The Real Housewives of Miami (from 3/1)

Episode two of Fashion Nightmares!

Adriana tells her long haired fiance that the other girls "double dog dared" her to walk the catwalk at the fashion show the other night. Um no, they were mortified by you, they did not double dog dare you, that was the kid in A Christmas Story daring the other kid to stick his tongue to the frozen pole.

I'll blame the language barrier but Adriana's impression of someone stabbing you in the back ("chu chung") sounded like a slot machine, not the "reeee reeee reeee" that you would normally hear when someone makes the stabbing motion. 

She believes that Larsa and Cristy are jealous of her and she tries to explain how she doesn't feel that way about women friends, her fiance is not listening, he's staring at her boobs. His response to her statement is "You look so beautiful, I love this top on you."


Lea is planning some sort of charity event she's calling a "gala". Her hair looks like someone just rubbed a balloon on it and she clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the word BLEND in reference to eyeshadow. Anyway, a ticket to get in is $500. That better mean they have mini-quiches or I want my money back.

Lea is to this show as Vicki is to the OC show. She works ever so hard, not many people can keep up her pace and to take time out for a luncheon is unheard of!  She claims that for three months during the planning of this gala she works from 6am until about 2 or 3am.  I guess this is why she doesn't have time to browse fashion magazines because she's the worst dressed of them all.


Alexia is an executive editor of Venue, a Spanish magazine.  That's all I got from her segment.


Cristy, the super proud Latino Cuban girl, is hosting this week's cooking/drinking/eating event at her place. I hope she talks about where she got those bracelets because I want them. Anyway, she has some crazy Chef Pepin there who is supposedly well known and on TV. However, Larsa points out - he's using a crock pot to make the food. WHAT'S WRONG WITH A CROCK POT? That helps stuff to really soak up the flavor, no?  (I wrote that with a Spanish accent).

Adriana also thinks it is a joke because some of the food is in cans, it isn't fresh. I feel more white trash every day watching these shows - but I'm happy about that. My friends don't judge me for using crock pots or having Ellios pizza (right?).

When the ladies are eating their Cuban meal outside, Adriana takes a phone call from her fiance who ends up hanging up on her "in her face". No, Adriana...if he hung up on you in your face that would mean he would have to be standing right there in your face...hence the term "in your face".  Anyway, she knew about her son getting out of school early so she called the school and asked them to keep her son there anyway until she was done with her luncheon. WHAT? When she asked her fiance to pick him up in some parking lot, he hung up on her. I sort of don't blame him - get off your ass, put the drink down and pick up your fucking kid!

I like Alexia right now because she's agreeing with Adriana's fiance. She tells Adriana - you're not working, he is. Holy shit, a real housewife that makes sense!

Cristy and Larsa tell Adriana to put the guy on lockdown for the rest of the week and he should be kissing her ass. I believe the exact opposite. This guy left work to pick up HER son while she sits around drinking and eating with her friends.  Ugh, these women are self centered. The difference between their self-centeredness and the other franchises is the Miami women are not only snobby about their money - they think they are gifts to the world and everyone should bow to them.


On some sweaty rooftop, Larsa says that it is so hot that she just wants to wear her bikini all the time. Her friend Mary who looks like JLo says "And you do, considering how short the shorts are that you're wearing."  Larsa says they are LONG and stands up to show this. I shit you not I have underwear bigger than these shorts...and no they aren't granny panties either.

Larsa just used the "R" word to describe one of her nannies. I don't like her.  Now we're in her closet which is the size of my entire house.


I really feel like the women on this show are acting too much. I'm not saying the other Real Housewives are all that "real" either, but all of the Miami women seem like they are putting on a show for the cameras.



Back to Lea and her gala planning. Joe Francis, the sweaty ballsack of celebrities is attending. (For those who don't know, he's the disgusting man who created "Girls Gone Wild". He's gross.) Apparently Lea's husband is his lawyer.

Marysol is getting ready for the gala and she tells her makeup artist that she wants eyeliner inside the bottom...he tells her this is not in fashion anymore. Who knew? I told you I was white trash.  I will say that her dress is somewhat pretty - especially considering what I've seen so far.


Lea is wearing a necklace that I think is used to hook tractor trailers up to the cab. It is enormous and hideous.  Her dress is ugly, her hair is terrible. I'm so confused.

IT'S GLORIA ESTEFAN!!!! I was wondering when she would show up. I wonder if she has The Miami Sound Machine with her! I'm so excited...1,2,3,4 come on baby say you love me...5,6,7 times! Maybe there will be a Conga line later!

Cristy, blaming a flat tire, is tardy for the party . (Ok Kim Zolciak IS attending this event so someone should get her to sing.)  I'm pretty sure Cristy is late because she didn't pay for a ticket.  She also brings two friends! I'm embarrassed for her.  One of Lea's "crew" tells her about the crashing and Lea plans to invoice them. I suddenly like her despite her awful clothes.  Cristy thinks she's just stopping by to show support but she didn't buy a ticket - FOR CHARITY!! She knows that her being there makes it look to everyone else, all the celebs, Gloria Estefan and all like she DID pay and give to the charity.

Cristy is LAME.

I don't know how this season is going to go yet. The whole "acting" that is going on by them is annoying. In one of the last scenes Cristy even looked at the camera to make sure that it was filming her kiss some people on the cheek. Blech. We'll see.