Survivor: Redemption Island "You Can't Stand the Truth" (from 4/27)

Back at camp after Tribal Council, Steve extends the olive branch to Phillip and explains that he's not a racist and he just thought he was crazy.

Phillip tells the camera (in interview) that he doesn't feel like it was "genuous". Making up words now, I guess.

Rob is smart - he says as long as Phillip keeps up with these antics, he's taking him with him to the finals - because who in their right mind would vote Phillip to win - unless he gets the sympathy vote and people think he could use a million dollars for some psychotherapy.

While it was funny that Julie hid Phillip's shorts...now we have to watch him walk around in his saggy-pinkies.  Lucky for Phillip (and us) his great great grandfather came to him in a vision last night and told him he was going to find his shorts.  Julie had mentioned that she buried them under a rock so Phillip started digging under movable rocks. He found them. He starts trying to quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men but fails both times. "You can't stand the truth. You can't take the truth."

Mike, Julie and Jesus are on Raw Sewage Island. Jesus is depressed. He's crying while talking to the camera and saying that god wants him to be there. I hope he gets a visit from this guy and he tells him to "GIVE UP and go home! No one wants to hear you talk about me day in and day out. You're on a TV game show - I have nothing to do with this."

Upon arrival at the duel Jesus says that he's ready to go home. He will try in the challenge but he'll be ok with going home.

The duel is like shuffleboard. Jesus looks like he's giving up. Mike gets his first two "pucks" in the endzone so he's winning. Jesus catches up. Julie only has one.

Jesus gets three pucks in the endzone first so he's staying.  Then Mike gets three.  Julie is going home but will be part of the jury.  She says that she came on Survivor because her house is in foreclosure.  Maybe some Phillip hater will donate some money to her.

She mentions that it's been 28 days without brushing your teeth. What luxury item did she bring? I would have though toothbrush and paste would be the most popular luxury item.  I suppose they aren't eating sugar or anything but still...the film that must be on their teeth gives me the shivers.

Grant and Rob discuss possibly getting rid of Andrea before Steve and Hairy Ralph because she could still be in cahoots with Jesus.  While Grant is talking in interview he's wearing some weird looking girly sandals. At least they are covering his scary feet but I still can't get the image out of my head. His dreads are awesome but they aren't enough to make up for that black toenail.

Challenge time. Forget what I said about not having sugar. The prize in today's challenge is chocolate cake.

Grant wins and he gets to invite two people to eat with him - because this cake is enormous. I actually want to throw up just looking at it. He picks Rob (expected) and Andrea (apparently to make her feel like she might not be going home). They only have two minutes to eat as much as they can so it is pretty nasty.

The tribe has a mystery package from Jeff. They can't open it until Tribal Council.

Hairy Ralph is talking to Steve and not only can Steve not understand him but we can't either. And they aren't using many subtitles for him.

Steve approached two of the girls and asked them to vote along with him and Ralph and get rid of Rob. Personally, I think they are stupid if they don't get rid of Rob right now. He can win immunities and he's smart.

Voting time. Ralph is voted out. No big surprise there. Him and his hairy back are headed to Raw Sewage Island.

Steve gets to now open up the "twist" package. They are going to compete in an immunity challenge right away and then immediately vote out another member. What are they going to do at the Tribal Council area? Play Duck, Duck, Goose? There isn't a lot of room there.

Ok it's just a memory game. Rob wins immunity but Steve was SO close!  Now right into the next vote. Of course, Steve is the one to go. If someone doesn't get rid of Rob soon they deserve to lose.

Survivor: Redemption Island: Crazy Does Have a Color: It's Pink (from 4/20)

Matt is praying and telling his god that he wants out of the game but if "Lord" wants him to stay, he will. Yes, I'm sure if there is a higher power he's up there wanting you to play games in the jungle to win a million dollars. That's your life mission. That's what you were born to do.

I really dislike it when people "pray" about winning games, Grammy Awards, Oscars, etc. How about praying for sick people, for peace or for people to stop driving around with their music as loud as it can possibly go.  I mean, those things help everyone.

Back at camp, Phillip is chanting or something. Maybe his mind has really started to turn into mush and he can't get a real word out.

Oh ok, he's meditation and it is Buddhism.

The old Zapatera tribe (Hairy Ralph, Julie and Steve) have a lot of food leftover since most of their tribe members are gone. So they are happily eating up their rice in front of the others.  I now think that Phillip MIGHT be stealing some of their rice because now that they are one tribe, the rice is for all of them. Sure. That would only work if they were voting as one tribe instead of as the old tribes.

Onto the duel at Raw Sewage Island. Matt, Mike, and David are fighting for their lives by building a house of cards (not actual cards, they are like tiles). The first two who reach their deck to 8 feet will stay alive and the last will be out but will be the first jury member.

Mike gets his the tallest first but putting his last set on the top makes the tower lean a bit. He's shaking.

Mike is able to finish, then Matt.  David is going home and will be on the jury.

Matt keeps talking about the lord. Maybe because he's starting to look like pictures of what Jesus may have looked like he's feeling closer to him.  Either that or Kid Rock.

Back at camp Andrea opens the rice and sees that there are maggots in there. You can't tell in this picture but trust me...some of these things were moving. Gross.

They dump the rice out onto a blanket and separate the maggots. They now have nowhere to put their good rice so they ask Steve if they can put their rice into their container. Steve says "I don't think so" and I don't blame him. Why should he? So they can eat some of their rice before the kick them off one by one? Nope. All set.

It is quite unfortunate that Phillip looks naked in this scene.

Thankfully, he lifted up his arm and I saw his tightie-pinkies. I never thought I would be happy to see those things. But I do NOT want to see Phillip naked.

Phillip starts arguing with Steve and saying that they are being unreasonable. The minute their can of rice is left alone, he's going to take it and hide it. Smooth Phillip. You are such a secret agent.

Steve calls Phillip a lunatic, rightfully so. Phillip suddenly says "Anytime someone of my color gets up in your face you call them a lunatic." Oh cheeseandrice.

Now Phillip says that he's the Chief of Counterintelligence. If this is in any way true, we Americans should be afraid...very afraid.

He keeps pointing out his status of being a federal agent and even though only one person is on camera (Steve who does a great salute) I know that ALL of them were rolling their eyes. Even the cameramen.

Phillip is CRAZY...and it isn't because he's black. He's just fucking crazy. I was going to title this recap "Crazy Has No Color" but I had to change it. Crazy Does Have a Color: It's Pink.

Since he's losing weight on the island, his tightie-pinkes are now loose and baggy. Ew. He has also resorted to using the "n" word so now I hate him even more.

Challenge time! The first six who finish the puzzle first move onto a second puzzle. The winner gets immunity.

First six: Rob, Julie, Ralph, Andrea, Steve and Grant.

Second round: Rob wins immunity. He's the puzzle master apparently.

The only shot Steve, Julie and Ralph have is if two of the others join them in voting out Phillip.

Julie hides Phillip's shorts as they are hanging on the clothesline. So now we are all going to be forced to see him in his loosie-pinkies forever.  PLEASE vote him out because I can't watch this.

Phillip is of course going nuts. Threatening people and now wearing his "buff" over his pink bulge.

At tribal council Phillip says that he can tell that Steve was the one who stole his "trunks" and Jeff says "And you could tell...this goes back to your former training."  Phillip says "Absolutely." I laughed out loud. And I will repeat...we as Americans should be very afraid if he really was a former agent.

                                                       

Phillip thinks that when Steve calls him 'crazy' he's really calling him the "n" word. He's losing his mind.

Jeff wonders how he has jumped to that conclusion and in response Phillip says "Do you know what it's like to be a woman?"

Of course Jeff says no.

Phillip "You don't. You don't know what it's like to be an African American."

Jeff: "Ok...Phillip...."

Phillip: "Let me finish! You asked me a question I'm gonna go there. When I worked for the government as a federal agent in the department that I worked in, I was the only one of 67. I can't sum it up in words, but I know it when I see it." 

He then compares it to how a woman knows when a guy makes an inappropriate remark. Ummm...how on earth is knowing that crazy = "n" word and a woman understanding when a guy is a pig the same thing. Not even related, what the hell is he talking about?

Somehow Jeff makes some sense of it all - kind of. Julie admits that she was the one who hid the shorts. Nice super secret agent intelligence Phil.

Votes: Phillip, Phillip, Phillip, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie...Julie is voted out. Ugh. Now we have to see more loosie-pinkie. Great.

Survivor: Redemption Island: Turtles! (from 3/16)

The yellow tribe had to cuddle up under the tarp last night because it was pouring. Crazy Phillip 007 slept behind Rob with his knee in his back the whole time. I wouldn't have been worried about his knee...there isn't much material between the tightie-pinkies and 007's 007.

Now Rob thinks that Phil should stay because he annoys everyone so much that it takes the heat off of Rob.

At the purple camp, people are catching fish left and right. They decide that Stephanie and Krista (Russell's ex-pawns) are going to watch the duel. They want to send a message to the other tribe that they were Russell's girls and they will be ready to go against their own team at the merge.

Lucky for the yellow team, Rob and the handsome Grant are viewing the duel. Rob is in control of the yellow team so it is best that he's there to hear the young girls' pleas.

Big Boobs McGee was sent to Redemption Island last week. Sorry...Kristina. So she is going against Matt, who has won every duel he's been in. Jeff explains what everyone already knows, the loser of this duel goes home and has no shot at the million dollars. No pressure.

The duel consists of making a box out of pieces, like a 3D puzzle. Matt wins again so Boobies is going home. Sorry guys. What am I saying? Sorry me, too. I'm a straight woman and I can't stop staring at the boobs. I have boob envy.

The purple girls make it known to Rob and Grant that they are willing to merge with them and go against their tribe. Who knows if Rob & Grant believe them?

Two of the girls on yellow don't do anything except shampoo their hair and tan on the beach.

Phillip is trying to pull Andrea into an alliance with him if Matt is able to return to the tribe. The only way that this will work is if they win the immunity challenge today so they don't have to send anyone else home. If they merge, Andrea, Matt and crazy Phil could have a chance to merge with the other tribe because they are going to want to get Rob out immediately since he is a huge threat. We shall see.

The purple girls are on their way back to their camp. Krista asks Stephanie "What all are we going to tell them?" What all?? Why do people add "all" when they ask questions like this? I've noticed it lately. Like, "Who all is going to go to the party?" Why is ALL there??

Sorry...grammar police checked in for a second.

The purple tribe seems pretty confident about winning the next challenge. They have won every single one except the one they lost on purpose.

This challenge consists of one person for each team calling out and leading the team members who are blindfolded, through a maze. They have to find bags that are tied up and bring them to one spot. Stephanie and Rob are the ones calling out for each team and I'm surprised that Stephanie isn't that bad.

Once the bags are all collected onto the perspective tables, Rob and Stephanie will have to empty the bags and complete a puzzle. Yellow team has all of their bags but purple is behind because Hairy Ralph doesn't know left from right.

Rob is supposedly a good puzzle maker. However, the camera sees Rob drop one of his puzzle pieces on the ground and he has no clue. Oh...no wait, he found it. It is kind of neck and neck here. I'm biting my nails.

I knew it was "The Sweet Taste of Victory" as soon as I saw the word Victory at the end. The prize was a bunch of donuts, hello???

Rob and the yellow team wins. This is good news for Phil and Andrea.

Everyone on the yellow tribe are chowing down on donuts. Those things are going to sit in their stomach like rocks.

Rob and Grant find the clue to the hidden immunity idol in the coffee so they do a little maneuvering and Rob is able to get away with the clue as he's going to get water. He's running through the jungle. He went to his spot where he hid the original clue (no one knows he had found that and in turn has the immunity idol) and swapped them out. He knows the original clue was not helpful so he's going to let Grant and whoever else see that one, while he has the new clue hidden.

We get to see a turtle burying her eggs in the sand, that's amazing. This isn't the actual turtle from the show.

(from www.gettyimages.com)


I really need to start watching National Geographic channel or something more often because this stuff fascinates me.

Purple tribe seems to be not as unified as they were. However, Stephanie and Krista are clearly on the chopping block because of their unity with Russell.  Some people think that Krista is #1 to go and some think that Stephanie is #1 to go.  Sarita thinks that David, who is a lawyer, a bigger threat and seems to interrupt a lot should go home but I doubt that will happen.

Too much talking during this tribal council.  This whole episode has been pretty uneventful I guess. Predictable from the beginning. Krista gets voted out. The other tribe is probably hugging their stomachs in pain from all the donuts. Poops in the woods. Seeing that turtle bury the eggs was the best part.

Oh!!! And I just saw a baby turtle using its flippers to hop along the sand! THAT was the best part.



 (from www.labspaces.net)

That isn't THE baby turtle from the show, but one I found to show how cutie wootie it is!!!!

Looks like next week crazy 007 comes out again so it should be more interesting.

Bad Girls Club: Classin' It Up (from 3/14)

I wonder if there is going to be some maturity, quiet ladies and awesome makeup in this episode?

Kori says that if Ashley walks back into the Bad Girls house she's going to "pretty much wang her". Wang? Like Everybody Wang Chung tonight?

No wanging is going to happen though because Ashley is going home.

Jessica is picking up her brother Aaron at the airport. He is married so why is he visiting his sister at the Bad Girls Club? Jessica shows him around the house, including the bathroom and the "bombay". Yeah, that's a bidet.

Orange Jenn is on the phone with her boyfriend saying that her biggest pet peeve is when people talk about people behind their back...as she's talking about people behind their back. Her boyfriend is not really listening and says he has to go so that he can go eat some Subway.

The girls and Aaron, "minus the dweebs" (Mature Char's words...who says dweeb??) are going out to dinner to a nice restaurant. Aaron's wearing a classy t-shirt for the occasion that says something like "No one can take a Mexican". Jenn is in a puffy dress and she swears and argues with everyone at the table. I really hope this isn't actually a nice restaurant.

Either the Bad Girls house has some super fast handymen or Oxygen fucked up on the editing. When Jenn was on the phone with her boyfriend earlier, they focused in on the broken door handles to the phone room that someone attempted to use packing tape to fix.  However, tonight Nicki is on the phone and when she closes the doors for privacy the handles are intact and no tape in sight.

Everyone goes out for the night...puffy dress, married classy shirt guy, Lauren Lips, the whole gang! There are some scrubby Chippendales there for some reason - Fauxpendales? GenericChippens? Whatever...some are missing teeth and others have some belly rolls. Lauren licks alcohol off of one of their chests and I imagine it tasted like sweat and cologne.

When dancing, Jenn starts making the "oooah? oooah?" sound (you know...like that squawk people make when they are raising the roof?) But she sounds like a pelican that has been harmed in some way.

Aaron is wasted and flirting with the girls. He also can barely walk. Back at the house he walks around in some tighty blue-ies and white sandals. He jumps into bed with Kori. Then in the middle of the night he gets up, takes his underwear off and lays on the floor. The next morning Kori said that he peed in Jessica's bed.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! He's an adult, a married man and gets so drunk while on TV that he pees in his sister's bed and then sleeps naked on the floor. I'm so mortified for his wife. I hope they don't have kids.

The next night or a couple nights later the girls take a limo to go out. The limo driver stops on the way to the bar and they are picking up the new roommate. Her name is Wilmarie, she's not good looking and she's wearing a hideous dress. Hideous. She also doesn't know how to disguse her cankles by wearing certain shoes.

Of course, no one is welcoming. She tells Jenn that where she's from in New Jersey is about 20 minutes away from where Jenn is from. Luckily Oxygen shows us a map to explain. Jenn says she lives in North Jersey and that South Jersey is dirty. However, on the map Wilmare is right, its about 20 minutes away from her...far from "south" Jersey.

At the bar Jenn suddenly looks like she has had a stroke and she's talking out of only one side of her mouth.

Nicki just said "haterade", did one of the armpit fart things with her hand and the new girl tells Lauren to remind her to pee because she WILL piss herself. Oooah! Oooah!

Back at the house we have a better view of Wilmarie's dress and it is even more hideous than I first thought.

While pouring four shots for the new girl, Char announces to her that she farted. On the way up the stairs Char tells her that she's glad that she's 27 like her and hopes she's not immature. Maybe she thinks that not admitting when you fart is immature?

Willy and Jenn are fighting and Jenn is calling her a replacement even though Jenn herself just replaced someone two weeks ago. Willy's dress is so damn ugly I can't get past it.

Jenn is one of those people who thinks that the louder she is, the tougher she is. She also says how she's got class. Anyone who has to tell people that they are classy is NOT classy. That's like how you know they aren't...when they say it.

Willy threatens to throw Jenn in the dumpster and Jenn's response is "Oh with my fuckin' Gucci and everything?" and Willy says it is fake. But wait, Jenn is classy...its real Gucci. We know this because she tells the other girls that she's classy and has real Gucci. Sure Jenn...and that isn't a Member's Only jacket you're wearing in the narrative interviews.

Willy takes off her underwear and pees in the bed. How is it that no one can control their bladder?

Jessica talks to her mother and she tells her that Aaron's wife isn't living at home anymore. GOOD! Who wants to be married to a man that goes on the Bad Girls Club and wets the bed? In the hot tub later Jessica tells the other girls that she hasn't been able to set foot in her brother's house for three years - apparently his wife didn't allow it.

The next day Nicki and Willy are at the Pink Taco discussing the fact that Jenn is their target to get out of the house. When they come back we see that Willy is wearing ugly ass skin tight pants. WTF? She has a plastic bag that says "Fucci" on it and she's talking with a valley girl voice in the confessional. This makes no sense since she and Jenn are both from Jersey and have Jersey accents.

Nicki thinks she's insulting Jenn by calling her "weak sauce". How old is she again?

Willy and her ugly pants are drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Gross.

Nicki, Willy and Lauren hang up pieces of paper that say WEAK on it all over the house. Oh snap, burn!!

Survivor: Redemption Island: Covert Matters (from 3/9)

Ah, first night vision shot is a bunch of bats. This doesn't scare me as much as the snakes, spiders and frogs but I'm still worried.  Whenever I see bats I always picture Francis from The Goonies making a "cross" with his fingers to ward them away - like they were vampires.

Crazy Philip and his pink underwear are sweeping the dirt. What is the point in that?  Boston Rob is calling them "saggy-bottom panties" now. Finally someone says something about his underwear and they are as grossed out as I am. Rob calls them pink tightie-whities but they are really tightie-pinkies.

The tribe gets their note about sending two people to Redemption Island to watch the duel. Phillip definitely wants to visit because of his background as a "special agent with the United States government"...and us Americans lower our heads in embarrassment that Tightie-Pinkie was some kind of secret agent. What one has to do with the other is beyond me. Big Boobs goes with him.

Back at the purple tribe Russell's two pawns are sunbathing and still worshipping him.  Hairy Ralph reveals to all except the two that he has the immunity idol and Ralph is headed to watch the duel with one of the girls.

Matt and Russell are dueling on Redemption Island by playing some sort of Dominoes game. The way I play Dominoes anyway...setting them up standing up and knocking them down. Matt wins and Russell is crying. He makes some comments about his team basically sucking and Ralph decides to tell him and the others that are there that he found the immunity idol 15 seconds into the game. When Russell asks him to show him, Ralph starts rummaging through his bag and his teammate whispers "Don't do this" so Ralph says "I faked you!" I laughed out loud. "I faked you!" I'm going to start using that in my daily life...with Ralph's accent minus his hairy body.

Jeff confirms with Ralph that what he said about finding the idol was a lie. Mr. Secret Agent Tightie-Pinkie starts hollering that it wasn't a lie. I don't believe I've ever used the word hollering before but that is the only way I can describe Phillip's outburst.

Russell reveals to the orange team members who has an alliance on the purple team. Boy are the orange team members lucky that the super secret agent was there to decipher the cryptic clues.

While the duel was going on, Boston Rob plans a beach picnic with everyone and then pretends to be constipated and heads off into the jungle to secretly look for the immunity idol. For some reason even though I know he was lying about it I'm still grossed out picturing him squatting in the woods pushing out a hard poop.

He does find the idol up in a tree and while jumping to get it his sweat lands on the camera. Stinky.


At purple camp, Russell's pawns are for some reason still defending him and are upset that people are happy he's gone.

Phillip tells Big Boobs Kristina that they will NOT tell the tribe who has the idol on the other team. I am not sure of the logic on this one but I love that Kristina's response was "Well you have experience in these covert matters Phil, so whatever you think." Covert matters. hee hee

When the tribe ask if Russell revealed who had the idols or anything Mr. SSATP007 (Super Secret Agent Tightie-Pinkie 007) stammers "No...it was really weird."  I really hope he wasn't a spy.

Phillip tries to suck up to Rob by telling him everything that he said he was going to hold back.  This guy is awful. I'm thinking that his government job was actually just in his head...like in the movie A Beautiful Mind. Sorry...that was a spoiler to A Beautiful Mind. But if you haven't seen it by now you probably won't.


Immunity challenge time and it is sponsored by Craftsman/Sears. At one point in this little obstacle course two saws have to fall from the sky. Scary.

Grant on the yellow team basically flies through the air when he runs. He's the ex-NFL player. He's not as fast with the sawing. But he looked like a ballerina leaping through the course.

Purple team wins immunity and some food in a box from Sears. I think a lot of them will be pooping in the woods tonight!


At orange camp Phillip is trying to give a pep talk and everyone stares blankly. Phillip goes back into hunting mode to spear crabs and the tribe discuss voting Kristina or Phillip out.

I like Grant with his agile ballerina leaps and white guy dreads. He's my new crush.

Phil 007 is again making a fool of himself at tribal council. He's going on and on about how great he is and how he was honorably discharged from the army, yada yada yada. Don't they have to do psychological examinations to get on this show?

Kristina is voted out and is headed to Redemption Island.

Jersey Shore: Cheese and Poop (from 3/3)

Aw crap. I forgot Sammi came back at the end of last week. Greeeaaaat.  Ronnie is pissed about her coming back too.

I think the guys are having some sort of Sock Hop because they are all walking around the living room in their socks and all you see is a bunch of high top sneakers around the room. I did see a spray bottle so maybe they are shining them up.

They are making fun of Sammi by guessing what she's asking...Did Ron go to the club? Did he dance? Did he talk to girls? Did Pauly and Vinny talk to girls? Did Ron talk to the waitress?

The sad thing is - she probably did ask all of these questions.

Everyone gets ready to go out, Sammi in a purple dress with her bra showing in the back, JWoww in a pink corset-type top with her boob KABLOW popping out, hairspray all around and Mike in 80s looking black jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray vest. Do people really look like this out at clubs nowadays? I'm not all up in here with Mom Jeans or anything but I suppose I'm out of the loop.

At the club, Ron is acting like Sam...stalking her. Snooki is having feelings for Vinny. She's worried that Vinny is going to take someone home.

Meanwhile, Vinny is talking to a Dominican girl named Laura who tells him she wants to have ten of his babies right now. How is that any kind of pick up line? Yes, having babies means you have to have sex but why hit on someone by talking about having his babies?

"Oooohh yeah, I can't wait to get stretch marks from growing your baby inside me."

"You are so hot, I won't even complain when I get hemorrhoids when I'm pregnant with your baby."

"Please take me home tonight and knock me up so I can throw up for a few months, gain 50 lbs. and then sue you for child support."

Awesome.

Vinny and Pauly take home Laura and some other girl. They don't go to the smoosh room so they each are in their twin size beds hooking up with these girls in the same room. Classy!

Sam and Snooki head home. I can see more of Sam's dress and I'm beginning to think she borrowed it from one of those Bratz dolls because it is THAT small.

The two girls run to Vinny & Pauly's room to see if they brought chicks home and you can clearly see Vinny banging the girl in the bed. GROSS. Ronnie carries Snooki and Sammi out of the room. He tries to talk Snooki out of caring and he's actually making sense. Sammi tells him he's acting like a drunk fuck. She apparently doesn't like reasonable human beings. Not that Ron is reasonable at any other point in time...I think she's just trying way too hard to sound like a badass.

In a quick shot of the bedroom you see the girl holding her underwear above her head trying to straighten them out to put back on. Why bother? It isn't like you have anything to hide after hooking up with a guy you just met on national television.  Shortly after sexing it up the guys call a cab for the unpaid hookers.

JWoww and Deena are walking...er...stumbling home from the club. JWoww has to pee so she's going between two cars. Deena says she has a napkin in her purse so she follows her and stands very close to her as she's squatting. Of course, pee gets on her foot. Why the hell are you standing in the line of her pee puddle? Any girl knows there is a certain distance you must stand when another girl is peeing outside.

The next day everyone besides Snooki are going bowling. Deena drives one of the vehicles and I think I'm fearing for the passengers lives. She takes a sharp turn and a Red Bull spills under JWoww's butt so she is forced to lift it up in the air on the ride. Deena hands JWoww her purse and says "Check in here, I might have a napkin." I hope she doesn't have a napkin in there because if she does, it's probably full of JWoww's pee.

Awesome, the toilet is clogged again. You'd think with all the drinking they do that they wouldn't have such solid poops. Ron is heading in to check it out so he stuffs toilet paper in his nostrils. Apparently simply breathing through his mouth is out of the question.

He also puts ziplock baggies on his hands to lift up the toilet seat. It is a frightening sight. Mike is standing in the hallway cowering behind Vinny as if there is a rabid raccoon in the bathroom and he's afraid it is going to jump on him. Pauly D (love him!) yells, "The water's green bro!" and they think it might be algae growing on the poop.

I'm having the same problem I did with watching Survivor last night when they went underwater and I held my breath. I'm breathing through my nose as if I might be able to smell the green poop through the television.

The plumbers arrive and if they can't unclog it they may have to take the entire toilet out. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE EATING? One of the plumbers is surprised that there are no maggots.

I'm officially gagging.

Someone flushed a pair of underwear, announces the plumber. However, the Jersey Shore roommates are calling it something else...*BEEP*-tee.

I'm going to google it...ok lots of people apparently didn't know what was said because it was already all over the web. I guess it was a wife beater but they call it a "Guinea-tee". I've never heard that expression in my life. Oh what the Jersey Shore teaches me!  I think ribbed white undershirt tanks are the only articles of clothing that are named with offensive terms.

I'm afraid of what that wife beater was used for to get it flushed down the toilet. Seriously afraid.
Everyone except Snooki, Ron and Sam go to the bar. Mike is talking to a girl who I think doesn't own a brush. She says she's 21 but he doesn't believe her so she shows him her ID. People are getting carded to hook up with The Situation now.

Back home, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi decide to put a bunch of different cheese in Mike's bed. Slices of American cheese, grated Parmesan and cream cheese. I'm still breathing through my mouth.

Sam says "schmear" and Ron says "schmorgasbord". My ears are bleeding. Someone needs to schtrangle or schlap them. Now.

Mike takes the uncombed girl home and they climb into bed of cheese. Snooki worries that they'll get pinkeye from hooking up with the cheese so nearby.

Days later they are out on the porch talking about how dirty and smelly it is out there (there are flies everywhere). If it stinks on the porch which is OUTSIDE with ocean air, imagine what it must smell like inside.

Anyway Mike says "Speaking of smell...I had the chick over the other night. I had to kick her out." He says she smelled like grated cheese. The thing is, I know there was cheese under the sheets but I'm pretty sure the uncombed girl smelled like cheese too.

Mike thinks that you can't get an STD from getting a hummer.  JWoww calls a health clinic to confirm to Mike that you CAN get herpes and she also tells the man answering the phone that they had a girl there that smelled like grated cheese. He tells them she probably had a yeast infection.

I'm going to throw up and I don't think I'm eating cheese for a long time.

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 3/2)

Starting off with chills down the back of my neck. Giant fuzzy spiders with night vision cameras. I think I might have peed a little.

Matt is on Redemption Island with Franchesca. He had been so confident that he didn't even bring his things with him to Tribal Council so hopefully he's wearing his underwear.

Back at orange camp, Boston Rob is telling crazy Phillip that he can be in the alliance with himself, Grant, Ashley and Natalie (I think that's her name). I'm not sure if he's just stringing him along because he's clearly easily manipulated (which is frightening since he was a federal agent) or if he just knows he could win against him in the end.

Great, after the commercial there is a bright yellow snake on the TV. Why don't I just watch this show from the bathroom?

At purple camp, two members are able to go to Redemption Island to watch the duel between Franchesca and Matt.  Two guys are going - I don't know their names well yet - they need to be crazy for me to remember them. At orange camp, Andrea (Matt's tribe girlfriend) and Ashley are going.

Whoever wins the duel stays on Redemption Island until the next person gets voted out and the loser goes home. We have no idea when the Redemption Island person will return to camp, but I'm sure it will be after the merge or they will go back to the other tribe as some sort of twist.

Matt and Franchesca have to tie together sticks to reach three keys and pull them back without dropping them. Well, Matt sucked at first on this, Franchesca had two keys before he had one but on her third key, her stick broke a bit. So now they are tied. Jeff's play-by-play is irritating and is probably making them so nervous.  It is making me want to punch him or throw poop at him like a monkey does.

Matt ends up winning and Jeff announces "MATT STAYS ALIVE!" and everything is quiet. I guess I expected there to be clapping, but this is not Three's Company and it is not filmed in front of a live studio audience.

When Matt is told to go back to Redemption Island he scoffs a bit and Jeff asks him why. He says that it is nothing like the camp back at Ometepe (aka orange) and it is tough being alone. That wus just got there the night before and he wasn't alone, he was with Franchesca who has been out there with all the frogs, snakes, cameramen and spiders.

The purple guys get back to their tribe and lie to Russell about who won at Redemption Island. Not sure why that matters.

Russell and his two chicks are looking for the Immunity idol. They decide to make a fake one to throw everyone off. Seems kind of silly but the young pawn, Stephanie is excited about it.

Russell has lots of pus filled red bumps under his armpits. Gross.

The other six purples talk about maybe throwing the next immunity challenge just so they can vote Russell out.

The challenge involves three people strapped to a big wheel. The wheel turns and the people are forced underwater where they need to fill up their mouths with water and spit it in a tube. After that I didn't pay attention to what was needed to win, as I was holding my breath as if I was underwater. I hate that I do that. I almost passed out watching The Abyss.

After the water vomiting wheel of death, it is a puzzle. Purple team is clearly throwing the challenge.  I actually feel bad when orange team wins and they are excited as if they earned it. But, they did get a couple of chairs, blankets and tarps and as an added bonus they get crazy Phillip for a few more days.

Russell suspects that they threw the challenge but you'd have to be a complete moron to not realize it.  He figures out immediately what the others' plan is - to have 3 votes for Russell and 3 votes for another. Then with the tie, revote would be for Russell.

Stephanie is super pumped because she talked to Julie who is part of the other six and she thinks they are all set now and Julie is with them. Sure, the child convinced the "old lady" to join her.  I'm hoping Julie is not turning and joining the puss armpit league.

Russell knows how to play but he somehow manipulates the ladies because Stephanie is swinging from his balls right now. At Tribal Council she's making an ass of herself and I'm embarrassed. I think even Russell is embarrassed for her.  She can't keep her mouth shut, I feel like maybe she has been licking frogs or drinking vodka.

The first vote goes as planned...3 votes Russell, 3 votes Crazy Stephanie and 3 votes hairy Ralph. Of course the revote is against Russell so he is headed to Redemption Island. I think I smell Stephanie shitting in her string bikini bottom.

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 2/23)

Well, we left off last week with "Fransessqua" being voted off and sent to Redemption Island. She's there by herself in the dark and I'm scared.  But wait, she's not really alone, there are camera men. So if she needs a snake or a frog to be killed I'm sure they'd do it for her.

Back in the orange tribe, crazy pink underwear man Phillip pulls Boston Rob aside to babble on about meaningless nonsense. Boston Rob knows this former federal agent is not all there and makes a true statement "Government jobs? Stressful."

Its daytime now and Phillip is walking around in his pink undies again. Now he's trying to catch a tiny crab with a javelin. Ok it's a stick shaped into a spear but doesn't it sound more exciting if it were a javelin?

During his interview behind a tree he's basically crying while talking about the good old U.S. of A. and himself.

Over on purple, Russell is trying to gather up some of the gullible girls to be on his alliance.  So, the young one and the blonde one. If I were on this team I would take it as such a compliment if he didn't approach me to be on his alliance.

Ralph, the hairy man in overalls who Russell believes is the dumbest man on the planet is picking up rocks for some reason. He drops them all when an ant crawls on his hand and discovers the immunity idol. That was easy.

Ok, there are red frogs with black legs where they are. I'm freaking out.

On the orange tribe, blonde boy (Matt) and blonde girl (Andrea) are flirting openly. I can practically smell the B.O. through the screen. Animals.

Time for an immunity challenge. Phillip announces in some strange accent that he will outlast any man over there (Redemption Island). Where did this accent come from? Isn't there some frog that you lick and trip your balls off? I think he was licking those frogs.

The reward that will be won along with the immunity idol is fishing gear. I'd totally be screwed on Survivor because I hate fish. I'd need some kind of kit to make Big Macs to get me moving.

Now, in this challenge, part of it is diving in some water, swimming a bit and then climbing up a ladder. All of the girls have to pick up their bikini bottoms as they climb the ladder.  Yes, you look lovely in your string bikini but thanks for losing the challenge for us because your ass crack was hanging out and you had to pull it up. Common sense would tell them to wear one piece bathing suits...but then some guys wouldn't watch the show and the girls wouldn't get offers from Playboy afterwards...so I guess the bikinis are necessary.

Purple team wins immunity and the reward. Boston Rob is PISSED. He's even more pissed that blondie Matt goes over to shake the other team's hands.

Russell carries the reward back to camp because he knows the clue for the hidden immunity idol is in it. He sneaks it into his pocket and supposed "dummy" Ralph sees him.  When Russell goes off with his two followers, Ralph tells the rest of the tribe about what he saw. 

Of course, Ralph HAS the immunity idol. Right now, he looks like the smartest one on the tribe. Don't judge a hairy book by its overalls.

Orange tribe - Phillip is making his little speech to the tribe as if he's some kind of leader. No one responds and it is embarrassing.

Boston Rob is much smarter at this game than anyone else. He's putting on a big to-do with Phillip and telling him that he'll put his hand on the shoulder of the person he wants him to vote for.  However, this is just a test to see if Phillip will blab this all at tribal council.

Here we are and so far Phillip isn't blabbing about what Boston Rob told him, he's going on and on about his tattoos, animals and his country. He's making no sense. I think the effects of licking that frog are still lingering. People are giggling at him, including myself.

He's looking forward to meeting his nemesis on Redemption Island. Franchesca. Hilarious that this former federal agent's arch nemesis is a woman he just met. And he still pronounces is Fransessqua.

Big Boobs Kristina plays her immunity idol, although it was unnecessary. Matt and Andrea are completely shocked that Matt was voted out.

I'm still wondering what Phillip did with that crab he stuck with the javelin.

Survivor Redemption Island: Season Premiere

I watched Survivor Season 1 and the most recent season. I’m going to try to recap this – it might be awkward at the beginning because there are so many contestants and it takes a while to become familiar with the names…but I’m giving it a try!

First thought: during the intro, Jeff Probst is sitting in the back of the helicopter that is open and hanging his feet out. Just chillin’ like he’s not up in the air hanging out in the butthole of a helicopter. It is making me nervous – I wonder if that was CGI.

Contestants names: Ashley, Grant, Kristina, Phillip, Natalie, Matthew, Francesca, Andrea, Mike, Stephanie, Ralph, Julie, Krista, Steve, Sarita, David. Returning contestants: Boston Rob and some guy with an ugly hat named Russell. I suppose you Survivor fans know who he is but I don’t. He’s beefy. I know Boston Rob somehow…I think because he married the another Survivor contestant and that was highly publicized.

There’s a guy in a suit and most of the girls are wearing earrings and a few have stilettos. Its like those women at the gym in full makeup on the treadmill. You know where you’re going – why aren’t you ready?

Since I saw the very first season I hate that Jeff calls the tribal rags “buffs”. Maybe I don’t like the word buff.

A new twist this season – when someone is voted off, they do not go home, they are sent to “Redemption Island” by themselves. When the next person is voted off and goes to the island, they square off in a “duel” to see who actually goes home. Sounds exactly like Real World/Road Rules Challenges.

There is a boy with long blonde hair, similar to Jud’s who won last season. They nicknamed him Fabio last season. Please don’t let them nickname this guy Fabio too. How outdated is that reference? There are lots of guys with long hair.

Jeff warns everyone that it will rain a lot in Nicaragua. I’d ask him to have that helicopter come back for me right then and there.

Jeff, stop saying Shambo. Stop saying Shambo.

The two tribes are building their shelters. On the orange tribe, Phillip is telling all the women what to do. Oh…he just screwed himself by telling the females that he’s a former federal agent and that he’s an expert at reading people and knowing if they are lying. He should have kept his mouth shut and used his skills to his advantage.

I always question people who try to make alliances on the first day. I don’t care if you worked for the CIA or you’re Miss Cleo, you do not know if you can trust someone within the first 24 hours of meeting them.

Ok, Mike, the Iraqi War Veteran on the purple tribe is wearing jeans. Seriously?

OH NO, Phillip is wearing tighty-hot-pinkies (tighty-whities that are pink). The Fabio guy (yeah, I know…I just did it) is wearing boxer briefs and another girl has boy short underwear that must’ve been up her ass because they blurred out her butt as she walked down the beach!

Wow, I hate Phillip and his pink undies. He’s incredibly condescending and conceited. Plus, he’s wearing pink undies.

(from www.survivorsucks.com)



First immunity challenge is an extravagant race with stairs and a pyramid. I remember the first season them pretty much just standing on logs for hours on end to see who could stay on longest. Now they have a budget and its like Double Dare.

The purple team wins the first immunity challenge. This means someone from the orange team aka the Underwear Crew will be sent to Redemption Island.

Holy shit. They just showed a snake that I was scared of even though it was on TV. If I saw that thing out there I would poop my pants on national television. I just tried to find a picture of one similar to it in Google Images (I couldn’t) but now I am going to have nightmares. Damn!

The woman with big boobs, Kristina, on the orange tribe found the immunity idol. She has told Francesca and Phillip about it. I think Kristina is digging herself in a hole up to her big boobies. 

Phillip is making more of an ass of himself at the tribal council. He can’t say Francesca…he keeps saying Franchweska and he blamed it on his dry throat that he’s getting treatment for.

He totally outed Kristina for having the immunity idol and made himself look crazy.

Holy shit. They just showed a frog that looked to be on the bucket where they deposit the votes. If I saw that thing out there I would poop my pants on national television.

Francesca has been voted out and is heading alone to Redemption Island. I’m scared for her with those snakes and frogs around.