The Real Housewives of OC Reunion (from 6/12)

I think Andy needs to skip the "hello's" to each indivudal person on the reunion shows. It's really awkward.

What kind of prude is Vicki that she doesn't use the word 'vagina'?

GREAT...we get to see flashbacks of Tamra and Ugly Eddie making whoopie in the tub. I actually feel pretty nauseated because I just ate.

Andy asks Tamra if her kids know Eddie. Tamra says that they don't know him well and that she's really strict with the fact that when she has the kids, they are at her house and when the kids are with Simon, she's with Eddie.

Alexis says what we're all thinking "Well they know Eddie now if they turn on the TV screen...in a bubble bath."  THANK YOU Alexis. Even though I hate you.

Tamra asks what her point was. Um...I think she just made her point idiot.

Tamra thinks Gretchen is jealous of her hot man. I think Slade is slimy as hell and he's hotter than Ugly Eddie. Tamra is delusional.


Vicki's turn. Failed marriage scenes.  At the reunion Vicki's skin looks TERRIBLE.  She has so much makeup on and it looks shiny and bumpy.

Don was interviewed by Bravo and I'm totally on his side. Vicki treated him badly, ignored him, never came home and then the way he found out that Vicki wanted a divorce was when the process server showed up at his work. Bitch.  I think Karma gave her that bad skin.

Well, at least she's taking responsibility for being cold to him.  She says her lawyer told her that she needed to throw him a surprise party for the divorce. Ok not a party. But Don had to be surprised by the process server.



Alexis' scenes show her making that little speech about being made from her husbands rib. PLEASE have someone confront her about that ignorant shit.

Andy asks if Alexis would discourage her daughters from running for president when they got older. Alexis says she would want them to do whatever they want but she feels safer having a man run the country.

Hey Gretchen - please take your stiletto and stab her in the eye. Thanks.

I'm distracted by everyone's EXTREMELY shiny legs.  Maybe it is the lighting because Peggy, Vicki and Tamra look like they've been soaking their legs in olive oil and Gretchen and Alexis' are dry and normal.

Regarding Alexis' house situation - she says that they sold their house and they are paying cash for a new one. Vicki and Tamra call bullshit because the bank wouldn't allow them to do a short sale if they knew they had other assets or other money to pay the difference in the mortgage to the bank.  Alexis is a moron for even answering these things on TV.

Tamra says that Jim put the house in a business' name, filed bankruptcy on the business which stopped the foreclosure and short sold the house all the while having other money to buy a new place. Suddenly Tamra seems smart. For a minute.



WHAT? Gretchen had a song? It's terrible. Why do the housewives think they can become singers?

Gretchen points out that it is obvious while watching the show that Tamra can't stop talking about her or Alexis. If you look at the two couches you can tell why Tamra hates those two...they are MUCH prettier than she is.  She's fine with Vicki and Peggy because they are beasts.

Tamra says she's been neutral the whole season and hasn't talked about Gretchen at all.

Again...Tamra is delusional. She has lost it. Well, I don't think she ever had it.

Tamra continues to tell Gretchen that she was sleeping with another guy while she was engaged to Jeff. I can't believe she can still just make these comments based on what she "heard" after the whole thing with Jeana happened. Shut your ugly fucking mouth Tamra!

End of Part 1

*******

I'm getting this all over with in one night!

Peggy discusses her depression. Andy asks Alexis if she knew about Peggy's post partum depression and Alexis says "Yes, I suffered from it too."

IS SHE SERIOUSLY GOING TO BE IN A COMPETITION ABOUT FUCKING DEPRESSION?

Everyone stops and looks at each other. Peggy says that Alexis only had it with the twins whereas she had it with both of her kids.  Alexis claims that when she was talking to Peggy one day she was the one who told Peggy that maybe she has depression.

Why hasn't Gretchen stabbed her in the eye yet? Maybe Tamra will. I'll go "like" her on FB if she does that. And I hate Tamra.

Alexis wanted to get Peggy on the RH but then changed her mind when she realized she would be in competition with her. Alexis doesn't admit this, she just says that she didn't want to ruin their friendship so she never ended up submitting her name for casting.  Apparently someone else did...

We know that Peggy dated Jim many years ago, before Alexis and Jim got together. Jim didn't tell Alexis until a couple of months before the season started filming.  Peggy says that Jim told her that she NEVER wanted Alexis to find out about it. Mr. and Mrs. Never Keeping Secrets have some skeletons in the closet. And Mr Jim's skeleton has ugly fake lips and giant fake boobs.

Alexis now claims that it was Peggy's responsibility as her friend to come to her and tell her that she dated Jim.  WHAT? So she thinks that Peggy should have told her and NOT Jim? She needs some counseling.

She can't believe that Peggy could look her in the eyes every day and not tell her. Maybe Alexis and Jim don't look at each other in their eyes? Because how can she even say this? JIM should have told her. JIM looked at her every day and never said anything.  But wait, Jim is a saint. And a topless model.

Clips of Gretchen from this season really show her as a huge bitch. But Vicki and Tamra are consistently hypocritical so Gretchen still looks like the best one on the show.

Vicki thinks that Gretchen shouldn't have done the show in the first place because her fiance was dying. She should have made her relationship a priority and left the show.  Gretchen says the same back to Vicki - that if her marriage was a priority and was clearly failing, SHE should have left the show.  Vicki thinks this comparison is outrageous but I agree with her.  Yes, sickness/death and divorce are two different things - but they are both serious life issues that should be dealt with in private and be priority number 1.

Vicki can't say SHIT.

Jeff wanted Gretchen to continue with the show and this causes Vicki and Tamra to roll their eyes.

Now there is a lot of arguing about Alexis' fashion show extravaganza when Vicki was in the hospital and Tamra spent the time texting and announcing that Vicki's ass is bleeding.  Every single person except Andy are talking over each other so we cannot hear a full sentence. I almost want to mute it.


Slade is getting his own section on the reunion. He's been on the show as long as Vicki since he dated a few past housewives.

Tamra announces that Slade's son's mother (Michelle) called her the day before the reunion. Slade says that Michelle told him Tamra called HER, basically fishing for information. Tamra claims that's a lie and then yells out that Slade doesn't pay his child support.  She somehow thinks she knows everyone's personal and financial business.

Tamra doesn't want to listen to Slade say negative things about her so she walks off set. She thinks she knows what is going on in Slade's life because of his Twitter updates.

Backstage Tamra calls Michelle on her cell and puts her on speakerphone.  It TOTALLY sounds like Bravo has chopped up this conversation to make Slade look worse.

Does anyone else think that Tamra called a fake "Michelle"?

Back on stage Tamra keeps insisting that Slade is broke and doesn't have a job even though he and Gretchen say he does. It's just not what it used to be. The sad thing here is that I believe Slade and Gretchen - but only because I hate Tamra so much that I want to disagree with her.


Jeana's here. She's living with her new boyfriend and she's still not officially divorced from her husband. Who cares?

We see the clips from the party when Tamra confronted Jeana. Of course - no where in those clips did they show Jeana pushing Tamra (like she claimed).

Jeana makes a good point about how Tamra made a big deal about putting Simon in jail because he threw something at her because her kids should know that it is NOT ok to throw things at people. Yet in the final episode she threw a piece of paper and a glass of wine at Jeana.

Tamra just meant to say "cease and desist" but she said "ciss and asseese".

During the wrap up "what did you learn from this season" Alexis decides to talk about how she just got a text from Jim because she sent him one asking about Peggy.  Jim told her that Peggy was lying and that she went crazy and broke into his place. If that was truly the case, WHY would Jim "allow" Alexis to hang out with Peggy. Bullshit.

The Real Housewives of OC: Season Finale (from 6/5)

Vicki had been hospitalized from ulcers in her colon. She got out of the hospital and filed for divorce. She's been crying for a while and for some reason during this entire first scene she just keeps rubbing her eyes over and over with her fingers, tissues or something else.  Gross, stop rubbing your eyes!!

Since she had already planned a "fall party" months ago, she's still going to put it on. Fucking idiot. But maybe it's in her Real Housewives contract. They need a big party at the end of the season for dramatic reasons.


Tamra is annoyed with Eddie as he tries to pick out an ugly shirt. But really she's just stressing about seeing Jeana at Vicki's party. Apparently she talked to the press and told them she witnessed Tamra hitting Simon.  She continues to bitch and talk about it to Eddie and I feel like he wants to bash her over the head...I certainly do.


Gretchen wants Slade to go to Vicki's party and I don't blame him for not wanting to do so.  Not only because they all talk shit about him but he makes a good point that Vicki always wanted to pass judgement on others' relationships and here she is going through a divorce.


Alexis has forgiven Vicki for bleeding out of her ass and missing the Alexis Couture party. She's getting dressed to head to the party.  For some reason Alexis has invited four of her friends. We know Jim isn't going since he hates everyone.

I have to repeat word-for-word what I just heard come out of Alexis' mouth.

"The problem with liberal America today is that this is the decade of being so liberal and women being able to run for president, women being able to do everything their man can do and excuse me, but I am a woman and I'm made from my husband's rib. I want to be the wife and be his baby and his cherish what he cherishes."

Oh yes Alexis...it is SUCH a problem that us women can actually do everything a man can. I am NOT made from anyone's fucking rib.

Please tell me all of you want to shove her head into her oven like I do.


Tamra is pissed that Vicki didn't tell her that she filed for divorce and that she had to read about it on the internet. Because it is ALL about you Tamra.  She has a letter from her lawyer to give to Jeana at the party about not talking to the press anymore. Eddie wants to throw her out the window of the limo.


Gross...when someone brings oysters over to Peggy, Eddie and some woman, Peggy says "Oysters...ooooh so we get horny?" No one should ever say the word horny. I hate it. But coming from Peggy it's even worse.

Oh wait...much worse coming. Eddie says "No, me get horny...you get the benefit."  I think my vagina just dried up forever.


Meanwhile inside, Tamra is talking to Vicki about the divorce situation and I can't get past the fact that she's wearing about 12 pounds of makeup.

For some reason when Vicki starts to cry Tamra's response is to yell at her and tell her to play with her boobs.  I'd hate to see her at a funeral.


On orders from Tamra, Peggy spreads the word to everyone at the party to not mention Don.  Awkward.


Peggy decides to confront Alexis about the lip comment in the limo while they were in Texas.  Alexis' dumbass doesn't actually "get" that Peggy is confronting her about being the asshole that she's been over the last few weeks. She actually thinks it is about plastic surgery. 

They keep calling each other 'honey' and Alexis tells Peggy that she's not "allowed" to talk about her husband.  This is the worst most boring argument ever.


Apparently Peggy agrees with me because that wasn't enough drama for her.  She confronts Jeana about saying things to the press about Tamra. They pull Tamra over. Jeana says the press twisted her words.

Tamra just keeps saying "really, really, really?" Then she suddenly grew balls and starts pointing her finger at Jeana and yelling at her.

What's up with Quinn's terrible wig?

Tamra throws her letter from her lawyer into Jeana's face. Jeana threatens to throw her in the pool. (Time to work on your comebacks Jeana). 

Tamra calls her a bitch and throws her wine directly into Jeana's eyes.

Jeana throws hers but since she's obviously blinded by the alcohol, the drink just hits some other chick in a blue dress. I was wondering why they actually "introduced" this girl earlier in the episode - its because SHE is the one who pushes Jeana from behind.

Less than a minute later, Jeana's man-boy throws his drink at the girl in the blue dress.

Tamra is no where to be found. Her balls disappeared.

Oh wait - she's out front in the driveway wearing no shoes.  She tells Vicki that Jeana tried to throw her in the pool and that's why she threw the drink in her face.

The blue dress bitch suddenly asks Quinn if she can borrow her wig because Jeana got her hair wet. Who is this fucking chick?

Alexis talks to Tamra and she says that she doesn't get into the press and that she doesn't read.  Big surprise. She probably thinks that she's not allowed to read because her husband does all the reading. Tamra says that Jeana pushed her and that's why she threw her drink. Is she THAT fucking stupid? There are cameras on you!

Gretchen basically tells Tamra that she did the same thing to her that Jeana did. Talked to the press about things that she didn't know anything about. Karma's a bitch.

The Real Housewives of OC: Butt Bleeding & Great Friends (from 5/22)

We kick off the show with Vicki and Donn arguing. Donn is drinking, as usual. They are totally miserable.

Lots of flashbacks of the misery between the two of them.



Gretchen is back from Texas. She tells us that her handbag line is successful and reminds us that Slade is broke aka she can probably claim him as a dependent on her taxes.

Slade is still doing his art and he says he's not good enough to sell the art. But he's "good enough" to let Gretchen buy all of these art supplies.

She tells Slade that his child support thing is keeping them from going forward in their relationship. He owes so much back child support because the courts never reduced Slade's child support payments after he lost his job.  Gretchen is afraid of what people will think if they have a baby but he still can't pay child support for his son. 

Tamra picks her up for the ride of death and they go out to dinner. Well, not dinner...alcohol. Vicki opens up about her issues with Donn and how they avoid each other all the time. They haven't had sex in two years. Why she chose to have this conversation with Tamra (and the cameras) at a restaurant is beyond me. The whole thing is in subtitles because it is so loud there.

You can't tell if Tamra actually has no emotion or if her face is just completely frozen from botox.



Peggy and her boobs are packing for a Vegas weekend for her and Micah for his birthday. She's invited Tamra and Eddie because they've become BFFs (<---Peggy you're too old to use that term) and another couple, Kirsten and Brady.

Jim and Alexis weren't invited because Jim doesn't want to be around them and Alexis is in competition with Peggy constantly. Ah, the wonderful "friends" who try to one-up you or put you down with passive aggressive statements...do we all have one of those?

Peggy and her boobs say that it is hard to buy Micah a birthday present since he buys himself whatever he wants.  I'm thinking it is also hard to buy him something when you don't have your own money and you're using HIS money to buy him presents.

Anyway...she got some "boudoir" shots done and had them made into a book for Micah. Gross. 

Alexis, while dressed like Michael Jackson, is putting together a luncheon for her friends to preview her Alexis Couture line.

She's meeting with the restaurant guy and an event planner.  She says because she won't be modeling the dresses, she wants to have life-sized posters of her wearing them. Nothing says "I love myself" more than life-sized posters.

The restaurant is French and the owner is explaining the types of food he wants to serve at the luncheon. Alexis doesn't know what any of the words mean except foie gras and that is because she tasted that and spit it out during last season.  She pronounces it "for gra" and says they cannot serve that even though she knows it is a "delicatessen" in French. Yeah...a delicacy you mean? Delicatessen is a deli.

He wants to serve French food because it is a French restaurant. Alexis is too confused by it all and I'm surprised she didn't just ask him to serve French fries.  The event planner suggests a croissant sandwich. Classy en francais!

It is the day of the luncheon. I have to admit, the life-sized poster of Alexis when they walk in looks really good. I mean, not because it is life-sized, but she looks really pretty.  However, Alexis' assistant Dylan is wearing what I can only describe as a "rat-tail bowtie". WTF?

(Just in case you aren't familiar with the term...this is a "rat-tail")

Alexis is having models wear her dresses and for some reason she feels the need to teach them how to walk and pose.

The show is starting and Vicki hasn't shown up yet. Alexis gives a speech and ends it with "Move over Cavalli, it's Alexis Couture now!"  I think we all have the same reaction that Tamra does:

The first dress is called "A Walk in the Park" because according to Dylan's notes, it is perfect for a walk in the park. We hear Gretchen laugh and say "A walk in the park! That's like SO dressy for a walk in the park!!" I can't tell if she said that really loudly or if we're just hearing it because she has a microphone on for the show.

Alexis has provided the guests with a little "menu" naming all of the dresses and she has asked people to give their opinions in the blank spaces next to the dresses because she's able to take constructive criticism well.  But when Peggy goes to write her opinion she informs Alexis that the pen isn't really working on the paper because it is that "shiny paper".  What a sneaky trick Alexis..."please write down your opinions on this paper which does not allow a pen to break through it's glossy coating!"

She tells Peggy "Honey...you can use memory."

Is it me or are these the same outfit except the shoulder that is showing is different on each model? Oh...one is a "romper" and one is a tube top being used as a skirt "dress".

The bikini that is being modeled has a coochie necklace. That's all I have to say about that one.

Vicki texts Tamra to tell her that she's in the hospital and will be going in for surgery. Gretchen thinks it is rude that Vicki goes to the hospital at the same time as Alexis' dress party and Lynn doesn't want Tamra to worry about it because it causes wrinkles.  She tells Tamra to have fun and says "cheers!" How sweet!

Lynn looks frighteningly bad. Almost like one of those barbie heads that we had as kids to do their hair?  Her skin is scary frozen.

Tamra tells the camera that she had a friend who had the same symptoms and died three months later. But she doesn't tell us what these symptoms are and why Vicki is in the hospital having surgery.

Alexis thinks that Tamra is being disrespectful texting and being on the phone. Pot meet kettle. Did she not do this when they went away last season because she missed her husband so much? Or a couple of weeks ago at Peggy's dinner party?

I HATE Tamra and I'm on her side here...Vicki is in the hospital - that is a good reason to be on the phone and texting.  Not because you've never been away from your husband for more than the time it takes for him to take a dump.

Alexis wants Tamra to wait to find out what is going on with her friend in the hospital until AFTER the last dress comes through.  What a heart of gold! Jesus would be proud.

Tamra finds out that Vicki has some internal bleeding and comes to Alexis' table to tell Peggy (Gretchen is also at this table).

Gretchen: "Do you think that it is ironic at all though? That she did that, or no?"

Tamra: "That she started bleeding out of her ass on the day of Alexis' party?"

Gretchen: "Yeah."

The next time I don't want to attend a party I'm going to make my ass bleed. That's got to be some party trick.

Vicki took a photo of her IV and sent it to Tamra's bedazzled cell phone. Who does that?

Oh no! Next week is the season finale! But woo hoo, it is when Tamra goes crazy and pushes Jeana! I can't wait!!

The Real Housewives of OC (from 5/15)

Alexis is wearing jean shorts that can pass for denim underwear. She's shopping for cowboy boots for her trip to Texas with the girls.  She thinks that she can get cowboy boots that have 4 inch wedge heels. She's expecting more "bling" on the cowboy boots. I'm not sure she understands what a cowboy is.

Who buys cowboy boots and a cowboy hat for a TWO DAY trip to Texas?

Also - she's trying on the boots barefoot. Gross.


Vicki the slave driver is at work forcing her "people" to stay late. She calls Tamra on speakerphone and we find out that Simon is in jail.  He went to Tamra's house the night before swearing about their dog and he threw the leash at her so she called the cops. He did this in front of their kids so they arrested him.

Tamra's attorney wants to see pictures of the leash that was allegedly thrown at her head by her ex husband. She needs to file a temporary restraining order against him. Ugly Eddie thinks that the leash is heavy. Yes, very heavy duty dog leash for a 10 lb dog.

Jeana is getting involved with Tamra and Simon's business. Jeana's a weirdo, fighting Simon's battles apparently.

Tamra is of course late for her court date because you know she thinks she's a celebrity. She makes Eddie sit in the car and three hours later she comes out and says that the DA decided not to press charges due to lack of evidence.  I guess the plastic dog leash didn't leave a mark.

Later on Vicki and Donn go out to dinner together. Of course not alone because they'd kill each other. Tamra and Eddie join them.  Tamra needs a drink and Vicki asks her to tell Donn about what happened with Simon.  Eddie excuses himself to go to the bathroom and on his way out he puts his finger to his head like a gun. AAAAHHHH HA HA HA HA! Getting sick of Tamra, are we?

After explaining the story to Donn - which is really a non-story...a dog leash and no charges pressed? LAME! - anyway, Tamra wonders where Eddie is and Vicki thinks maybe he has diarrhea and that anyone hanging out with Tamra for 24 hours would have diarrhea.

Eddie returns to the table and says that he wanted to avoid the Simon conversation - that was why he left the table. They decide to talk about something else.

Not one of the four of them knows what a Zamboni is. They keep calling it a Zambuka.  Some guy wants Vicki to drive one for being a businesswoman or something. People in Orange County are weird.

Tamra decides the very next topic should be about how Jeana texted her about Simon. Way to keep your man happy, bitch! Eddie looks at her like "What the fuck?" I wish he would walk out.

Finally...Donn remembers that it is called a Zamboni.

Days later Tamra meets with Jeana on a park bench. She confronts Jeana about saying that Tamra ruined Simon's life.

Jeana somehow thinks this is her business and questions why Tamra called the police. She says that Simon wasn't even there anymore when she called! Interesting...Tamra didn't mention this...she made it sound like she called 911 seconds after the plastic dog leash bounced off the floor behind her.

Back at home or at Eddie's Tamra is crying. She shows Eddie a printout of Jeana's Facebook status that said "Maybe the tape on Tamra's mouth should be permanent" (referring to the naked photo shoot she did with Fernanda). I wish she would have mentioned how many people "liked" that status.



Gretchen is in Texas being driven around in a Hummer-Limo.  She picks up the girls at the airport and everyone has cowboy hats. I'm so embarrassed for them. It's like people who go to concerts wearing the concert T-shirt of the band they are seeing...or going to Disney World in a Mickey Mouse costume.  You do NOT fit in.

Alexis admits that she went to test-drive a mechanical bull before going to Texas. I'm even more embarrassed now.

"The girls" are Alexis, Peggy and Fernanda??? They are suddenly friends with her? Tamra's lesbian friend?

They all head out and they are all wearing giant heels except for Fernanda. Gretchen falls down. I wish they all had fallen down.

At lunch the subject of Gretchen/Slade/Marriage comes up. She asks the women how they knew it was "the one".  Maybe she should have asked that before she got married the first time and engaged the second time. Why is it suddenly so pressing that she know this? Because he doesn't have money so it isn't an automatic YES?

Peggy says that she had a "list" and you know Alexis had to compete so she said "I had 150 things on my list, honey!"

One of Peggy's items was that the guy couldn't have any roomates. For some reason Alexis thinks that should be a given. She jumps in with her items. Something about Jim liking her because she didn't have to pee all the time. What?

Everytime Gretchen asks Peggy a question, Alexis answers either right away or shortly after Peggy tries to speak. Peggy says that she wouldn't have married Micah if he hadn't had his own business or had roommates. So love isn't important to these women at all and they are fully admitting it.

Gretchen surprisingly calls them out on their gold digging ways but no one cares.

Alexis tells us how she doesn't believe that Fernanda is really married because of her religion. Again...love doesn't matter to her.

The girls are headed out for the night and they are drinking champagne in the hummer limo on the way. Alexis is pouring it down her throat and is wearing the denim underwear again. I don't know that Jim would approve of this. Or Jesus.

Inside the BBQ place where they are chowing down, Alexis is supposedly drinking straight vodka in a plastic cup. She's wasted and annoying. Jim's going to be soooooo pissed. She's licking a chicken leg like it is a penis. 

She then tells us (in interview) how she used to have an eating disorder.  Since she's drunk at dinner and eating a bunch of food, she decides to squirt ketchup all over the food so she won't eat it.

Alexis said that she's able to come to Texas on the girls' trip because Jim realized how miserable she was. She also says that out of 10 of her friends, 8 of them cheat. Time to get new friends.

They head to a place called Cowboys Dancehall. The three blondes are like those annoying girls we all knew in high school who would drink a beer at a party and start laughing and falling down everywhere. Fernanda seems the most normal - she can handle her liquor and isn't screeching.

Alexis immediately starts bouncing her fake boobs up and down. She starts dancing with Fernanda on the dance floor. Seriously Alexis...she was talking about Fernanda having to "answer to god" because she is a lesbian? People in glass houses shouldn't throw silicone breasts.

Mechanical bull riding time. Peggy isn't allowed because of her recent boobie surgery.  Fernanda goes first and it is boring, she falls off.  Gretchen goes and it goes very slow so she doesn't fall. Alexis in her denim underwear climbs on.  You can hear whistles like it is a strip club.

In the hummer limo afterwards Alexis makes a comment that Peggy's lips are bigger than hers. Peggy is pissed. I think Peggy's mouth is bigger but not her lips. But why would they be fighting about this - they both paid for bigger lips so shouldn't you WANT your lips to be bigger than the next person?  Wasn't that the point? 

The Real Housewives of OC: Everyone's An Asshole (from 5/1)

Peggy and Micah are preparing for their "exclusive" dinner party. They are having a five course meal with wine pairings...whatever that means.


Gretchen is getting her hair done for the occasion and I guess her hair dresser knows all about everyone. He asks if Tamra will be there with Ugly Eddie. Well...he didn't say "ugly"...but he would if he'd seen him.

Gretchen (in interview) says how she can't imagine someone wanting to date Tamra and why don't they just light themselves on fire instead. I'm going to have to agree with her.

Slade Slimey can't attend the dinner party because he has his sons. Gretchen basically says that she doesn't think she should marry him because if she had a kid with him people would have a lot to say about that. What a great reason not to marry someone!


Tamra and Ugly Eddie are headed to Vicki's before the party and Tamra is blabbing on and on trying to prepare him for meeting her. Donn meets them at the door and I think he's already drunk. I love Donn, though. I don't know WHY he was with Vicki.

Vicki comes in the room and it is very uncomfortable but I'm sure it is the editing. Suddenly Ugly Eddie breaks into his Big Ugly Smile and I'm a little nauseated and embarrassed.

They begin gossiping about Slade and his child support issues. I really hate Tamra. Slade is gross but I would hang out with him before Tamra any day!

In the limo Tamra and Vicki move to gossiping about Alexis and her financial troubles. They say that no one knows what Alexis' husband Jim does for work - you mean, he's not a model?

Why does it look like there are mini marshmallows in the wine???

Alexis shows up without Jim and Peggy seems to be quite offended by this. We don't really know where Jim is, maybe he just decided not to come? Alexis runs off to either text or call him.

There are WAY too many blonde people here, my eyes hurt. Maybe it is the bitchy words coming out of their mouths that is making my head hurt. Or a combination.  After watching these shows I am really grateful for my life the way it is.

Peggy has a microphone at her dinner party and she introduces a friend of hers who is going to sing.

Ugly Eddie and Tamra start dancing and making out like 3 inches from the singing woman. How awkward and SO gross because Eddie keeps turning his head back and forth as if they are having sex in a movie. He's rubbing her back and I'm ready to throw up.

Gretchen's friend is joking that Eddie is an escort and she found him at 999-SALSA.  Tamara overhears it and tells Eddie. For a second I like him because he says "who cares"? Maybe he's going to see what the rest of us see and that she acts like a really bitchy 15 year old girl.

Donn asks Gretchen where her other half is and she answers that he's with his boys. Donn starts laughing and it is very Vicki-like.

Poop. The only person I liked on the show just made a dick move.  Then a little while later he whispers to Vicki that Gretchen looks like the lady from the Munsters. Because she has dark lipstick on? Then Vicki and Tamra cackle and laugh like children.

What a bunch of hateful, awful people? Why do I watch this shit? My head is pounding. Peggy is pissed.

Alexis starts looking at her phone because she misses Jim. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom because I think she's going to cry. She is either texting or calling Jim. Gretchen goes to check on her.

The boy with the bowtie that Alexis came with (?) mentions that she was upset that he had to work. Vicki of all people exclaims "He's working on a SATURDAY NIGHT?" Is she fucking kidding? Vicki...who works all the time and makes fun of people for not working all the time is questioning someone working on a weekend.

Kill me now.

Micah makes a joke about the bowtie boy and Tamra suddenly becomes a clapping seal. 

Alexis is crying in the bathroom because she just doesn't know what to do without Jim around. Tamra wants to start trouble and eavesdrop so she asks Vicki to come to the bathroom with her.  She's got her ear up against the door and I'm so disgusted.

Head...pounding...

Peggy gets up to search for the women and she catches Tamra with her ear against the door and sort of shoos her off. 

Alexis tells us (in interview) that she had to lie because Jim just didn't want to be around those group of people. Wow, I never thought I would think Jim had a good idea.

Peggy tells Alexis that she either needs to compose herself or leave. What a lovely host and awesome friend!

OH NO! Tamra just said "Slade Slimey". I'm not going to use it anymore. Please tell me that I'm much funnier than Tamra. Tamra isn't funny at all so please, please let me not be even close to her.

Vicki talks about how she wanted to have kids with Donn but he didn't. He says it was because she is so full of herself. HA! For a minute I'm going to like Donn again. He calls Vicki a bitch! Woo hoo!

It seems like hours later and Alexis is still not outside. Bowtie boy says he's going to "powder her up" and Vicki has a ball making fun of that. She and Tamra are loud and obnoxious. Nothing new.

Alexis comes out and apologizes for being emotional while Tamra and Vicki make fun of her with their eyes.

Peggy and Alexis discuss their issue. Peggy questions why they haven't had any play dates and Alexis says "Between her husband, her kids and working out...she has like two minutes for friends." WOW.

The woman starts singing again and I'm afraid that Eddie and Tamra are going to have sex with their eyes again. Alexis and Gretchen are suddenly drunk 18 year olds on the "dance floor".

Donn, Vicki, Tamra and Eddie leave and they bitch and gossip in the limo.  All of the sudden Vicki is tired and has a headache - she basically hates her husband.

I hate them all.

The Real Housewives of OC: Jesus Wants Me to Make Couture Dresses (from 4/24)

(My friend Cate suggested the title so the credit goes to her for that! Perfect!)

If Gretchen says Tubba Wubba in the first segment I'm going to stop watching this show forever.

Slade Slimey is taking Gretchen to a surprise location for her birthday.

Gretchen reminds him that he's not making any money and she's basically supporting him. Apparently he paints...like paintings and Gretchen thinks he should sell them so that he's bringing SOMETHING in for income.

She really knows how to kick her men in the balls. Not that I don't think Slade deserves it but come on...break up with him if you agree that he's a loser.

Slade takes Gretchen to his friend's art studio where they are eating a gourmet meal take-out from styrofoam containers. At least he remembered the dressing.

He says that they are going to create something together after they eat. He hands her a present wrapped up and she says "What did you get me?" Total side note: I HATE when people do this. Someone hands them a wrapped present and they have every intention of you opening it RIGHT THEN...and they ask "what is it???" Open the fucking thing and you'll find out.

Slade bought her white painter's paints.

The thing is, this gift would be a cute and fun for most people. Obviously Gretchen wants something that she needs to insure so she's not grateful.

However, another surprise is that Slade's painter friend has painted a portrait of Gretchen. She's happy about that gift. She probably thinks she can sell it because of her Real Housewives fame.

When it comes time for Slade to bring the painting home, Gretchen is annoyed with it. He's carrying it in and she says "Really?? Where are we going to put this?" Slade wants to hang it in the bathroom. GREAT spot!



Alexis is over at Vicki's house for some wine to make amends. Alexis says she wants to do what Jesus would do. I didn't realize he got plastic surgery and "designed" dresses.

Speaking of the dresses, Alexis tells Vicki how she's starting her own dress line and she's designing. Vicki is questioning the whole thing, of course. You can't just wake up one day and say "I'm going to design couture clothing."  Even the woman she's working with isn't a designer - she did hair and makeup. This sounds promising.

Vicki points out that Alexis is young (because Alexis was saying "I'm not stupid under all this."). Alexis says "Well, I have a 48 year old husband with lots of life experience."

Cut to Vicki in interview...making the "jerk off" motion. Suddenly I love Vicki. That won't last.

Peggy, her boobs and Micah go to a restaurant (Border Grille) where they want to hire the owner/chef for a dinner party. They were surprised that the specialty was Mexican food. Apparently the word "border" was lost on them.

They completely insult the chef by saying they would like to lean more to a steakhouse type cuisine because Mexican would be good if they had like a pool party or something.

Peggy laughs but then pretends to be frowning. Pretentious snobs.

Then they try all this food that looks delicious but Micah basically hates everything. Why did they choose this restaurant? I hate Micah right now.



Vicki's daughter Briana is going to Vegas for vacation and she's telling her about how she should never leave her drink alone and be careful.  Uncle Bill got "roofied" in Vegas. He was drinking with some lady and the next thing he knew he woke up nude. Why did Uncle Bill tell this story to the family?

When Briana arrives in Vegas she must call Vicki immediately to check in. Vicki wants her to text her when she gets in that night. This girl is 23 years old...not 16. For some reason the cameras are with Briana in Vegas. Not that I don't like Briana...she's probably the most sane and normal person on this show but this seems like quite a filler.

While smoking (hookah) two lesbians come over and act as though Briana and her friend are getting baked. One even says "You just got a really huge hit!" ?????

Tamra, Peggy and Peggy's boobs are going to walk in a fashion show.  They go to the designer's place to try things on.  Tamra looks weird, short and dowdy in her outfit. Peggy and her boobs come out in a dress and the designer is not happy that her boobs are going to beat the rest of Peggy's body to the end of the runway because they are so enormous.

Suddenly Jeana walks in looking really stoned. Tamra looks like she's going to poop her pants. She doesn't say hi to her. I guess Jeana is friends with Simon. Jeana feels bad for Simon. As much as I hate Tamra I do NOT feel bad for Simon.

Jeana is giving Tamra the third degree about her new boyfriend, Ugly-Maybe-Gay-Eddie. I think that's what it says on his driver's license.



Alexis thinks that because she gets compliments on her clothes that she should just "launch a successful dress line".  Jumping the gun there with the "successful" comment.

She's meeting with her dressmaker to go over what they have.  She explains to us (the viewers) what "couture" means.

"Couture is.....a term put on a design...a dress.....if its um....I guess....super....rich."

Ummm...no.

cou·ture  (k-tr, -tür)

n.

1. The business of designing, making, and selling highly fashionable, usually custom-made clothing for women.

2. Dressmakers and fashion designers considered as a group.

3. The high-fashion clothing created by designers.

The second dress that Alexis tries on is hideous. It has wings, basically. Alexis goes to get scissors and just starts CUTTING this dress that her partner slaved over. She cuts a sleeve off. The woman is horrified.

Peggy and some subdued boobs go to the place where the fashion show will be held. Tamra doesn't show up for practice. Peggy is going to host the fashion show. I'm not sure if her boobs have a part in that. We'll see.

It is time for the show and Tamra is freaking out. She doesn't think she can walk in the fashion show because there are so many people out there.  She was nervous to practice walk in the store so I don't know why she thought she could do this.

Peggy's boobs do not have a speaking part for the hosting.

Peggy walks the runway and for some reason one arm comes up like she's a pimp.

When Tamra walks out she does some duck lips and throws up a peace sign. Class...all class.

They go out to sit with Micah and Ugly Eddie.



Fernanda is at her gym and Lynn, the ex-OC Real Housewife is there working out. Tamra was supposed to go but she cancelled at the last minute. This leads Fernanda to tell Lynn about how she and Tamra kissed at Tamra's birthday party last year. Fernanda's ex-girlfriend owns the gym with her and she's finding out about this kiss now (it happened when they were together AND when Tamra was married to Simon).

BORING.

I have been waiting ALL episode for Tamra to throw a piece of paper or a napkin in Jeana's face...I thought that was this week? Am I crazy? I did bump my head today pretty hard but I didn't think it affected my reality TV section of the brain.