Teresa goes up to her brother and SIL and says congratulations. They ask her "Why are you saying it now?" I'm guessing because this is the party to celebrate the christening...but whatever.
Her brother says "Teresa do what you do every day, just walk the fuck away." Teresa doesn't understand what is going on - none of us do, I think. She asks why they even invited her and Melissa's sister says that it was a technicality.
Inappropriate arguing ensues and Teresa's brother bangs on the table with his fist several times. What is up with their family and restaurant tables?
Little children are turning around to see what the yelling is all about and someone says "don't get it twisted". Hold the phone. When did that phrase become an adult phrase?
Never.
The men start fighting and we cut to a screen that says "One week earlier..." Ok good because I thought I was losing my mind.
I guess Teresa and her husband own a pizzeria now that they have gone through bankruptcy. Teresa has written a cookbook and is doing book signings at her restaurant. People come and tell her that they are praying for her and they hope she'll be fine. Huh? Why would anyone give a shit about a "real housewife" who just last season spent ridiculous amounts of money on frivolous things like boobs and an enormous home made of marble?
Jacqueline is visiting Teresa and she's explaining about the drama she has with her brother. Teresa says that she wanted Melissa to be like her sister and she called her a lot, etc. but Melissa kept blowing her off so she stopped calling as much.
Yeah - something is missing here.
Neither of them came to any of her book signings and the rumor is that they thought they needed to be invited. I'm kind of with the brother and SIL on this - did she expect them to come and wait in line like some RHofNJ fans? There is a lot more to this story.
Jacqueline looks great in her opening scene - she lost all the baby weight. Her daughter, Ashley is wearing a teeny tiny dress.
Ashley is interning at Lizzie Grubman PR. Jacqueline goes to visit her and they talk with Lizzie herself. I think she's the one who ran over a bunch of people with her SUV? Anyway, Lizzie says that Jacqueline has an amazing daughter but that she has to come to work everyday. Ashley says that it is really hard.
I just vomited a little bit. Ashley drops a bomb that she wants to talk to her mom about moving into the city. Jacqueline wonders how she will do this since her internship is unpaid. Ashley starts to cry. More vomit. Lizzie has to comfort her.
Jacqueline, Ashley and Chris (Jacqueline's husband) go out to lunch. Ashley still cries because she says that the whole process of working in the city is annoying because she has to get up early. Chris tells her that when he was her age he did whatever he had to do to get to work. She says that she has been doing that and sometimes she's late.
I may lose like 10 lbs tonight from all this vomit. I hate Ashley right now.
Chris says that if she does well at the job and tries hard he will pay for her commuting into the city. You can see in Ashley's face that this is not what she wanted to hear. She was expecting them to buy her an apartment.
The Manzos are walking through an empty apartment. Albee and Christopher are moving into an apartment they leased together. Caroline is crying because her kids are leaving.
Caroline is the best Real Housewife of them all. She's strong, smart, a great mom, has great boobs and didn't pay for them. But this also means her segments might be a bit boring because she doesn't have drama. Now that Danielle is gone...but who knows, maybe she'll get involved in the Teresa/Melissa/Joe/Kathy fiasco.
I feel bad but in her next segment I almost want to fast forward because I know nothing is going to happen. They are just cooking and eating. Well, Caroline says that they have maple-glazed butter and Jacqueline thinks she said nipple-glazed butter. Oooohhh, risque!
It is time to meet the infamous SIL Melissa. Joe, her husband (Teresa's brother) is massaging her feet and kissing them. Seriously I lost at LEAST 5 lbs already and we're only 22 minutes in.
Melissa is so happy that Joe surprised her with the plans for this 15,000 square foot home for Christmas! I'm beginning to see why Teresa is fighting with them - COMPETITION.
Melissa is the type of wife that has to be "a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom." Lovely.
When their son makes a mess with some Styrofoam on the floor Joe tells him to come play football. The son says that he's helping to clean up and Joe says "Forget cleaning up, that's for the women!"
Ah, this is looking to be a good season where I hate everyone! YEAH!
Kathy (the other new castmate) is Joe's cousin and she comes by for lunch - she's good friends with Melissa. They talk about Teresa and Joe. Kathy says if she was going through what Teresa did, she wouldn't want to leave the house. Way to be supportive.
What the fuck is Melissa wearing?
Joe makes a comment that Teresa says how her family is Jacqueline and Caroline...but of course we know that isn't true as far as blood relation. Melissa says that even when they are invited to be with Teresa and her "friends" they act like they aren't even there anyway.
Sounds to me like a bunch of snobs who are all jealous of each other.
Kathy is married to a Lebanese man, Rich. He is so cheesy looking that I'm questioning whether or not these people were cast and costumed by Bravo. People can't really look like this in real life, right?
Kathy loves to cook because "what you put in your mouth? It's important." Come on. She's riding around on a bicycle to pick up groceries. These people aren't real.
They have two children - Victoria who is 16 and Joseph who is 14. Kathy says how Joseph has so many friends...SO many friends. As she is saying this we see Joseph playing with a knife in his bed. Kathy is upset that he's playing with knives on his bed because it isn't a hard surface.
Come on. The jokes on us right? Come on.
It is the morning of the christening party. Melissa's sisters are looking for a fight with Teresa.
Speaking of Teresa - are they still living in their giant marble mansion? All these people "praying" for her and her family - I bet their entire house would fit in the Guidice's entryway.
While getting the kids ready for the christening, Teresa has lost Audriana - the baby - who is crawling around the house. Luckily Teresa's makeup artist was on the stairs because he caught the baby as she started to crawl down them. Lovely.
Teresa's hairstylist is cheating on her with Melissa. It is a giant conspiracy - Melissa and her sisters are taking up the hairstylists time so that Teresa will be late.
Teresa is freaking out because they will be late but Joe is in shorts pulling a wheelbarrow out of the garage. He's not getting ready. He has diarrhea. And evidently he's carting it out in the wheelbarrow?
Melissa is scaring her baby I think...telling him that he's going to Jesus' kingdom. Maybe it is just me...but that would scare me. "You're bringing me WHERE?" Of course, I know the baby is too young to understand.
At the church, Melissa notices that Teresa isn't there (she's late). Of course she did, why wouldn't she? There are only a thousand people there.
I guess this is what Danielle was talking about in the reunion show last year when she said that Teresa didn't acknowledge her nephew.
Teresa DOES show up at the church and she clearly says congratulations to her brother and her nephew. Melissa still wonders if she showed up late or afterwards (who cares?) and then says that they should have pulled Gia out of whatever she was doing so she could attend her cousin's christening.
According to Teresa, Gia had a gymnastics competition and if she missed it she would be kicked out of gymnastics. Even if that weren't true and it was a giant lie (although we saw Gia leave for gymnastics with her coach) who gives a fuck if one 7 year old girl isn't in attendance!??? (Sorry...she might not be 7 but I can't remember).
Melissa is pissed that Joe (Teresa's husband) didn't come to the church. She obviously doesn't care about the wheelbarrows of diarrhea. When he does come to the reception and Melissa's Joe asks Teresa's Joe if he wants a shot, he of course declines since he hasn't eaten anything and he's been shoveling watery poop all morning. Melissa takes this as an insult. Does she want him squirting at the party?
She also takes this opportunity to tell us (in interview) that Teresa thinks she throws better parties than her but she does NOT.
Teresa then tells us (in interview) that there weren't a lot of people at the christening...that she had like 200 people at her last one but there wasn't even 200 at this one.
Competition will ruin relationships. GROW THE FUCK UP!
Melissa, Joe, Kathy and Rich are talking about Teresa. Joe says that he is ignoring her just like she ignores him at parties. I don't doubt this because Teresa seems very scatterbrained and into her money (or lack of), her husband and her kids much more than anyone else.
Melissa's Joe is livid that Teresa was dancing with the baby that just got christened. Melissa brings up the fact that she (Melissa) was holding Audriana at her christening and Teresa came up and ripped her right out of her arms. Obviously we didn't see this.
Now were back to the place where the show started leading up to the fight. I really don't understand why Joe is so angry at this moment. He's SO angry. He calls her garbage.
Teresa's Joe (I think) comes up and says something like "you sons of bitches" and that is when the actual brawl started.
HOW HYPOCRITICAL ARE THESE PEOPLE? You're celebrating a religious event...and now you're drunk and you're physically fighting and saying fuck every other word in front of all these people, including children.
At one point the camera is behind Teresa and she's telling her husband "It's a christening!" so basically to calm down. All of the sudden the camera guy either got tackled or someone pushed him out of the way and we don't see anything but someone yells "I'll fucking kill every one of yous!"
The camera goes to this shot:
just as someone is saying "You wanna fuck with me?". I love that Bravo pointed out the hypocrisy with that one little scene.
Melissa's Joe is telling everyone to get his sister and his BIL out of there. Suddenly there is screaming and someone is on the ground. I have no idea who it is. Someone is yelling "Get the cops!"
Other people are fighting because it isn't Joe Guidice...he and Teresa are not in the center of the brawl. If I were Teresa the FIRST FUCKING THOUGHT IN MY HEAD would have been "Where are my four children and let me get them out of here, they do NOT need to experience this."
Nope, not these people!
Somehow and for some reason people are starting shit with Teresa & Joe's father? He's an old man who has had two open heart surgeries? WTF is going on?
Someone has said "I'll fucking crack their skulls." (I assume it was Joe Guidice). Someone tries to take Melissa's Joe to the bar to calm down. Yes, add more alcohol, that will do the trick! Might as well start looking for pens so someone can stab someone else in the neck a la Goodfellas.
I hate every single person featured in this episode over the age of 15.
ReplyDeleteGood recap! :D