Jersey Shore: The Worst Argument Person Ever (from 3/17)

Oh, we left off with the Arvin controversy. The controversy should be that it is an awful name.

Ronnie and Sammi are fighting. I'm pretty sure that it says the same sentence in all of my recaps except the one when Sammi was home. GET OVER IT!

Deena is rolling across the floor in a box. Honestly I would rather watch her rolling in the box than seeing Ron and Sam argue again.

Deena, Sammi and Snooki go to their pointless job at the "Shore Store".

Vinny and Snooki are going out for lunch. Snooki thinks that beer battered onion rings are served in beer. I guess like floating in beer. She's beginning to remind me of Jessica Simpson.  Vinny is talking about his hookup with a girl to Snooki, even though he knows she has feelings for him. However, he tells the camera that something could get serious with Snooki because he does have feelings for her.

Vinny doesn't have his ears pierced and is getting peer pressured by the other guys to get it done. He says he's nervous but people are reminding him that infants get their ears pierced. Pauly D (love!) has had his pierced since he was like seven years old and says "My boy's becoming a man!"

How funny is it that when people my age were growing up, getting earrings certainly didn't make you a man. Getting one earring (left is right and right is wrong) became cool at some point but never two. Only people like George Michael or Boy George had multiple piercings.

    

The guy at the Shore Store does it for him and Pauly D. is super excited. He has the widest smile and he says that Vinny's looking "fresh to death!"

I just noticed that Pauly D. is wearing rosary beads around his neck...I'm not religious but isn't that wrong? I thought you weren't supposed to wear them around your neck. But, how would I know I dropped out of CCD class when I was 14.

Everyone except the two lame-os are getting ready to go out. Deena's in a denim romper (yes, I said denim romper) and Pauly D. and Vinny are making fun of her. Pauly D. says that denim isn't in anymore. I'm sorry, I love Pauly D. but his ugly bedazzled t-shirts aren't in style. Well, maybe they are but I think they are ugly. So there. I don't like the romper either so no one wins here except for JWoww's boobs because they always win.

Pauly D.'s stalker, Danielle is once again stalking him. Mike thinks that she's going to kidnap him and slowly cut his blowout down to nothing. Another one of those lines that I think Mike wrote down and thought was going to be wicked funny but it was just a sad joke. He needs to hire Bethenny Frankel for some one liners.

Oh crap, we're back at the house with Ronnie and Sammi talking and eating. She's apologizing and hanging all over him while he is chowing down on his food.

Ron wants Sam to go and get her clothes because she's "sleeping upstairs, right?" Sam's response is "With you? In your bed?"

Nope, you're sleeping on the porch my dear.  That would be cool.  Alas, I don't get my wish and we get to see the two of them making out. Gross. It is like watching two corndogs make out.

Back at the club there are old big women dancing up on the boys. Pauly D.'s eyes are about to pop out of his head and he's screaming HELP!

For some reason there is a shot of Denim Deena dancing up on a block and then the scene is cut to a pig roasting. Hmm....

The boys are so fed up with the girls at the club that they are just taking home what they can and see what happens. One of the girls says that the house smells like bandaids when she walks in. That's freaky...I'd turn around right there. Who wants to smell bandaids all night?

One of the girls' brother shows up. He says that he just wants to make sure they have a ride, whether it be now or tomorrow morning. Pauly D. sees this as his way out and asks if he can take his girl home tonight and Vinny's girl tomorrow. She's not really a grenade so she must be annoying or maybe she's what smells like bandaids.

She tells Pauly D. he's a fucking dick and says that she would rather fuck Mike anyway. EW. Who would want that?! He probably has like...old balls. Don't you imagine that when you think of him?

Vinny ends up kicking both girls out. Those earrings are apparently made of balls.

He then grabs his sloppy second, I mean...Snooki and drags her back to the bedroom area.  He says he is kidding but she is really upset. I don't blame her I guess.

Vinny and Sammi start having a little rap contest like "8 Mile". During Vinny's retaliation he slips on the floor and falls flat on his back.  That was the most exciting moment of the night.

The next day JWoww (who has been very quiet this episode so far), Pauly D. and Mike go to work at the Shore Store. Mike is sleeping on the floor in the dressing room. A delivery man piles boxes in front of the dressing room door so Mike says that he was locked in. This working thing is a joke - it made sense the first season because they were broke. Didn't Mike make like $5 mil last year?

Sam wore her contacts to sleep so today she's going blind. Ron is taking her to the doctor. I wonder if this is just a cover up for another butthole visit for Ron.

Ron's mom calls the house and Deena answers. For some reason it sounds like Ron's mother is wasted. She tells Deena "I love you." and "I'm tan." "I am tan." "I look Indian." Deena doesn't know what to do so she hands the phone to JWoww.

She's going on and on about the Ron and Sam drama. The girls pass the phone off to Mike. Yes, big mouth Mike. He tells Ron's drunk mother the story about Arvin.

A little later when Ron and Sam get back, JWoww meets them at the door to ask them to clean the upstairs bathroom and to tell Ron that his mother's been drunk dialing all day. At that moment, the phone is quacking and when Mike answers it we hear "I miss you!!" It's Ron's mom again. He's very angry at his mother for embarrassing him. He hangs up on her.

JWoww tells Sam what Mike told Ron's mom. Got that? Too many people in that sentence.  Sam is pissed.

Outside, Mike is making things worse by telling Ron that Sam definitely wanted to get with Arvin if it didn't work out with Ron. When Sam finds out she goes out there to confront Mike and they swear and argue over each other. I actually have closed captions on so I can read it but it's still blah blah blah.

However, suddenly Mike says "You are the worst argument person ever. All you do is keep repeating 'you're a piece of shit' 'you're a crock of shit'".  I love that he says argument person instead of arguer and that he's actually right.

Mike is going to call Arvin to verify Sam's story that he's just a friend and that she wasn't trying to get with him. I think the name Arvin speaks for itself but I have different taste than Sam.

The guys go inside. When Snooki tells Sam that the guys are mind-fucking Ron, Sam says "totally" and she's making the ugliest face I've ever seen.

I am doing something I have NEVER done before during a recap. I am taking photos of the screen while it is paused with my Blackberry and I'm going to post them here. That's how ugly her face is when she says it.

Am I wrong?

Mike calls Arvin to verify the situation. Arvin says that they've hung out as friends but they've made out here and there. Ron is pissed and heads outside in a 'roid rage. We don't get to see the argument until the season finale next week. Awww.

How did you like the screen shot effect of this episode? Should I do this for other shows when a funny moment comes up or some ugly clothes, awful makeup or hemp necklace?

Survivor: Redemption Island: Turtles! (from 3/16)

The yellow tribe had to cuddle up under the tarp last night because it was pouring. Crazy Phillip 007 slept behind Rob with his knee in his back the whole time. I wouldn't have been worried about his knee...there isn't much material between the tightie-pinkies and 007's 007.

Now Rob thinks that Phil should stay because he annoys everyone so much that it takes the heat off of Rob.

At the purple camp, people are catching fish left and right. They decide that Stephanie and Krista (Russell's ex-pawns) are going to watch the duel. They want to send a message to the other tribe that they were Russell's girls and they will be ready to go against their own team at the merge.

Lucky for the yellow team, Rob and the handsome Grant are viewing the duel. Rob is in control of the yellow team so it is best that he's there to hear the young girls' pleas.

Big Boobs McGee was sent to Redemption Island last week. Sorry...Kristina. So she is going against Matt, who has won every duel he's been in. Jeff explains what everyone already knows, the loser of this duel goes home and has no shot at the million dollars. No pressure.

The duel consists of making a box out of pieces, like a 3D puzzle. Matt wins again so Boobies is going home. Sorry guys. What am I saying? Sorry me, too. I'm a straight woman and I can't stop staring at the boobs. I have boob envy.

The purple girls make it known to Rob and Grant that they are willing to merge with them and go against their tribe. Who knows if Rob & Grant believe them?

Two of the girls on yellow don't do anything except shampoo their hair and tan on the beach.

Phillip is trying to pull Andrea into an alliance with him if Matt is able to return to the tribe. The only way that this will work is if they win the immunity challenge today so they don't have to send anyone else home. If they merge, Andrea, Matt and crazy Phil could have a chance to merge with the other tribe because they are going to want to get Rob out immediately since he is a huge threat. We shall see.

The purple girls are on their way back to their camp. Krista asks Stephanie "What all are we going to tell them?" What all?? Why do people add "all" when they ask questions like this? I've noticed it lately. Like, "Who all is going to go to the party?" Why is ALL there??

Sorry...grammar police checked in for a second.

The purple tribe seems pretty confident about winning the next challenge. They have won every single one except the one they lost on purpose.

This challenge consists of one person for each team calling out and leading the team members who are blindfolded, through a maze. They have to find bags that are tied up and bring them to one spot. Stephanie and Rob are the ones calling out for each team and I'm surprised that Stephanie isn't that bad.

Once the bags are all collected onto the perspective tables, Rob and Stephanie will have to empty the bags and complete a puzzle. Yellow team has all of their bags but purple is behind because Hairy Ralph doesn't know left from right.

Rob is supposedly a good puzzle maker. However, the camera sees Rob drop one of his puzzle pieces on the ground and he has no clue. Oh...no wait, he found it. It is kind of neck and neck here. I'm biting my nails.

I knew it was "The Sweet Taste of Victory" as soon as I saw the word Victory at the end. The prize was a bunch of donuts, hello???

Rob and the yellow team wins. This is good news for Phil and Andrea.

Everyone on the yellow tribe are chowing down on donuts. Those things are going to sit in their stomach like rocks.

Rob and Grant find the clue to the hidden immunity idol in the coffee so they do a little maneuvering and Rob is able to get away with the clue as he's going to get water. He's running through the jungle. He went to his spot where he hid the original clue (no one knows he had found that and in turn has the immunity idol) and swapped them out. He knows the original clue was not helpful so he's going to let Grant and whoever else see that one, while he has the new clue hidden.

We get to see a turtle burying her eggs in the sand, that's amazing. This isn't the actual turtle from the show.

(from www.gettyimages.com)


I really need to start watching National Geographic channel or something more often because this stuff fascinates me.

Purple tribe seems to be not as unified as they were. However, Stephanie and Krista are clearly on the chopping block because of their unity with Russell.  Some people think that Krista is #1 to go and some think that Stephanie is #1 to go.  Sarita thinks that David, who is a lawyer, a bigger threat and seems to interrupt a lot should go home but I doubt that will happen.

Too much talking during this tribal council.  This whole episode has been pretty uneventful I guess. Predictable from the beginning. Krista gets voted out. The other tribe is probably hugging their stomachs in pain from all the donuts. Poops in the woods. Seeing that turtle bury the eggs was the best part.

Oh!!! And I just saw a baby turtle using its flippers to hop along the sand! THAT was the best part.



 (from www.labspaces.net)

That isn't THE baby turtle from the show, but one I found to show how cutie wootie it is!!!!

Looks like next week crazy 007 comes out again so it should be more interesting.

Teen Mom: Even More Eyeliner, Bananas and Randalicious (from 3/15)

Way to start the night MTV...Miserablyn kicks off the show with her dark clouds and misery.

Kailyn explains to her school friends that Jo is holding her stuff (and Isaac) hostage until she pays him the $600 she owes him.  I don't like that he's using Isaac like that but I'm with him about the money. She is working two jobs now and you mooched off his parents for how long? PAY HIM BACK BITCH!

Kailyn needs black shoes for work and her mom lets her borrow her black Crocs. Classic.

Jo's parents are drinking wine and concerned about how Jo is doing after the issue with Suzi, Kailyn and the cops. He he has everything under control.

Off topic but everytime the camera stays on someone backing out of their driveway on TV or in a movie, I automatically brace myself for someone crashing into them. Am I alone here? Am I just a pessimist?

Kailyn picked up Isaac from Jo's house and his brother wheeled him out to her through the garage in his stroller like he was wheeling a refrigerator out on a dolly. I guess he didn't want to physically hand him over. And does he LIVE in the garage because that's where he is when Kailyn drops off or picks up Isaac?

She calls Jo later to discuss custody and she wants Isaac Monday through Friday and Jo has him Friday night and Saturday night. I guess she plans on some wild dates with Jordan on the weekends and also wants to make sure Jo isn't going out. Somehow Jo agrees to this.

Later in the week Kailyn has Jo's money so she's planning to go get her stuff. She goes out to eat with Jordan and Isaac and Jordan holds the baby like he's carrying out the trash.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD THE PHONE!

Kailyn smiled.

That doesn't last long because it is time to pick up her things. She has a check for Jo but she won't sign it over until she has her things. Jo has everything locked in a room in Angelina-style luggage (garbage bags). A big brawl ensues and Jo is swearing, yelling and slams the door as Kailyn and Suzi walk out. Actually - it sort of looked like Janet slammed the door. Awkward!!!



Chelsea, her dad and Aubree go out to eat to discuss what happened with her and Adam. Wild.

Days later we see Adam and his friends riding four wheelers and dirt bikes in the road. Adam is SO cool, he even pulls a wheelie. No wonder Chelsea loves him so much.

They happen to pull into the parking lot of the same restaurant that Chelsea was at in the opening scene. Maybe Redrossa sponsored this very special episode, along with Monster drink and Subaru.

Adam explains to his friends, one with ugly hair that is sticking out of his hat like he's the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, that he and Chelsea broke up. He says she was too controlling and that he shouldn't have to be home every damn night. I guess his idea of being a dad doesn't involve actually taking care of his daughter.

He says that he's going to miss Aubree, that's for sure with a smile and a laugh. Please let him fall off his four wheeler the next time he pulls a wheelie.

Now that Adam is gone, Chelsea can be friend with Megan again so she calls her and asks her to go to the butterfly place with her and Aubree. 

How Megan gets herself pregnant after seeing what Chelsea has gone through with Adam is beyond me. I don't think she's pregnant while they are filming, I just know this from the tabloids because I guess I'm like a Teen Mom stalker. Not just any "teen" moms...THE Teen Moms.

Chelsea and her dad go out for dessert so she can update him on her life and maybe hit him up for a birthday gift. I guess a house, a car, utilities, food, clothes, hair products, leopard print everything and this dessert doesn't count.  She asks for Lady Gaga tickets.

They order dessert and for some reason Randy is surprised at how fast it comes out. They don't have to cook ice cream dude.

Of course Randy buys the Lady Gaga tickets for Chelsea and her friends and also books a hotel for them. On the way to the out of town event, Chelsea checks her facebook from her phone and Adam left her a nice message wishing her a happy birthday and that he still loves her. If she takes him back again I'm going to...well, do nothing. But I'll be annoyed.

She calls her dad to let him know (whom she calls Randalicious) and then they get to the hotel to load up on makeup and hairspray. They head to the concert and luckily I don't have to actually hear any Lady Gaga music.



Jenelle and Reefer are still heading to New Jersey. It must be a bad neighborhood they are heading to because Jenelle has brass knuckles around her neck. No wait, that's mini brass knuckles hanging off a dirty hemp necklace.

She has stolen...er....borrowed her mom's credit cards for food and gas. While filling up the tank Reefer tells her to use Premium gas. I hope she does and it fucks up her whole car because you can't just SWITCH gas, right?

They reach Reefer's brother Chris' house and he's there with his girlfriend Jana who has one of those bull nose piercings. She pretends to be interested in Jenelle's life by asking about her son and Jenelle tells her that he is "one years old". One years? I don't think Jenelle has one brains.

The four go out to have sushi. How much you want to bet Jenelle's putting that shit on Barbara's card? Sushi can get expensive...but Jenelle orders chicken teriyaki.

For some reason she answers the phone when Barbara calls her. Barb knows that Jenelle stole two of her credit cards. She tells her she no longer has a place to live and Jenelle calmly tells her that she'll be there to get her stuff. Jenelle seems to have no concern about Jace whatsoever.

Barbara tells her that she cannot come in the house or she'll have her arrested and that she can never see her baby again. Jenelle doesn't shed a tear.

They are headed home and since Barbara has cancelled her credit cards, I don't know how they are paying for gas, food and weed on the way home. Wait, they can't use a credit card for weed anyway. How are they going to survive?!?!

Barbara packs up Jenelle's things Angelina-style and puts them on the porch swing.  When Jenelle goes there she walks right past them and into the house. Barbara asks for her credit cards back and Jenelle says she doesn't have them but she won't say where they are. She also tells her that she returned the financial aid check from the college because she no longer lives there.

Barbara starts yelling and I want to cry for Jace. Jenelle is ignoring Barbara completely and she picks up Jace and starts screaming right in Jace's ear. My heart is broken for this little boy. STOP YELLING!!! STOP YELLING!!! STOP YELLING!!! I hate both Jenelle AND Barbara right now.


Leah is working on wedding plans and picking out flowers. She likes the most expensive ones and Corey's mom with her too much eyeliner and Leah's mom with her light socket hair are just cringing. Leah says she worries about having enough money to pay for this...

...and then the scene cuts to a shot of their non-mobile-mobile home and their porch with beams but no railings. Was that on purpose MTV?

Corey's dad and stepmom are taking the twins for the weekend because it is Corey and Leah's bachelor/bachelorette party. Hopefully Corey doesn't wear one of his too tightly curled brim hats to the strip club because he won't get any lapdances.

Leah's bachelorette party consists of a bunch of girls at her mom's house, some weird soap, a squishy thing people stick their fingers in that Leah's mom thinks "it feels like one of them balls", bananas and condoms. Someone even blows up a condom like a balloon and they bat it around the room giggling. I'm sad for them.

This banana condom thing probably should have happened about two years ago...but then again, they wouldn't be on TV if they used birth control.

One of Leah's friends must be named Debbie Downer because she actually says "what if you're missing out on something more." Someone needs to push her off the porch because who says that to their friend at their bachelorette party? However, Leah's mom's house actually has railings so it would be more difficult to push her off than if they were at Leah's house.

I was giving Corey way too much credit when I mentioned a strip club. Corey's bachelor party is a bunch of guys standing around a fire in a field. There aren't many subtitles so I can't understand anything these guys are talking about.

The next day Leah is stressed out about the wedding plans. She should be stressed about how much money she spends on eyeliner because she uses way too much.

Supposedly it is the next day but Leah's still wearing the same shirt, I think. And not surprisingly she's loading up on the eyeliner while talking to her mom. I picture a secret closet in her house jam packed full of eyeliner.

The next day the twins are back home and Leah scrunches her hair for the occasion. She either ran out of eyeliner or ran out of time because she's non-raccoon-eyed upon the girls' arrival.  However, she found a spare pencil because when she talks to Corey about maybe not getting married she's loaded up again. But - this could just be editing on MTV's part.

I couldn't tell you what their conversation consisted of because there were no subtitles. It isn't any kind of cliffhanger about them getting married because we know they are married by now based on their US Weekly article.


I SAW A PREVIEW OF A NEW SEASON OF 16 & PREGNANT STARTING APRIL 19TH!!

Until next week, stock up on eyeliner and garbage bags!

Bethenny Ever After (from 3/14)

Bethenny's baby nurse Gina is still living there, even though she sleeps through Bryn's crying while she's RIGHT next to her crib.

B heads out with Bryn in her baby carrier and she seriously looks like a doll stuck in there. It doesn't look comfortable at all. I don't know how long they are out but when they return, Gina is still sleeping.

There is apparently a huge demand for the Skinny Girl Margarita and there isn't enough product. I'm not sure why B can't control this or find out what's happening and she wants Jason to help her by stepping up to someone.

Nick, the awkward unshaven foodie friend stops by with a sandwich and I'm dying. I'm on a diet and I LOVE sandwiches. This is difficult to watch. Luckily, Nick's hair and unshaven face makes me lose my appetite.

Nick: "Have you ever been to the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck?"

B: "The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck? Are there big gays on it?"

Nick: "No, just a regular gay."

Foodie Nick is a little funny. When B introduces him to Bryn he says "Nice to meet you" as serious as can be.

Nick asks about B's assistant that she hired over him. I've been wondering what happened to Max as well. B doesn't want to talk about it. Great.

While B is at a photo shoot, Gina brings Bryn. Gina is clearly upset. It sounds like he's stealing money from her and screwing her over.

B is at her therapist...blah blah blah - I get a bit bored with this part because she's just telling him the same thing she's telling the camera all the time.

For Gina's birthday B is treating her to a manicure and pedicure. The first thing Gina asks the girl at the desk is "Do you wax the vaginas too?" Multiple vaginas.

B is explaining what happened with Max...basically he's a horrible employee and should have been fired a long time ago. He liked to be on TV, I guess.

Max shows up in some turquoise sneakers and B confronts him about his lack of work, laziness and how he has crossed the line several times (like going up to Jason at a party and asking for a condom).

B is getting angry and this is very uncomfortable. I think he's fired.

Jason and B go to a Bright Stars event (baby stuff). While B is being interviewed, Jason is surrounded by women and he's just like one of the girls. One of them inappropriately wants to talk about porn with him. Otherwise, this whole scene was irrelevant.

Foodie time! B & Nick go to some food fair. People are awkwardly standing around taking photos with their phone. I'd be doing it on the sly.

Jason shows up at the food fair with Bryn and B sends Nick across the street to get some liquor. He runs back across the cross walk like he stole something and then B asks him to push the baby carriage. It is one awkward sight. Nick seems very sweet but so, so awkward.

The gang gets Gina a cake and Bethenny cuts the tiniest pieces of cake - no wonder she's so damn skinny. I've never seen a piece of cake that small. Four of them have eaten a piece but in my world it looks like the cake has had one piece gone.

Another day Jason is trying to explain to B the problems with the lack of production of the Skinny Girl Margarita but she just keeps interrupting him. I hate margaritas.

Bad Girls Club: Classin' It Up (from 3/14)

I wonder if there is going to be some maturity, quiet ladies and awesome makeup in this episode?

Kori says that if Ashley walks back into the Bad Girls house she's going to "pretty much wang her". Wang? Like Everybody Wang Chung tonight?

No wanging is going to happen though because Ashley is going home.

Jessica is picking up her brother Aaron at the airport. He is married so why is he visiting his sister at the Bad Girls Club? Jessica shows him around the house, including the bathroom and the "bombay". Yeah, that's a bidet.

Orange Jenn is on the phone with her boyfriend saying that her biggest pet peeve is when people talk about people behind their back...as she's talking about people behind their back. Her boyfriend is not really listening and says he has to go so that he can go eat some Subway.

The girls and Aaron, "minus the dweebs" (Mature Char's words...who says dweeb??) are going out to dinner to a nice restaurant. Aaron's wearing a classy t-shirt for the occasion that says something like "No one can take a Mexican". Jenn is in a puffy dress and she swears and argues with everyone at the table. I really hope this isn't actually a nice restaurant.

Either the Bad Girls house has some super fast handymen or Oxygen fucked up on the editing. When Jenn was on the phone with her boyfriend earlier, they focused in on the broken door handles to the phone room that someone attempted to use packing tape to fix.  However, tonight Nicki is on the phone and when she closes the doors for privacy the handles are intact and no tape in sight.

Everyone goes out for the night...puffy dress, married classy shirt guy, Lauren Lips, the whole gang! There are some scrubby Chippendales there for some reason - Fauxpendales? GenericChippens? Whatever...some are missing teeth and others have some belly rolls. Lauren licks alcohol off of one of their chests and I imagine it tasted like sweat and cologne.

When dancing, Jenn starts making the "oooah? oooah?" sound (you know...like that squawk people make when they are raising the roof?) But she sounds like a pelican that has been harmed in some way.

Aaron is wasted and flirting with the girls. He also can barely walk. Back at the house he walks around in some tighty blue-ies and white sandals. He jumps into bed with Kori. Then in the middle of the night he gets up, takes his underwear off and lays on the floor. The next morning Kori said that he peed in Jessica's bed.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! He's an adult, a married man and gets so drunk while on TV that he pees in his sister's bed and then sleeps naked on the floor. I'm so mortified for his wife. I hope they don't have kids.

The next night or a couple nights later the girls take a limo to go out. The limo driver stops on the way to the bar and they are picking up the new roommate. Her name is Wilmarie, she's not good looking and she's wearing a hideous dress. Hideous. She also doesn't know how to disguse her cankles by wearing certain shoes.

Of course, no one is welcoming. She tells Jenn that where she's from in New Jersey is about 20 minutes away from where Jenn is from. Luckily Oxygen shows us a map to explain. Jenn says she lives in North Jersey and that South Jersey is dirty. However, on the map Wilmare is right, its about 20 minutes away from her...far from "south" Jersey.

At the bar Jenn suddenly looks like she has had a stroke and she's talking out of only one side of her mouth.

Nicki just said "haterade", did one of the armpit fart things with her hand and the new girl tells Lauren to remind her to pee because she WILL piss herself. Oooah! Oooah!

Back at the house we have a better view of Wilmarie's dress and it is even more hideous than I first thought.

While pouring four shots for the new girl, Char announces to her that she farted. On the way up the stairs Char tells her that she's glad that she's 27 like her and hopes she's not immature. Maybe she thinks that not admitting when you fart is immature?

Willy and Jenn are fighting and Jenn is calling her a replacement even though Jenn herself just replaced someone two weeks ago. Willy's dress is so damn ugly I can't get past it.

Jenn is one of those people who thinks that the louder she is, the tougher she is. She also says how she's got class. Anyone who has to tell people that they are classy is NOT classy. That's like how you know they aren't...when they say it.

Willy threatens to throw Jenn in the dumpster and Jenn's response is "Oh with my fuckin' Gucci and everything?" and Willy says it is fake. But wait, Jenn is classy...its real Gucci. We know this because she tells the other girls that she's classy and has real Gucci. Sure Jenn...and that isn't a Member's Only jacket you're wearing in the narrative interviews.

Willy takes off her underwear and pees in the bed. How is it that no one can control their bladder?

Jessica talks to her mother and she tells her that Aaron's wife isn't living at home anymore. GOOD! Who wants to be married to a man that goes on the Bad Girls Club and wets the bed? In the hot tub later Jessica tells the other girls that she hasn't been able to set foot in her brother's house for three years - apparently his wife didn't allow it.

The next day Nicki and Willy are at the Pink Taco discussing the fact that Jenn is their target to get out of the house. When they come back we see that Willy is wearing ugly ass skin tight pants. WTF? She has a plastic bag that says "Fucci" on it and she's talking with a valley girl voice in the confessional. This makes no sense since she and Jenn are both from Jersey and have Jersey accents.

Nicki thinks she's insulting Jenn by calling her "weak sauce". How old is she again?

Willy and her ugly pants are drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Gross.

Nicki, Willy and Lauren hang up pieces of paper that say WEAK on it all over the house. Oh snap, burn!!

The Real Housewives of OC: My Kid is Smarter Than Yours (from 3/13)

All I have to say is this episode better be better than next week. So far I'm just picturing Tamra's completely frozen face from all the botox or whatever and I'm feeling nauseated.


Gretchen is starting off the episode...no wait. Slade naked in the shower is starting off the episode. Gross.

It is ridiculous when they set up these scenes - Gretchen still "sleeping". Ok you didn't let the cameramen in the house before that? And does anyone seriously sleep in a sheer white nightgown with white lace underwear and bra? I mean, come on. I sleep in a Poison t-shirt and Adidas shorts - yes I have multiple of both. Even if cameramen were going to see me get out of bed, I'd still be wearing that.

Shawna, Gretchen's assistant comes over and they discuss the party (last week's episode) and how Shawna really didn't have her back in the argument when Alexis called her a princess. I'm distracted by the fact that Gretchen looks really OLD in this scene. Something about her makeup I guess. Her skin is awful - am I a bitch?



Tamra is hanging out with her lesbian friend. Ugh...Tamra now reminds me of annoying drunk girls that pleaded for attention when we were 21 by flirting with other girls. No matter how many guys "ogle" you, you're still annoying. When a person pretends to be someone they are not it really chaps my ass. (I love Melmo).

Tamra makes sexual innuendos about her wine opener that in no way looks like a penis. Plus - the woman is a lesbian, doesn't she get turned off by the penis? Tamra is pathetic.  Then she talks about how happy she is now that she's getting divorced. She has to announce this because no one can tell if she smiles or frowns because her face is frozen.

Tamra's lesbian friend has the same bad acne as Gretchen, equally badly covered up. What is up with the OC? People's right cheeks are no good out there.

Maybe I'm noticing all of this because I have an high-def TV now. Scary.

Tamra talks about her new boyfriend but then cries about her divorce from Shitty Simon. I wonder if she's sad about the money he had. No, he was a dick to her...I'll give her that.

Tamra's business partner's name is Marcos Prolo. Seriously?



(from www.icanhascheezburger.com)

I want to go swimming now. Marco?
Polo!!!

They are out looking for a new place for Tamra to live. Where has she been living for the first episode and a half?



Vicki's turn. I was surprised to hear on last week's Watch What Happens Live that she and Don are getting divorced. Obviously this was filmed prior to that.

Don hangs out with his new dog Walter a lot. Their dog Jake died a few months ago and that made me frown. And yes - you could tell that I was frowning, my face moves like a human being.

Vicki is off to Seattle for some insurance training seminar thing. She gets an award for being the most psychotic insurance lady. Woo hoo!

Vicki's daughter Briana worked 13 hours in the ER (she's a nurse), got on a flight to Seattle and just wants a nap. However, Vicki invites all of her wild insurance people to the room to party. Nice.

They leave the room and downstairs and Briana joins them. Vicki tries to set her up with every single guy sitting around them. And now I'm obsessed with how bad Vicki looks. This HD really screwed these ladies.

When the group goes bowling, Vicki is flirting with one of the guys and he's flirting back, right in front of Briana. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised about her divorce announcement now.

The next morning Vicki sexually harasses her social media coordinator by pulling his sheets off in bed to smack his butt while he's wearing green speedos. She makes him order her breakfast for her even though he has no idea what she's asking for. Why can't she just take the phone from him and order it? I want to smack her.

Everyone goes on a boat where Vicki yells "woo hoo" way too many times and some skanks flash their boobs to the camera.

Briana talks to her friend about how she wants to move away from her mom. Don't blame ya, B. I'm actually not sure how you turned out so seemingly not annoying.



Get out your bibles and fake boobies because we're onto Alexis. She visits her friend Peggy who is going to be the new housewife. They go to a park for a picnic and Peggy feeds her daughter hummus. Gross.

The two of them talk to each other and to the camera about how great their kids are.  Serious competition here. "Oh they are in big girl beds?" "Off the bottle!" "Potty training is hard." "Mine was potty trained at two weeks." Peggy's daughter is articulate and Alexis' daughter scribbles better than anyone else in their class.  I'm going to vomit soon. Hummus and delusional moms in one scene. If some bad acne pops up next I'll grab a bucket.

Peggy: "So you know how I've had London (her daughter) modeling since she was three months old?" (Start that eating disorder early, Peggy...you don't want to be behind the other moms.) She is signing up her other daughter with the agency now.

Alexis says they've had James do modeling and they loved him (who is James? They have a son?) but she didn't want to do all of that driving. Peggy automatically assumes that the agency probably didn't want to sign the kid but Alexis makes herself feel better by saying she didn't want to commit to driving so much. Peggy is officially obnoxious.

Peggy: "London counts up to 30."

Alexis: "They (the twins) can count up to 6 in Spanish."

Me: "My 10 month old can point at the ceiling fan AND spit food out at the same time."

Do they not hear themselves? I feel bad for those kids.



Peggy's first solo scene. She and her husband are getting ready to go fire guns at a range and Peggy's worried about what shoes to wear and goes with heels. They jump in their fancy Hummer (I think) and they show off the completely unnecessary technology inside it. Unless you're living and working in there, you don't need all that shit.

I hate Peggy. She keeps using the word 'bling' and the last I checked this isn't the 90s. At least she's not wearing hemp necklaces a la Jenelle from Teen Mom.

She also keeps pointing out that she is not the stereotypical Orange County woman which basically means she is and she's trying to make it look better. She is blond with fake boobs, definitely work done on her face, she married "not just for money" and is putting both of her daughters into modeling.



Alexis meets up with Tamra at the gym. For some reason even though it is Orange County and clearly not cold, Alexis is wearing Uggs. She also has fake eyelashes on, full makeup and jewelry...to work out at the gym. Tamra is wearing sweats. For once she's my favorite person in the room. Even the yoga instructor is wearing earrings. Who works out in jewelry? I mean like dangly big earrings, the size of coasters.

After working out the two do what everyone does after a good workout...go for drinks. The lighting in this place is awful so in combination with HD makes it look like a horror movie.

Alexis is talking about how she is working now. She felt like she had no "me time" when she was just a stay-at-home-mom. This was the woman who in the previous season said she had two nannies and frequently went to the gym, shopping, the salon, tanning, out to lunch, dinner, drinks, parties. Now she wants MORE "me time".  Time to hire another nanny super mom!

Alexis' husband Jim is very controlling from what we've seen. He's one of THOSE husbands. Simon was very similar to that but Tamra didn't obey as well as Alexis does so they are divorcing.

Blind Alexis doesn't see their similarity but she also thinks that the man is SUPPOSED to control the woman. At least Simon is cuter than ugly Jim.

She actually says, out loud "There's times when I'm out of line and Jim has to put me back in line." Did anyone else picture Ike and Tina Turner?