The Real Housewives of OC: Gross Romance & Smarmy Leases (from 3/20)

Gretchen answers her door wearing a crown when Alexis comes over to visit. Seriously? This is going to continue? Is this the extent of this season? Stretching the same silly arguments out? What's next, the Bedazzled Evil Eye Hat? UGH.

Gretchen continues to say how she hates to be called a princess, blah blah blah. On their way out she says she will drive because she has a new car. Instead of a license plate it says "This is What a Newport Coast PRINCESS Looks Like!"

Two things: #1 How can you drive around not having a real license plate on the back of the car? Is that something the editing just added in as joke?

#2 If she hates being called a princess, and the plate is real why does she have that license plate? And why does she wear a tiara at home? And why does she OWN a tiara?


Peggy meets up with Alexis and Gretchen at a shoe store. The store owner or clerk tells Peggy that they are having a "Big Boot Sale" and I could have sworn she said "Big BOOB Sale" but I guess not.

They get champagne. I was just at the Reebok outlet this past weekend and I didn't get anything to drink.

The "big boots" on sale are actually "hooker boots". Yes, like the ones Julia Roberts wore in Pretty Woman. Wear them over pants but wearing them with a dress or a skirt - you're a hooker.

The three blondes go out for dinner and drinks. They are bashing Vicki and Tamra to Peggy and then start talking about Slade's penis. Yuck.

Peggy said that she and her husband were so horny one day that when their daughter came in the room they didn't want to kick her out so they went into the closet to have sex. Come on.  GAG.

Of course, Alexis says "Oh we've done the closet like I can't tell you how many times!" She is still in the competition with Peggy and now it isn't just about her kids, it is about where they have sex while the kids are in the room. Awesome.

Can we now have a contest to see who can shut up the longest?

Alexis talks about tying her ugly husband up to a chair with silk scarves. Ew. No one wants that image in their head. Plus, what would Jesus think Alexis?



Vicki's doing some remodeling in the house. She's annoying. Moving on.



Tamra is meeting up with Vicki for lunch. I hope Tamra tells her whether she's happy, sad or angry because there is no way that Vicki can tell by her frozen face.

They talk about Tamra's divorce (zzzz) and Tamra mentions that she and her new boyfriend Eddie are going to Italy.

Vicki says how hurt she was LAST YEAR. Ok this was clearly directed by Bravo to bring this up again. Find some new drama ladies!!!!!! Don't recycle the old shit. They end up deciding that they want to go to Cabo together for a girls trip.

Tamra is making plans with Eddie for the night. She says that he's five years younger but he looks 25. No wonder she's getting all this work done on her face.

We finally get to see Eddie and...drum roll....Eddie wears cowboy boots and jeans that are tight. He doesn't look 25 so Tamra shouldn't worry. He is NOT cute and he has a girly mouth. They are so gross because they keep holding hands and kissing. 

They are having dinner with a friend of theirs and still keep making out in front of him. I'm so grossed out by his girly lips and her frozen face touching.

OH GROSS, Tamra is lighting candles with her wrinkly old hands and running a bath. Great. This means they are getting into the tub together. I've never been mnore turned off in my life.

Tamra gets into the tub and calls Eddie in there. I think he's uncomfortable with either getting in the tub in front of the cameras or getting into the tub with Tamra because he isn't moving quick and he literally CHUGS his wine.

Tamra tells him she loves him, he says "You love me?" and never says he loves her back and then they make out in the tub like they are in some kind of cheesy soft core porn.

Does anyone else feel like she's doing this as sort of a "fuck you" to Simon? Going on and on about how much love there is and how he's younger and handsome, blah blah blah. Its too much.

 

Alexis and the kids are being blessed by their husband on their way out the door to go to San Diego. The son wants to ride with his dad but of course he can't be bothered so all the kids ride with the nanny in one car, while Jim drives by himself and some luggage.

When the two pull up next to each other on the highway, Jim basically ignores them and starts going faster to get away. HA!

They've arrived in San Diego. There are 10 bags for a 3 day trip. They have all of the bags except the poor nanny's bag.

I repeat, they are there for three days.  Now they are asking the people who work there to remove furniture.

At breakfast the next morning Jim does his prayers and Alexis tells us that it helps to make him feel like the head of the household. However, I disagree. Him asking HER to get up and get him ketchup and then toast, and then toast and water for the kids while he sits on his ass and eats makes him feel like the head of the household and it makes Alexis look like a little maid.

For some reason the nanny isn't eating with them. Is she forced to eat with the help at the hotel? Ugh!

I think Jim is an awful husband in my opinion but Alexis keeps reiterating to the camera that she is so incredibly blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband. It seems that if you need to keep saying it, it probably isn't true. 

They go shopping and Jim buys two very expensive watches. One was $22k. WHY WHY WHY? Alexis wants a giant diamond but it looks like she doesn't get it. 

A quick scene during the commercial shows the family and the nanny go to the zoo. They are told that in the lion family the male lion sleeps up to 20 hours a day while the female does all the work. Alexis tells the camera that the animal world isn't all that different from the real world. (Speak for yourself, weirdo!) She then AGAIN says that she loves how her family works and they are all good.  Sure.


 
Peggy raises her family holistic and doesn't believe in anti-biotics unless they are absolutely necessary. They take vitamins and fish oil every day. I hope when they start going to school and whatnot she realizes that kids get things like strep throat and bronchitis.

Peggy's mother-in-law is a homeopathist. She announces that she's using stem cells from an apple in Switzerland on her face. Seriously? Go buy some Cetaphil.

They are going to test Peggy to see how well she is aging which includes peeing in a cup. Apparently she's "rusting" from the inside.  Her MIL's solution is these glittery bracelets that she's "programming hormones into by using a hologram generator". What? The? Fuck?



Gretchen is wearing Daisy Dukes and one of those half shirts that basically just tie in the middle. She's got a great body but isn't there an age when you should stop wearing teenage outfits? Maybe those rules don't apply on the West Coast.

She and Slade are heading to Palm Springs.  Upon arrival they join Gretchen's friends on a bike ride. I love Gretchen's bike, it is really cute but I wouldn't be caught dead riding it. Slade's is even worse and they both have a dog in their little baskets.

At dinner Gretchen basically yells at Slade for buying a big meal that will make him fat.  Why doesn't she tell him to change his name from Slade Smiley to something else that isn't smarmy?

Instead of getting married, Gretchen wants to have a "lease" with Slade. She tells the camera that she has said this before, she doesn't believe in marriages, she believes in leases. Except when the "car" has millions of dollars I guess because she was engaged to be MARRIED to Jeff before he died.


I'm literally yawning as I'm finishing typing this up. STEP IT UP OC BITCHES!