Teen Mom: Eyeliner, Holes and Whores (from 3/8)

Leah and Corey get their shipment of Ali's glasses in the mail. Holy shit she is cute. 

Leah heads out to look at wedding dresses. She comes out wearing one and looks absolutely gorgeous but her friends and her sister just kind of smile. Corey's mom is there and she looks like a deer in headlights...a deer wearing a shit ton of eyeliner.

Holy Frizz-Ease Leah's mother's hair looks worse than ever. She has taken a wrong turn trying to copy Leah's old look - the curly hair with the straight slicked bangs. At least Leah's bangs were side swept...her mother's are parted in the middle.

Leah's hair, on the other hand, looks fabulous. You'd never know she lived in a non-mobile-mobile home along a river of Grey Poupon.

Today is the day for the MRI results. I feel like I'm going to throw up I'm so nervous. The first doctor comes in and I swear he had to duck through the doorway, he's like Frankenstein! The camera even cuts off his head at first because I don't think they were expecting a giant.

There are no abnormalities! The second doctor, who we've seen before, doesn't seem to give Leah and Corey information that is helpful in any way. She needs to see a "genetics" doctor to see if she has any kind of syndrome. Either this guy has the worst bedside manner ever or he is just really uncomfortable being on camera. Or he's nervous because of the giant. We'll never know.

Leah makes an appointment for a second opinion on Ali's MRI. Good idea. You know what's not a good idea? Wearing thick black eyeliner all the way around your eyes.

Earlier in the episode, Leah and Corey made a bet about Ali rolling from her belly to her back. Leah never saw it happen so she doesn't think she can do it. They try it out at Corey's dad and stepmom's house and she rolls over. Yeah!


Jenelle and Reefer are sitting on the beach. She's still rockin' the brass knuckles hemp necklace but now she has some hideous sunglasses on that look like they have the Coco Chanel logo on the side but there's no way. Loco Chanel, maybe.

Reefer says he is going to call his cousin to see if he can crash on his couch. Seriously never has a show talked about or shown more couches. I know I shouldn't be but I'm appalled that Jenelle can't see how much of a loser this guy is. Mooching off everyone, wearing hemp necklaces. Is it awful that when I look at him I smell BO? (And it's not me, I shower and don't wear jewelry that needs to be cut off).

Oh...and now Jenelle is wearing the FUCK bracelet instead of Reefer.

I read an article last week in US Weekly about Jenelle, Barbara and Jace. Barbara says that when Jenelle is home she basically sleeps. The first scene back from the commercial? Jenelle sleeping even though it is clearly daytime and Jace comes running into her room (he's so damn cute). Barbara should be forcing Jenelle to get up with Jace and be a mother.

Jenelle is babysitting her son today. She takes Jace in the car to the store which is against the rules. She's sooooo not getting paid for this babysitting gig.

She meets up with Reefer later on and he's wearing a new shirt, I think. We've never seen it before anyway. He also isn't wearing his deck of cards shorts so maybe he's borrowing clothes from his cousin.

Jenelle suggests they just pick up and drive to New Jersey so Reefer can see his family.

Reefer: "Really? We're gonna up and drive to Jersey?"

Jenelle: "Why not?"

Me: "Because you're a fucking mother Jenelle! Go home and take care of your child!"

Jenelle's grand plan involves using her mom's credit card for gas and food, skipping school, calling out of work and lying to her mother by saying she's going to Myrtle Beach for a concert. Awesome. Barbara will never know. The credit card statement from a Citgo in Jersey won't give it away. Neither will this episode when it airs.

Jenelle goes home, packs a backpack and hopes to slip in and out of the house without her mother noticing. Of course, this doesn't happen. Jenelle leaves without saying goodbye to Jace and he stands in the doorway watching her drive away.  She drives down the street where Reefer is waiting in the grass. His luggage consists of a bottle of water.

During the closing montage with the sad song, Jace is shown sitting at a window looking outside and then cut to Jenelle and Reefer driving to Jersey. 


Chelsea isn't getting any help from Adam - no rent, no child support and he doesn't even want to watch his daughter while Chelsea runs a comb through her hair. Seriously, watch the kid...Chelsea needs to untangle that mess ASAP.

Chelsea's friend comes over and she's sporting jeans with giant holes in the knees. I bet she has holes in her socks too. Fashion!

Later that day Adam pretends to care about Chelsea and asks how school is going but then takes off in the other room to play Xbox. As long as he acts like he likes her every few days, he's all set living free and probably getting laid.

Adam and Chelsea are going to a fair with friends of theirs and their kids. Everyone is wearing jeans with holes in them today except Aubree. Chelsea's friend even has a different pair on. Hole-y jeans are obviously in fashion where they live.

Chelsea buys Adam's ticket to get into the fair. I'm not sure why she even asked if he was buying his own ticket, he doesn't have a job. Adam tells the guy from the other couple that right when they walked in there was a girl standing there that he'd hooked up with and they waved to each other. Chelsea noticed it of course.

She wants to hold Adam's hand and he's saying that he just wants to be left alone. Holy shit I want to rip out those pubic hairs on his chin, he's such an asshole. He's obviously only "with" Chelsea to be on TV and to live for free. She's got the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever seen and can't see that he's an ugly loser.

He said he didn't want to come to this fair because they would obviously see people they've hooked up with in the past. I guess Adam is some kind of fair whore.

Back at home, Chelsea asks Adam to help her by putting Aubree's pajamas on. His response is "What are you going to do, look at me?" Why is it that the baby daddies can't initiate things that need to be done on their own? Either the mom does it or she asks the dad to help. I think I would shit my pants if my husband opened up a jar of baby food or took my son and gave him a bath without me asking.

Adam gives Aubree her bottle as she's laying flat on the floor. Chelsea asks why he can't hold her and he says she likes laying flat. Yup, that can cause ear infections idiot. Plus, who doesn't WANT to bond with their child? Chelsea picks her up and Adam calls her a fucking bitch.  If I were one of the camera men I would risk losing my job just to punch him in the face.

The next day or week, Adam doesn't come home from his friend's house when he was supposed to. It is the middle of the afternoon and Adam says that he fell asleep there. Who goes to their friend's house to take a nap? Probably not Adam, I'm sure he's at the fair getting laid.

He complains that Chelsea doesn't have a job and thinks that being a mom consists of playing with the baby all day.  Someone please rip his nuts off.  He doesn't work nor does he help Chelsea with their daughter.

The next day Adam comes in the day after coming home at 4am. He claims that he's just trying to have some fun. He says that everybody cheats and he's only cheated on her 5 times in the past. It's Chelsea's fault that he cheated because she was "crazy". The only crazy thing about Chelsea right now is that she thinks she loves this guy.

They are breaking up. YEAH!!!!


Ugh...Kailyn.  I'm depressed just thinking about her miserable face. She decides that she is going to tell Jo the truth about her dating someone else.

Jo: "You'll never be welcome in my house anymore. I don't even want to catch you on my fucking block."

Kailyn: "Well you don't have a whole lot of say in that, do you?"

Me: "Uh yes he does bitch!"

Jo: "Oh yeah, and you're a whore."

Jo is right, all Kailyn cares about is having a boyfriend.

After the fight, Kailyn and goofy Jordan (who has shaved and looks better) meet up at a diner to discuss the issue with her living situation. Neither of them smile at all, not once. Even when Kailyn calls her mother and she says it is ok to stay with her. Seriously - look up misery in the dictionary and there's probably a picture of Kailyn, Jo AND Jordan.  Poor Isaac.

I think Kailyn's mom has her nose pierced. She lays down the law and Kailyn can't be on the phone all night or text all the time because the clicking drives her crazy.

Jo is mad at Kailyn so he won't answer her texts even though this obviously means that he isn't seeing Isaac. Way to take it out on the kid, Jo.

Kailyn wants to get the rest of her things from Jo's parents' house but he wants his $600 back that he loaned her for school. Her mom, Suzy goes into the house to confront them and get her things. Jo says he's not telling her where Kailyn's things are because she owes him $600. Janet (Jo's mom) is of course taking her son's side. I am on her side too, I can't see Kailyn paying him back the money so he needs collateral.

Suzy calls the police. Of course the cops can't do anything. They advise both Jo and Kailyn to file for custody. In addition to Kailyn's clothes, Jo is keeping Isaac as collateral.


This episode made me really sad for all of the babies except Leah and Corey's twins. Of course, I feel bad that Ali has these health problems, but at least she has parents who care and love her. The other three babies surely have years and years of therapy ahead of them.

Until next week, straighten your bangs and cut some holes in your jeans because we're headed to the fair to ride the whore carousel.