over this.  And although I can't stand both of them - I'm on Ron's side with this argument. She never mentions this friend before or talked to him when she and Ron were together, but the minute she goes home she gets back in touch with him?

She shouldn't text the guy just because his name is Arvin. I wouldn't. Maybe he's ok with being called Alex, which is what JWoww called him at the club.

Mike (in interview): "Sam is definitely playin Ron out. Ron is calling for roses, crying on my shoulder, listening to Michael Bolton and she's texting other dudes."

Normally I would have thought that was funny but it came out scripted like Mike had been waiting to use that Michael Bolton joke for a while. I picture it written on a little piece of paper in his pocket. "Those was jokes!"

My DVR cut off during Ron and Sam arguing. I almost wish it had cut off earlier. This episode SUCKED!

Reader's Feedback - Tootin' My Horn!

I just wanted to post some comments I've gotten on some of the blog posts and some other sites where I've linked the blog (mostly Teen Mom recaps).

I love the positive feedback!! Thank you all so much for reading.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!

I love the blog! You pick up on the things that I don't see anyone else writing about.

ROFLMAO, I'm in my office at work trying to muffle laughter and getting weird looks as people hear me over here snorting.

This is hilarious! Thanks for sharing - I'll start to follow the blog!

Stalking it right now. Funny shit.

LMAO, I died every time you called him "Reefer". Great blog!

Oh my gosh! Reading your blog is so much better than actually watching the show! It has me cracking up so much my 3 yr old son told me "don't pee your pants mom! " haha Thanks for sharing this Hilarious, loved everything about it!

new favorite blogger! lol

Fabo recap, as usual :)

made me laugh so hard!

Ha! Genius!

I'll be checking this out again!

really great blog, can't wait till next week

fucking fabulous! love love love love love love it!

I love you blog and I always read after I have watched the show and a lot of what you write is exactly what I was thinking while watching the show!

haha, perfect!

Great recap!! I always LOL.

Hahahaaaaaaa!

funny!!!

Awesome...love your commentary :) I totally agree!!!

Love it! Good job :)

hahaha hilarious!

I love reading your blogs because it's what everyone's thinking and you're actually saying it! Your quick witted humor is what gets me, I know you're just writing what you're thinking at the time and it's a riot!

Kudos once again

Haha!! It was great!! I literally laughed out loud at this one!!

Another good blog Erika, always love your take on it!

So I loved this post, you really cracked me up with your ending.

Anyhow, loved your review, cannot wait until next weeks recaps

You seriously crack me up! Can't wait to read more!

Yay!! I am so excited that you have decided to blog, since you crack me up so often on a daily basis

I think I actually look forward to your blog more that I look forward to the show!

Jo's going to be even MORE miserable now...

Click here

Teen Mom 2’s Jo Rivera Arrested for Pot Possession - OK! Magazine - The First for Celebrity News



(Thanks Katie Temple for the link!)

Survivor: Redemption Island: Covert Matters (from 3/9)

Ah, first night vision shot is a bunch of bats. This doesn't scare me as much as the snakes, spiders and frogs but I'm still worried.  Whenever I see bats I always picture Francis from The Goonies making a "cross" with his fingers to ward them away - like they were vampires.

Crazy Philip and his pink underwear are sweeping the dirt. What is the point in that?  Boston Rob is calling them "saggy-bottom panties" now. Finally someone says something about his underwear and they are as grossed out as I am. Rob calls them pink tightie-whities but they are really tightie-pinkies.

The tribe gets their note about sending two people to Redemption Island to watch the duel. Phillip definitely wants to visit because of his background as a "special agent with the United States government"...and us Americans lower our heads in embarrassment that Tightie-Pinkie was some kind of secret agent. What one has to do with the other is beyond me. Big Boobs goes with him.

Back at the purple tribe Russell's two pawns are sunbathing and still worshipping him.  Hairy Ralph reveals to all except the two that he has the immunity idol and Ralph is headed to watch the duel with one of the girls.

Matt and Russell are dueling on Redemption Island by playing some sort of Dominoes game. The way I play Dominoes anyway...setting them up standing up and knocking them down. Matt wins and Russell is crying. He makes some comments about his team basically sucking and Ralph decides to tell him and the others that are there that he found the immunity idol 15 seconds into the game. When Russell asks him to show him, Ralph starts rummaging through his bag and his teammate whispers "Don't do this" so Ralph says "I faked you!" I laughed out loud. "I faked you!" I'm going to start using that in my daily life...with Ralph's accent minus his hairy body.

Jeff confirms with Ralph that what he said about finding the idol was a lie. Mr. Secret Agent Tightie-Pinkie starts hollering that it wasn't a lie. I don't believe I've ever used the word hollering before but that is the only way I can describe Phillip's outburst.

Russell reveals to the orange team members who has an alliance on the purple team. Boy are the orange team members lucky that the super secret agent was there to decipher the cryptic clues.

While the duel was going on, Boston Rob plans a beach picnic with everyone and then pretends to be constipated and heads off into the jungle to secretly look for the immunity idol. For some reason even though I know he was lying about it I'm still grossed out picturing him squatting in the woods pushing out a hard poop.

He does find the idol up in a tree and while jumping to get it his sweat lands on the camera. Stinky.


At purple camp, Russell's pawns are for some reason still defending him and are upset that people are happy he's gone.

Phillip tells Big Boobs Kristina that they will NOT tell the tribe who has the idol on the other team. I am not sure of the logic on this one but I love that Kristina's response was "Well you have experience in these covert matters Phil, so whatever you think." Covert matters. hee hee

When the tribe ask if Russell revealed who had the idols or anything Mr. SSATP007 (Super Secret Agent Tightie-Pinkie 007) stammers "No...it was really weird."  I really hope he wasn't a spy.

Phillip tries to suck up to Rob by telling him everything that he said he was going to hold back.  This guy is awful. I'm thinking that his government job was actually just in his head...like in the movie A Beautiful Mind. Sorry...that was a spoiler to A Beautiful Mind. But if you haven't seen it by now you probably won't.


Immunity challenge time and it is sponsored by Craftsman/Sears. At one point in this little obstacle course two saws have to fall from the sky. Scary.

Grant on the yellow team basically flies through the air when he runs. He's the ex-NFL player. He's not as fast with the sawing. But he looked like a ballerina leaping through the course.

Purple team wins immunity and some food in a box from Sears. I think a lot of them will be pooping in the woods tonight!


At orange camp Phillip is trying to give a pep talk and everyone stares blankly. Phillip goes back into hunting mode to spear crabs and the tribe discuss voting Kristina or Phillip out.

I like Grant with his agile ballerina leaps and white guy dreads. He's my new crush.

Phil 007 is again making a fool of himself at tribal council. He's going on and on about how great he is and how he was honorably discharged from the army, yada yada yada. Don't they have to do psychological examinations to get on this show?

Kristina is voted out and is headed to Redemption Island.

The Real Housewives of Miami No more recaps from me...

I've decided that this franchise SUCKS. Everyone dresses badly, Cristy acts for the camera, Marysol's mother SCARES me and they are all just boring.

Sorry to anyone that was expecting more from me...but you probably think it sucks too.

Teen Mom: Eyeliner, Holes and Whores (from 3/8)

Leah and Corey get their shipment of Ali's glasses in the mail. Holy shit she is cute. 

Leah heads out to look at wedding dresses. She comes out wearing one and looks absolutely gorgeous but her friends and her sister just kind of smile. Corey's mom is there and she looks like a deer in headlights...a deer wearing a shit ton of eyeliner.

Holy Frizz-Ease Leah's mother's hair looks worse than ever. She has taken a wrong turn trying to copy Leah's old look - the curly hair with the straight slicked bangs. At least Leah's bangs were side swept...her mother's are parted in the middle.

Leah's hair, on the other hand, looks fabulous. You'd never know she lived in a non-mobile-mobile home along a river of Grey Poupon.

Today is the day for the MRI results. I feel like I'm going to throw up I'm so nervous. The first doctor comes in and I swear he had to duck through the doorway, he's like Frankenstein! The camera even cuts off his head at first because I don't think they were expecting a giant.

There are no abnormalities! The second doctor, who we've seen before, doesn't seem to give Leah and Corey information that is helpful in any way. She needs to see a "genetics" doctor to see if she has any kind of syndrome. Either this guy has the worst bedside manner ever or he is just really uncomfortable being on camera. Or he's nervous because of the giant. We'll never know.

Leah makes an appointment for a second opinion on Ali's MRI. Good idea. You know what's not a good idea? Wearing thick black eyeliner all the way around your eyes.

Earlier in the episode, Leah and Corey made a bet about Ali rolling from her belly to her back. Leah never saw it happen so she doesn't think she can do it. They try it out at Corey's dad and stepmom's house and she rolls over. Yeah!


Jenelle and Reefer are sitting on the beach. She's still rockin' the brass knuckles hemp necklace but now she has some hideous sunglasses on that look like they have the Coco Chanel logo on the side but there's no way. Loco Chanel, maybe.

Reefer says he is going to call his cousin to see if he can crash on his couch. Seriously never has a show talked about or shown more couches. I know I shouldn't be but I'm appalled that Jenelle can't see how much of a loser this guy is. Mooching off everyone, wearing hemp necklaces. Is it awful that when I look at him I smell BO? (And it's not me, I shower and don't wear jewelry that needs to be cut off).

Oh...and now Jenelle is wearing the FUCK bracelet instead of Reefer.

I read an article last week in US Weekly about Jenelle, Barbara and Jace. Barbara says that when Jenelle is home she basically sleeps. The first scene back from the commercial? Jenelle sleeping even though it is clearly daytime and Jace comes running into her room (he's so damn cute). Barbara should be forcing Jenelle to get up with Jace and be a mother.

Jenelle is babysitting her son today. She takes Jace in the car to the store which is against the rules. She's sooooo not getting paid for this babysitting gig.

She meets up with Reefer later on and he's wearing a new shirt, I think. We've never seen it before anyway. He also isn't wearing his deck of cards shorts so maybe he's borrowing clothes from his cousin.

Jenelle suggests they just pick up and drive to New Jersey so Reefer can see his family.

Reefer: "Really? We're gonna up and drive to Jersey?"

Jenelle: "Why not?"

Me: "Because you're a fucking mother Jenelle! Go home and take care of your child!"

Jenelle's grand plan involves using her mom's credit card for gas and food, skipping school, calling out of work and lying to her mother by saying she's going to Myrtle Beach for a concert. Awesome. Barbara will never know. The credit card statement from a Citgo in Jersey won't give it away. Neither will this episode when it airs.

Jenelle goes home, packs a backpack and hopes to slip in and out of the house without her mother noticing. Of course, this doesn't happen. Jenelle leaves without saying goodbye to Jace and he stands in the doorway watching her drive away.  She drives down the street where Reefer is waiting in the grass. His luggage consists of a bottle of water.

During the closing montage with the sad song, Jace is shown sitting at a window looking outside and then cut to Jenelle and Reefer driving to Jersey. 


Chelsea isn't getting any help from Adam - no rent, no child support and he doesn't even want to watch his daughter while Chelsea runs a comb through her hair. Seriously, watch the kid...Chelsea needs to untangle that mess ASAP.

Chelsea's friend comes over and she's sporting jeans with giant holes in the knees. I bet she has holes in her socks too. Fashion!

Later that day Adam pretends to care about Chelsea and asks how school is going but then takes off in the other room to play Xbox. As long as he acts like he likes her every few days, he's all set living free and probably getting laid.

Adam and Chelsea are going to a fair with friends of theirs and their kids. Everyone is wearing jeans with holes in them today except Aubree. Chelsea's friend even has a different pair on. Hole-y jeans are obviously in fashion where they live.

Chelsea buys Adam's ticket to get into the fair. I'm not sure why she even asked if he was buying his own ticket, he doesn't have a job. Adam tells the guy from the other couple that right when they walked in there was a girl standing there that he'd hooked up with and they waved to each other. Chelsea noticed it of course.

She wants to hold Adam's hand and he's saying that he just wants to be left alone. Holy shit I want to rip out those pubic hairs on his chin, he's such an asshole. He's obviously only "with" Chelsea to be on TV and to live for free. She's got the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever seen and can't see that he's an ugly loser.

He said he didn't want to come to this fair because they would obviously see people they've hooked up with in the past. I guess Adam is some kind of fair whore.

Back at home, Chelsea asks Adam to help her by putting Aubree's pajamas on. His response is "What are you going to do, look at me?" Why is it that the baby daddies can't initiate things that need to be done on their own? Either the mom does it or she asks the dad to help. I think I would shit my pants if my husband opened up a jar of baby food or took my son and gave him a bath without me asking.

Adam gives Aubree her bottle as she's laying flat on the floor. Chelsea asks why he can't hold her and he says she likes laying flat. Yup, that can cause ear infections idiot. Plus, who doesn't WANT to bond with their child? Chelsea picks her up and Adam calls her a fucking bitch.  If I were one of the camera men I would risk losing my job just to punch him in the face.

The next day or week, Adam doesn't come home from his friend's house when he was supposed to. It is the middle of the afternoon and Adam says that he fell asleep there. Who goes to their friend's house to take a nap? Probably not Adam, I'm sure he's at the fair getting laid.

He complains that Chelsea doesn't have a job and thinks that being a mom consists of playing with the baby all day.  Someone please rip his nuts off.  He doesn't work nor does he help Chelsea with their daughter.

The next day Adam comes in the day after coming home at 4am. He claims that he's just trying to have some fun. He says that everybody cheats and he's only cheated on her 5 times in the past. It's Chelsea's fault that he cheated because she was "crazy". The only crazy thing about Chelsea right now is that she thinks she loves this guy.

They are breaking up. YEAH!!!!


Ugh...Kailyn.  I'm depressed just thinking about her miserable face. She decides that she is going to tell Jo the truth about her dating someone else.

Jo: "You'll never be welcome in my house anymore. I don't even want to catch you on my fucking block."

Kailyn: "Well you don't have a whole lot of say in that, do you?"

Me: "Uh yes he does bitch!"

Jo: "Oh yeah, and you're a whore."

Jo is right, all Kailyn cares about is having a boyfriend.

After the fight, Kailyn and goofy Jordan (who has shaved and looks better) meet up at a diner to discuss the issue with her living situation. Neither of them smile at all, not once. Even when Kailyn calls her mother and she says it is ok to stay with her. Seriously - look up misery in the dictionary and there's probably a picture of Kailyn, Jo AND Jordan.  Poor Isaac.

I think Kailyn's mom has her nose pierced. She lays down the law and Kailyn can't be on the phone all night or text all the time because the clicking drives her crazy.

Jo is mad at Kailyn so he won't answer her texts even though this obviously means that he isn't seeing Isaac. Way to take it out on the kid, Jo.

Kailyn wants to get the rest of her things from Jo's parents' house but he wants his $600 back that he loaned her for school. Her mom, Suzy goes into the house to confront them and get her things. Jo says he's not telling her where Kailyn's things are because she owes him $600. Janet (Jo's mom) is of course taking her son's side. I am on her side too, I can't see Kailyn paying him back the money so he needs collateral.

Suzy calls the police. Of course the cops can't do anything. They advise both Jo and Kailyn to file for custody. In addition to Kailyn's clothes, Jo is keeping Isaac as collateral.


This episode made me really sad for all of the babies except Leah and Corey's twins. Of course, I feel bad that Ali has these health problems, but at least she has parents who care and love her. The other three babies surely have years and years of therapy ahead of them.

Until next week, straighten your bangs and cut some holes in your jeans because we're headed to the fair to ride the whore carousel.

The Bad Girls Club (from 3/7)

The name of this episode is "Beat Down Barbie".   YEAH!!!

Jenn doesn't look as orange today. She calls her boyfriend and he says that he saw a video of her with two guys. Gross. She's looking up videos on porn sites to verify that she's not online. Gross.

For some reason the Bad Girls are going on Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky. I thought that was a show in the 90s but I guess it is still going. I can't imagine taking advice from any of these girls unless it is a course on how to be annoying.

Kori is talking to Nicki and Lauren Lips and being nice to them. Char pulls her aside and tells her not to do that. Of course Kori explains herself. Char is so ridiculously annoying and without question the most immature person ever on this show.  It is strange that suddenly Kori is very friendly with Nicki and Lauren but since they aren't in the 7th grade they shouldn't care. 

Why do people say "I could care less"? They need to stop and think about it.

Nicki and Lauren go out to meet up with Nicki's "boy toy" Smitty. Lauren is wearing shorts that are SO short that I think she's actually going to get arrested for prostitution. She looks ridiculous. Nicki is going to have sex again. She's nasty. She brags to the camera about how slutty she is. I can practically smell her dirty vagina through the TV. Ew.

Ashley is having a fit because Kori used her credit card to pay for everyone's fast food in the drive thru...probably a total of $8.59. She handed it to her...did she think Kori was going to have the drive thru guy do separate checks?

Jessica and Jenn are talking about how everyone comes to the Bad Girls Club to fix something about themselves. Ummm...no. I believe they do it to live for free, drink their asses off, not work, get laid, fight and become famous.

Jenn calls her boyfriend again and it sounds like they might have broken up. If I were a dude there is no way in HELL my girlfriend would be going on the Bad Girls Club.

The girls split off into three groups to go out for the night. Jenn and Jessica go to a Hooka bar. Char, Kori and Ashley go to one bar and Nicki and Lauren go to another. Char decides that she thinks a guy (who has a girlfriend) is cute and when he talks to Kori, Kori tells him that his breath stinks and he needs a mint.  He gets upset and says "You ruined it, SLUT!"

He comes up to Kori and Ashley a little while later and says that it was a "wrong move". Suddenly the guy's girlfriend throws a drink on Kori. She loves fighting and screaming. My head hurts.  In the limo on the way home Kori argues with Ashley and Char. I want to hit the mute button.

At home Char calls her friend to talk about how she can't help it that people want to follow her, that everyone wants to be around her and she's the life of the party.  She thinks that everyone in the house says her name at least 500 times a day and there are 6 of them. "So that's about 1,100 or 11,000." I laughed out loud at that one. She's delusional AND dumb!

Kori and Ashley are arguing some more and Kori does the clapping move before she pushes Ashley who flies all the way across the room and into the wall. She comes flying back but Jessica blocks it. Char thinks that they are fighting over her.

Ashley punches Kori hard in the face and they start fighting. I actually rewound it three times to see it. Lots of hair pulling and hard punches. Why can't someone punch Char like that?

This may be the most violent fight I've ever seen on the BGC. Lots of guys from the crew break it up and it takes a little while because they are holding each other's hair. They replay the fight a few times and I can't believe how many times each of them hits the other in the face.  Ashley has a black eye! I love it.

This fight made the whole episode better!

Bethenny Ever After (from 3/7)

Bethenny is getting ready to go to an US Weekly party and she's clearly embarrassed about going. A strange man in a crazy outfit comes by to style her up with jewelry. I love the ring she gets.

Poor Jason is trying to nap in the other room while Bethenny's loud in the kitchen with her makeup artist and jewelry guy. He asks what he should wear to the party and B tells him "Not your jeans" because apparently he wears 80s jeans.  He puts them on and they look more like 1993 Gap jeans...but either way, wrong decade. B says that he needs "night time jeans".

I wish I had people to come to my house with jewelry and to do my hair and makeup. I'm lucky if I find my lip balm.

At a burger place on the way to the party, Bethenny sees a guy that had interviewed for her assistant position. The name says he's Nick, Bethenny's foodie friend. I hope she buys him a razor.  Ok that's mean...he's obviously very awkward and uncomfortable.

The next day (or days later, who knows?) Jason and B have a conversation about visiting his parents again. I can't picks sides in this argument but I do feel worse for Jason.

Julie is B's assistant and I have no idea how she does it. I love B but I could NEVER work for her.  But...Julie's getting a 10% raise. I wonder how much she makes.

B's going to be doing the Rachael Ray Show so the producer and his crew stop by and B proceeds to make him very uncomfortable because he's handsome and she makes sure he knows it. Gina, the baby nurse comes in and joins the uncomfortableness by flirting with one of the crew guys and then gets in just a towel before taking a shower.

The Rachael Ray show is a surprise for Julie - she's getting a makeover! Remember when Sally Jessy Raphael had makeovers? I LOVED those. I may have to find some old episodes online because I can't imagine what the styles look like to me now.

I need a makeover. And one of those little burgers they were eating at the beginning of the episode.

Julie reveals the new look on the Rachael Ray show and she looks amazing. I seriously need a makeover.

B and Jason go out for drinks and they pretend that they don't know each other and he "picks her up" at the bar. It's cute.  Against what her therapist told her earlier that day, Bethenny brings up the family situation again with Jason. I stopped paying attention and added some links to Bethenny's products on Amazon. 



  

B is talking WAY too fast, I think she might be drunk.

I'm disappointed with episode 2 but in the previews for next week things seem to pick up.

The Celebrity Apprentice (from 3/6)

I've only watched one season of The Celebrity Apprentice - the one with Dennis Rodman, Jesse James, Khloe Kardashian, etc. I don't even remember finishing it but I assume I must have.

The one and ONLY reason I'm watching this season is because of Nene Leakes. I LOVE Nene!!!

(from www.eonline.com)



Men's Team

David Cassidy - for those who are too young to know who he is, he was on The Partridge Family.

John Rich - apparently a "country music superstar". I don't know country music so I have no clue who he is.

Mark McGrath - he sang that awful, annoying song "I Just Wanna Fly" and is REALLY annoying as the host of Don't Forget the Lyrics.

Richard Hatch - the first winner of Survivor who didn't pay his taxes on his winnings and went to prison for it. Moron.

Jose Canseco - baseball star

Lil Jon - rapper

Meat Loaf - rock and roll "legend". He sings Paradise By the Dashboard Light.

Gary Busey - holy shit I didn't know HE was on it this season! He's an actor and seems absolutely CRAZY. (Click CRAZY to watch a short video of him).

 



Women's Team

Marlee Matlin - Oscar winning actress.

Hope Dworaczyk - Playboy Playmate of the Year

Dionne Warwick - music legend

Star Jones - she used to be on The View and is a former Brooklyn, NY assistant district attorney

Lisa Rinna - the actress with the horrible lips

Nene Leakes - Woot woot!! She's on the Real Housewives of Atlanta and I wish I were her BFF.

Niki Taylor - supermodel

La Toya Jackson - Michael Jackson's sister

First scene - Donald Trump clearly has orange bronzer or foundation on his face and he looks absolutely ridiculous.

(www.i-am-orange.blogspot.com)

I'm so distracted by the orange.

The celebrities go through the charities for which they are playing and Donald announces that it is men versus women this season.

The men are trying to come up with a name for the team. For some reason this is an embarrassing portion of the show for me. I feel bad for people when they suggest stupid names. Of course Gary Busey suggest "Balogna and Dirt" and "Sperm Farmers". Please pick one of those! Damn...they go with "Backbone".  Richard Hatch is the first project manager.

The ladies choose the name ASAP...stands for actors, singers, authors and professionals. They should have gone with Sperm Farmers.  Star Jones is going to be the first project manager for the team.

The names are LAME-O!

The groups are meeting in the boardroom with Orange Trump. Latoya can't remember what the ASAP stand for in their group name. Ugh.

The first challenge is making and selling pizza. Wonderful. Day 1 of my strict diet and I'm watching a show where they are making fucking pizza. For some reason the ladies pick the Theatre District for their location and the men get NYU area. I would think pizza would sell better to college students than to those coming from a show but what do I know? I've only been to NYC 5 or 6 times and I never ate pizza there.

The thing I don't like about the Celebrity Apprentice is that they all call their rich buddies to buy the products for obscene amounts of money. This shouldn't be allowed at all, they should have to sell to normal people at normal prices like a regular business would.

Richard Hatch is an asshole. He is ordering David Cassidy around like he's his bitch in prison and even pushes him out of the way. In the van, John Rich, Gary Busey, Lil Jon and some poor girl who is a graphic designer discuss their marketing strategy. Gary goes crazy talking like a possessed man ordering people to buy pizza.  He is scary!

David Cassidy slices up 2 green peppers and claims that all the toppings are cut and ready! Fabulous. Gary is dressed in a burgundy suit tucked into his sneakers and the crazy is coming out. He takes a handful of pepperonis and puts them in his pocket.

Niki Taylor is the chef for the women's team and I just noticed she has a large tattoo on her forearm and I suddenly like her much better.  Lisa Rinna is a big complainer.  I hope she complained to her plastic surgeon.  Star has some useless posters printed up.   It's not looking good for the ladies in my opinion.  La Toya Jackson and Nene are outside. Of course, I'd come just for Nene but LaToya would scare me away thinking that maybe some of her face melted in the pizza.

Dionne Warwick is working the register and it is like the people are at KMart with an 80 year old cashier who is using her fingers to add and subtract. Some celebrities stop by later in the day but the place looks empty.

At the men's restaurant, Gary is on the sidewalk throwing pepperoni into the air, John Rich is singing and playing guitar and Lil Jon is screaming at everyone.  The guys' team seems to be doing much better. Big donations, lots of traffic and the energy is much more exciting.  A man even pays $15,000 for a slice of pizza.

Ok now some guy comes into the women's place and ordered 40 pizzas at a thousand dollars a piece and they also won the taste test by a chef so they are going to get another $35k for 8 pizzas. Star decides to shut the doors and focus on the deliveries.  (Then they find out they only need to make one pizza for the $40k). They have to make the deliveries on time. They don't make the delivery of the 8 pizzas so they lose out on $35k.

I give up trying to figure out who is going to win.

Gary's trying to get people in by telling them that the pizza won't give them gas. David Cassidy is taking cigar smoke breaks. What the hell is going on? This whole pizza thing is being drawn out WAAAAAAYYYYY TOO LONG! This episode did NOT need to be two hours. I'm starving for pizza but I'm just drinking protein water.

Finally we're in the board room with Orange Trump. No more pizza.

Lisa and Star butt heads but I don't like either of them so I couldn't care less.

Jose Canseco doesn't like Richard and I don't like Jose's hair. It looks like he's wearing a lunch lady hairnet.

Is it weird that I like Lil Jon the best of all of them? I don't like his music but I love his hair and that he's wearing sunglasses inside. So apparently I'm picking my favorites based on physical characteristics (hair and tattoos). How shallow of me!

The mens' team raised $54,104. Right away we know the women won because of that one $40k order! They raised $115,000.

Richard thinks that he was very respectful and doesn't remember pushing David Cassidy out of the way. He admits that he doesn't think Jose is that smart, calls David little, sensitive and delicate. How on earth did Richard win Survivor? I watched that season and he wasn't nice then either.

I think it is silly that they have a little secretary outside the board room to tell the men to go back into the boardroom after Orange discussed who will be fired with his crew.  She pretends to be writing something in a notebook. She probably makes more in these weeks than I do in a year "acting" as a secretary.

Blah blah blah this whining going on with Richard, David and Jose is endless. Orange Trump needs to make a decision because I feel like we're listening to a bunch of cackling hens.

David Cassidy is fired and the "secretary" just made a bunch of money by holding a pencil and waving goodbye.

Please tell me that not all of the episodes are this long!

The Real Housewives of Orange County: Season Premiere (from 3/6)

Oh how I've missed the crazy in the OC. ("Don't call it that."  -  Michael Bluth)

I'll give the rundown on my opinions of the returning housewives.

Tamra - hate her, hate her, hate her. When I first started watching, I actually liked her. However, she has slowly become a petty, jealous, conceited and immature person.

Gretchen - I actually started watching this show because of her. I saw a preview for the season premiere when she was a new addition to the show and I just had to see this "gold digger". Now I like her best of the OC ladies.

Vicki - She's basically annoying but I don't hate her.

Alexis - She is one of those people who has more nannies than children even though she doesn't work. She is also one of those people who says that her "god" comes first, then her husband, then her children. As an atheist this doesn't make sense to me but also as a mother. My son comes first no matter WHAT. To each their own I guess.



Starting off with Tamra. She's divorced from her awful, controlling husband Simon. I'm annoyed that she keeps calling herself a "free bitch". She is too old to talk like this. She's already dating a guy and she's had more plastic surgery or botox. I can't tell if she's smiling or frowning but she always has these strange wrinkles on her nose near her eyes as if she's scrunching it up due to a bad smell.

She's throwing a shopping party and calling everyone to invite them, including Gretchen because I'm sure the producers told her she had to.

Last season Tamra had the bright idea to get her husband's name tattooed on her finger. She did this because their relationship was falling apart. Anyone see any logic here? Of course not because she's ridiculous.  So now she's having it removed with laser surgery. 

She also reveals another tattoo, a tramp stamp.  Next to a tribal tattoo or a Japanese word it is one of the cheesiest and most cliche tattoos that I've ever seen: a yin-yang symbol as the center of a sun.  What is even worse is that this tattoo matches one that Simon has.

What kind of man is he that he gets a yin-yang sun tattoo? Gross! I wonder if he has his on his lower back too. It is probably in between a dolphin and a rose.




Gretchen developed her makeup line in the last season and now she also has a handbag line. I assume she's selling this stuff on HSN. She's still dating Slade Smiley who is a smarmy, yucky guy who has now dated three housewives of the OC.

In the second scene with Gretchen I think she's used the word "like" about 47 times.



Vicki - we've already seen a little snippet of her basically making fun of Gretchen saying that she buys Louis Vuitton (and a bunch of other expensive brands) and will NOT be buying a Gretchen handbag.  She can be such a snob.

Vicki and her husband Don are moving furniture around in the house and she's doing it in heels. Smart.



Alexis has cut her nannies down to only one for her three children. (I was wrong, she only had two nannies before).  She says that she wakes up every day and tries "to do what Jesus would do". I guess she thinks that Jesus had breast implants, extensions and fake nails.

She says the bible says that the man is supposed to be the head of the household and the wife is to be second. This mentality makes me crazy, this is another reason I don't like her.


Tamra has a half naked bartender for her party - because that's what OC free bitches do!  I guess they also pretend to be maybe bisexual in front of guys. No, that's when you're an attention seeking 21 year old. Tamra is fake flirting with her personal trainer/friend Fernanda who is a lesbian.

Evidently Jesus also rents limos when he goes to parties so he doesn't get a DUI. In the limo, Alexis says something about a credit card, her Amex...but she says "A - mex". What a D - ummy.

She's going with Gretchen and two other women to Tamra's party. One of the women is wearing Dirty Dancing shorts I think. I don't think that's allowed in Orange County or in limos. Or in any time period later than 1990. Or on anyone else but "Baby" Frances Houseman.

(from http://www.bennadel.com/)



The shopping party is awkward. I feel like everyone is saying "cute" "pretty" "I like that" but just so the woman showing the clothes doesn't feel bad. Some of the things have a bedazzled eye on it. "Oh, that's nice!"

It is called the evil eye and Gretchen makes some comment about it towards Tamra that wasn't a big deal and really not even an insult, if it was it was lame.

When Vicki arrives with un-brushed hair, Tamra tells her that Gretchen just "ripped her a new asshole". The evil eye comment was not ripping a new asshole, it wasn't even close to the anal area at all.  Tamra is looking for drama.

Vicki and Tamra go off by themselves to make fun of Gretchen.  I was hoping Tamra was pulling her aside to give her a comb. Instead, she's asking Vicki to pinky swear with her. What's next, mud masks, truth or dare and a copy of Teen Beat magazine makes the rounds? Tamra YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR PINKY SWEARS.

The other ladies are buzzed (Gretchen is drunk) and are talking really loud even though they are a foot apart from each other.

Tamra puts on the bedazzled evil eye hat so that she can ask Gretchen if she was calling her an evil bitch earlier. Holy crap on a stick - GET OVER IT. I'm beginning to think the producers told her to stir up the issues between her and Gretchen again.  BORING!

Before Vicki leaves she hugs Tamra and Tamra says "I miss you" to which Vicki responds with "Do you? Thank you." How embarrassing.

Gretchen and Alexis are arguing in the limo on the way home because Alexis called her a princess earlier.

I feel like I'm hungover and I haven't even been drinking.

Overall a tame first episode. If I hear Gretchen say "like" and Tamra say "bitch" one more time I'm probably going to puke and I have a feeling it will be bedazzled.

The previews for the rest of the season don't look as crazy as in the past except for Tamra fighting with (ex OC housewive) Jeanna and she actually pushes her from behind.