Gretchen is starting off the episode...no wait. Slade naked in the shower is starting off the episode. Gross.
It is ridiculous when they set up these scenes - Gretchen still "sleeping". Ok you didn't let the cameramen in the house before that? And does anyone seriously sleep in a sheer white nightgown with white lace underwear and bra? I mean, come on. I sleep in a Poison t-shirt and Adidas shorts - yes I have multiple of both. Even if cameramen were going to see me get out of bed, I'd still be wearing that.
Shawna, Gretchen's assistant comes over and they discuss the party (last week's episode) and how Shawna really didn't have her back in the argument when Alexis called her a princess. I'm distracted by the fact that Gretchen looks really OLD in this scene. Something about her makeup I guess. Her skin is awful - am I a bitch?
Tamra is hanging out with her lesbian friend. Ugh...Tamra now reminds me of annoying drunk girls that pleaded for attention when we were 21 by flirting with other girls. No matter how many guys "ogle" you, you're still annoying. When a person pretends to be someone they are not it really chaps my ass. (I love Melmo).
Tamra makes sexual innuendos about her wine opener that in no way looks like a penis. Plus - the woman is a lesbian, doesn't she get turned off by the penis? Tamra is pathetic. Then she talks about how happy she is now that she's getting divorced. She has to announce this because no one can tell if she smiles or frowns because her face is frozen.
Tamra's lesbian friend has the same bad acne as Gretchen, equally badly covered up. What is up with the OC? People's right cheeks are no good out there.
Maybe I'm noticing all of this because I have an high-def TV now. Scary.
Tamra talks about her new boyfriend but then cries about her divorce from Shitty Simon. I wonder if she's sad about the money he had. No, he was a dick to her...I'll give her that.
Tamra's business partner's name is Marcos Prolo. Seriously?
Polo!!!
They are out looking for a new place for Tamra to live. Where has she been living for the first episode and a half?
Vicki's turn. I was surprised to hear on last week's Watch What Happens Live that she and Don are getting divorced. Obviously this was filmed prior to that.
Don hangs out with his new dog Walter a lot. Their dog Jake died a few months ago and that made me frown. And yes - you could tell that I was frowning, my face moves like a human being.
Vicki is off to Seattle for some insurance training seminar thing. She gets an award for being the most psychotic insurance lady. Woo hoo!
Vicki's daughter Briana worked 13 hours in the ER (she's a nurse), got on a flight to Seattle and just wants a nap. However, Vicki invites all of her wild insurance people to the room to party. Nice.
They leave the room and downstairs and Briana joins them. Vicki tries to set her up with every single guy sitting around them. And now I'm obsessed with how bad Vicki looks. This HD really screwed these ladies.
When the group goes bowling, Vicki is flirting with one of the guys and he's flirting back, right in front of Briana. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised about her divorce announcement now.
The next morning Vicki sexually harasses her social media coordinator by pulling his sheets off in bed to smack his butt while he's wearing green speedos. She makes him order her breakfast for her even though he has no idea what she's asking for. Why can't she just take the phone from him and order it? I want to smack her.
Everyone goes on a boat where Vicki yells "woo hoo" way too many times and some skanks flash their boobs to the camera.
Briana talks to her friend about how she wants to move away from her mom. Don't blame ya, B. I'm actually not sure how you turned out so seemingly not annoying.
Get out your bibles and fake boobies because we're onto Alexis. She visits her friend Peggy who is going to be the new housewife. They go to a park for a picnic and Peggy feeds her daughter hummus. Gross.
The two of them talk to each other and to the camera about how great their kids are. Serious competition here. "Oh they are in big girl beds?" "Off the bottle!" "Potty training is hard." "Mine was potty trained at two weeks." Peggy's daughter is articulate and Alexis' daughter scribbles better than anyone else in their class. I'm going to vomit soon. Hummus and delusional moms in one scene. If some bad acne pops up next I'll grab a bucket.
Peggy: "So you know how I've had London (her daughter) modeling since she was three months old?" (Start that eating disorder early, Peggy...you don't want to be behind the other moms.) She is signing up her other daughter with the agency now.
Alexis says they've had James do modeling and they loved him (who is James? They have a son?) but she didn't want to do all of that driving. Peggy automatically assumes that the agency probably didn't want to sign the kid but Alexis makes herself feel better by saying she didn't want to commit to driving so much. Peggy is officially obnoxious.
Peggy: "London counts up to 30."
Alexis: "They (the twins) can count up to 6 in Spanish."
Me: "My 10 month old can point at the ceiling fan AND spit food out at the same time."
Do they not hear themselves? I feel bad for those kids.
Peggy's first solo scene. She and her husband are getting ready to go fire guns at a range and Peggy's worried about what shoes to wear and goes with heels. They jump in their fancy Hummer (I think) and they show off the completely unnecessary technology inside it. Unless you're living and working in there, you don't need all that shit.
I hate Peggy. She keeps using the word 'bling' and the last I checked this isn't the 90s. At least she's not wearing hemp necklaces a la Jenelle from Teen Mom.
She also keeps pointing out that she is not the stereotypical Orange County woman which basically means she is and she's trying to make it look better. She is blond with fake boobs, definitely work done on her face, she married "not just for money" and is putting both of her daughters into modeling.
Alexis meets up with Tamra at the gym. For some reason even though it is Orange County and clearly not cold, Alexis is wearing Uggs. She also has fake eyelashes on, full makeup and jewelry...to work out at the gym. Tamra is wearing sweats. For once she's my favorite person in the room. Even the yoga instructor is wearing earrings. Who works out in jewelry? I mean like dangly big earrings, the size of coasters.
After working out the two do what everyone does after a good workout...go for drinks. The lighting in this place is awful so in combination with HD makes it look like a horror movie.
Alexis is talking about how she is working now. She felt like she had no "me time" when she was just a stay-at-home-mom. This was the woman who in the previous season said she had two nannies and frequently went to the gym, shopping, the salon, tanning, out to lunch, dinner, drinks, parties. Now she wants MORE "me time". Time to hire another nanny super mom!
Alexis' husband Jim is very controlling from what we've seen. He's one of THOSE husbands. Simon was very similar to that but Tamra didn't obey as well as Alexis does so they are divorcing.
Blind Alexis doesn't see their similarity but she also thinks that the man is SUPPOSED to control the woman. At least Simon is cuter than ugly Jim.
She actually says, out loud "There's times when I'm out of line and Jim has to put me back in line." Did anyone else picture Ike and Tina Turner?
