Jersey Shore: Yawnfest 2011 (from 2/24)

Good morning dirty mattress with no sheets! Snooki's hookup from last week doesn't want to spoon her so he just takes his walk of shame while Snooki tells JWoww about her vagina being sore from having sex.

Deena, Pauly D. and the Situation head to work.

I'm really unsure of the point of the "job" they have. In the first season they made it seem like the owner of the shop was also the owner of the house and they worked there in order to live in the house. Of course now, these people have a shitload of money and can probably afford a bigger place with useable toilets and certainly don't need to sell T-shirts. 

I guess it is used as a way to show their dedication to drinking and partying because they are always hungover at work and take breaks constantly. Today they are playing games at the boardwalk.  The boss is calling their cell phones because you know everyone that comes into the store aren't buying a t-shirt from him...they want to see the "celebrities" who "work there". Yes, I'm using a lot of "quotes" today.

Ronnie calls his dad. His dad calls him "bro". He comes down to visit. He is a thinner man than I expected. But just as tan. Yawn.

Ronnie's dad tells him "Where ever you go, there you are." This is a quote from The Brady Bunch Movie. He's quoting Mike Brady. Did he practice this? 
I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name, I hear you now, I just can't stay inside all day. I gotta get out give me some of those raaaayyyyss!


Back at the house the boys are trying out the little mini motor bike that The Situation bought for Pauly D up on the roof. I fear for the lives of anyone walking on the sidewalk below. Yawn.

Snooki is phone stalking a guy she hung out with once Nick (not the one from last night, Gianni). He's ignoring her. We hear from JWoww's guy that Nick found out that Snooki hooked up with Gianni because Gianni is cousins with Jeff (Nick's friend) who Snooki also hooked up with. 

Oh what a tangled web of semen.

Oh the toilet is still broken so Vinny is back in there snaking it with a toilet snake...not his snake. As far as what Snooki says, his snake wouldn't fit in there, it would probably clog it worse. Yawn.

The gang, minus Ronnie, head to the club. The girls in their too short dresses are dancing around and the guys are bouncing too. Its too bad Ronnie didn't come because I miss seeing him dance like he's a little wooden marionette puppet. Oh well. Yawn.

Snooki, having gone through a family of "guidos" decides that she likes Vinny. They dance together at the club and when they get home she jumps in his bed. Vinny's not having it. Yawn.

Oh joy. Ronnie calls Sammi on the phone. She offers to come back to be his friend. Please don't. Please don't come back.  At least Ronnie seems to understand this and says (in interview) that he can't stay there if she comes back.

Snooki and Deena put marshmallows all over the house, including on the duck phone. The Situtaion doesn't notice this and it falls off while he's talking. Apparently this is taken as a prank.  So when the girls ask to use the phone to call a cab, the Situation tells them he's doing it for them. However, he tells the cab driver that the destination is Times Square and not "Jenks", whatever that is, and NYC is a surprise. I don't think they'll figure out where they are going until it's much too late.

The boys want to go out to dinner but Mike the Situation is taking too long so they leave without him. They gossip about him during the drive. Yawn.

JWoww and Mike decide to go pick up some takeout and they take JWoww's two dogs with them.  When a car is going to slow, Mike leans over to blow the horn and one of the dogs on JWoww's lap freaks out on him and attacks his hand. Back at the house Mike is eating his meal alone at the table, pretending to be having a conversation with the other roommates who are not around. He's also drinking out of a giant pitcher instead of a glass.  BOOORRRIIIINNNGGGG. Yawn. Yawn.

Oh Joy. Sammi's coming back. I should just go drown myself in a vat of tanning oil now but I think I'll be dead from boredom by the end of this episode anyway.

Commercial comment: I hate Miracle Whip. I don't know anyone who likes Miracle Whip. Gross. 

Snooks and Deena realize now that they are headed into the city - because they can actually see the city out the window. They finally tell the cab driver to turn around. Yawn.

The guys all ate too much so they come home, burp and lay down. Wild night on the Jersey Shore, guys. Yawn.

The girls pretend that they had a wonderful time clubbing in NYC but they are still angry at Mike. How could anyone believe that they were out having fun in NYC when they were only gone long enough for the cab to make it CLOSE to the city and turn around? Yawn.

I love love love love Pauly D. He's pretending to be angry at the girls for being angry at him for not telling them about the cab going to NYC.

We end this boring crappy episode with Sammi returning to the house. Even next week's preview doesn't look great.



Bad Girls Club: Get a Dictionary (from 2/21)

Please don't let Char talk about being mature this week. I can't handle it.  I would also wish that Lauren Lips to stop putting her hair in that ugly side braid but she's already on the screen with her side braid.

A new roommate is coming - Jennifer from Jersey. She does NOT look cute. In the confessional room her nose looks dark brown and the rest of her skin is somewhat orange.

Oh my god I'm so distracted by her orange skin.  Her name is Tangerine from now on.

Anyway - Mature Full Grown Char has already explained to the new girl that Nikki and Lauren Lips are basically losers. I'm so glad she's grown up this week.

Nikki has a guy friend come to visit and he looks a little like Ashley. He definitely looks more girly than Nikki does.

Tangerine is explaining that she is obsessed with Playboy, she sleeps on silk sheets, she auditioned, was half naked at the Playboy mansion and basically just admitted she has some kind of STD because she has been in the Grotto.

Getting ready to go out we actually get to see Lauren Lips applying her lip stick/gloss all the way around her mouth. Why does she think she only has one giant lip. YOU HAVE TWO SEPARATE LIPS!

Tangerine has a dress on that actually should be a shirt because I can see her underwear. She meets up with a Playboy producer so now the girls are in the VIP section with a bunch of ugly Playmates. Ashley and Tangerine start making out with the ugly girls. Whatever happened to having good looking Playmates? Hef must be losing his eyesight.

In the limo on the way home, Char is representing her mature self by yelling and clapping at the same time.  She continues yelling and clapping in the house and somehow Jessica gets involved and it looks like she punches Lauren Lips in the head.  Char is by far the most childish of them all.

Kori shows the girls her modeling/Playboy photos. Someone says "They are so classy!" while looking at a shot of Kori in a red bra and underwear with her legs spread wide open. Where did these people learn what the words "mature" and "classy" mean?

Because someone lied to them.

Nikki and Lips head out to the bar with the red Jeep. They plan to leave it downtown and take a cab home. So the next morning Nikki and Lips take the black jeep downtown so the rest of the girls are left with no vehicles.

The Playboy guy calls the house to invite Ashley, Kori and Tangerine to do some test shots for Playboy. Char is jealous.  Tangerine calls her boyfriend and tells him she's going to do an interview at Playboy...yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't give a shit what you say, Tangerine. And when they see your orange skin, they probably won't care how you look either.

Ok wait, they ARE interviewing them before they take their clothes off. I stand corrected.  Ashley is clearly the best looking one and it looks like when they girls leave, the producers think the same thing. Tangerine and Kori are going to be pissed.

Back at the house Lips is instigating Char and she throws some kind if liquid at her. Char does nothing except say "Rotate".  I think she's missing part of that insult, right? I mean, telling someone to rotate isn't really a "bad girl" thing. She's essentially telling them "Turn around!" That's not scary, Char.

Nikki and Lips are hanging out in the phone room. Char comes in to make a phone call and Lips hangs up the phone so Char is screaming about an inch from Lips' lips. She then throws an empty can directly at her head.

Lips' retaliation is to throw Char's mattress out the window. She must be on steroids because she does it all by herself.  Char comes to yell at her and says not to touch her as she's pointing her finger in Lips' face and ends up smacking her in the forehead. Now they are sort of fighting with each other. I never know when the line is crossed on this show.

Char is crying and feels so wonderful about herself because she didn't fight back. For a reward, Tangerine and Jessica carry the mattress upstairs for her.

Char is happy to be going out with the "mature girls in the house" which includes the three that just auditioned for Playboy. Seriously, someone needs to get them a dictionary.

Tangerine is getting wasted in her shit-brown Member's Only jacket. Back at the house she is acting insane. I think she's now auditioning for a mental institution. She's got that in the bag!

She has taken off her top and is walking around in a bathing suit bottom and knee socks. She punches Nikki's light up picture (all the girls have one on the wall) and says she's happy she punched the picture so she doesn't have to stare at Nikki's picture all the time. Well, just avert your eyes, idiot. Why are you staring at a picture of Nikki all the time?

Char is in the kitchen with Jessica and says she has self control but she will use Tangerine as a pawn.

Tangerine is still screaming topless.

This episode was junk. This season has pretty much been junk.  Thank goodness for Jersey Shore & Teen Mom.

Teen Mom: Tales from the Couch (from 2/22)

Miserable Kailyn is up first this week. She says things are surprisingly calm since she told Jo and his family that she didn't want to live with Jo.

She's looking through the paper to find apartments for $400 a month (HA!) and instead of a pen or a marker she's dotting the ones she's interested in with pink nail polish. FANCY! Get a highlighter!


She looks at the cheapest apartment she can find ($575 a month) and for a second when they were walking up the stairway, it looked like the stairway of doom aka the stairway to Amber's apartment. I can just see Gary being kicked down those stairs. But...of course it isn't the same place. That would be too awesome.

Jo and Kailyn go to a restaurant with some ugly cushioned seats to talk about the living situation. Kailyn says she needs another job so she can afford to live on her own.  Jo points out what I was just thinking - Isaac is never going to see his mother if she is working two jobs and going to school.

All Kailyn has to do is wait it out a few months at Jo's parents place until the checks come rollin' in from doing Teen Mom 2. DER! Looks like she could make up to $65k a year!

Kailyn heads to an interview at a restaurant wearing shorts that are short enough for them to be a biohazard in a food service setting.  We also find out that she's a GREAT parallel parker.

One of the reasons she gives the interviewer that she's good for the job is because she's a parent and needs the money.  However, it sounds like she got the job.  I guess if you have cameras following you around you can wear whatever you want and say anything that pops into your head during the interview. They'll hire you just for publicity.

Next time you need a job, have some friends follow you in there with a camera and a boom mike. BAM! You're hired.

Kailyn is texting Jo to tell him about her second job so she can move out. You can see that she has acrylic nails and badly needs a fill. However, that means she just got them done within the last 2 weeks. I wonder who pays for that?

Jo must be hanging out with Adam, Chelsea's baby daddy, because his reply is "I fucking hate you. I regret ever meeting you, kissing you, fucking you, or having a childwith you. All I've done was try to treat you..." and she doesn't scroll down for us to see the rest. But if Adam had any say in it, it was something about stretch marks.

Ok she reads the text to her friend and there isn't anything about stretch marks. "...try to treat you like my wife. I regret that too. Fuck you. I wish you would just get the fuck out of my life."

She confronts Jo at home about the nasty text and he basically says he's trying to help her out to make a better decision - to choose to live with him rather than struggle by herself. Jo certainly knows how to make a girl swoon!



Chelsea misses her friend Megan. She's coming over to get the rest of her things. She still wants to be friends with Chelsea. Chelsea even says that Adam comes between her and everyone she's close with - friends, family. If she knows these things how can she be with him?! Those leopard print things all over the house are somehow hypnotizing her.

Poor Aubree...its like a leopard drank Peptol Bismol and then threw up in her crib.

She's starting to walk now and that made me smile. Chelsea says that she's not even a baby anymore, she's a toddler. Adam says that she isn't and Chelsea's response is "She's gonna be toddling." I giggled at that thinking it was not a word and then looked up "toddle" on Dictionary.com. Yup, Chelsea made sense. I'm so embarrassed.

Chelsea states that she was supposed to be starting beauty school but she didn't finish high school in time to enroll. She was way too busy laying on the couch. I hope she brushes her hair before going to beauty school.

Her friend Erika (who spells it correctly, like moi) comes by to sit in the bathroom with her. Chelsea tells her about the fight between her, Adam and Megan and says that she hates that they put her in that position. Ummm...ok Chelsea - YOU put all of these people involved in the situation with your piss poor choices.  Own it.

She lists all the things that she's done to disappoint her father. I thought she was going to spread them out more but three big whoppers within a couple of years - pregnant teen, didn't graduate high school, sneaks her piece of shit baby daddy into the house her father is paying for...great job Chelsea! You're daughter of the year for that hat trick.

Adam isn't helping out with the house or with Aubree. Chelsea wants to get ready and Adam is too busy sleeping during the day to watch is daughter. He tells Chelsea just to put her on the floor. I'm surprised he didn't just pick her up and duct tape her to the wall so he can finish napping in time to play Xbox with his buds.

Chelsea heads to her dad's house to show him that Aubree is crawling and to update him on the school situation. She says she missed her deadline to enroll in the beauty school because "there's soooo much going on, I'm just like going insane."

Her father's face is priceless and he says "like what"? Which is exactly what all the rest of us were thinking.

All the stuff going on that keeps Chelsea from getting her high school diploma is her hair is in her face so she only has use of her left eye and Adam sleeps all day and doesn't watch Aubree so Chelsea can study or clean. Girl...grab two elastics.  One for your big hair and one for Adam. When he doesn't wake up to help with Aubree, snap that elastic on his balls. He'll wake up. See - rubber bands solve everything here.

Chelsea's father confirms that G.E.D. stands for "good enough diploma", just not in so many words.


Jenelle says things have been better with her mom since Jace's birthday party but the living situation is getting worse. Reefer and Jenelle can't stay on Amber's faded couch anymore and I guess those outdoor couches by the road were unavailable.

Was Reefer homeless before this? It was never explained why he had to crash with Jenelle.

Since Jenelle has blown off all of her friends (and her son) to hang out with Reefer, none of them want her to stay with them. Big surprise there.  So Reefer is calling a friend of his and it looks like the two of them and their 1994 hemp necklaces are able to stay at his friend's beach house.

Jenelle's plan is to use extra from her school loan to pay for an apartment with Reefer. The whole plan is to get some jobs and then she can have Jace with her. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ok - it isn't funny that Jace has a piece of shit irresponsible mother - its funny that Jenelle thinks she can get by with school loans, part time jobs and Reefer and take care of Jace.

I mean, how are they going to afford those hemp necklaces. Or all the weed.  Allegedly.

Jenelle goes to the house to visit Jace but spends some time on the laptop. She tickles him a little and Barbara is pissed about it. "Treat him gently!" as she not gently yanks him away from Jenelle.

Why does Jenelle constantly wear a paper bracelet like she just went to a rave? Is it the same bracelet or does she go to the same club every night?

Jace doesn't feel good according to Barbara - so Jenelle's motherly instincts kick in so she opens the laptop again while Jace chews on his sandal.

Time to impress the real estate agent so Reefer throws on his deck of cards shorts. The first place they look at is only an hour away so Jenelle is excited that she'll still be able to see Jace a lot. Huh? An hour away?

I think the real estate agent bought a little chihuaua because she knew she'd be on TV and wanted to fit in with the celebs.  She even has a name but I didn't pay attention enough to find out.

Back at the place they're staying in, Jenelle and Reefer discuss how great it will be when Jace can live with them.  Is anyone else totally frightened at the thought of this? A 1 year old living with these two? Reefer can't even open his eyes fully right now. 

Plus, imagine the bacteria being carried around in those dirty hemp necklaces.

Jenelle has an interview to which she wears flip flops, silly bandz and shorts so short that they would be considered a biohazard in a food service setting. She's also wearing her dirty hemp necklace which I realized has some fake "brass knuckles" hanging from it. She still has the club bracelet and another one that says Lady Gaga. I may vomit.

Of course, the guy hires her.

Jenelle goes to her first day of school and comes "home" to talk to Reefer about it. He asks what she's taking and she lists off psychology, history, math and english. Reefer's response is "I have no idea what any of that means."  Yes, he said that because I rewound it. It wasn't like she said she was taking biochemical engineering or cultural anthropology. Either he wasn't listening or just took a big bong hit before she arrived.  Or he's really just that dumb. I guess those two classes he took in culinary school involved just pictures and nap time instead of reading.

Next week Jenelle applies for the Mother of the Year award by smoking weed on national television.



Leah and Corey are going fishing while the girls stay with his mother. This is just an elaborate plan to propose to Leah. Ok...not so elaborate. He just rows down the river a bit and lets the camera crew in their boat catch up to them.

Corey ties the ring to the fishing line and puts it in the water. I'm so nervous that it is going to fall into the water. Way to throw $50 out the window Corey.

But thankfully, the ring doesn't fall and Leah accepts it. On the way home Leah calls her mom - I was hoping she was going to give her a phone number to a hair salon somewhere but she just calls to tell her that Corey proposed.  Silence....then her mother says "okay." She's clearly very excited for her.

Days later, Leah - with straightened hair that I like much better - visits some friends to give them the good news and to show off her ring. The girls are sitting on the porch of their house and I swear the furniture they are sitting on is the same furniture as in the restaurant that Kailyn and Jo went to earlier.

A plastic Santa is also chillin' on the porch. I know it is summertime so WTF??

Also - where do all these people live that they can have indoor furniture outside? Does it never rain? Why does everyone own so many couches?

Corey's parents take Leah, Corey and the twins out to a fancy Italian restaurant to celebrate the engagement. We know it is fancy because there are Coke and Sprite bottles on the table. Pour your own, bitches!

Oh my goodness, poor Ali is now having some issues where her eyes are crossing. This poor twin really got the shit end of the womb. I feel terrible. Leah's taking her to get her eyes checked out as she doesn't have her MRI scheduled until later that month.

The doctor informs Leah that Ali will have to wear glasses (which I've seen a picture of and she looks so cute) and hopefully that would correct the problem. Otherwise, she may need surgery. Also, it may have to do something with her brain.

My heart is breaking for all four of them.

Ali looks so adorable with the little pink glasses but I can't help but tear up for her. Leah calls her mother to give her the news and she's bawling. Of course, so am I.  Teen Mom hasn't made me cry since Catelynn and Tyler saw Carly for the first time in nearly a year.

All jokes aside, Leah and Corey seem to be great parents, perhaps the best ones in Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant history.  I truly hope Ali is okay.



Until next week...cut off your hemp necklaces and step into 2011. I'll wait for you in 2009 so I can just quickly change how much weight I gained during pregnancy. Don't forget you need to hit 88 mph.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Parts 1 & 2 (from 2/13 and 2/20)

To quote Andy Cohen “Hold onto your wigs!!”

Hooray!!! Kandi’s hair is great, no bent broom look!!! Maybe she read my blog. he he  Now, her outfit and her necklace are another story…but at least the broom is gone for now.

The first clip is about the housewives’ bodies. I’m just realizing now that the Atlanta Housewives have the most normal bodies of all the franchises. Well, I wouldn’t say normal since lots of it was paid for, but at least they all have some shape to them instead of thin, thin, thin like Camille, Gretchen, Bethenny, Kelly or the White House crasher lady.

Clarification on Kim’s “boob job” from the season finale. Apparently she switched from saline to silicone and moved her “nipple up a little bit”. Hmm.

She is still claiming to be 32 years old. Andy told her that she looks younger with no/minimal makeup on and Kim says she’s heard that a lot. So Andy (love him sometimes) says “Then why do you cake it?”

This isn’t the greatest example but I think she looks a lot better and younger when she’s not “all done up”. If you saw the episode when they all went to the spa, you’ll probably agree with me.

Kandi admitted to getting liposuction in her waist and stomach area. She then claims that she didn’t know she had to diet to maintain it. So wait, she thought they sucked the fat out of you once and you are immune to fat? If that were the case, I’d be saving up for some lip right now.

Nene has some real hatred for Kim, it seems more so than in the past. I see a big blowup coming! Let’s hope so. After the disappointing Beverly Hills Reunion I need some drama.

Onto Cynthia and her lack of enthusiasm for her wedding. We find out that her mother and sister didn’t tell her about the fact that they hid her marriage license until she saw the show! I can’t believe they didn’t tell her, how awful to find out your mom and sister tried to sabotage your wedding day by seeing it on television many months later.

YEAH! Onto clips of Phaedra. I love the way she talks and the random things she comes up with. “Penis ointment?”

Well that was disappointing, they didn’t even show her talking about the belly button on the baby?

Somehow Nene and Phaedra are arguing and it involves Bobby Brown.

What the hell, I have been saying how I want to be friends with Nene Leakes but so far on this reunion I really don’t like her. She’s not being funny and she’s being snotty and mean. Isn’t is usually the other way around? At the reunion they are all nice and claim the show edited them to make them look bad? It seems the opposite with Nene.

Talking about Sweetie now, Kim’s assistant. I think it is hilarious that Kim’s daughter was more sad that Sweetie was going to be gone during Kim’s bus tour. 

We hear from Kim that she’s coming out with a book that tells people “how to land a Big Poppa”…so how to be a gold digging mistress. Lovely. I think her daughters should be looking up to Sweetie instead.

For some reason people think it is racist for Kim to talk to Sweetie the way she does. However, Sweetie probably makes more than most people I know from being her assistant and I 100% believe that Kim would talk to Sweetie that way if she were white.

The show is almost over and Nene and Kim are just starting to argue. I think I will continue this recap with Part 2 and post it only if part 2 is juicier than this one.

***

Ok here I am reviewing part 2 from last night (2/20).

Here we are flashing back to the conversation about putting sugar in your vagina to make it sticky. I don’t get that…isn’t the point to make it NOT sticky?

Plus, any time someone talks about food and sex together, I just picture the disgusting scene in Don’t Be a Menace…and that’s just wrong.

EVERYONE: Stop saying va-jay-jay. Seriously.  Stop.

Next, embarrassing flashbacks of Sheree’s dates with the “doctor” who supposedly got his PhD online.

Now some clips on the housewives as moms. It seems as though most of the kids are doomed, except maybe Kandi’s daughter.  This talk about kids and their missing fathers is way too deep for a Real Housewives Reunion.

Of course, I just want crazy drama – not this real life stuff that affects the children. Lets move on! I almost want to fast forward through it but I’m worried I’ll miss something.

Is it awful that I want to buy some Christian Louboutins just so everyone knows by their red bottoms? I’ll take these. Size 8. Thanks.

Now, we’re onto Phaedra’s pregnancy. During the season she claimed that she didn’t really know when her due date was. She claimed around 7 months that the baby already weighed 8 lbs so she was further along.

Of course, when she went in to have her C-section, the doctor said that she was FULL TERM. Phaedra still tried to play it off like other doctors have different theories. This is all because she wasn’t married when she got pregnant. Allegedly.

For some reason Phaedra thinks that asking when your due date is, it is all about gossiping.  She also claims she didn’t know the due date because she had fertility issues. She’s so full of shit.

Another controversy surrounding Phaedra is that her husband is an ex-convict, while Phaedra is a lawyer. Apollo was in prison for racketeering, organized crime. I thought it had something to do with stealing cars. I’m still confused. He’s out now, I guess that’s all that matters.

“The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” hasn’t been released yet by Kim or Kandi because they have not come to an agreement.

Someone wrote in and asked why none of the housewives will admit that Kim can’t sing. No one will either confirm nor deny except Phaedra who says that they all know Kim is not a vocalist but she has some “curb appeal”. Take that as you wish.

Kandi estimates that “Tardy for the Party” has made between $80,000  and $100,000.  She reveals that all she has received is about $3,000 for it. To quote Nene, “That’s just CRAZY.”

This season started off with Kim and Nene as friends again and all was right with the world. When Nene did an interview with Jermaine Dupris, she slammed Kim a little bit. Kim took that as Nene being jealous. So when Nene joined Kim and Kandi on the bus tour, Nene let Kim have it. This was the beginning of the end.

Nene seemed so incredibly angry that there must have been more going on. Even now, during the reunion, Nene is not the funny lady that I want to be friends with. It makes me a little teary eyed.

Nene is stone faced and says she has no soft spot in her heart for Kim.

What’s next for the ladies? Andy Cohen wants to know.

Sheree is revamping her “She By Sheree” clothing line (she’s been working on this clothing line for a while now – it might be time to give up).

Kandi’s CD is doing well and she’s thinking about coming out with her own line of sex toys.

Cynthia is thinking of opening a modeling school.

Kim is having a baby in four months or so and working on her wig line.

Nene is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice (which means I’ll have to blog about that!).

Phaedra is in the process of buying a funeral home.

Silence.

The end. Blah! All in all this reunion pretty much blew it was even difficult to make it entertaining to write about.

Well, onto the next franchise – Miami!