Jersey Shore: The Worst Argument Person Ever (from 3/17)

Oh, we left off with the Arvin controversy. The controversy should be that it is an awful name.

Ronnie and Sammi are fighting. I'm pretty sure that it says the same sentence in all of my recaps except the one when Sammi was home. GET OVER IT!

Deena is rolling across the floor in a box. Honestly I would rather watch her rolling in the box than seeing Ron and Sam argue again.

Deena, Sammi and Snooki go to their pointless job at the "Shore Store".

Vinny and Snooki are going out for lunch. Snooki thinks that beer battered onion rings are served in beer. I guess like floating in beer. She's beginning to remind me of Jessica Simpson.  Vinny is talking about his hookup with a girl to Snooki, even though he knows she has feelings for him. However, he tells the camera that something could get serious with Snooki because he does have feelings for her.

Vinny doesn't have his ears pierced and is getting peer pressured by the other guys to get it done. He says he's nervous but people are reminding him that infants get their ears pierced. Pauly D (love!) has had his pierced since he was like seven years old and says "My boy's becoming a man!"

How funny is it that when people my age were growing up, getting earrings certainly didn't make you a man. Getting one earring (left is right and right is wrong) became cool at some point but never two. Only people like George Michael or Boy George had multiple piercings.

    

The guy at the Shore Store does it for him and Pauly D. is super excited. He has the widest smile and he says that Vinny's looking "fresh to death!"

I just noticed that Pauly D. is wearing rosary beads around his neck...I'm not religious but isn't that wrong? I thought you weren't supposed to wear them around your neck. But, how would I know I dropped out of CCD class when I was 14.

Everyone except the two lame-os are getting ready to go out. Deena's in a denim romper (yes, I said denim romper) and Pauly D. and Vinny are making fun of her. Pauly D. says that denim isn't in anymore. I'm sorry, I love Pauly D. but his ugly bedazzled t-shirts aren't in style. Well, maybe they are but I think they are ugly. So there. I don't like the romper either so no one wins here except for JWoww's boobs because they always win.

Pauly D.'s stalker, Danielle is once again stalking him. Mike thinks that she's going to kidnap him and slowly cut his blowout down to nothing. Another one of those lines that I think Mike wrote down and thought was going to be wicked funny but it was just a sad joke. He needs to hire Bethenny Frankel for some one liners.

Oh crap, we're back at the house with Ronnie and Sammi talking and eating. She's apologizing and hanging all over him while he is chowing down on his food.

Ron wants Sam to go and get her clothes because she's "sleeping upstairs, right?" Sam's response is "With you? In your bed?"

Nope, you're sleeping on the porch my dear.  That would be cool.  Alas, I don't get my wish and we get to see the two of them making out. Gross. It is like watching two corndogs make out.

Back at the club there are old big women dancing up on the boys. Pauly D.'s eyes are about to pop out of his head and he's screaming HELP!

For some reason there is a shot of Denim Deena dancing up on a block and then the scene is cut to a pig roasting. Hmm....

The boys are so fed up with the girls at the club that they are just taking home what they can and see what happens. One of the girls says that the house smells like bandaids when she walks in. That's freaky...I'd turn around right there. Who wants to smell bandaids all night?

One of the girls' brother shows up. He says that he just wants to make sure they have a ride, whether it be now or tomorrow morning. Pauly D. sees this as his way out and asks if he can take his girl home tonight and Vinny's girl tomorrow. She's not really a grenade so she must be annoying or maybe she's what smells like bandaids.

She tells Pauly D. he's a fucking dick and says that she would rather fuck Mike anyway. EW. Who would want that?! He probably has like...old balls. Don't you imagine that when you think of him?

Vinny ends up kicking both girls out. Those earrings are apparently made of balls.

He then grabs his sloppy second, I mean...Snooki and drags her back to the bedroom area.  He says he is kidding but she is really upset. I don't blame her I guess.

Vinny and Sammi start having a little rap contest like "8 Mile". During Vinny's retaliation he slips on the floor and falls flat on his back.  That was the most exciting moment of the night.

The next day JWoww (who has been very quiet this episode so far), Pauly D. and Mike go to work at the Shore Store. Mike is sleeping on the floor in the dressing room. A delivery man piles boxes in front of the dressing room door so Mike says that he was locked in. This working thing is a joke - it made sense the first season because they were broke. Didn't Mike make like $5 mil last year?

Sam wore her contacts to sleep so today she's going blind. Ron is taking her to the doctor. I wonder if this is just a cover up for another butthole visit for Ron.

Ron's mom calls the house and Deena answers. For some reason it sounds like Ron's mother is wasted. She tells Deena "I love you." and "I'm tan." "I am tan." "I look Indian." Deena doesn't know what to do so she hands the phone to JWoww.

She's going on and on about the Ron and Sam drama. The girls pass the phone off to Mike. Yes, big mouth Mike. He tells Ron's drunk mother the story about Arvin.

A little later when Ron and Sam get back, JWoww meets them at the door to ask them to clean the upstairs bathroom and to tell Ron that his mother's been drunk dialing all day. At that moment, the phone is quacking and when Mike answers it we hear "I miss you!!" It's Ron's mom again. He's very angry at his mother for embarrassing him. He hangs up on her.

JWoww tells Sam what Mike told Ron's mom. Got that? Too many people in that sentence.  Sam is pissed.

Outside, Mike is making things worse by telling Ron that Sam definitely wanted to get with Arvin if it didn't work out with Ron. When Sam finds out she goes out there to confront Mike and they swear and argue over each other. I actually have closed captions on so I can read it but it's still blah blah blah.

However, suddenly Mike says "You are the worst argument person ever. All you do is keep repeating 'you're a piece of shit' 'you're a crock of shit'".  I love that he says argument person instead of arguer and that he's actually right.

Mike is going to call Arvin to verify Sam's story that he's just a friend and that she wasn't trying to get with him. I think the name Arvin speaks for itself but I have different taste than Sam.

The guys go inside. When Snooki tells Sam that the guys are mind-fucking Ron, Sam says "totally" and she's making the ugliest face I've ever seen.

I am doing something I have NEVER done before during a recap. I am taking photos of the screen while it is paused with my Blackberry and I'm going to post them here. That's how ugly her face is when she says it.

Am I wrong?

Mike calls Arvin to verify the situation. Arvin says that they've hung out as friends but they've made out here and there. Ron is pissed and heads outside in a 'roid rage. We don't get to see the argument until the season finale next week. Awww.

How did you like the screen shot effect of this episode? Should I do this for other shows when a funny moment comes up or some ugly clothes, awful makeup or hemp necklace?

Jersey Shore: GTB...Gym, Tan, Boring (from 3/10)

Vinny is wearing all white today. For a second I thought he even had white gloves on but I am not that lucky. He and Pauly D. are headed to Staten Island to visit Vinny's family.  Pauly D. did not realize that the word Island in the name "Staten Island" actually meant...you guessed it...an island.

Everyone takes off for the day and they abandon The Situation so he hangs out with JWoww's dogs and basically lets them eat any food they have in the house. Pizza out of the trash, peanut butter, Fluff. They start peeing and pooping all over the house and Mike is very excited about this. 

At Vinny's house it looks like Thanksgiving without the turkey. It makes me so incredibly hungry...except when they cut back to the shore house and the dogs are pooping all over the house. Diet still on track. Dog poop will do that to me every time.

JWoww smells the poop immediately when they return home. I'm surprised they can actually smell it because doesn't it always smell like poop in there?

Deena is a better special agent than Phillip from Survivor. She smells Mike's cologne on one of the dogs. Why is he wearing cologne while laying in bed all day? Oh, it is probably from his bed since we know he doesn't wash his sheets - just sprays them with Axe.  That cheese must be growing mold under there by now.

Anyway, nothing is said any further about the dogs being out smelling like poop and Mike.

Time to go out for the night. Snooki dances with a guy and asks him his name and his last name. She needs to make sure it has a vowel at the end of it just in case she wants to have babies with him.

Ronnie suddenly starts making out with Sammi. I smell a fight coming on.

Everyone is walking home either with roommates or their sex partners. Snooki falls down and cuts up her knee. The guy helps her with bandaids so she decides to let him have sex with her. He didn't even pay for the bandaids.  Why buy the bandaids when you can get the STDs for free?

The next day Vinny gets spray tanned. While getting sprayed down he's just in his underwear. His feet are HUGE. So I guess Snooki wasn't exaggerating. 

On the way home JWoww's boyfriend Roger is in the car in front of them. He doesn't acknowledge her beeping the horn and even goes through a red light to get away. He did "the dip". The guys say that he probably has a girl in the car with him. As soon as she gets home she leaves a message on Roger's voicemail basically breaking up with him for what she thinks might have happened. Overreact much? Later on Roger calls and tells JWoww that he was on his way to get his hair cut and there was no girl in the car with him.

The guys are playing out on the big porch with little toy helicopters and kites. The girls decide that this is the perfect time to bomb them with water balloons. They go up on the deck from a room upstairs and proceed to throw only 2 water balloons, one of which breaks in Deena's hand prior to letting it go.

Am I the only one who didn't realize the porches were next to each other? I thought they were on opposite sides of the house.  I guess I never pay attention to the arial shots of the house so I can't picture the set up.  Must pay attention next time. 

What am I saying? Why do I care? I'm writing this later than usual so maybe I'm tired. I really don't need to know the layout of the house of whores.

The guys plan to lock the girls out on the porch but suddenly change their mind and start running down the stairs. Pauly D. is yelling "Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!"  They get up to the other porch and hit the girls back with some water ballons. 

Everyone is making tshirts out of garbage bags and the war is on. It ends with the guys throwing Snooki and Sammi into the hot tub and Pauly D. yells "O'Doyle Rules!"  I <3 him more every week!

Ronnie is trying to get back with Sammi. Sammi tells him that she does want to work it out but she's scared. So he says that he will prove it to her that he's changed. I don't think there is a person on earth besides Ronnie that thinks they can work on their relationship.

At a zoo or something, Ronnie, Sammi and Sammi's friend get to meet a penguin. The woman asks everyone what kind of animal a penguin is and the three look at each other and whisper, "Mammal?" A child who is probably 7 years old answers instead and is correct when he/she says that a penguin is a bird. 

The wings are a dead giveaway so the kid didn't cheat but when you have tanning oil and alcohol running through your veins you don't really notice the obvious. You know, that birds have wings, toilets are not hampers, flushing is super important and that sheets should be cleaned every once in a while - especially when you bring home various trash from the club.

Imagine what those sheets and mattresses must be like. Sweat, maybe some pee, sexual secretions, makeup, spray tan and probably some pasta. Plus the cheese factory under Mike's.

Back at home, Mike gives Snooki a facial. Get your mind out of the gutter...an actual facial cleansing mask.

"It takes me 25 minutes to do my haihhh!" I <3 Pauly D.

Everyone is out at Karma. A friend of Mike's who has the unfortunate name of Arvin, asks Mike where Sam is and tells him that she texted him a week ago to ask him to meet her there. Arvin proves it to Mike by showing him the texts she sent him.

Mike is very excited about this juicy gossip because apparently catching Sam texting a guy is much, much worse than when Ronnie tripled kissed. Which, by the way, is NOT kissing...it's just three people touching tongues and getting spit all over their faces. Their faces must STINK after that. Seriously - lick the back of your hand and smell it. Now imagine someone else who has been drinking, smoking butts and doing who knows what with their mouths licking your hand and you smelling it. Gross.

Mike tells JWoww and she asks to see the texts as well. Both of them spread the information to all of the roommates. Snooki and Deena tell Sammi about the situation. Sam denies it and JWoww says that she saw the messages in the BBM (Blackberry Messenger). Ronnie is pissed and starts fighting with Sam all over again. Sam yells at Mike for starting drama and he says "You got caught!"

I wish they would show us the BBMs.

The guys are back at home.

Pauly: "GTF...gym, tanning, find out who Sam is texting behind Ronnie's back...helloooo???"

Someone mentions that she claims Arvin is her friend.

Pauly: "GTI...gym, tanning, I'm not buying it!"

The girls get home from the club and Sam confronts Mike again. More arguing between Sam and Ron. I'm so over this.  And although I can't stand both of them - I'm on Ron's side with this argument. She never mentions this friend before or talked to him when she and Ron were together, but the minute she goes home she gets back in touch with him?

She shouldn't text the guy just because his name is Arvin. I wouldn't. Maybe he's ok with being called Alex, which is what JWoww called him at the club.

Mike (in interview): "Sam is definitely playin Ron out. Ron is calling for roses, crying on my shoulder, listening to Michael Bolton and she's texting other dudes."

Normally I would have thought that was funny but it came out scripted like Mike had been waiting to use that Michael Bolton joke for a while. I picture it written on a little piece of paper in his pocket. "Those was jokes!"

My DVR cut off during Ron and Sam arguing. I almost wish it had cut off earlier. This episode SUCKED!

Jersey Shore: Cheese and Poop (from 3/3)

Aw crap. I forgot Sammi came back at the end of last week. Greeeaaaat.  Ronnie is pissed about her coming back too.

I think the guys are having some sort of Sock Hop because they are all walking around the living room in their socks and all you see is a bunch of high top sneakers around the room. I did see a spray bottle so maybe they are shining them up.

They are making fun of Sammi by guessing what she's asking...Did Ron go to the club? Did he dance? Did he talk to girls? Did Pauly and Vinny talk to girls? Did Ron talk to the waitress?

The sad thing is - she probably did ask all of these questions.

Everyone gets ready to go out, Sammi in a purple dress with her bra showing in the back, JWoww in a pink corset-type top with her boob KABLOW popping out, hairspray all around and Mike in 80s looking black jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray vest. Do people really look like this out at clubs nowadays? I'm not all up in here with Mom Jeans or anything but I suppose I'm out of the loop.

At the club, Ron is acting like Sam...stalking her. Snooki is having feelings for Vinny. She's worried that Vinny is going to take someone home.

Meanwhile, Vinny is talking to a Dominican girl named Laura who tells him she wants to have ten of his babies right now. How is that any kind of pick up line? Yes, having babies means you have to have sex but why hit on someone by talking about having his babies?

"Oooohh yeah, I can't wait to get stretch marks from growing your baby inside me."

"You are so hot, I won't even complain when I get hemorrhoids when I'm pregnant with your baby."

"Please take me home tonight and knock me up so I can throw up for a few months, gain 50 lbs. and then sue you for child support."

Awesome.

Vinny and Pauly take home Laura and some other girl. They don't go to the smoosh room so they each are in their twin size beds hooking up with these girls in the same room. Classy!

Sam and Snooki head home. I can see more of Sam's dress and I'm beginning to think she borrowed it from one of those Bratz dolls because it is THAT small.

The two girls run to Vinny & Pauly's room to see if they brought chicks home and you can clearly see Vinny banging the girl in the bed. GROSS. Ronnie carries Snooki and Sammi out of the room. He tries to talk Snooki out of caring and he's actually making sense. Sammi tells him he's acting like a drunk fuck. She apparently doesn't like reasonable human beings. Not that Ron is reasonable at any other point in time...I think she's just trying way too hard to sound like a badass.

In a quick shot of the bedroom you see the girl holding her underwear above her head trying to straighten them out to put back on. Why bother? It isn't like you have anything to hide after hooking up with a guy you just met on national television.  Shortly after sexing it up the guys call a cab for the unpaid hookers.

JWoww and Deena are walking...er...stumbling home from the club. JWoww has to pee so she's going between two cars. Deena says she has a napkin in her purse so she follows her and stands very close to her as she's squatting. Of course, pee gets on her foot. Why the hell are you standing in the line of her pee puddle? Any girl knows there is a certain distance you must stand when another girl is peeing outside.

The next day everyone besides Snooki are going bowling. Deena drives one of the vehicles and I think I'm fearing for the passengers lives. She takes a sharp turn and a Red Bull spills under JWoww's butt so she is forced to lift it up in the air on the ride. Deena hands JWoww her purse and says "Check in here, I might have a napkin." I hope she doesn't have a napkin in there because if she does, it's probably full of JWoww's pee.

Awesome, the toilet is clogged again. You'd think with all the drinking they do that they wouldn't have such solid poops. Ron is heading in to check it out so he stuffs toilet paper in his nostrils. Apparently simply breathing through his mouth is out of the question.

He also puts ziplock baggies on his hands to lift up the toilet seat. It is a frightening sight. Mike is standing in the hallway cowering behind Vinny as if there is a rabid raccoon in the bathroom and he's afraid it is going to jump on him. Pauly D (love him!) yells, "The water's green bro!" and they think it might be algae growing on the poop.

I'm having the same problem I did with watching Survivor last night when they went underwater and I held my breath. I'm breathing through my nose as if I might be able to smell the green poop through the television.

The plumbers arrive and if they can't unclog it they may have to take the entire toilet out. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING? One of the plumbers is surprised that there are no maggots.

I'm officially gagging.

Someone flushed a pair of underwear, announces the plumber. However, the Jersey Shore roommates are calling it something else...*BEEP*-tee.

I'm going to google it...ok lots of people apparently didn't know what was said because it was already all over the web. I guess it was a wife beater but they call it a "Guinea-tee". I've never heard that expression in my life. Oh what the Jersey Shore teaches me!  I think ribbed white undershirt tanks are the only articles of clothing that are named with offensive terms.

I'm afraid of what that wife beater was used for to get it flushed down the toilet. Seriously afraid.
Everyone except Snooki, Ron and Sam go to the bar. Mike is talking to a girl who I think doesn't own a brush. She says she's 21 but he doesn't believe her so she shows him her ID. People are getting carded to hook up with The Situation now.

Back home, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi decide to put a bunch of different cheese in Mike's bed. Slices of American cheese, grated Parmesan and cream cheese. I'm still breathing through my mouth.

Sam says "schmear" and Ron says "schmorgasbord". My ears are bleeding. Someone needs to schtrangle or schlap them. Now.

Mike takes the uncombed girl home and they climb into bed of cheese. Snooki worries that they'll get pinkeye from hooking up with the cheese so nearby.

Days later they are out on the porch talking about how dirty and smelly it is out there (there are flies everywhere). If it stinks on the porch which is OUTSIDE with ocean air, imagine what it must smell like inside.

Anyway Mike says "Speaking of smell...I had the chick over the other night. I had to kick her out." He says she smelled like grated cheese. The thing is, I know there was cheese under the sheets but I'm pretty sure the uncombed girl smelled like cheese too.

Mike thinks that you can't get an STD from getting a hummer.  JWoww calls a health clinic to confirm to Mike that you CAN get herpes and she also tells the man answering the phone that they had a girl there that smelled like grated cheese. He tells them she probably had a yeast infection.

I'm going to throw up and I don't think I'm eating cheese for a long time.

Jersey Shore: Yawnfest 2011 (from 2/24)

Good morning dirty mattress with no sheets! Snooki's hookup from last week doesn't want to spoon her so he just takes his walk of shame while Snooki tells JWoww about her vagina being sore from having sex.

Deena, Pauly D. and the Situation head to work.

I'm really unsure of the point of the "job" they have. In the first season they made it seem like the owner of the shop was also the owner of the house and they worked there in order to live in the house. Of course now, these people have a shitload of money and can probably afford a bigger place with useable toilets and certainly don't need to sell T-shirts. 

I guess it is used as a way to show their dedication to drinking and partying because they are always hungover at work and take breaks constantly. Today they are playing games at the boardwalk.  The boss is calling their cell phones because you know everyone that comes into the store aren't buying a t-shirt from him...they want to see the "celebrities" who "work there". Yes, I'm using a lot of "quotes" today.

Ronnie calls his dad. His dad calls him "bro". He comes down to visit. He is a thinner man than I expected. But just as tan. Yawn.

Ronnie's dad tells him "Where ever you go, there you are." This is a quote from The Brady Bunch Movie. He's quoting Mike Brady. Did he practice this? 
I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name, I hear you now, I just can't stay inside all day. I gotta get out give me some of those raaaayyyyss!


Back at the house the boys are trying out the little mini motor bike that The Situation bought for Pauly D up on the roof. I fear for the lives of anyone walking on the sidewalk below. Yawn.

Snooki is phone stalking a guy she hung out with once Nick (not the one from last night, Gianni). He's ignoring her. We hear from JWoww's guy that Nick found out that Snooki hooked up with Gianni because Gianni is cousins with Jeff (Nick's friend) who Snooki also hooked up with. 

Oh what a tangled web of semen.

Oh the toilet is still broken so Vinny is back in there snaking it with a toilet snake...not his snake. As far as what Snooki says, his snake wouldn't fit in there, it would probably clog it worse. Yawn.

The gang, minus Ronnie, head to the club. The girls in their too short dresses are dancing around and the guys are bouncing too. Its too bad Ronnie didn't come because I miss seeing him dance like he's a little wooden marionette puppet. Oh well. Yawn.

Snooki, having gone through a family of "guidos" decides that she likes Vinny. They dance together at the club and when they get home she jumps in his bed. Vinny's not having it. Yawn.

Oh joy. Ronnie calls Sammi on the phone. She offers to come back to be his friend. Please don't. Please don't come back.  At least Ronnie seems to understand this and says (in interview) that he can't stay there if she comes back.

Snooki and Deena put marshmallows all over the house, including on the duck phone. The Situtaion doesn't notice this and it falls off while he's talking. Apparently this is taken as a prank.  So when the girls ask to use the phone to call a cab, the Situation tells them he's doing it for them. However, he tells the cab driver that the destination is Times Square and not "Jenks", whatever that is, and NYC is a surprise. I don't think they'll figure out where they are going until it's much too late.

The boys want to go out to dinner but Mike the Situation is taking too long so they leave without him. They gossip about him during the drive. Yawn.

JWoww and Mike decide to go pick up some takeout and they take JWoww's two dogs with them.  When a car is going to slow, Mike leans over to blow the horn and one of the dogs on JWoww's lap freaks out on him and attacks his hand. Back at the house Mike is eating his meal alone at the table, pretending to be having a conversation with the other roommates who are not around. He's also drinking out of a giant pitcher instead of a glass.  BOOORRRIIIINNNGGGG. Yawn. Yawn.

Oh Joy. Sammi's coming back. I should just go drown myself in a vat of tanning oil now but I think I'll be dead from boredom by the end of this episode anyway.

Commercial comment: I hate Miracle Whip. I don't know anyone who likes Miracle Whip. Gross. 

Snooks and Deena realize now that they are headed into the city - because they can actually see the city out the window. They finally tell the cab driver to turn around. Yawn.

The guys all ate too much so they come home, burp and lay down. Wild night on the Jersey Shore, guys. Yawn.

The girls pretend that they had a wonderful time clubbing in NYC but they are still angry at Mike. How could anyone believe that they were out having fun in NYC when they were only gone long enough for the cab to make it CLOSE to the city and turn around? Yawn.

I love love love love Pauly D. He's pretending to be angry at the girls for being angry at him for not telling them about the cab going to NYC.

We end this boring crappy episode with Sammi returning to the house. Even next week's preview doesn't look great.



Jersey Shore–The Poop Chronicles (from 2/17)

Well we’re automatically starting off on a good note because last week SAMMI WENT HOME!!! YEAH!

Ronnie is sad so he’s smokin’ butts on the roof deck. I just realized that there is an amusement ride very close to their house, when you’re on it, it looks like you can see everything on the roof. I wonder if that is the appeal of the ride.

“2 tokens to take a ride that overlooks the infamous Jersey Shore hot tub/roof deck. Rated R for nudity, sexual situations, violence and strong language”

People on the ride are watching Ronnie cry like a little girl. Well, not a little girl. A big fat girl.

The Situation arrives to help Ronnie by using every cliché quote in the book. If he says “The past is history, the future’s a mystery and now is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” I’m going to shoot myself.

On another Situation note: why does he have designs shaved into his hair? Does it say Bel Biv Devoe?

The cameras have followed Sammi home. WTF? I thought we were rid of her? Her dog almost committed suicide by jumping over the railing on the stairs when she arrived home.

Ronnie is talking to the remaining girls and they are basically ignoring him. Why isn’t Cinderella “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Till its Gone” playing in the background? Maybe Ronnie will go listen to it and cry.

Because the house is beginning to seem like a funeral parlor, Deena and Snooki decide to put cake in Vinny’s hair. That’s the only logical thing to do when you’re bored and people are depressed, right?

Pauly D. is excited because now they can start a prank war. Deena and Snooki hide under their beds. I’m not sure how they fit, it must look like when a kid hides under a blanket and thinks that because he can’t see you…you can’t see him.



Vinny fills a water balloon at the sink and drops it before tying the knot. Since that didn’t work, they decide to take dog poop from the trash and put it in a ventilated plastic bag.

(BTW: Pauly D.’s hair has so much gel in it tonight, that it looks silver.)

The bag of poop goes under the pillow and Pauly D. says “Perfect. That will be there for weeks.” Who just gagged because that’s probably true?

Of course, Snooki and Deena are hiding under the bed so they know that something has happened so the poop bag gets transferred to Vinny’s bed.

The next prank is ruined by The Situation because he always opens his mouth. Vinny took Snooki’s stuffed crocodile and hung it with a rope over the railing of the deck. When Snooki notices it missing she searches through the house saying “Croc?” and Mike blows it up by showing her where it was.

(BTW: Pauly D. is so tan that even though he’s wearing a black tank top and black pants, it looks like a full bodysuit because his face and arms are the same color as the clothes.)





All three toilets in the house are clogged. All the blame is on Ronnie which doesn’t seem right because just a short while ago he was pissing and bleeding out of his ass.

Vinny is using a wire hanger to snake the toilet which doesn’t work. We see the brown water splashing around.






At work, Snooki needs to poop but Ronnie is crying in the bathroom so she has to hold it in.

Back at the House of Depression, the group discusses how Ronnie isn’t going to be “Single Ronnie” because he’s so sad.  When Ronnie arrives, he gets on the phone to place an order for roses for Sammi and her sister since it is her sister’s birthday.  The woman asks if he wants to add a balloon, a teddy near or chocolate with it and of course Ron says “How about all three?”

How’d you let him get away, Sam?

The boys take Ronnie to get haircuts while the girls move Sammi’s stuff from the upstairs bedroom down to their room. While packing things up Angelina-Style (in garbage bags), JWoww discovers a smell and they come to the conclusion that she just picked up “dirty drawers”. Someone pooped in their pants and it was either Ronnie, Sammi or the Situation.

For some reason it is a big secret that they took Sam’s things so both JWoww and Deena deny it. I don’t get it.

Later on, Deena has a belly ache and realizes that she, like the toilets, are backed up.  Snooki suggests coffee because then it will “flow out of your butthole like friggen rainstorm.”

Pauly D. is in the bathroom getting “fresh to death, as I do”. At least that’s what I think he said. I’m 32 and a mom…I don’t know this lingo.


He sees some disgusting panties, needs to investigate them because you can’t get fresh in a bathroom with dirty underwear, so he takes them out of the room with a plastic fork. Why there was a plastic fork readily available in the bathroom is beyond me.

MTV has blurred out part of the panties, but it is clear that there are some yellow-ish brown stains inside these lacy white undies. Seriously?

He lays the underwear down with the fork on the red bean bag chair in the living room.  Deena and JWoww deny that they are theirs and someone points out that they can’t be Snooki’s because there is no bronzer on them…(or is there?)

Before going out everyone makes fun of Deena for being constipated. Pauly D. announces that the “cabs ah heeeah” and he dives right on the bean bag chair where the crusty underwear were!!

(BTW: At the club, Ronnie’s wearing the ugliest shirt – almost like a bowling shirt and with sparkly designs on the back and although I paused it to see that it says “Black ‘n Royalty” (I think) I seriously thought it said “Bone, Thugs & Harmony”.)

Depressed Ronnie whines about missing Sammi to Snooki and I really hate that he says “Schnooki.” It’s like when people call it a papschmear.

Despite Deena’s constipation problems, she gets completely wasted, falls down on the way home and starts crying about missing her friends. Ronnie actually cheers her up before he attempts to cook some gross frozen hamburger patties on the grill that has no propane. Did they pop those burgers out of a can?  Spamburgers.

Back at the house, The Situation falls onto the bean bag chair twice to make fun of Deena. Don’t they remember the dirty underwear? You know they didn’t clean that bag.

Snooki brought home a guy from the bar to have sex with, she doesn’t remember his name even though he told her it was Gianni about 6 times on the walk home. They go to the “smush room” to have sex on the disgusting bed that has no sheets. I’m thinking that there MUST be some poop schmeared on that mattress.

Until next week, stay regular.

                                                                

Jersey Shore (from 2/10) aka Worst Relationship on TV: The Ron & Sam Saga

Last week, Sammi and Ron broke up again. Hopefully it lasts this time because she is the MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER.

I don’t know why The Situation doesn’t sleep on the couch. Damn, I’d sleep in the STD laden jacuzzi before being in the same room as those two for more than a minute.  He’s talking to Sam about Ron not realizing that Ron is in the next room washing what looks like a condom in the sink. 

I love Pauly D. but his hair is starting to look like Kid from Kid N Play.

(from allstarpics.net)

While I was looking for pictures of Kid, I saw this tee and I wish I had it.

(from 80stees.com)

To take his mind off Sammi, Pauly D and Ron go on some rides. Sammi and Deena go and have some shots on the boardwalk. While sitting at the bar, they see the two boys walk by (I’m sure there was a crowd following them with the cameras) and Psycho Sammi says “I think he was with a girl!” PUKE. 

So, she starts chatting it up with the first penis she sees. She even talks to a shirtless man who is wearing his backpack.

Back at the house, Sam wants to talk to Ron again. STOP SAYING YOU NEED TO TALK. Can’t it just be over? Can I sue MTV for annoying the shit out of me? Better yet, can I sue Sammi for pain and suffering? Well, I’m putting myself through this but people sue for all kinds of things nowadays.

Ron is confronting The Situation about talking about him earlier that day.  Ron says it is none of Mike’s business what goes on with him and Sam yet Ron and Sam argue in front of all of them constantly.

I don’t really know what this conversation is about, Ron keeps saying “girl code” and “guy code” while the rest of the roommates sit around and stare at them. See, this is why saying it isn’t someone’s business is out of the question.

JWoww and her new ugly boyfriend Roger are going on a date to a Mexican restaurant.  On their way out, Snooki reminds them not to eat the beans so they don’t fart it up in the “smoosh room” aka “The Bed of Crabs”. I love that Snooki talks about poop almost as much as I do.

At the Spicy Cantina restaurant, people keep coming up to Roger acting like they haven’t seen him in a while. Who else thinks he told his friends “I’ll be with the MTV camera crew tonight so come on down and wear your best wife beater.”?

Oh no, back at the house you know who are having ANOTHER conversation. Ron says “Be a woman and man up…”. He’s so smart.

Deena, Snooki and Sam are chillin’ at the picnic table on the porch and I swear I thought they were using a pie as an ashtray. I think I can smell them through the TV.

Sammi acts like she’s 14 years old and says she wants to find a hot guy to hook up with that night, literally 5 minutes after her “final” break up conversation with Ron. Holy insecure codependent mess!?!? Geez, the herpes aren’t even cold yet and she’s already moving onto another STD.

Ron claims that “Single Ronnie’s coming back to play”. Oh yeah, we can see him dancing like a little wooden puppet again!! I can’t wait.

I just realized what the Windex on the floor from last week is from. Pauly D. is spraying and cleaning his sneakers with it! They shine like the top of the Chrysler Building! He says he can’t even concentrate with all the fighting! “They’re talking about relationships…my sneakers are dirty!” He should really use sneaker cleaner but I suppose Windex does the trick.

Have I said how much I love Pauly D.?

Now Ron is taking Sam’s stuff from the closet and throwing it out on the porch. The Situation is trying to dissolve the situation but no one is paying any attention. He calls for backup so the boys come up. Ron is seriously picking up Sam’s bed while she’s on it! This is definitely their biggest fight yet. Yesssss!!

No matter how annoying I find Sammi, I’m actually kind of scared of Ron and his ‘roid rage right now. He’s telling Sam that she never cooked for him. One of the many reasons he cheated on her in Miami, I suppose. Those skanks probably probably promised him lasagna every Sunday and maybe even offered to toss a salad. Eww…sorry. I couldn’t help it.

He’s back in the bedroom throwing all of Sam’s stuff onto the porch, including her bed. Psycho!!!!

Deena and Snooki are both shorter than 5 feet tall and while wearing heels. they are trying unsuccessfully to move Sam’s bed downstairs. Snooki compares it to Vinny’s penis not fitting into her “pinhole”.

Everyone is headed out to get drunk. Because alcohol is going to make everything much less volatile. Of course, the girls go to the same club as the boys and Sam immediately stands on the stage and says “HOT GUYS COME HERE!” Her bra is hanging out already and she’s rubbing her butt up on some guy. He’s not even cute.

The Situation takes Ron back to the house and he throws the rest of Sam’s things outside onto the porch, steps on things, breaks them…all the mature things you do after a breakup.  I’m just waiting for him to set her hair on fire when she gets back from the bar.

Oh man, they’re talking again. Blah, blah, **beep**, blah, **beeping beep**, blah. **Beep**. Fuck. *Beep*.

JWoww and Roger are back at the house and she dresses in her leather hooker outfit from the sex shop and you can practically hear Roger getting a boner.

Yup, that’s right, I said boner. RIP, Boner…RIP.

(from parcbench.com)

The next day Deena and Snooks head to the boardwalk. A guy delivers two shots on a cafeteria tray and when he walks away to get his own shot, the girls notice he’s wearing tight neon green bathing suit shorts. He claims they are retro.  When do the 80’s officially become “retro”? Are we there already?

Snooki tells him that she can see his wiener through the shorts. Deena calls it a “camel toe”.

Sam decides that she needs to go home. This is the smartest thing she’s done on this show. There’s no way it could be her idea.

She tells Vinny that she’s leaving and asks him not to tell anyone because she wants to tell them. When Ron asks what they were talking about upstairs, Vinny says “It has to do with packing and something that rhymes with weaving.” Slick.

I wonder if anyone cried while watching Ron and Sam hug, cry and say goodbye? If you did please tell me where you live so I can smack you.

She’s really leaving! Ding dong the crazy’s gone!! I’m actually surprised at how much Ronnie is crying about this. Do ‘roids make you sad, too?

This entire episode was about Sam & Ron.  Final thought in honor of Sammi’s departure: she must get a lot of yeast infections from those airtight shorts she wears. I wonder if Monistat 7 has reached out to her to be their spokesperson?

Until next week boys and girls, let your junk breathe whether it is internal or external.

Jersey Shore (from 2/3)

We are continuing on with the same night we left off last week. Ronnie seems to be drinking a lot, which of course upsets Sammi Sourpuss. She is standing alone, not drinking and Ronnie says to the camera that with Sam, it’s always “one step forward, two step backs”. Caution: Xenadrine causes you to make the wrong word plural.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. Getting mad at Ron for being drunk, she reminds me of me when I was like 15 getting pissed at my also 15 year old boyfriend for drinking. But hello? We were fucking 15.

Evidently the way the guys get girls to go home with them is with a promise of pajamas. That and the chance to look like a dirty whore on national television. Win – win situation.

Sam attempts to try to feed Ronnie in bed with a spoon and he purses his lips and blows a raspberry just like when I feed my 8 month old and he doesn’t want anymore. Oh and look, Ron is spitting up too. Well, puking. In a paper shopping bag. I believe The Situation and his pajama date are in bed in the same room.

“What I did on my summer vacation: I got drunk at a bar, went home with a guy who looks sort of like an old man but isn’t and then banged him in the room while his roommate threw up in a shopping bag. I went to Jersey Shore and all I got was this lousy herpe.”

The next morning, Ron is pooping blood this morning so he’s going to the doctor. While backing out of the driveway he almost runs over a guy on a bicycle. The doctor tells him he’s going to “check out the area”. I am unsure why Ron allowed the cameras while this anal probe was going on. Hell to the no.

Doc asks Ron if he feels any pain while he’s poking around down there  “Here? No. Here? No. Here? No. Here? No.” - how much room does he HAVE down there?

“How about deeper through here?” "Almost through here?” ” Yeah.”

Ok, doc has struck oil.

“Is there any pain around the rim at all?” “No”  Maybe Deena took care of the rim, she supposedly likes that, right?

Ronnie said the doctor told him he messed up his asshole from drinking. Maybe I just don’t know enough about people’s pooping habits after the bars, but I’ve never heard of asshole injuries from too much alcohol. Well, I’m sure they are actually pretty common but not in straight men, right?

Sammi wants to know if they used clamps to get in there.

Holy hell we’re only 8 minutes in. I think I’ve typed more than was actually spoken on the show so far.

The girls minus Sam take a fun trip to the pharmacy and we know this not only from the sign, but because they start filming in the “Depends” aisle.  Snooki is riding a teeny tricycle and the handlebars break off and she falls down. They fix it because they don’t want to pay $150 for a tricycle.

Wait. What pharmacy sells $150 tricycles? Maybe it came with a basket full of meds.
Time to go to Karma! Snooki uses enough hairspray to kill a small animal. Ronnie has friends visiting from home and Deena immediately makes out with one of them.

More drunk sluts dancing on stages. I see London, I see France…

Snooki finds a guy to make out with and I thought he was the same guy as Deena. They all look the same to me. She takes him home and brings him to the house, DTF. However, she stops him because she has her period.  He stays over anyway and in the morning falls off the stripper pole.

On the floor next to the couch there is a bottle of alcohol and a bottle of Windex. Someone was thinking ahead.

Snooki’s new guy Jeff is already talking about getting her a promise ring in a couple of months. She wants to get rid of him now so when he calls later on, Pauly D answers the phone and pretends to be an answering machine. The guy actually starts to leave a message and Pauly’s eyes widen as he listens. Then in the middle of the “message” he says “For Snooki, press 1” for “Jenni, press 2” and the guy is actually pushing buttons.

I love Pauly D.

The girls go to the “sex toy store” where Snooki buys an outfit, wears it out of the store and says “I look like a hot drunk baseball player right now.” She then scares Deena by poking her with a giant vibrator.

Next comes the awkward dinner because of Ronnie and Sammi. It still makes me hungry though.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. She is straightening her hair and bugging the crap out of Ronnie. He clearly just wants her to go out so he can be alone and she stays in.  I wish she would have gone home last week.

The boys (minus Ron) and Deena head to the club. Pauly D’s ex stalker, Danielle is there. The last time Pauly D saw her she threw her drink in his face.  This time, she decides to go home with him. Makes sense.

Vinny calls her a stalker right to her face and asks her “What are you doing here?” Everyone is making fun of her calling her a stalker yet she hangs out.  I think she wants her own Jewish Stalker Spinoff.

Either The Situation or Vinny has brought home a girl who seems to be look as though she’s being Tina Turner for Halloween except it is not Halloween.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. Please go home, please go home, please go home. They “break up” but she’s following him around because she needs closure. I’m thinking “We’re fucking broken up” is closure enough but not for Sammi – she needs to be berated a little more.

Next weeks previews were more exciting than this entire episode! Ronnie’s ‘roid rage and the fact that SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER makes Ron yet again throw all of Sam’s clothes on the floor and start breaking plastic furniture

Until next week – wear a condom.

Jersey Shore (from 1/27)

We pick up where we left off with JWoww at her house discovering what her ex Tom has stolen. JWoww is actually crying and despite what I would have guessed it looks like tears and not in fact tanning oil or tequila dripping from her eyes.





Snooki’s friend Ryder comes to the house wearing what I can only assume are denim underwear. They are way too small and tight to be actual shorts. Maybe Huggies makes them.










It’s T-shirt time! Except for JWoww who is wearing an ostrich. The gang heads to Karma and Ronnie is dancing like a little wooden puppet. Sammi’s crazy ass sees him talking to a girl so she makes a beeline to him to pull him away.

Ronnie explains that it is “Mike’s girlfriend” and that he will ask her to come over and show Sammi her “C-section scars”.  I guess if she had a vaginal birth, then Sammi would have something to worry about.




Vinny picks the one girl in the bar whose entire family is also there. The uncle assures Vinny that he’s not going to get laid but Vinny loves cuddling so he still asks the girl, Gina, to come back to the house of crabs.



Sammi is officially the most annoying girlfriend on the planet. Wait, it isn’t just now that it is official – she’s been the worst girlfriend since the day her and RonJuice got together. I just haven’t been blogging this whole time.




Sammi threatens to go home and Ronnie tells her to pack her shit and get out. I wonder if that is her giant stuffed banana on the bed. That is the most interesting thing in their room.

Everyone is eating pizza and I hear Vinny make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reference! Woot! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Volume 1


Ron is tearing apart the bedroom, throwing Sammi’s things all over the place and then giggling in bed. For some reason even though she just threatened to leave, she has brought a piece of pizza up to their room and offers it to Ron as he lay amongst the mess.

He’s upset that she brought him pizza instead of a protein shake.

Pauly comes up to check out the damage and his eyes just about bug out of his head as if he has just seen bits of Sammi strewn about the room instead of her things, a stuffed banana and what looks like a stuffed dollar. Oh remember those times as a kid falling asleep clutching the plush five dollar bill?

One of the poor unsuspecting girls that the boys have brought home from the club has been labeled a grenade. Wait. That’s not right. One of the skanky girls that want to be on TV and maybe catch an STD has been labeled a grenade. There is now a “horn” for such an occasion and Vinny runs to sound the alarm.

The Situation is inside the house giving his hookup a pair of pants to wear while the apparent grenade tags along. She wonders why he didn’t get HER any pants. I guess you can only borrow pants from the guy you are supposed to hook up with, which in this case is Pauly D. During this explanation, the Grenade Horn is being blown and The Situation stops to listen as if there is an air raid alarm sounding.

Vinny’s potential hookup Gina’s family shows up to escort her home. Strike out.

Pauly D has successfully dodged the grenade and she leaves.

Ronnie is crying on the couch from his fight with Sam and JWoww and her ostrich are comforting him. She just said “flip the script.” I thought only rappers said that.

The Situation has created a situation. He’s up in his room where Sammi is all packed and trying to sleep. He asks her for condoms while wearing some ugly pants with suspicious looking neon green undies poking out.

Sam says to “Ask Ronald” but The Situation lets her know that Ronald is talking to JWoww. This gets Sammi out from under the leopard print covers. This reveals that Sam is still in her tank top, belt, skirt and necklace from clubbing. Don’t they wear PJs at the Jersey Shore?

Sam heads out to the balcony to check to see what Ron is doing outside. She’s screaming “Are you friends with her?” over and over interrupting Ryder’s birthday cake celebration.  (I do think that Ryder is passed out anyway so it doesn’t really matter).

When Ron finally answers “yes”, he’s friends with JWoww, Sam punches him right in the jaw. Ouch.
I was excited that Sam was going home but Ronnie has taken her back.

The gang has stayed up all night and Mike looks like he has an out of control 1970’s pubic bush in the center of his head. What did his hair look like before tonight? I don’t remember this bush.

Despite all of the nastiness that is The Jersey Shore cast – I TOTALLY want to go there for Sunday dinner.

The boys go to get their hair cut and The Situation gets his eyebrows waxed. The barber tells them that Deena’s new man (Ronnie Version 2) announced that Deena wanted to give him a blow job but he didn’t want it? And then something about it being “cleaned out in the jacuzzi”? I don’t really know what any of this means but I’m grossed out nonetheless.

Of course, The Situation tells Deena first thing when he sees her at the gym.

NOW the story is coming together. Ronnie Version 2 said that he wanted Deena to give him a blow job but she said that she wanted to lick his bum hole instead. I guess that is what was cleaned out in the jacuzzi.  I’m scared that someone has referenced “the jacuzzi at the Jersey Shore house” and the word “clean” in the same sentence. I’m also scared that someone thinks sitting in a jacuzzi constitutes the cleaning of the bum hole.

It’s T-shirt time! Except for Deena who is wearing an ice skating costume.

Deena sees Ronnie Version 2 at the club and confronts him about saying she likes to toss salads. Of course he denies it but also tells her to never call him again. I guess he didn’t want his salad tossed after all.

JWoww and Sam are making up by going up to the bar together. Suddenly instead of sitting boringly in a corner, Sam and Ron are up dancing. I guess JWoww being in a fight with Sammi prevented her from smiling or interacting with anyone else. But it’s all good now.

Ok…speaking of tossing salads – in the preview for next week, Ron is at a doctor and I think he’s getting poked in the butt. I can’t wait to find out what this is about.

Until then…GTL all day mutha fuckas. In my case that stands for “Gone To Lunch”

Jersey Shore from 1/20/11

The Martin Luther King Jr. Day special episode of Jersey Shore ended with Snooki’s arrest for being completely wasted on the beach. JWoww is on the phone calling Snooki’s dad and she’s asking Deena what it was she was arrested for:

Jenni “What is it called, drunken indecency?”

Deena “Intoxication in the public?”

Jenni “Drunken public intoxication?”

Then apparently Snooki’s father picks and she says “Hi is this Snook’s dad?” When he says yes she’s suddenly formal with him “Hi Mr. Palozzi.” She tells Mr. Snooki Palozzi about the arrest for public intoxication. I wish she would’ve said “the public” like Deena suggested.

Totally off topic but JWoww has a nice body but she walks with a waddle like I did when I was 9 months pregnant. I wonder if those jean shorts are giving her chub rub?


The boys return home with lots of laundry. Do Ed Hardy shirts really need to be dry cleaned, pressed and hung under plastic as if they are wedding attire? And it was clearly laundry day because Pauly is wearing a laundry day outfit - fluorescent green shorts and a black tank top with a giant matching fluorescent green star on it. I’ve never seen anything like it, even in 1986. I hope he doesn’t wear that again.

So some woman calls the house from the police station and says that they can come pick “her up”. Obviously the phone call was re-enacted and the caller didn’t feel like playing along.

Now, I’ve never been arrested but I think if I spent any kind of time in a jail setting, the first thing I would do upon returning home is shower. Not sit on my bed eating eggs while the sand is creating some sort of coral reef in my cleavage.

Snooki calls her father and says that jail was a phenomenon. Oh wait, scratch that…a train wreck. Technically a phenomenon is defined as “an observable occurrence” and her arrest was clearly observed by everyone on the beach that had gathered around and now the nation of MTV viewers. However, I found this definition that seemed more fitting:


phenomenon phe·nom·e·non (fĭ-nŏm'ə-nŏn', -nən)
n. pl. phe·nom·e·na (-nə)

1. An occurrence, a circumstance, or a fact that is perceptible by the senses, especially one in relation to a disease.

Not really sure where I’m going with that but disease & Jersey Shore seem to just go hand in hand, no?

Another observation: Deena walks like JWoww too. Maybe its a “shore” thing or they just need to get shorts that do not require walking with legs apart so the denim doesn’t irritate the vag.

These clubs they go into are like my worst nightmares. Awful music, STDs flying about and tons of people. Mike, Vinnie and Pauly have gone out with Deena. So they are now MVPD.

MVPD = Most Venomous Penis Disease
MVPD = Many Vigorous People Dancing
MVPD = Musky Vapors Preserve Dead

Ok I give up. I thought I would be able to come up with something with “venereal”. I’m still new at this blogging thing. Give me time.

Oh my god Ronnie’s doppelganger Dean aka scrubby Ronnie. Now, that’s not really fair because the real Ronnie is scrubby too. But he’s famous. So Dean is just Scrubbier Ronnie. His hair in the back looks like a clipped dog’s tail.  And I think Deena just got pregnant from the way they were dancing.
Scrubbier Ronnie also has a girlfriend named Sam. But he’s telling Deena that he’s as single as they come which is really making him more like the real Ronnie. I’m just waiting for him to look at the camera and say he uses Xenadrine.

Vinnie and Pauly are talking about Scrubbier Ronnie hooking up with Deena in the hot tub and that they should write a “politically correct” letter to Sam to let her know, so bring the thesaurus!

“Dear Sam, Ronnie hooked up with Deena in the hot tub, in lieu of, resulting in, ending up in the bed with you for the most part to the third party. You know what I mean.”

The hypothetical letter was funny but I’m really wondering if Pauly & Vinnie know that “politically correct” is different than “grammatically correct”. 

How is fist pumping a dance? What happened to actual dancing like the Running Man or the Roger Rabbit? They actually required some effort and learning.

Speaking of Roger, the girl last week thought that Roger (JWoww’s friend, not Rabbit) had a girlfriend came back saying she was mistaken and it was someone who looks just like him.

I wonder how many girls get phone calls telling them their man is cheating on them at da club at da shore but it ends up just being someone who had the same orangey-brown glow, sticky hair, wet armpits and steroidy muscles?

Snooki says doesn’t want to drink anymore. What? Cancel the show. Oh wait, she can have Pinot because pregnant people do. Wine doesn’t count I guess.

Snooki just said she was going to “double panty it” on her date with the tan Irish guy, Nick who she thinks is SO hot. I think I know what that means but I’m so grossed out by it that I can’t even type it. Also, in reference to a different hole, Snooki says she shits her pants when she’s excited. “I just had a baby in the toilet”. Fist pump that!!!

I wonder if they - “they” being New Jersey - hire someone who’s main job is to clean up puke on the Jersey Shore. All that drinking, tanning, fried food, fist pumping and rollercoasters? There’s got to be a whole lot of vomit there.

Back from her date with Roger, JWoww talks to her boyfriend Tom on the phone.  For someone who likes beefy guys, Tom sure sounds a little like he is a makeup artist in Beverly Hills.  In fact, I think he sounds like the guy last night who did Kim’s makeup with the strange toupee looking hair on The Real Housewives.

Somehow JWoww’s tears go down her face and meet up in the center of her chin and make a line straight down her neck and chest in between her boobs. I thought she was wearing one of those lariat necklaces for a second.

Note to criminals in Jersey: if you want to break into someone’s home, check under the mailbox and in the grill for the keys.

In JWoww’s case back at home, no one needed to break-in…her live-in boyfriend stole her graduation watch, hard drive and her bed. That must’ve been an awkward getaway. 

It also looks like he paid himself money from JWoww’s Paypal. Good thinking, Tom…there will never be a trail, no one will ever figure out who stole JWoww’s money. Especially if your username is JWowwfromtheJerseyShoresboyfriendTom because you know that's it.

No physical fights in this episode so that really grinds my gears. Two recaps in a row without any punching or bleeding. We do have next week’s episode to look forward to when Sammi punches Ronnie in the head but I’m looking forward to the Bad Girls Club on Monday. There will surely be some hair pulling, kicking, punching, bleeding, etc. The BGC doesn’t let me down.

As a side note – I usually forward through the commercials during Jersey Shore but since I was typing this I let it go.  Someone at MTV took marketing 101.  These are the commercials I remember

• Trailer for a horrible Ashton Kutcher movie about friends with benefits
• A TV show called Skins which is a remake of a British show of the same name.  If you are older than 20 and watch it you just might be a pedophile.
• The morning after pill
• Basically every commercial revolves around sex.

Side note 2 - When is Jennifer Aniston going to stop making stupid shitty movies and realize that the only thing she was good at was playing Rachael Greene? Brad Pitt’s women sure pick awful movies to star in because all of Angelina’s are crap except Girl Interrupted. Maybe Brad’s next partner will be Hugh Grant because he makes shitty movies too.