Jersey Shore (from 2/3)

We are continuing on with the same night we left off last week. Ronnie seems to be drinking a lot, which of course upsets Sammi Sourpuss. She is standing alone, not drinking and Ronnie says to the camera that with Sam, it’s always “one step forward, two step backs”. Caution: Xenadrine causes you to make the wrong word plural.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. Getting mad at Ron for being drunk, she reminds me of me when I was like 15 getting pissed at my also 15 year old boyfriend for drinking. But hello? We were fucking 15.

Evidently the way the guys get girls to go home with them is with a promise of pajamas. That and the chance to look like a dirty whore on national television. Win – win situation.

Sam attempts to try to feed Ronnie in bed with a spoon and he purses his lips and blows a raspberry just like when I feed my 8 month old and he doesn’t want anymore. Oh and look, Ron is spitting up too. Well, puking. In a paper shopping bag. I believe The Situation and his pajama date are in bed in the same room.

“What I did on my summer vacation: I got drunk at a bar, went home with a guy who looks sort of like an old man but isn’t and then banged him in the room while his roommate threw up in a shopping bag. I went to Jersey Shore and all I got was this lousy herpe.”

The next morning, Ron is pooping blood this morning so he’s going to the doctor. While backing out of the driveway he almost runs over a guy on a bicycle. The doctor tells him he’s going to “check out the area”. I am unsure why Ron allowed the cameras while this anal probe was going on. Hell to the no.

Doc asks Ron if he feels any pain while he’s poking around down there  “Here? No. Here? No. Here? No. Here? No.” - how much room does he HAVE down there?

“How about deeper through here?” "Almost through here?” ” Yeah.”

Ok, doc has struck oil.

“Is there any pain around the rim at all?” “No”  Maybe Deena took care of the rim, she supposedly likes that, right?

Ronnie said the doctor told him he messed up his asshole from drinking. Maybe I just don’t know enough about people’s pooping habits after the bars, but I’ve never heard of asshole injuries from too much alcohol. Well, I’m sure they are actually pretty common but not in straight men, right?

Sammi wants to know if they used clamps to get in there.

Holy hell we’re only 8 minutes in. I think I’ve typed more than was actually spoken on the show so far.

The girls minus Sam take a fun trip to the pharmacy and we know this not only from the sign, but because they start filming in the “Depends” aisle.  Snooki is riding a teeny tricycle and the handlebars break off and she falls down. They fix it because they don’t want to pay $150 for a tricycle.

Wait. What pharmacy sells $150 tricycles? Maybe it came with a basket full of meds.
Time to go to Karma! Snooki uses enough hairspray to kill a small animal. Ronnie has friends visiting from home and Deena immediately makes out with one of them.

More drunk sluts dancing on stages. I see London, I see France…

Snooki finds a guy to make out with and I thought he was the same guy as Deena. They all look the same to me. She takes him home and brings him to the house, DTF. However, she stops him because she has her period.  He stays over anyway and in the morning falls off the stripper pole.

On the floor next to the couch there is a bottle of alcohol and a bottle of Windex. Someone was thinking ahead.

Snooki’s new guy Jeff is already talking about getting her a promise ring in a couple of months. She wants to get rid of him now so when he calls later on, Pauly D answers the phone and pretends to be an answering machine. The guy actually starts to leave a message and Pauly’s eyes widen as he listens. Then in the middle of the “message” he says “For Snooki, press 1” for “Jenni, press 2” and the guy is actually pushing buttons.

I love Pauly D.

The girls go to the “sex toy store” where Snooki buys an outfit, wears it out of the store and says “I look like a hot drunk baseball player right now.” She then scares Deena by poking her with a giant vibrator.

Next comes the awkward dinner because of Ronnie and Sammi. It still makes me hungry though.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. She is straightening her hair and bugging the crap out of Ronnie. He clearly just wants her to go out so he can be alone and she stays in.  I wish she would have gone home last week.

The boys (minus Ron) and Deena head to the club. Pauly D’s ex stalker, Danielle is there. The last time Pauly D saw her she threw her drink in his face.  This time, she decides to go home with him. Makes sense.

Vinny calls her a stalker right to her face and asks her “What are you doing here?” Everyone is making fun of her calling her a stalker yet she hangs out.  I think she wants her own Jewish Stalker Spinoff.

Either The Situation or Vinny has brought home a girl who seems to be look as though she’s being Tina Turner for Halloween except it is not Halloween.

SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER. Please go home, please go home, please go home. They “break up” but she’s following him around because she needs closure. I’m thinking “We’re fucking broken up” is closure enough but not for Sammi – she needs to be berated a little more.

Next weeks previews were more exciting than this entire episode! Ronnie’s ‘roid rage and the fact that SAMMI IS THE MOST ANNOYING GIRLFRIEND EVER makes Ron yet again throw all of Sam’s clothes on the floor and start breaking plastic furniture

Until next week – wear a condom.